Category: Longhorns

DUI in Nebraska featuring Earl the God of Dumbass Irony

I have another extremely busy day ahead of me and I won’t have time to write a new post for today. BUT! I browsed the blog archives, which by the way you can find in the left sidebar by scrolling down a little, and went all the way back to November 3 , 2010 and found a real doozy of a “Dumbass News” story.

If you think nothing good ever happens in Nebraska, you’d be el correct-o. However! Plenty of Dumbass Stuff happens in Cornhuskerville. Read on to get a good profile of your average Nebraska youth. And remember the Official State Motto of Nebraska: “At least we’re not Iowa. But we wish we were.” 

Heh.

Sometimes the God of Dumbass Irony, or Earl as he is called, has a wickedly cruel sense of humor. For example, take 19 year old Matthew Nieveen, please(!) hahahahahaha Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony, must have waited years for this twist of fate to occur. It’s so unbelievable, it’s believable. The stars of the constellation “Dumbass” were in perfect order, the moon was in the seventh house, Mercury was in retrograde (which, according a friend of mine, is bad mojo waiting to happen) and the final ingredient of this recipe of ironic circumstance is one full tilt boogie dumbass. That’s where my man Matthew comes in. Matthew is a dumbass, as you’ll shortly see. Read the post first then get a look at the photo at the end of the article.

The story that pegs the Irony Meter takes place in Lincoln, Nebraska, where NOTHING good ever happens, unless it’s the annual ass-kickin’ that the Texas Longhorns put on the Nebraska Cornhuskers. That’s another thing about Lincoln, they call themselves Cornhuskers. What the fuck is a Cornhusker other than a guy who can husk corn? Do they have degrees in cornhusking at NU? Is the mere mention of the word “cornhusker” supposed to strike fear into the hearts of your athletic opponent? The only way the word “cornhusker” would scare the hell out of anybody is if all “cornhuskers” were women from Nebraska. But, I digress.

Back to our dumbass, Matthew, and his 15 minutes of infamy. Matthew goes to this party where alcoholic beverages are being served. (Since our story takes place in Lincoln, NE, the drinks served at this party probably have little umbrellas in them, but, again, I digress) The party in question is a Halloween party. So far, so good. (except for the drinks with tiny umbrellas in them) Matthew, who you’ll remember is only 19, goes to the Halloween party and has two drinks with little umbrellas in them and gets el drunk-o. I’d like to note for the record here, that the women Cornhuskers polished off two kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, while the boys had the drinks with little umbrellas in them. This is Nebraska, remember. Anyway, my main man, Matt, gets hammered and makes the foolish decision to drive home while being wasted on drinks with little umbrellas in them. While Matthew is operating his motor vehicle under diminished capacity, he gets pulled over by the Lincoln Police, who hate pansies like Matthew who drive drunk, especially when they are tanked on… you guessed it, drinks with little umbrellas in them.

The law then administers road side sobriety tests (which in Nebraska involved husking corn) to Matthew, which he fails miserably. He was, however, alert enough to present the arresting officer a keepsake little umbrella from one of his drinks he had earlier. The cop was not amused. (I just made that part up for dramatic dumbass effect).

IRONY ALERT! Guess what our man Matt was wearing when he got busted? A breathalyser costume! I. Kid.You. Not. This is almost as funny as a green turd in a punch bowl. Those Nebraskans, God bless ’em, have the misfortune of being cornhuskers, then Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony steps in like James Brown throwing a fourth and 2 pass from deep inside his own territory to his tight end and ends up with a 62 yard gain. Remember that, Cornhuskers? Earl could not have more cruel to our man Matthew than if he put one more second on the clock and your opponent kicks the field goal that costs you the Conference Championship (Obscure Texas 13 Nebraska 12 reference). Doggone that Earl, he’s trickster, ain’t he? A breathalyser costume! bwahahahaha  Life must be hell being a Cornhusker and life must really suck if you’re Matthew – drunk, in jail and out one little umbrella from a foo foo drink.

Dumbass.

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Drunk Nebraska Dumbass Pegs the Irony Meter

I have another extremely busy day ahead of me and I won’t have time to write a new post for today. BUT! I browsed the blog archives, which by the way you can find in the left sidebar by scrolling down a little, and went all the way back to November 3 , 2010 and found a real doozy of a “Dumbass News” story.

If you think nothing good ever happens in Nebraska, you’d be el correct-o. However! Pleanty of Dumbass Stuff happens in Cornhuskerville. Read on to get a good profile of your average Nebraska youth. And remember the Official State Motto of Nebraska: “At least we’re not Iowa. But we wish we were.” 

Heh.

