Category: Massachusetts

ATTN: Men! Get Neutered & Receive a FREE Pizza!

Hold the Little Balls

Best of Dumbass News

 
As we all know, the economy is in pretty rough shape. As a result, many retailers are offering incentives for you to shop at their business. You know what I mean…buy 1 get 1 free, late night sales that offer deep discounts, etc. I found a business with an incentive that tops anything you’ve ever seen before. It’s so unique that it is Dumbass Worthy.

Snip Snip

A doctor in Sandwhich. Massachusetts had a plan for all you guys on the go. This special gives new meaning to the term “March Madness”. For you men about town, Dr. Evan Cohen is offering with each vasectomy in March, a FREE pizza! Yes, men, while some guy is fooling around with your nut sack, you can enjoy a nice, hot pepperoni pizza! Pepperoni. Ironic, ain’t it? The pizza of course contains no sausage balls. I’m just sayin’.

Dr. Cohen says that this is the busiest time of year in his clinic for men who seek vasectomies, so he thought a little enticement might boost business. Why he chose pizza I don’t know. It seems to me that hookers would be more appropriate. I mean shouldn’t a guy make test run with his newly snipped huevos rancheros.

Great Idea

Personally, I think this is a great idea. Not necessarily pizza as the premium, though. I think the good Doctor should give away a Cadillac or something with every 20th nut cuttin’. Now that would bring in the business. Think about it. Here are these guys who are giving up ever being a father again and all Dr. Cohen offers is a pizza? C’mon, Doc. Up the ante a little. However. it’s quite possible that we don’t want the vasectomees to reproduce again. They are in Massachusetts after all. But, I digress.

From a marketing standpoint, this is pure genius though. Professionals from all walks of life should give this promotion a try. Lawyers could give away a free divorce or write your will for free. Baby doctors give pass out free diapers, etc.

This whole idea does bring up a question though. What would a proctologist use as an incentive for a colonoscopy?

Nevermind. I don’t wanna know.

Dumbass.

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Dramatic Police Raid! At the Wrong House!

Best of Dumbass News

Useful Crime Fighting Tool

99.9% of the time exposing the dumbassery around us is a labor of love for me and I find it quite enjoyable and somewhat therapeutic. But! The other 0.1% of the time, shedding light on such stoopidshittedness is a painful thing for me. Alas, today is one of those extremely difficult occasions that fall into that 0.1%. No matter how excruciating it may be, I am duty bound by my obligation as Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde to bring you all dumbassery, no matter its source.

Disclaimer

I hate the word “disclaimer”. So many times it means nothing more than wussing out. For example, when you are watching TV and you see a commercial for, let’s say, a weight loss product. The announcer excitedly tells heavy folks that “The Skinny Pill” is nothing short of miraculous as the video of the ad shows “Sandy T.” from Salt Lake City holding the size 83 pants she wore before taking “The Skinny Pill’. Sandy T. from SLC then drops the size 83s to reveal a babe who is now a size 0 (zero)! “The Skinny Pill” really is a miracle of modern science! Or maybe not. While Sandy T. may have lost a ton or two, if you look at the fine print at the bottom of your screen as the commercial runs, you’ll see phrases like “not typical results” and “use The Skinny Pill as part of an exercise and diet program in consultation with your doctor”. “The Skinny Pill” may indeed help fat people lose weight, but there’s a lot more to slimming down than you actually hear in the ad’s audio.

That fine print that reveals “The Skinny Pill” as a small component of weight loss is called a “disclaimer”. Or as I like to call it, “The Wussing Out Clause”. Do you now understand why I despise the word “disclaimer”? It’s a wussy word.

I Hate This Part

Having said all that, I must now swallow a bitter pill and issue a disclaimer of my own. (Damn, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth)

What I am about to write is in no way, shape or form meant to be derogatory to law enforcement personnel anywhere in this country. I am merely sharing with you a story that shows that cops are human beans too and are prone to do stoopid shit just like the rest of us. In cases like this, it is imperative that I report as fully and accurately as possible on the facts of the dumbassery you are about to witness. Dumbassery committed by cops.

