Category: Marijuana

Lottery Winners Celebrate By Buying Pot & Meth; Also Blow Up House!

I some times think (dream?) of what I might do if I suddenly came into a large sum of money.

I’d like believe that I’d do some practical stuff before I went on a Dumbass Spending Spree. You know, like buy a house and some land and perhaps a new car or two. Since I am an Old Guy with two small children (girls 10 & 6), I would also open up a savings account for each of them to use towards a college education.

Then I’d go balls to the wall ape shit wasting money on cool shit. Like a new bass boat. Fish. Fear. Me.

And travel. I’d love to tour Mexico and Central America. I speak pretty fluent Spanish so this idea is certainly not far-fetched. Also, since I live only a few hours from Canada, I’d set off on a summer long tour of the second largest country in the world and her ten provinces and three territories.

The same can not be said for a pair of brothers (siblings, not black guys) in Kansas.

Hitting the Jackpot 

There are a couple of Dumbasses in Kansas who are brothers. Actually, there are thousands of Dumbasses in Kansas, many of them brothers, but I just want to focus on the two idiots relevant to today’s story. Anyway, the Brothers recently won a large jackpot in the Kansas Lottery. Seventy-five large to be exact.

I can only assume that The Brothers did not have families. I say that because of what they did with their sudden windfall. Did they sock away some of their winnings for a rainy day? No. Did they make plans to travel the country? Nope. How about buy a new car or boat? No this time. “Well, Fearless Leader”, you ask, what gives?”

Party Time! 

The Brothers did what millions of young, red-blooded American guys would do with seventy-five thousand dollars and a lot of time on their hands.

They rushed out and bought some meth and some pot! 

This is what many young people in Kansas do when presented at a moment’s notice with a copious amount of cash. Especially in Manhattan and Lawrence. I can kind of understand why young folks would do shit like this. Have you ever been to Kansas? (I think I just blew any chance I had at being invited to a University of Kansas basketball game or a K-State football game all to hell by writing the previous few sentences. Rawk Tawk Jayhawk)

BOOM! 

Guess what else our newly rich Duo of Dumbasses did upon hitting the jackpot? They blew up their house!

One of the brothers went to the kitchen to refuel the butane torches they planned to use to light their bongs. He emptied a couple of large cans of butane lighter fluid, leaking butane into the air.

“The butane vapor reached the pilot light in the furnace, and as you might expect, ka-boom,” Wichita Police Sgt. Bruce Watts said at a press conference.
KFDL reports that the injured brother’s girlfriend drove him to the hospital and then “sped off and has not been found.”

I hope we can all learn a lesson from this story.

The lesson is: the next time you want to spark up your bong, use matches, not butane! If you do you use butane, do not do so near an open flame.

Dumbasses.

***Thanks to the HuffPo***

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Buying Pot Online, Shipping It Via USPS = Bad Idea

Best of Dumbass News
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I love the internet. I really do. If something can be done, it can be done on the world wide web, or the “3 Dub” as we international “3 Dub” blogging sensations call it.

Think about it, you look up the latest news, sports, weather, etc. You can locate long lost friends on sites like Facebook, do background checks on potential employees, do banking, buy pot…What? Yes, fellow Dumbasses, drug dealing runs amok on the internet. What in the name of the Patron Saint of the 3 Dub (Al Gore) is going on here?

Let me splain. puffpuffpasspass

Bluegrass State

High on the List of Cool Things to Do on the 3 Dub is gaming. Millions people from all over the Planet play games and make friends with others from far away places every day, even in Kentucky. The thing is that every Tom, Dick and Jim Bob with an internet connection and a $20 computer recently bought at a yard sale in the trailer park can access the web and do all kinds of stoopid shit stuff. Like buy pot from essentially a total stranger in a far away land named Cal-ee-forn-ya. My guess is that all Gomer in Kentucky knows about Cal-ee-forn-ya is what he “cyphered”from watching reruns of the Beverly Hillbillies and wondering how in the name of corn likker did they get those people in that little TV box.

Billy Wayne does, however, know weed and he has probably read, or should I say had somebody read to him, all about the killer herb grown on the Left Coast. This is where internet gaming comes in.

Johnny Jethro became friends with a Dumbass Out West by way of the Xbox Network for Idiots Who Have No Teeth or Socially Redeeming Value. So, what does Willie Duke do? He orders some pot from the Dumbass Out West – a pound to be exact – and has it shipped from Cal-ee-forn-ya to Korntucky! Via the United States Postal Service! Maybe Silas Curtis has heard this before, but Inspectors from the USPS have absolutley no sense of humor when some asswipe tries to make them look stoopid by shipping contraband across thre country by way of Snail Mail.

