Category: Lawyer

Too Much Cussin’ & Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

No shit?

I was sitting, taking it easy and wondering about what would make an easy interesting post for today. Then, all of the sudden, out of the blue I thought of something! But Mad Monkey Sex and kitchen utensils, while quite an interesting topic, would not go over well with my Mom. She’s already told me that I need to cut back on my “colorful” language. I am trying to do so, but little salty bits of the “vernacular” sometimes make a point more emphatically. For instance, which of the two following statements is more attention-getting? 

  • Statement 1) Those gosh darn Occupy Wall Street protestors are sure an excitable bunch of young people, aren’t they?   OR
  • Statement 2) Those fucking dirty assmaggots are one big steaming pile of rancid pig shit piled on top of Rosie O’Donnell, ain’t they?

Any dumbass worth his rodeo warm Pabst Blue Ribbon salt would use Statement 2. Can’t you just feel the anger in those words? The second one is not only very effective in letting the reader feel the speaker’s anger, but importantly, it’s more effective because it’s true! So, while I may cut back on the use of nasty words for my Mom, I am still gonna call a douchebag a douchebag. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

I started out prepared to write a post on Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, and as you can see, I went off on the syphilis-infected dickweeds of OWS. But it is never  too late for DNH! As is the custom, I’ll write word for word the dumbass headlines actually found on newspapers large and small from all over the good ole USA, followed by my commentary on each one. Let’s rock!.

Porn case has holes, lawyer says Ya think?! Porn cases have more holes than ObamaCare. But, the holes in porn are much easier to plug up.

The bra celebrates two milestones this year –  Here I thought that bras had been holding up sweater puppies for many decades. And they are still a pain in the ass to undo. At least that’s what I am told.

Rally against apathy draws small crowd I don’t care.

Male student finds happiness living among women I’ll bet he does. Lucky bastard. I do, however, believe that a large sub group of women going through PMS at the same time is a motherfucker. I’m just sayin’.

And finally:

Seeing worm in bowel movement bad way to start day It’s odd that this headline comes up just in time for this post. I was sayin’ to my wife just the other day, “Honey, I wish I could take a shit and find it loaded with some big, fat worms because I need to go fishin’ ” (<—— that’s satire by the way)

It appears to me that our unemployment rate would drastically decline if only we could get some competent headline editors at news rags all over the damn country.

Dumases. Er, uh  dummasces. Dumbasses.


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A Saved Penis and $63,000

This was originally posted on May 21, 2011. It’s still damn funny and quite educational.

 
Marriage is a Sacrament  that bonds a man and a woman together forever, in body and in spirit, a union that is Holy as ordained by God. Getting to the alter sometimes proves, shall we say, to be problematic. Especially if the dumbass groom has a bachelor party and he bumps uglies with a woman he met there. It’s even worse when the bride-to-be finds out about the groom-to-be’s “indiscretion”. And to make matters even worse, if that’s possible at this point, the jilted woman is an attorney. Complicating things even more is the fact that the dumbass groom-to-be is a lawyer, too!

The Mrs. Dumbass-to-be was scorned and hell hath no fury and all that. It goes without saying that Mrs. Almost a Dumbass called off the wedding because the groom couldn’t keep his thang in his pants. Now the spurned bride has filed a lawsuit against the dumbass groom to the tune of 63 Large. From the UPI story we find out, “The suit, which alleges breach of the promise to marry and intentional infliction of emotional distress, is seeking reimbursement totaling $62,814 for expenses including the wedding dress, bridesmaid’s dresses, wedding invitations, a band reservation and non-refundable plane tickets and hotel reservations for a honeymoon in Bora Bora.” What the hell was this dumbass thinking? Bumping uglies with some chick at your bachelor party is about as dumbass as a groom-to-be can get. It also tends to piss off the bride. And that ain’t good. Especially when she’s a lawyer. By the way, the boinkee in this saga said she had no idea that the dumbass was involved with anyone. I guess the fact that it was a bachelor party and that there was a wedding coming up was a little above this broad’s head. Dumbass.

I have absolutely no sympathy for the dumbass groom. He’s an idjit. Dude, if you’re gonna nail some broad at your own bachelor party, make sure she’s a stripper or something, and the boinking is cheap and superficial at best. However, the sure fire way to avoid a situation like this is to keep your penis in your pants! The penis, and $63,000 you save may be your own. 

 
Dumbass.

I’ll Take "Boinking" for $63,000, Alex

Marriage is a Sacrament  that bonds a man and a woman together forever, in body and in spirit, a union that is Holy as ordained by God. Getting to the alter sometimes proves, shall we say, to be problematic. Especially if the dumbass groom has a bachelor party and he bumps uglies with a woman he met there. It’s even worse when the bride-to-be finds out about the groom-to-be’s “indiscretion”. And to make matters even worse, if that’s possible at this point, the jilted woman is an attorney. Complicating things even more is the fact that the dumbass groom-to-be is a lawyer, too!

The Mrs. Dumbass-to-be was scorned and hell hath no fury and all that. It goes without saying that Mrs. Almost a Dumbass called off the wedding because the groom couldn’t keep his thang in his pants. Now the spurned bride has filed a lawsuit against the dumbass groom to the tune of 63 Large. From the UPI story we find out, “The suit, which alleges breach of the promise to marry and intentional infliction of emotional distress, is seeking reimbursement totaling $62,814 for expenses including the wedding dress, bridesmaid’s dresses, wedding invitations, a band reservation and non-refundable plane tickets and hotel reservations for a honeymoon in Bora Bora.” What the hell was this dumbass thinking? Bumping uglies with some chick at your bachelor party is about as dumbass as a groom-to-be can get. It also tends to piss off the bride. And that ain’t good. Especially when she’s a lawyer. By the way, the boinkee in this saga said she had no idea that the dumbass was involved with anyone. I guess the fact that it was a bachelor party and that there was a wedding coming up was a little above this broad’s head. Dumbass.

I have absolutely no sympathy for the dumbass groom. He’s an idjit. Dude, if you’re gonna nail some broad at your own bachelor party, make sure she’s a stripper or something, and the boinking is cheap and superficial at best. However, the sure fire way to avoid a situation like this is to keep your penis in your pants! The penis, and $63,000 you save may be your own. Dumbass.