So, let’s see what these dumbass lawmen did! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

The Sting That Wasn’t

I can only imagine the amount of detailed planning that goes into a police raid intended to catch some real bad people. Although, by the time I am done with this story, I may learn firsthand how much detailed planning goes into one of these raids.

Down in Massivetwoshits (that would be where Boston is), a group of highly trained men with the most advanced technology in the world at their disposal, were seconds away from executing a meticulously conceived law enforcement operation designed to capture a very bad man. There they stood, just outside the location where they would burst in screaming like a pack of hyenas with bottle rockets shoved in their asses (the hyenas, not the cops….geez), carrying weapons that cause mere mortals to poop their pants when confronted with them, then grabbing the bad guy and Justice would be served.

This team of men, among the best in the world at what they do, carried out their mission without a hitch. Except for one thing. They raided the wrong place! Holy cow! For about 45 minutes, the cops detained a woman, while her 3 year old daughter cried in another room, before realizing that WOOPS!, missed it by that much! The guy they were looking for was in an apartment a few doors down. So, like true professionals, the fuzz apologized to the lady, went on about their business and later busted the real criminal.

What to Do?

A situation like this is kind of like toothpaste that’s been squeezed out of the tube. It’s out and it ain’t going back in. What else could the law guys do? The mess had been made and they didn’t have any toothpaste left. All they could do was go get a “new tube of toothpaste”, meaning rectify the dumbassery at hand and do what they had set out to do: get the bad guy. Or they could’ve ordered pizza and beer and stayed put. Naaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

This story just goes to prove that even the most qualified, best equipped, best prepared and bravest among us can sometimes be no higher up the Ladder of Evolution than the lowest of the low, the most pitiful of the pitiful or even the Fwench. Yes, friends, this group of special men can, just like the rest of us, be….

….Dumbasses.

Is that a knock at my door? Nevermind. The guy at the door had the wrong apartment.  🙂

Judge Orders State of Massivetwoshits to Pay for Prisoner’s Sex Change Operation!

Today is The Big Day!

My wife will be having gizzard-removal surgery today and will probably be in her room beginning the recovery process by the time you read this. I will, of course, be at her bedside at Dumbass Community Hospital, waiting patiently and lovingly for her to get strong enough to get home and make me a sammich. And if I were a drinking man, fetch me a beer. Dammit. That’s just the kind of compassionate Fearless Leader that I am.

Best of Dumbass News

Speaking of sex changes…I know, through a very popular blog and Facebook, a now-female, Amanda (not her real name), who has gone through, at least partially (I don’t know how much, nor do I really care), a sex change. She is a very cool person – attractive (in a sex change kind of way :{) and very funny and intelligent. I like her. If she hadn’t revealed this information, I never would have known about the surgery, nor would it have mattered. What matters to me is what’s on the inside, not bodily appendages or lack thereof. Amanda is a quality human bean. That’s all that is important to me. Like I said, I like her and didn’t abandoned our online friendship because of something that she feels is right for her. Did I mention that she’s very smart and funny as hell?

Today’s Dumbass News touches on sex-reassigment surgery, or for brevity’s sake, a sex change. For a prison inmate. A male prison inmate.

But, “Fearless Leader”, you ask, “what’s the difference in what Amanda did and the inmate wants to do?”

Allow me to elucidate.

Michelle Kosilek
Robert/Michelle (Image from HuffPo)

Vive La Difference!

What my friend did and for whatever reasons, she did on her own and through her own means. The inmate, born Robert Koselik, now called Michelle, wants the tax payers of Massivetwoshits to pay for his sex change and some Dumbass Liberal Pussy Judge, US District Judge Mark Wolf  agrees!