123 Main Street

Or was that 132 Main Street? Well, good ole Homer Goober got his pot shipped without a hitch – until it arrived in his hometown of Lawrenceburg, Kentucky. See those addresses I typed back there? At first glance, you can see where some one might get the two confused. 99% of the time this would not be a big deal. It’s the 1% that is a big deal that it’s a BIG DEAL. Big deal as in major prison bitch hood awaits me in The Cornhole Unit of the KY (KY! Prison bitch! bwahahahahaha) State Penis-tentiary big deal.

You see, Jimmy Jake the Internet Pot Guru lives at 123 Main Street in L-burg. BUT! The pound of pot he bought from the Dumbass Out West was delivered to 132 Main Street! The poor guy who lived a 132 Main was, to say the least, surprised when he opened the package that he thought contained that “special friend” from Big Bob’s Blow Up Doll Emporium and Green Stamp Redemption Center, only to discover over $2000 worth of Latin Lettuce. After the initial shock (and a couple of bong hits) wore off, Poor Guy at 132 Main called the local constabulary and Jakey Jim was arrested and will undoubtedly be the talk of the Cornhole Unit soon.

Advice That’s Too Late

As Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, the duty to counsel one of the minions on the proper way to avoid getting busted during a narcotics shipment, falls on my shoulders. It is, however, a burden that I was born to bear, so I do it freely and with great compasion.

Dude, there is a 100% guaranteed fool-proof way to avoid getting busted when shipping marijuana across state lines. Don’t do it, Dumbass! Good Gawd, son. You dare to call yourself a loyal member of the Dumbass Nation and pull stunts like this? Next time you decide you want or need an LB, grow it yourself! Do I have to tell you how to do illegal shit every. single. time? I am your Fearless Leader, not your fucking nanny.

Growing your own weed in Kentucky shouldn’t be that difficult to do and keep it on the down low. Think about it. Take away the populations of Louisville and Lexington and how many people actually live in Kentucky? Four? Five? Six, tops. See where I am going here? There aren’t enough people in the whole damn state (minus L & L) who would give a shit whether or not you farm a little “Blue Grass”. Why take a chance on getting popped for interstate pot selling and buying when you can grow it right out in your own Back 40?

To be sure, I am not advocating that any member of the Dumbass Community do something stoopid like grow pot (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Shipping your stash through the United States Postal Service, though,  is something that I highly recommend against. 

So, it’s off to the Big House for Frankie Joe where his new nick name (besides “Fresh Meat”) will be “Xbox Live”. And I’m sure his “Xbox” will be thoroughly “360”ed on a regular basis.

The guy is an afront to good, honest, hard-working dope-smoking hillbillies everywhere.

Dumbass.

Car Holding $425,000 Worth of Pot Hijacked!

Herb

Best of Dumbass News 

Boy, have I got a doozy of a dumbass story for you today. If the dumbass were any thicker in this story, you could cut it with a knife. So, let’s get to slicin’.

A man and a woman recently took off from Utah heading across the country to North Carolina. However, this was no ordinary cross country cruise. On the leg of their trip that found them in Wyoming, the couple was carjacked by three men in a red SUV. “That’s terrible!,” you’re thinking. Yes and no. It’s terrible that the two were carjacked, but not as terrible as you might suspect. You see, our two lovers were hauling over $425,000 worth of pot from Utah to North Carolina. Not only did they get carjacked, but almost a half million dollars worth of pot was stolen along with their car! Dumbasses. This constitutes a bad day if you are a drug dealer. Totin’ over four hundred “large” worth of weed for over 2000 miles is stupid enough, but when you get carjacked and your Latin Lettuce is taken, too, we are getting dangerously close to dumbass territory. One would think that having been the victim of this crime and somebody’s very large cargo of chronic is stolen from you, it seems like this might be a good time to thank God that you are alive, despite being more stupid than a rat’s asshole, cut your losses and get as far away as possible from the guy who entrusted you with $425,000 worth of Meskin Marlboros. The Pot Guy just might be a smidgen miffed when he’s told his pot has been stolen from his trustworthy couriers. Why he might even be mad enough to, oh, I don’t know, KILL SOMEONE!!! When the Pot Guy finds out that you called the Police to report the carjacking, I’ve got this sneaky suspicion that he’ll become even more unhinged over this turn of events.

