|“Tell the Truth, Dumbass!”|
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Here’s an Old Saying that I just made up : “All liars are Dumbasses but not all Dumbasses are liars”. Pretty profound, huh? Yeah, I come up with a good one once in a while.
The preceding Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Words of Wisdom and Dumbassery© are mainly true for male Dumbasses when talking to female Dumbasses. Under certain circumstances, when presented with a choice of telling the truth or lying like a mangy flea-bitten dawg, a male Dumbass will lie through his teeth every. single. time.
In all fairness to male Dumbasses everywhere, sometimes a lie will save your life – not to mention your gazebos. As a Public Service to Prevaricating Dumbasses of the XY Chromosome Persuasion, I shall point out some instances where a teensy weensy fib is an infinitely better choice than telling the God’s honest truth.
It ‘s OK to Lie When…
Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, Top Dumbass Material Contributor and You Tube Star, found an article on ivillage.com about The Top 10 Lies Men Tell Women. I will list a few of them below, then give my take on the proper way to address the deal.
- Does this dress make my ass look big? Fellas, this is a trick question. A woman asks you this because she really wants to know the truth. Except she really doesn’t. I told you it was a trick question. One the one hand, a lady honestly wants to know if a certain dress makes her ass look too big. She can’t, after all, go to a party, business dinner, etc. wearing a dress that makes her rear end look like the back side of a Mack truck. This is both embarrassing and unprofessional. Therein lies the dilemma for a male Dumbass. Let’s say the dress is too tight and you know it. You then politely say, “Honey, that dress fits you a little snugly”. The woman, wanting to hear the truth but not wanting to hear it all at the same time, hears you say, “Bitch, your ass is so wide I’d have to measure it using the length of axe handles”.
Solution: Lie and lie convincingly. I mean real convincingly. A little white lie here can mean the difference in leading a life with happy gazebos or no gazebos at all. The gazebos win every time.
- I Don’t Enjoy Going to Strip Clubs. Men, you have dug your own grave here with one foot in it and the other foot on a banana peel. The only way out is to know when to stop digging. And by “stop digging” I mean of course, “stop lying”. You are in a no-win situation at this point, guys. So just shut the fuck up. Here’s the deal: you have begun lying to a woman by lying before you ever get the chance to tell the real lie! Of course you like going to strip clubs! You are a man for Pete’s sake! Men are horn dawgs and going to a strip club is the closest to being a philandering bastard as you can get without actually being a philandering bastard! Unless, of course, you are already a low-life cheating scuz ball.
Solution: Don’t lie to begin with. Women are not stoopid. They can see through a lie like this like Superman looks through brick walls. Or G-strings. Women know (they may not understand, but they know) that men are pigs. A man, when faced with the choice of settling down with one woman and the same poon every night for the next fifty years or cavorting about with nubile young women who look like Jessica Alba without clothes on and getting new poon every night of his life, will, believe it or not, always go home to someone they love before they go on a Stripper Hump-a-Thon. Even the horniest of marrried men need the comfort and reassurance that only a good woman at home can provide.
If you want to go to the Jiggle Joint with your buddies, simply tell your wife, “Baby, I’m going to the Pierced Nipple with Frank. We just want to check out some young, firm hooters. You know, the kind you used to have?”
Then call a divorce lawyer.