Category: Meth Lab

The Old Meth Lab in the Underwear Trick!

Dave

Best of Dumbass News

 
While the United States is the greatest country in the History of the World, we are still faced by problems that have plagued mankind since Cain took out Abel. Murder, obviously, rape and other horrific sex crimes to name a few.

Prominently displayed high on the list of Scourges on Humanity is drug abuse. Millions of citizens of this great land are hooked on drugs like Liberals are hooked on Gubmint and OPM (Other Peoples” Money). A significant number of drug addicted Americans are ordinary people who have made some real fucked up choices in their lives and, for whatever reason, turned to self medication as a way to cope with the difficulties in their lives. As a Former Professional Drinker, I have a tremendous amount of sympathy and empathy for these souls. On the other hand, however, many drug abusers are just plain old Dumbasses.

Let me offer you an example.

An Example

A prime example of a Dumbass doing drugs simply because he is an idiot is David Williams of Oklahoma.

Dave and one of his junkie friends were driving through Okmulgee County, Oklahoma when they got pulled over for speeding. (BTW “Okmulgee” is a Cherokee Indian word for “We Hate the Paleface for Fucking Us Over in the 1800s”) And when I say “speeding”, I mean speeding! Exceeding the posted speed limit was the least of Dave’s worries. His most pressing concern at this point is the portable meth lab in his UNDERWEAR! I ain’t kiddin’! Dumbass Dave had a mini meth lab in his draws.

When Dave & Friend were pulled over, the Oklahoma State Trooper who did so noticed a strange smell coming from the Meth Mobile. This is a not a good thing if you are Dave. Or “Friend” for that matter. The Trooper asked about the weird smell emanating from the car and that’s when the struggle began. Dave and the cop rassled around for a moment then the situation took a dramatic turn. The meth lab in Dave’s undies exploded! BOOM! The simple explosion of something located in proximity to a man’s gazebos is cause for serious concern to the man in question. You see, in order to produce meth a volatile mixture of chemicals must be used, thus the ignition of the shit in Dave’s BVDs.

That’s gonna leave a mark.

A Dave That Will Live in Infamy

I have published some Pulitzer-worthy posts about Dumbasses who have been featured on these pages because of the stoopid shit they did and the involvement of drugs in their very public acts of dumbassery. There’s this story about a couple of Dumbasses who are in possession of $425,000 worth of pot and the car containing the weed gets hijacked! How about the Einstein who was buying some pot in some seedy neighborhood when he got robbed. Then he called the police! This one’s the doozy about some Dumbass Bitch who texted someone telling them that she had some primo shit. The “someone” in question was a cop! 


As outrageous as those stories are, I gotta give Dave credit for out-dumbassing all other dumbasses and their drug deals. Dave, you have raised (lowered?0 the bar for Future Dumbasses who choose to become in the fine art of drug trafficking. Setting a new standard in the Realm of Dumbassery is a rare achievement akin to finally finding Waldo.

I salute you.

Official Dumbass Salute

I think Dave should take advantage of his recent misfortune by creating and marketing a new brand of men’s underwear. The new brand’s name? Fruit of the Boom!

Dumbass.

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Poll: Congress More Popular Than Meth Labs, But Not Cockroaches

There’s an old saying that goes something like this, “if ‘con’ is the opposite of ‘pro’, is ‘Congress’ the opposite of ‘progress’?” The answer to that query is a resounding “hell yes!”.

I am not the only one that feels this way.

Let me splain.

They Asked, You Replied

Public Policy Polling, a nationally recognized polling firm, recently asked 830 Americans from around the country a “series of either/or questions about Congress vs some very unpleasant alternatives”.

For example, when pitted against the Kardashians, Congress comes out ahead. Our elected representatives, and I use the term “representatives” very loosely here, also edged out:

  1. North Korea
  2. Fidel Castro
  3. Lindsay Lohan
  4. The ebola virus
  5. Communism (although it’s difficult to distinguish the current bunch in Washington, DC from your garden variety Commie; see numbers 1 & 2)
  6. Meth labs
  7. Gonorrhea

I’m sure the United States Congress is very happy that it out-polls perhaps the most oppressive gubmint in the world, one of the most despised mass murdering dictators in history, a deadly disease, an illegal narcotic, an actress with a well publicized drinking and drug problem and a venereal disease. I know that this puts a song in my heart. <—-oozing with sarcasm.

The list above is the good news in this story.

The Bad News

Wanna hear some of the nasty shit that, according to this poll, Americans have a better opinion of when compared to your US Gubmint?

  1. Genghis Khan – At least he fought wars to win. Right, Mr. Preznit?
  2. Fwance – Proving we have become a nation of pussies….thanks Obama voters!
  3. Donald Trump – Can he fire 535 people all at once?
  4. Traffic jams – Nothing says I hate Congress more than sniffing automobile emissions on a sweltering summer day in Houston.
  5. Nickelback (the rock band) – So what? Like Congress, this band is long on BS, short on substance.
  6. Root canals – If only Novocaine could dull the pain of the House & Senate.
  7. Colonoscopies – at least you expect to take it up the ass with a colonoscopy.
  8. Cockroaches – Like the cucarachas in DC, they scatter when you turn on the light and they are impervious to insecticides.

There ya go, America. That’s how the idjits who make the laws we live by stack up against such formidable competition as the ordinary cockroach, murderous despots and  having a medical device shoved up your anal cavity.

What a country!

God help us all.

Dumbasses.

