Baltimore, Maryland. Founded on July 30, 1729 and named after Lord Baltimore, Cecilius Calvert. famous for crab cakes, the Major League Baseball Balitmore Orioles, being too close to Washington, DC and Dumbasses.
Many of Baltimore’s citizens are natural born Dumbasses born with speech impediments that cause them to call the city “Balmer” or some messed up shit like that. But none of these speech impeded Dumbasses can hold a candle to the Maryland Master of Dumbassery (MMD), Russell Neff.
At first glance Russell Neff looks like any 22 year old Dumbass patrolling the streets of BalmyasHell, but that is far from the case.
|Russell Neff, Remote Licker|
Lucy, I got some splainin’ to do.
Russ and the Remote
WBALtv.com has the story for us: “Officials on the Eastern Shore arrested a 22-year-old man after they said he broke into a home in Salisbury, stripped down to his underwear and began cooking a chicken pot pie in the victim’s kitchen.
Russell Neff, 22, of Salisbury, was arrested Wednesday after Wicomico County sheriff’s deputies said he broke into a home in the 100 block of Civic Avenue.
The homeowner told deputies that he ran upstairs after Neff began beating on his front door around 10:30 p.m.
Neff eventually got into the home, where police said they found him sitting in a chair in the living room in only his underwear, licking the homeowner’s TV remote control. Investigators said Neff was also in the process of cooking himself a chicken pot pie that he had found in the kitchen.
The Sheriff’s Office said Neff resisted arrest but was eventually taken into custody and charged with burglary, theft of a chicken pot pie, malicious destruction of property and resisting arrest.
He’s currently at the county detention center with bail set at $250,000.
The homeowner told police he did not know Neff before the incident”.
- First, a quarter of a million dollar bail? Really? Hell, the Playboy Playmate who smuggled a live human bean into the country from Canadiastan got hit with only a $10 Large I think) bail. Oh, well.
- Why did Russy-poo even break into the house? For a chicken pot pie? next time try for a T-Bone, Dumbass. Or Vodka. Vodka is always better than a pot pie.
- If the State of Maryland didn’t have such Commie gun control laws (look it up), then Russel Neff would be eating daisies right now. And deservedly so. Fuck him. A man’s home is his castle.
- Licking a TV remote? What? Maybe it was dipped in tater juice. (OK Yoopers, “tater juice” is vodka)
- Watching TV in his underwear? I must amend a previous statement: Russell Neff would be eating daisies in his underwear.
|Commie State of Maryland Flag|
Dumbasses from all over the world come through!!! Viva Dumbasses!
Today is monumental day for Dumbass News. For the first time in the history of this blog, I am rescinding the Dumbass of the Day Award to someone. It’s a simple decision really. A few days ago, I wrote this post about the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland billing the family of a young woman who was killed in an automobile accident when she ran into a guardrail.
The Commie State Gubmint of Maryland reconsidered their dumbass decision after much criticism from
both thousands of Dumbass News readers from all around my neighborhood over the globe I’d like to say. I’d like to say that but I am a bit skeptical of it. As of now, however, I’d like to remove the West Texas Mojo Curse off the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland and thank them for coming to their senses about such a boneheaded thing to do. Although the West Texas Mojo Curse has been removed, it can at any time for any reason be reinstated as I see fit. Having said that, I’d also like to say that the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland is still a Commie State Gubmint.They will remain on Dumbass Double Super Secret Probation until I and I alone decide that they are worthy of being designated otherwise. After all, they are still…
WARNING! This post contains language that may not be suitable for work and certainly IS NOT suitable for children. You have been WARNED!
This story could only happen in a Commie place like Maryland. Or New York. Or California. Or Illinois (specifically Chicago). I’m glad I came across this story because it gives me a chance to piss off a bunch of pansy Liberals. I don’t like pansy Liberals. At all. They are a bunch of big government, intellectually bankrupt, holier than thou pussies. Let me spalin.
This past May 29 a terrible car accident killed 21 year old Sarah Marie Stebbins of Columbia, Maryland. needless to say her parents were crushed at the news of their young, vibrant daughter dieing so young and so unexpectedly. Life ain’t supposed to go like that. Parents are supposed to die first, not their children.
It has been less than three months since this tragic event and Sarah’s parents are still grief-stricken about it. I cannot and do not ever want to know what the Stebbinses are going through. I can only offer them prayers and hope that they mourning will go away soon, as if it ever will. God bless them. To prove much they care, the Commie State of Maryland sent the Stebbinses a letter concerning the crash that took their daughter’s life. At first glance, you’d think, “Well, how nice. A letter of sympathy from the State.” But hold on thar, Babba Louie! This wasn’t exactly a letter of condolences. It was more like a bill for the damages to the guardrail that Sarah hit when she died! Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.? To add insult to injury, the State of Maryland threw in a complimentary copy of the accident report for free! Mad yet? Sit down or prepare to go ape shit crazy, there’s one last little tidbit that pus the cherry on top of the shit flavored ice cream that is the Commie State of Maryland. The state gubmint also sent with the bill and the accident report…get…ready…wait…for…it…a letter of deliquency! Here’s a quote from the Commie State of Maryland’s letter to the Stebbinses, “Invoices are considered delinquent if not paid within 30 days of the invoice date. Delinquent invoices may be reported to credit reporting bureaus. Invoices referred to the Maryland Central Collection Unit will be charged an additional collection fee of 17 percent on unpaid balances as per Maryland law.” I am so furious I could spit sparks right now. I am gonna take a quick break from typing this bullshit, then I’ll be back to belittle, berate and otherwise blast the Commie State of Maryland. Gimme a minute.
OK, I am back.
Where to begin? First, I have never been to Maryland. I understand it’s a great place with a a lot of good people. Unfortunately, none of those good people, it seems, work for the Commie State Gubmint. Second, fuck you, Commie State of Maryland Gubmint, especially the Godless bastard who is responsible for sending out this letter to the Stebbinses! I’d rather crawl over a mile of razor blades then swim through a lake of rubbing alcohol infested with hungry crocodiles than to ever spend one fucking penny in that hell hole of a place called Maryland. And for good measure, fuck you dumbasses again! have you cock suckers no decency? A 21 year old woman is DEAD and her parents are grieving over her tragic death and you butt fucking pussies want to bill them for a fucking guardrail??!! And threaten to ruin their credit? And charge them interest? You Communist assholes have not only crossed the line of decorum and common sense, you have obliterated it. For the love of God, oh wait….you people are Godless Commies, so let me try a new approach…fuck you and the crab you rode in on!
I was going to go into the politics of Maryland, but they have already proven to the world that they are a bunch of low life shit stains with their actions directed to the Stebbinses. Rest assured, Commie State of Maryland, that I will do everything in my power to keep decent people from all over the world to never visit, drive through, take a vacation, attend an Orioles or Ravens game or otherwise breathe the foul air that smothers your taxed out the ass, crime riddled, punk ass, tiny hell hole again. Your Commie State has over taken California (the State, not the people, except Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer) as the place that God would give this country an enema. Assholes.
In conclusion, I’d like to ask you, Commie State of Maryland, have said “fuck you” lately? OK. Fuck you!
**This is NOT an image of the dead girl in this story***