FYI, Judge Wolf can be reached at:

1 Courthouse Way
Boston, Massachusetts 02210
(617) 748-9152

The HuffPo story states, “U.S. District Judge Mark Wolf earlier this month ordered the state Department of Correction to provide sex-reassignment surgery to Michelle Kosilek. Wolf found that prison officials had violated Kosilek’s Eighth Amendment right to protection against cruel and unusual punishment, and that the surgery is the “only adequate treatment” for Kosilek’s gender-identity disorder.
Wolf has now found that Kosilek is also entitled to legal fees.
“Kosilek has prevailed on his claim that the defendant has violated his Eighth Amendment rights and is continuing to do so. Therefore, he is eligible to be awarded his reasonable attorney’s fees and costs,” Wolf wrote in an order entered in court Sunday.”

What. The. Fuck?

But wait! There’s more! “Kosilek first sued state prison officials 12 years ago. Two years later, Wolf ruled that Kosilek was entitled to treatment for gender-identity disorder but stopped short of ordering surgery. Kosilek sued again in 2005, arguing that the surgery was a medical necessity. Kosilek has made two suicide attempts.
In opposing Kosilek’s request, prison officials have repeatedly cited security concerns, saying that allowing her to have the surgery could make her a target for sexual assaults by other inmates.
Wolf, however, found that the DOC’s security concerns are “either pretextual or can be dealt with.

You’re joshin’ me, right Judge? Right?

Da judge ain’t joshin’.

Dumbass Questions and Musings

  • “Either pretextual or can be dealt with”? Seriously? I am dumbfounded.
  • A man living as a woman in an all male prison – what could possibly go wrong?
  • A former man who is now a woman (parts, or lack thereof and all) living in an all male prison – what could possibly go wrong there?
  • Nothing says “fuck me and make me squeal” like a transgendered person serving time in a prison filled with the opposite sex.
  • While I am fairly certain that Robert/Michelle has been a prison bitch for a while now (he’s been in prison since the early ’90s), he doesn’t realize the significance of what he’s about to do.
  • Regarding the statement above, I don’t care. The motherfucker is in prison for murdering his wife. Over the mascara or some shit.
  • Judge Mark Wolf is a Commie Bastard, pretextual or not and should be dealt with at the ballot box or Judicial Review Board, whatever the appropriate channels.
  • Bawney Fwank and Ted Kennedy are/were from Massivetwoshits. So is Judge Mark Wolf. Enough said.
  • Fuck Massivetwoshits.

Dumbasses.

Judge Says Tax Payers Must Foot the Bill for Prisoner’s Sex Change!

Speaking of sex changes…I know, through a very popular blog and Facebook, a now-female, Amanda (not her real name), who has gone through, at least partially (I don’t know how much, nor do I really care), a sex change. She is a very cool person – attractive (in a sex change kind of way :{) and very funny and intelligent. I like her. If she hadn’t revealed this information, I never would have known about the surgery, nor would it have mattered. What matters to me is what’s on the inside, not bodily appendages or lack thereof. Amanda is a quality human bean. That’s all that is important to me. Like I said, I like her and didn’t abandoned our online friendship because of something that she feels is right for her. Did I mention that she’s very smart and funny as hell?

Today’s Dumbass News touches on sex-reassigment surgery, or for brvity’s sake, a sex change. For a prison inmate. A male prison inmate.

But, “Fearless Leader”, you ask, “what’s the difference in what Amanda did and the inmate wants to do?”

Allow me to elucidate.

Michelle Kosilek
Robert/Michelle (Image from HuffPo)

Vive La Difference!

What my friend did and for whatever reasons, she did on her own and through her own means. The inmate, born Robert Koselik, now called Michelle, wants the tax payers of Massivetwoshits to pay for his sex change and some Dumbass Liberal Pussy Judge, US District Judge Mark Wolf  agrees!