Have you ever noticed when reading about or watching one of those cop shows, that only dumbasses haul large quantities of drugs around? I mean aside from the fact that hauling large amounts of contraband is a dumbass thing to do anyway. These two dumbasses got carjacked, but I have read a hundred times that so many of these losers get pulled over for the most minor of offenses – not using a turn signal, a brake light is out, speeding…you get the idea. But the two dumbass pot haulers in this story get carjacked, lose the pot to the other bad guys and call the cops to report the carjacking, never once (apparently) thinking that the cops might find over $400,000 worth of ganja is their car? The couple and one of the other bad guys were arrested and put in a Wyoming jail.

This has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life. I’m sitting here as I type this, still wondering what. the. fuck.?! These two goofballs give even drug runners a bad name.

 Dumbasses.

***Photo from LA Times***

911 Suicide Call Leads to 124 Pot Plants in Residence!

Latin Lettuce

I don’t mind sharing some aspects of my personal life with the Dumbass Horde. You’ve probably noticed that through some of the stuff I post on this very blog. I am gonna share something with you now, as a matter of fact.

I am mentally ill. Now you may be saying to yourself right now, “But, Fearless Leader, we already know that. A person would have to be clinically stoopid to write some of the shit you write.” And you would have a valid point.

But I am very serious here. I have been diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, ABC123, STP and a shit load of other alphabetical mental illness stuff that I can’t even remember. However, that doesn’t mean that I am crazy. Goofy? Yes. Weird? Without a doubt. But a lunatic? Not yet.You’d never know that I am on the verge of insanity if you knew me. Unless you lived with me. Just ask my wife.

For many people with the same problems I have, suicide is a constant companion waiting in the wings for the OK to make an appearance. Luckily, I don’t have suicidal thoughts or tendencies that haunt me on a daily basis. Others in my situation do.

For instance, there’s this guy in Key Largo, Florida….


The Dumbass In Key Largo  

The Monroe County Sheriff’s Department got a call from a local resident about a possible suicide at a certain location. This is something that the law enforcement community takes very seriously. If somebody is disturbed enough to want to kill themselves, they may also be disturbed enough to kill others as well.

So the cops go to investigate.

Upon arrival at the scene of a potentially deadly situation, the police didn’t find a suicidal Dumbass, but a guy who probably wishes he was dead.

Splaination to follow.

Always Ask “Who’s There?”  

The Fuzz approaches the house, knocks on the door and someone from inside yells, “Come in!”.

The cop goes inside the place. There’s no one at the residence threatening Hari Kari, just some poor schlub cutting up a pot plant. One of 124 pot plants at the house! Surprise, Dumbass! It is my understanding that Key Largo is a pretty laid back place and the consumption of the Herb Superb is not that big a deal. I think, though, that having over a hundred pot plants growing inside your home is a big deal. Like do a long stretch at the Florida Institution for the Criminally Dumbass Big Deal. This is also not the Dumbass’ first run-in with the Law. He has previous convictions including check fraud, assault and battery and some drug charges (no kiddin’!) too.

The fact that the Dumbass, Joseph Ebeling of Key Largo, will be unavailable for a stretch of 5 to 10 compels me to make the following Public Service Announcement:

If you buy your pot from Joseph Ebeling of Key Largo, Florida, he will not be out of the loop for a few years, therefore you need to find another Dope Guy for all your marijuana needs. This concludes this PSA from the Dumbass News Network.

Jose, your all expense paid vacation awaits you. I wouldn’t, however, count on conducting a continuing criminal enterprise (at least selling weed) in or around Key Largo when and if you get cut loose from the Big House. Somebody has already taken your place.

Dumbass.

Buying Pot Online, Then Shipping Through the US Mail is Not a Good Idea

I love the internet. I really do. If something can be done, it can be done on the world wide web, or the “3 Dub” as we international “3 Dub” blogging sensations call it.

Think about it, you look up the latest news, sports, weather, etc. You can locate long lost friends on sites like Facebook, do background checks on potential employees, do banking, buy pot…What? Yes, fellow Dumbasses, drug dealing runs amok on the internet. What in the name of the Patron Saint of the 3 Dub (Al Gore) is going on here?

