Category: Meijer

Fat Lady Shoplifts, Then Goes After Cop’s Donut

Needs Directions To Nearest Jack in the Box

Shoplifters are some of the most clever but dumbass people you’ll ever see. They come up some ingenius ways to steal something. Having done some work in retail over the years, I have seen some really good shoplifters. They are brave enough to go into a business and steal something, but most of the time after the get busted, they whine like a bunch of two year olds. It really hits them hard when the Police show up and reality smacks them upside the head. They are headed “downtown”.

Having said all that, dumbasses are forever coming up with new ways to rob retailers blind. Take this woman in Rochester Hills, Michigan…..PLEASE! Haha I am a comic genuis. Anyway, there was this 400 pound woman who was doing her Christmas shoplifting early this year at Meijer store in Rochester Hills. She had stuffed over $600 worth of electronics onto the motorized scooter she was riding around the Meijer store. The story from UPI tells us that “She set off the door alarm and hit a store employee who confronted her, authorities said. When a sheriff’s deputy arrived, she “took a fighting stance” and had to be Tasered to be subdued, the report said.” Four little words in the previous sentence stand out like a green turd in a punch bowl. The words? “took a fighting stance”. How in the hell can a 400 pound woman “take a fighting stance’? Well, of course, unless somebody cuts in front nof her at the all you can eat buffet. But, I digress. One more thing…the cops tasered her? What the hell was she gonna do to the cops? A little Kung Fu, perhaps? Dumbasses. Oh, wait! Maybe the cop who first arrived on the scene was on break at a nearby Dunkin Donuts and he grabbed his chocolate eclaire and took nit with him to the scene of the crime. Now I can see why she was tasered. The bitch wanted the cops pastry and anybody caught geeting between he and the eclaire would be squished a ripe tomato.

That’s our story for today. I hope tou enjoyed the dumbassery as much as I did. Tune in tomorrow when we do a follow up to this story. Its tentative title is, “How Prison Food Helped Me Lose 275 Pounds Without Dieting”. Dumbass.

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