FYI, Judge Wolf can be reached at:

1 Courthouse Way
Boston, Massachusetts 02210
(617) 748-9152

The HuffPo story states, “U.S. District Judge Mark Wolf earlier this month ordered the state Department of Correction to provide sex-reassignment surgery to Michelle Kosilek. Wolf found that prison officials had violated Kosilek’s Eighth Amendment right to protection against cruel and unusual punishment, and that the surgery is the “only adequate treatment” for Kosilek’s gender-identity disorder.
Wolf has now found that Kosilek is also entitled to legal fees.
“Kosilek has prevailed on his claim that the defendant has violated his Eighth Amendment rights and is continuing to do so. Therefore, he is eligible to be awarded his reasonable attorney’s fees and costs,” Wolf wrote in an order entered in court Sunday.”

What. The. Fuck?

But wait! There’s more! “Kosilek first sued state prison officials 12 years ago. Two years later, Wolf ruled that Kosilek was entitled to treatment for gender-identity disorder but stopped short of ordering surgery. Kosilek sued again in 2005, arguing that the surgery was a medical necessity. Kosilek has made two suicide attempts.
In opposing Kosilek’s request, prison officials have repeatedly cited security concerns, saying that allowing her to have the surgery could make her a target for sexual assaults by other inmates.
Wolf, however, found that the DOC’s security concerns are “either pretextual or can be dealt with.

You’re joshin’ me, right Judge? Right?

Da judge ain’t joshin’.

Dumbass Questions and Musings

  • “Either pretextual or can be dealt with”? Seriously? I am dumbfounded.
  • A man living as a woman in an all male prison – what could possibly go wrong?
  • A former man who is now a woman (parts, or lack thereof and all) living in an all male prison – what could possibly go wrong there?
  • Nothing says “fuck me and make me squeal” like a transgendered person serving time in a prison filled with the opposite sex.
  • While I am fairly certain that Robert/Michelle has been a prison bitch for a while now (he’s been in prison since the early ’90s), he doesn’t realize the significance of what he’s about to do.
  • Regarding the statement above, I don’t care. The motherfucker is in prison for murdering his wife. Over the mascara or some shit.
  • Judge Mark Wolf is a Commie Bastard, pretextual or not and should be dealt with at the ballot box or Judicial Review Board, whatever the appropriate channels.
  • Bawney Fwank and Ted Kennedy are/were from Massivetwoshits. So is Judge Mark Wolf. Enough said.
  • Fuck Massivetwoshits.

Dumbasses.

Doc Will Snip Your Gazebos & Give You a Pizza!

Hold the Little Balls

As we all know, the economy is in pretty rough shape. As a result, many retailers are offering incentives for you to shop at their business. You know what I mean…but 1 get 1 free, late night sales that offer deep discounts, etc. I found a business with an incentive that tops anything you’ve ever seen before. It’s so unique that it is Dumbass Worthy.

Snip Snip

A doctor in Sandwhich. Massachusetts had a plan for all you guys on the go. This specia;l gives new meaning to the term “March Madness”. For you men about town, Dr. Evan Cohen is offering with each vasectomy in March, a FREE pizza! Yes, men, while some guy is fooling around with your nut sack, you can enjoy a nice, hot pepperoni pizza! Pepperoni. Ironic, ain’t it? The pizza of course contains no sausage balls. I’m just sayin’.

Dr. Cohen says that this is the busiest time of year in his clinic for men who seek vasectomies, so he thought a little enticement might boost business. Why he chose pizza I don’t know. It seems to me that hookers would be more appropriate. I mean shouldn’t a guy make test run with his newly snipped huevos rancheros.

Great Idea

Personally, I think this is a great idea. Not necessarily pizza as the premium, though. I think the good Doctor should give away a Cadillac or something with every 20th nut cuttin’. Now that would bring in the business. Think about it. Here are these guys who are giving up ever being a father again and all Dr. Cohen offers is a pizza? C’mon, Doc. Up the ante a little. However. it’s quite possible that we don’t want the vasectomees to reproduce again. They are in Massachusetts after all. But, I digress.

From a marketing standpoint, this is pure genius though. Professionals from all walks of life should give this promotion a try. Lawyers could give away a free divorce or write your will for free. Baby doctors give pass out free diapers, etc.

This whole idea does bring up a question though. What would a proctologist use as an incentive for a colonoscopy?

Nevermind. I don’t wanna know.