Sometimes the God of Dumbass Irony, or Earl as he is called, has a wickedly cruel sense of humor. For example, take 19 year old Matthew Nieveen, please(!) hahahahahaha Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony, must have waited years for this twist of fate to occur. It’s so unbelievable, it’s believable. The stars of the constellation “Dumbass” were in perfect order, the moon was in the seventh house, Mercury was in retrograde (which, according a friend of mine, is bad mojo waiting to happen) and the final ingredient of this recipe of ironic circumstance is one full tilt boogie dumbass. That’s where my man Matthew comes in. Matthew is a dumbass, as you’ll shortly see. Read the post first then get a look at the photo at the end of the article.

The story that pegs the Irony Meter takes place in Lincoln, Nebraska, where NOTHING good ever happens, unless it’s the annual ass-kickin’ that the Texas Longhorns put on the Nebraska Cornhuskers. That’s another thing about Lincoln, they call themselves Cornhuskers. What the fuck is a Cornhusker other than a guy who can husk corn? Do they have degrees in cornhusking at NU? Is the mere mention of the word “cornhusker” supposed to strike fear into the hearts of your athletic opponent? The only way the word “cornhusker” would scare the hell out of anybody is if all “cornhuskers” were women from Nebraska. But, I digress.

Back to our dumbass, Matthew, and his 15 minutes of infamy. Matthew goes to this party where alcoholic beverages are being served. (Since our story takes place in Lincoln, NE, the drinks served at this party probably have little umbrellas in them, but, again, I digress) The party in question is a Halloween party. So far, so good. (except for the drinks with tiny umbrellas in them) Matthew, who you’ll remember is only 19, goes to the Halloween party and has two drinks with little umbrellas in them and gets el drunk-o. I’d like to note for the record here, that the women Cornhuskers polished off two kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, while the boys had the drinks with little umbrellas in them. This is Nebraska, remember. Anyway, my main man, Matt, gets hammered and makes the foolish decision to drive home while being wasted on drinks with little umbrellas in them. While Matthew is operating his motor vehicle under diminished capacity, he gets pulled over by the Lincoln Police, who hate pansies like Matthew who drive drunk, especially when they are tanked on… you guessed it, drinks with little umbrellas in them.

The law then administers road side sobriety tests (which in Nebraska involved husking corn) to Matthew, which he fails miserably. He was, however, alert enough to present the arresting officer a keepsake little umbrella from one of his drinks he had earlier. The cop was not amused. (I just made that part up for dramatic dumbass effect).

IRONY ALERT! Guess what our man Matt was wearing when he got busted? A breathalyser costume! I. Kid.You. Not. This is almost as funny as a green turd in a punch bowl. Those Nebraskans, God bless ’em have the misfortune of being cornhuskers, then Earl, the God of Irony steps in like James Brown throwing a fourth and 2 pass from deep inside his own territory to his tight end and ends up with a 62 yard gain. Remember that, Cornhuskers? Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony could not have more cruel to our man Matthew than if he put one more second on the clock and your opponent kicks the field goal that costs you the Conference Championship. Doggone that Earl, he’s trickster, ain’t he? A breathalyser costume! bwahahahaha  Life must be hell being a Cornhusker and life must really suck if you’re Matthew – drunk, in jail and out one little umbrella from a foo foo drink. Dumbass. PIC BELOW**

There’s No Joy in Dumbassville , But There is Pot!

Still My Team After All These Years
There is no joy in Dumbassville today. The Mighty Longhorns have struck out. The University of Texas at Norman (Oklahoma Univ.) bat the horse shit out of my guys, The Texas Longhorns, yesterday,m 55-17. That sucks a big one, but the Horns will be back a much better and more experienced team next year. Keep an eye on the Sooners, though. They are one helluva football team seemingly bound for the National Championship Game on January 9. But, life goes on despite the injustices of the Football Gods and the dickweed Sooners.

Gawd, I hate fucking Oklahoma.  Dumbasses.

So now I’ll do what I always do when life deals me lemons. I read about dumbasses! Join me as we tour the World of Dumbassery as it reveals itself to be the Land of Future Jerry Springer Guests!

  • Pot From Stolen Truck…– A little trip to California (where else?) gives us this story of how a stolen truck loaded with marijuana wrecks and passersby, ever so civic-minded, help the Police out by stealing the pot thrown from the truck when it overturned. Ya gotta love the Land of Fruits and Nuts.
  • How to Lose $425,000 Worth of Pot! One of our All-Time most read pot stories, this is a lesson in how to lose almost a half million dollars worth of weed and sign your own death Warrant at the same time!
  • A Guy Named Gus and His Ducks and Pot – What’s not to like about a guy named Gus? And ducks. And pot. I’m just sayin’.

That’s your lineup for this fine NFL and Longhorns Heartbreak Sunday. With these stories, perhaps there is some joy in Dumbassville after all.