Category: Madison

Lady Messes w/Python; Python Latches on to Dumbass Lady’s Face!

Best of Dumbass News

The People’s Republic of Madison is a very nice city. That is if you could chase off the Liberal weenies and Liberal weenie college kids at the University of Wisconsin who live there. Liberal weenie-ism, and by definition dumbassery, is a way of life in Madtown and today’s story will show you just what kind of dumbass occupies this lovely burg.

Book Club Meeting 

A 31 year old woman, whose name is not mentioned in my source story, was attending a book club meeting recently when she got a little bit more than a review and nice discussion on the book in question, Communism for Dummies. Other than the book, there was something else at the meeting that caught the lady’s eye. A 4-foot long ball python. 

The snake was in an aquarium at the meeting place, the lady noticed it and thought “Oh, boy!. There’s a 4-foot long ball python in that aquarium! Why don’t I take it out of there!” So she did. She shouldn’t have. Supposedly this dumbass bimbo had experience in handling snakes, but based on what happened next, I ain’t so sure. I think maybe her experience with serpents was limited to a man’s nether regions and rubber snakes used as props in her stripper routine. OK, I’m busted. I made up that last part about men’s you-know-whats and stripping, although it sounds plausible to me.

The python took exception to being removed from its cozy little domicile and promptly bit the dumbass lady in the face! To my knowledge, once a python has a grip on something, it’s not in any hurry to let go of it and this snake was no different than any other python. He latched on and had to be “persuaded” to let go. And by “persuaded” I mean shot with a Clint Eastwood size pistol. You caught me again. I made up the bit about the Clint Eastwood pistol. I did not, however, make up the part about the snake remaining attached to the broad’s face. He was quite content. Did I tell you that pythons, even though not venomous, have teeth? They do. Lots of them. That’s how they hold on to their prey until they can squeeze it until it’s a lifeless lump. The dumbass lady wasn’t hurt too bad and the snake’s owner was able to remove it from the nosy dame’s face.

Lesson Learned

One thing that came to mind upon reading this story was, why did the dumbass have to mess with the snake in the first place? But then again I don’t like snakes, so it’s a foreign concept to me. Also, if she had experience in handling snakes, how could she let it get within striking distance of her face? It may be just me, but if I’m holding a 4-foot snake of any kind, I am protecting two things (three, depending on how you count ’em): my face and my gazebos. After 55 years, I have grown quite fond of the two (three?) of them.

As I said, the lady wasn’t seriously injured, but I am concerned about the health of the python. That broad could have been infected with some kind of livestock disease. Have you ever seen the corn-fed Liberal weenie women, especially the ones who go to book club meetings, in Madison? I have. In the mid-80s. And I haven’t been back to town since. I’m just sayin’.

Dumbasses.