Dumbass.

Dramatic Police Raid ! At the Wrong House!

This would have been useful.

99.9% of the time exposing the dumbassery around us is a labor of love for me and I find it quite enjoyable and somewhat therapeutic. But! The other 0.1% of the time, shedding light on such stoopidshittedness is a painful thing for me. Alas, today is one of those extremely difficult occasions that fall into that 0.1%. No matter how excruciating it may be, I am duty bound by my obligation as Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde to bring you all dumbassery, no matter its source.

Disclaimer

I hate the word “disclaimer”. So many times it means nothing more than wussing out. For example, when you are watching TV and you see a commercial for, let’s say, a weight loss product. The announcer excitedly tells heavy folks that “The Skinny Pill” is nothing short of miraculous as the video of the ad shows “Sandy T.” from Salt Lake City holding the size 83 pants she wore before taking “The Skinny Pill’. Sandy T. from SLC then drops the size 83s to reveal a babe who is now a size 0 (zero)! “The Skinny Pill” really is a miracle of modern science! Or maybe not. While Sandy T. may have lost a ton or two, if you look at the fine print at the bottom of your screen as the commercial runs, you’ll see phrases like “not typical results” and “use The Skinny Pill as part of an exercise and diet program in consultation with your doctor”. “The Skinny Pill” may indeed help fat people lose weight, but there’s a lot more to slimming down than you actually hear in the ad’s audio.

That fine print that reveals “The Skinny Pill” as a small component of weight loss is called a “disclaimer”. Or as I like to call it, “The Wussing Out Clause”. Do you now understand why I despise the word “disclaimer”? It’s a wussy word.

I Hate This Part

Having said all that, I must now swallow a bitter pill and issue a disclaimer of my own. (Damn, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth)

What I am about to write is in no way, shape or form meant to be derogatory to law enforcement personnel anywhere in this country. I am merely sharing with you a story that shows that cops are human beans too and are prone to do stoopid shit just like the rest of us. In cases like this, it is imperative that I report as fully and accurately as possible on the facts of the dumbassery you are about to witness. Dumbassery committed by cops.

So, let’s see what these dumbass lawmen did! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

The Sting That Wasn’t

I can only imagine the amount of detailed planning that goes into a police raid intended to catch some real bad people. Although, by the time I am done with this story, I may learn firsthand how much detailed planning goes into one of these raids.

Down in Massivetwoshits (that would be where Boston is), a group of highly trained men with the most advanced technology in the world at their disposal, were seconds away from executing a meticulously conceived law enforcement operation designed to capture a very bad man. There they stood, just outside the location where they would burst in screaming like a pack of hyenas with bottle rockets shoved in their asses (the hyenas, not the cops….geez), carrying weapons that cause mere mortals to poop their pants when confronted with them, then grabbing the bad guy and Justice would be served.

This team of men, among the best in the world at what they do, carried out their mission without a hitch. Except for one thing. They raided the wrong place! Holy cow! For about 45 minutes, the cops detained a woman, while her 3 year old daughter cried in another room, before realizing that WOOPS!, missed it by that much! The guy they were looking for was in an apartment a few doors down. So, like true professionals, the fuzz apologized to the lady, went on about their business and later busted the real criminal.

What to Do?

A situation like this is kind of like toothpaste that’s been squeezed out of the tube. It’s out and it ain’t going back in. What else could the law guys do? The mess had been made and they didn’t have any toothpaste left. All they could do was go get a “new tube of toothpaste”, meaning rectify the dumbassery at hand and do what they had set out to do: get the bad guy. Or they could’ve ordered pizza and beer and stayed put. Naaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

This story just goes to prove that even the most qualified, best equipped, best prepared and bravest among us can sometimes be no higher up the Ladder of Evolution than the lowest of the low, the most pitiful of the pitiful or even the Fwench. Yes, friends, this group of special men can, just like the rest of us, be….

….Dumbasses.

Is that a knock at my door? Nevermind. The guy at the door had the wrong apartment.  🙂