Let me splain. puffpuffpasspass

Bluegrass State

High on the List of Cool Things to Do on the 3 Dub is gaming. Millions people from all over the Planet play games and make friends with others from far away places evry day, even in Kentucky. The thing is that every Tom, Dick and Jim Bob with an internet connection and a $20 computer recently bought at a yard sale in the trailer park can access the web and do all kinds of stoopid shit stuff. Like buy pot from essentially a total stranger in a far away land named Cal-ee-forn-ya. My guess is that all Gomer in Kentucky knows about Cal-ee-forn-ya is what he “cyphered”from watching reruns of the Beverly Hillbillies and wondering how in the name of corn likker did they get those people in that little TV box.

Billy Wayne does, however, know weed and he has probably read, or should I say had somebody read to him, all about the killer herb grown on the Left Coast. This is where internet gaming comes in.

Johnny Jethro became friends with a Dumbass Out West by way of the Xbox Network for Idiots Who Have No Teeth or Socially Redeeming Value. So, what does Willie Duke do? He orders some pot from the Dumbass Out West – a pound to be exact – and has it shipped from Cal-ee-forn-ya to Korntucky! Via the United States Postal Service! Maybe Silas Curtis has heard this before, but Inspectors from the USPS have absolutley no sense of humor when some asswipe tries to make them look stoopid by shipping contraband across thre country by way of Snail Mail.

123 Main Street

Or was that 132 Main Street? Well, good ole Homer Goober got his pot shipped without a hitch – until it arrived in his hometown of Lawrenceburg, Kentucky. See those addresses I typed back there? At first glance, you can see where some one might get the two confused. 99% of the time this would not be a big deal. It’s the 1% that is a big deal that it’s a BIG DEAL. Big deal as in major prison bitch hood awaits me in The Cornhole Unit of the KY (KY! Prison bitch! bwahahahahaha) State Penis-tentiary big deal.

You see, Jimmy Jake the Internet Pot Guru lives at 123 Main Street in L-burg. BUT! The pound of pot he bought from the Dumbass Out West was delivered to 132 Main Street! The poor guy who lived a 132 Main was, to say the least, surprised when he opened the package that he thought contained that “special friend” from Big Bob’s Blow Up Doll Emporium and Green Stamp Redemption Center, only to discover over $2000 worth of Latin Lettuce. After the initial shock (and a couple of bong hits) wore off, Poor Guy at 132 Main called the local constabulary and Jakey Jim was arrested and will undoubtedly be the talk of the Cornhole Unit soon.

Advice That’s Too Late

As Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, the duty to counsel one of the minions on the proper way to avoid getting busted during a narcotics shipment, falls on my shoulders. It is, however, a burden that I was born to bear, so I do it freely and with great compasion.

Dude, there is a 100% guaranteed fool-proof way to avoid getting busted when shipping marijuana across state lines. Don’t do it, Dumbass! Good Gawd, son. You dare to call yourself a loyal member of the Dumbass Nation and pull stunts like this? Next time you decide you want or need an LB, grow it yourself! Do I have to tell you how to do illegal shit every. single. time? I am your Fearless Leader, not your fucking nanny.

Growing your own weed in Kentucky shouldn’t be that difficult to do and keep it on the down low. Think about it. Take away the populations of Louisville and Lexington and how many people actually live in Kentucky? Four? Five? Six, tops. See where I am going here? There aren’t enough people in the whole damn state (minus L & L) who would give a shit whether or not you farm a little “Blue Grass”. Why take a chance on getting popped for interstate pot selling and buying when you can grow it right out in your own Back 40?

To be sure, I am not advocating that any member of the Dumbass Community do something stoopid like grow pot (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Shipping your stash through the United States Postal Service, though,  is something that I highly recommend against. 

So, it’s off to the Big House for Frankie Joe where his new nick name (besides “Fresh Meat”) will be “Xbox Live”. And I’m sure his “Xbox” will be thoroughly “360”ed on a regular basis.

The guy is an afront to good, honest, hard-working dope-smoking hillbillies everywhere.

Dumbass.

73 Year Old Granny Saves Nest Egg…By Selling Pot!

Retirement Planner

Many cultists in members of the Dumbass Horde, myself included, have reached a point in life where our Sunset Years are not that many sunsets away.

I, personally, am very close to needing to turn on the porch light in order to see through the dusk. My constant companion, Artur Itis, has, however, been kind enough to supply me with one of those curly-q CFL porch lights. How magnanimous of him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something, someone to give me hope and inspiration as I transition from Middle Aged Curmudgeon to Full Blown Old Fart. I am ecstatic to tell you, my Beloved Dumbass Horde, that I have found my Seasoned Citizen Guru in, of all places, Oklahoma.

