|In Need of a Dumbass Hangover Cure|
It’s Sunday and the day after St. Patrick’s Day and I know you Dumbasses are hungover like Charlie Sheen after a night with hookers and nose candy. So, I’ll make it easy on you with another edition of Best of Dumbass News!
Before we get to the meat of the post, I would like to offer some hangover cures as used and approved by a former Professional Drinker – me. Your milage may vary.
Menudo – Menudo is a Meskin soup that uses tripe (cow guts) as it’s major component. It tastes like shit, but if you can stomach a few slurps, it’s the hangover cure for Meskins everywhere. It works. If you have a neighborhood or Mom and Pop Meskin Food place near you, you should score some menudo
Beer – The Hair of the Dog. A rodeo warm Budweiser is best.
Pot – Is there anything a good fatty won’t cure? This is, of course, illegal, so smoke at your own risk. A joint will also make menudo taste like a T-bone steak. Double Hangover Cure! Spark one up!
Lesbians Need Penises – In this masterpiece, I profile a penis museum in Iceland. I am still waiting for a call from the Pulitzer Prize Dumbasses.
Dumbass Emeritus – A lovely young lass named Alexandra is the only Dumbass Emeritus in the history of Dumbass News. The reason is simple. Alex has a website called WTF WiFi which deals with the nnicknames people assigned to the wireless networks in their homes and businesses. It’s a great site with some very funny WiFi Nics. WTF WiFi further proves that dumbasses are everywhere. Plus, Alex makes a little cheese off of such a simple but brilliant idea by following the KISS Theory – Keep It Simple Stupid. Outstanding.
Dumbass Hoarders and a Dead Granny – This is a tale fit for the whole family with a valuable lesson at the end. Be sure to have your children at your side when you read this. They’ll be amazed by this warm, yet sad story.
Well, that’s it for today, Dumbasses. It’s a beautiful day here in Northern New England, so I think I’ll spend some time with my daughters and maybe start some plants so I can have them ready to go come Memorial Day when it’s finally safe to put them outside. Until the next time we convene, do something today that will make Dumbass News headlines tomorrow. You’ll make your family proud.
NSFW! Or Kids! Not X Rated, but pretty naughty.
Every day I chronicle some act of dumbassery that takes place somewhere on Planet Earth. One of my personal favorites is the story of the Penis Museum in Iceland. While I can understand that Iceland, due to its location and long winters, would host such an exciting venue as a penis museum, I am, as a rule, totally against the hoarding of penises at any one location. The world needs penises. What if Lesbians took over the Earth? What would they do for a penis? As far as I know, Lesbians do not have penises and pro-creation between Lesbos would be impossible. But! With one solitary penis, Lesbians could pro-create to their hearts’ desires, disposing of unwanted weenies as they saw fit. That would suck. There needs to be at least one man, and by extension (damn that’s funny) one penis, to enjoy the “adventures” of the Lesbians that rule the world and thus pro-create more slit lickers.
I must stand with penises everywhere in supporting the Lesbian agenda, but opposing the indiscriminate disposal of unwanted ding a lings.
That is the Official Position of Dumbass News as decreed by me, Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde.
Icelanders Are Lonely People
I don’t know exactly how to begin this post, except to say you’d better be sitting down when you read it. If you are at work and are prone to outbursts of violent laughter or any other orally-emitted sound effects that will cause people in cubicles two floors above you to ask, “What the hell was that?“, stifle yourself or read this in private, like in the toilet, where weird noises are perfectly acceptable. If you are of the male persuasion, be thankful your gazebos and plumbing are attached and in good working order. You have been properly cautioned. Now…To the story!
Iceland, which is a lovely place if you like ice, is a wonderful country whose citizens like to collect penises. And put them on public display! I ain’t makin’ this shit up. I’m not that smart…or stoned. In the sleepy little fishing village of Husavik, which is Icelandic for the “Penis Collecting Dumbasses Who Put Ding-A-Lings on Public Display for Other Dumbasses to Pay to See”, the good people of said sleepy fishing village have “stimulated” the economy by opening a Penis Museum! Yes, the (get this!) Icelandic Phallological Museum and its 208 penises are housed in that quaint little building in the photo. There, you’ll find the penises of damn near every sea and land mammal in Iceland – except the ding dong of a man. Until now. As the article from Aol News states, “a donor named Pall Arason donated his educational tool to the museum in an impressive show of support for the sciences.” What a guy! It’s a man who truly
is an incredible dumbass loves his country who’ll donate his thingy for the good of science and the cock museum. The thing is is that Arason is dead so he doesn’t need his weenie anymore, but it’s in death that he made his greatest contribution to the penis-collecting segment of Icelandic society. And any man that donates his doohickey for the good of science is OK by me…even if he’s a dead dumbass. Just run that thought up your flagpole. Pall Arason, you are a hero to the Icelandic Phallological Museum and dick savers everywhere and your generosity will stand the test of time. You’re a real ding dong dandy.