goofing off doing my usual due diligence, feverishly searching the internet for a suitable topic for today’s story until I finally found what I thought would be entertaining. By “feverishly searching”, I mean “seeing what I could rip off from HuffPo”. And of course by “entertaining” I mean “stoopid as hell”.
I succeeded on both counts. I ripped something off from HuffPo and it’s dumb as a box of Liberals.
Today’s stories involve affairs of the heart – that intangible, wonderful and oft-frustrating thing we call amore.
|Shot Through the Heart|
Love. It’s a helluva deal.
Being in love is hard work. Not unlike a job. The time, commitment, dedication and sacrifices one makes for the sake of love require a lot effort and discipline. Some folks are good at love, some ain’t. On Dumbass News, we could give a shit about people who have found a soul mate. We want the kind of Dumbasses whose love life is a train wreck. Screw happiness. We want misery.
Baby, You’re the Bomb….Threat
Christopher Shell was on a plane headed for Dallas when all the sudden the flight was ordered back to its point of origin. The jet taxied its way to that little tunnel thing that goes from the airport terminal to theplane so the passengers can get aboard the aircraft.
This is where the SWAT Team comes in. And guess for whom they are looking? Yup, our man Chris.
It seems that Shell’s ex-girlfriend has called authorities to notify them that Chris Shell was carrying liquid explosives on the plane! Chris was SWATed, cleared of the charges and was allowed to continue on to Big D.
The call from Chris’ ex was a hoax! She and her new boyfriend were taken into custody soon after the incident on the plane.
Would You Buy a Used Car from This Woman?
When British shock jock Tim Shaw speculated on-air that he would leave his family for pin-up girl Jodie Marsh, he didn’t suspect that his wife Hayley was listening. Mrs. Shaw sought revenge in the form of an auction for his $45,000 Lotus Esprit Turbo sports car via eBay, as its registration was in her name. Not only did she sell it in 5 minutes, she let the luxury vehicle go for a mere 50 pence (90 cents). (from yourtango.com)
Hell hath no fury…
Ahhhhh love. Ain’t it grand?
|Raymond & “Friend”|
Love is a powerful thing. Real powerful. Love has caused men and women to do some of the most dumbass things humanly possible. One of the greatest artists of all time, Vincent Van Gogh, was so in love with a woman that when she wouldn’t give him the time of day, much less “some” (IFKWIMAITYD), the stoopid bastard cut off his own ear! That’s a bit of an extreme example, maybe, but even in the realm of Super Heroes, his Super Love for Lois Lane was so strong that The Man of Steel hisownself gave up his powers to spend his life with her. I’ve only got one thing to say about that. Lois must have had some mighty good, er, um, uh, “groceries” for Superman to do something that radical. But, as they say, that’s the way love goes.
Love Pays the Rent
There’s a dumbass in Florida named Raymond Schaefer who was deeply in love with a young lady and he would do almost anything to prove his feelings for her. When I say “almost anything”, I, of course mean rob banks. You see, Ray was faced with a situation that pitted his love for this woman against his common sense. Guess which one won out?
The deal was that Ray’s gal needed money to pay her rent. Good ole Raymond, ever the romantic gentleman,told his sweetie not to fret over the rent money because he had an idea. His actual words were, and I quote, “Sweetie, don’t you fret over the rent money because I have an idea.” Sweetie was taken aback and all of a sudden her heart had a warm fuzzy feeling. She replied to Ray, “Ray, I am taken aback and all of a sudden my heart has a warm fuzzy feeling.” When recounting a conversation of such import, I am accurate if nothing else.
Amore and Felonies
Eager to please his chick and ready for his own little trip to the “grocery store”, Ray went about the task of accruing rent money for his honeybunch. So, he went to the bank to make a withdrawal. With a note and a gun. It is my understanding that Federal authorities take a dim view of such methods of getting money from a financial institution.This sort of thing irritates the Feds so much that they are more than happy and willing to house a man like Raymond for 5 – 15 years with the State of Florida picking up the tab.
But wait there’s more! It seems that the young lady who had Ray’s heart in her hands needed more “rent money” than she had anticipated. Fear not! Ray’s love knew no bounds, so he once again set out to acquire the cash for his lover. His decision was a simple one. In order to keep his bimbo housed was to – you guessed it! – rob another bank!
I told you love would make a grown man do some downright dumbass stuff. Ray proves my point.
Free Room and Board
Soon after the second “rent money run”, the Long Arm of the Law caught up with Raymond – at a…wait…for…it…substance abuse treatment facility! Now who in the hell would have ever thought such a thing possible? Our man Ray? An abuser of substances? Go figger.
Long story short, Mr. Schaefer eventually confessed to his wrong doings and is at present a guest of the Florida Department of Corrections. What a sad ending to the love story of the ages. Ray lost his girl, his freedom and after a few days in the slammer, his hiney virginity, just so he could help a damsel in distress. What chivalry! What devotion! What a fucking moron!
On the bright side, Raymond gets three squares a day, a place to sleep and all the “prison love” he can handle. Rent free.