Darlene Mayes, Granny Role Model

Darlene is special. At age 73 she is an entrepreneur who has struck it rich in her chosen endeavor. Her business encompasses several states including Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, and Kansas. As a matter of fact, Granny’s bidness supplies a full forty per cent of her product to this region.

Unfortunately, Darlene’s bidness ran into a major roadblock recently and was forced to unexpectedly shut down. Tax problems? Nope. The bad economy? Her product is basically recession-proof, so that ain’t the deal. The culprit in bringing Darlene’s to a screeching halt was the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics!

Let me splain.

The Herb Superb

You see, Granny Mayes’ wasn’t selling hand knitted quilts or Afghans or even crocheted doilies for Chrissake. She was selling POT! Latin Lettuce! Mari-fucking-juana! She was what the law enforcement community calls a Drug Kingpin. I. Shit. You. Not. This sweet, innocent looking Little Old Lady was responsible for selling millions of dollars and thousands of pounds of weed in at least four states!
  

When Darlene and her “bidness associates” were busted by the Law, she was in possession of four pounds of pot, a semi-auto pistol and a revolver. Not to mention $276,000 in cash! one her her pot dealers was her son who was popped with several thousand dollars in cash and two LBs (pounds) of potential Manually Assembled Relaxation Devices (joints, fatties, Meskin Marlboros, etc.).

According to the HuffHuffPassPass Post, when the heat went into Darlene’s house “cops found the supply in her bedroom, which reeked of weed. A vacuum-sealed bag full of the stuff was found in the closet, and bundles of bills labeled “$15,000″ were found under her box spring. They found a pipe and another bag of weed in the bathroom, and a total of $200,000 in more vacuum-sealed bags in a guest room where Mayes’ grandchildren reportedly slept.”

Darlene feigned surprise and reportedly told the Narcs that all the cheese (cash, for those of you in Kansas) they discovered in her house was “for my retirement”. Now that, Dumbasses and Dumbassettes is what is called planning for the future. Except for one thing. All that money was confiscated and remanded to the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics Donuts for a Rainy Day Fund, so Darlene won’t see one red cent of it.

She will, however, see the Sun set on her Sunset Years from a lovely cell in a Federal Penitentiary somewhere in the Midwest.

Wasted…such promise, such bidness acumen, such such…

…a Dumbass.



Best Performance by a Stoned Dumbass; The Dummy Goes To…

Makes You Hungry Just Lookin’ at It

What would such a splendor of an Award Ceremony such as The Dummies be without a category that features dumbasses and pot? Nothing, I say! Fraudulent! fake! Cheap! Well, OK, I’ll give you “cheap”, maybe even “fraudulent” on the right day, but still nothing!

Several posts about dumbasses and the herb superb have made it past the High Sheriffs at Blogger.com in the past year and have gone on to be some of the most-read entries of All Time. Therefore, I find it only fitting that we include a “dumbass and pot” selection to this year’s Dummies. 

Aaaaaaand the nominees for Best Performance By a Stoned Dumbass are…

A Guy Named Gus, His Ducks and Pot The popularity of this post took me by surprise. But then again, it’s about a French guy whose name ain’t really Gus, but some pussy French name like Claude or Michele, who raises ducks and feeds them le weed as the French say. Without giving away the whole story, the pussified Fwench (not a typo) policie (another pussy fwench word) respond to a shit load of pot Gus has been feeding his ducks by saying, “We have nev-ere seen sooch a ting before”. Les dipshits.

Homeless Dumbass, His Condo Truck and a Stoned Car Thief How is it that homeless guys, God bless ’em, are always in the middle of some stoopid shit? Even the nice, “upper crust” homeless guys like the victim in this story. Oh, yeah, the bad guy in this episode is in possession of (you guessed it!) marijuana!

How to Lose $425 Large Worth of Pot in One Easy Lesson – This one of the stoopidest things I have ever heard of. And that’s saying a lot. Long story short; dumbasses with 425 large worth of pot get carjacked. call cops. Dumbassery and possible homicide ensue.

The stoned morons in this category are such dumb fucks that they warrant an extra nomination for a Dummy in this category. 

Truck Full of Pot Wrecks; Weed Stolen by Passersby! Yup. It happened. In California. Go figger.

Wrangling up a “winner” from this group was a very touch chore. But, I did it. And the “winner” of The Dummy is……

Gus and his stoned ducks! If it tweaks the Fwench, I am all for it.

Dumbass pussies.