Category: Mack Truck

Smoking Meth at WalMart – After Being Busted for Shoplifting!

Sparky’s Meth Lab?

How does that old saying (and remember, I’m big on sayings!) go? To whom much is given, much is expected? Right? Yeah, that’s the one. I was given much and of me much is expected.

I must have had the right number for a big load of “Dumbass” while I was standing in line to be born, because when I got to the front of the line I got a Mack truck full of it. It was this Fluke of Nature that pre-ordained me to be the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Everything happens for a reason. That’s another great saying. Damn, I love those sayings.

Low Prices…..and Meth, Every Day

Over time, I have written some crazy stories about the comings and goings at Wal Mart. I went back through the Dumbass News archives looking for such tales and three popped up right away.

First, there’s the emotional story of a pregnant lady who went into labor while at the local Wally World – while shoplifting! Truly a magical moment.

Then came an anecdote of a dedicated Wal Mart employee who loved his job as a greeter so much that he finished his shift one night and came back a little while later only to rob the store! I guess his 401K was a little anemic.

Our third allegory involves a hungry person. A person so hungry that he felt compelled to have a picnic at Wal Mart. In the Ladies rest room! S.O.S., anyone? S.O.S. meaninmg Shit On Shingles. Hey, the buffet was ready made. I’m just sayin’.

As stoopid as these stories are, none of them comes close to the latest episode of As Wal Mart Turns for Dumbassery and dumbfuckery.

This is where the “meth” part comes in.

Speedy Check Out

They have a nice Wal Mart in south St. Louis County, Missouri. Just ask our unidentified Dumbass who was recently burned there. And when I say “burned”, I mean “burned”.

Our Dumbass, a lady for clarification’s sake we’ll call “Sparky”, was having a grand old time searching for the latest bargains at Wal Mart when she saw a few items she just couldn’t live without, so she picked them up. She picked them but didn’t pay for them. In south St. Louis County, like all other jurisdictions in the United States, this is what’s known as “shoplifting”. And depending on the retail value of the pilfered loot, could also be known as what is called a “felony”.

But being nabbed while committing a possible felony with the prospects of spending a few years in the State Pen wasn’t enough for Sparky. Upon being remanded to the holding area, the store “jail”, Sparky took things to a level seldom achieved by Dumbasses anywhere. Ever.


While in the custody of store security people, Sparky pulled out a 20 oz. soda bottle from her purse as if to take a swig of the soft drink. Except she didn’t take a sip, she took a drag. A drag of methamphetamine! The 20 oz. soda bottle had been turned into a portable meth lab! Now, I am not sure how one refashions an empty pop bottle into a toteable speed pipe, but what an ingenious idea! I have (cough cough) “heard” of people who turn a beer can into a pot smoking device, but I have never known that a plastic soda bottle could be transformed into a meth lab. This is a perfect example of the K.I.S.S. Theory – Keep It Simple Stoopid. Brilliant in its simplicity. Illegal as hell, but still brilliant. Even the Dumbass we discovered with the meth lab in his Fruit of the Looms is a piker when compared to Sparky.

Sadly, for her, Sparky is headed for the Big House and will, like other Dumbass Bitches before her, settle into her role as a “woman behind bars”, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

We can now look forward to more of Sparky’s handiwork when she is finally released from prison in 10 to 17 years. I understand she plans on crafting a douchebag made from a Bic Pen and a rubber pillow case.

Her children must be so proud.

Dumbass.

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