Mobile Meth Lab in Man’s Boxers! This Does Not Go Well

Dave

Best of Dumbass News 

 
While the United States is the greatest country in the History of the World, we are still faced by problems that have plagued mankind since Cain took out Abel. Murder, obviously, rape and other horrific sex crimes to name a few.

Prominently displayed high on the list of Scourges on Humanity is drug abuse. Millions of citizens of this great land are hooked on drugs like Liberals are hooked on Gubmint and OPM (Other Peoples” Money). A significant number of drug addicted Americans are ordinary people who have made some real fucked up choices in their lives and, for whatever reason, turned to self medication as a way to cope with the difficulties in their lives. As a Former Professional Drinker, I have a tremendous amount of sympathy and empathy for these souls. On the other hand, however, many drug abusers are just plain old Dumbasses.

Let me offer you an example.

An Example

A prime example of a Dumbass doing drugs simply because he is an idiot is David Williams of Oklahoma.

Dave and one of his junkie friends were driving through Okmulgee County, Oklahoma when they got pulled over for speeding. (BTW “Okmulgee” is a Cherokee Indian word for “We Hate the Paleface for Fucking Us Over in the 1800s”) And when I say “speeding”, I mean speeding! Exceeding the posted speed limit was the least of Dave’s worries. His most pressing concern at this point is the portable meth lab in his UNDERWEAR! I ain’t kiddin’! Dumbass Dave had a mini meth lab in his draws.

When Dave & Friend were pulled over, the Oklahoma State Trooper who did so noticed a strange smell coming from the Meth Mobile. This is a not a good thing if you are Dave. Or “Friend” for that matter. The Trooper asked about the weird smell emanating from the car and that’s when the struggle began. Dave and the cop rassled around for a moment then the situation took a dramatic turn. The meth lab in Dave’s undies exploded! BOOM! The simple explosion of something located in proximity to a man’s gazebos is cause for serious concern to the man in question. You see, in order to produce meth a volatile mixture of chemicals must be used, thus the ignition of the shit in Dave’s BVDs.

That’s gonna leave a mark.

A Dave That Will Live in Infamy

I have published some Pulitzer-worthy posts about Dumbasses who have been featured on these pages because of the stoopid shit they did and the involvement of drugs in their very public acts of dumbassery. There’s this story about a couple of Dumbasses who are in possession of $425,000 worth of pot and the car containing the weed gets hijacked! How about the Einstein who was buying some pot in some seedy neighborhood when he got robbed. Then he called the police! This one’s the doozy about some Dumbass Bitch who texted someone telling them that she had some primo shit. The “someone” in question was a cop! 


As outrageous as those stories are, I gotta give Dave credit for out-dumbassing all other dumbasses and their drug deals. Dave, you have raised (lowered?0 the bar for Future Dumbasses who choose to become in the fine art of drug trafficking. Setting a new standard in the Realm of Dumbassery is a rare achievement akin to finally finding Waldo.

I salute you.

Official Dumbass Salute

I think Dave should take advantage of his recent misfortune by creating and marketing a new brand of men’s underwear. The new brand’s name? Fruit of the Boom!

Dumbass.

Smoking Meth at WalMart – After Being Busted for Shoplifting!

Sparky’s Meth Lab?

How does that old saying (and remember, I’m big on sayings!) go? To whom much is given, much is expected? Right? Yeah, that’s the one. I was given much and of me much is expected.

I must have had the right number for a big load of “Dumbass” while I was standing in line to be born, because when I got to the front of the line I got a Mack truck full of it. It was this Fluke of Nature that pre-ordained me to be the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Everything happens for a reason. That’s another great saying. Damn, I love those sayings.

Low Prices…..and Meth, Every Day

Over time, I have written some crazy stories about the comings and goings at Wal Mart. I went back through the Dumbass News archives looking for such tales and three popped up right away.

First, there’s the emotional story of a pregnant lady who went into labor while at the local Wally World – while shoplifting! Truly a magical moment.

Then came an anecdote of a dedicated Wal Mart employee who loved his job as a greeter so much that he finished his shift one night and came back a little while later only to rob the store! I guess his 401K was a little anemic.

Our third allegory involves a hungry person. A person so hungry that he felt compelled to have a picnic at Wal Mart. In the Ladies rest room! S.O.S., anyone? S.O.S. meaninmg Shit On Shingles. Hey, the buffet was ready made. I’m just sayin’.

As stoopid as these stories are, none of them comes close to the latest episode of As Wal Mart Turns for Dumbassery and dumbfuckery.

This is where the “meth” part comes in.

Speedy Check Out

They have a nice Wal Mart in south St. Louis County, Missouri. Just ask our unidentified Dumbass who was recently burned there. And when I say “burned”, I mean “burned”.

Our Dumbass, a lady for clarification’s sake we’ll call “Sparky”, was having a grand old time searching for the latest bargains at Wal Mart when she saw a few items she just couldn’t live without, so she picked them up. She picked them but didn’t pay for them. In south St. Louis County, like all other jurisdictions in the United States, this is what’s known as “shoplifting”. And depending on the retail value of the pilfered loot, could also be known as what is called a “felony”.

But being nabbed while committing a possible felony with the prospects of spending a few years in the State Pen wasn’t enough for Sparky. Upon being remanded to the holding area, the store “jail”, Sparky took things to a level seldom achieved by Dumbasses anywhere. Ever.


While in the custody of store security people, Sparky pulled out a 20 oz. soda bottle from her purse as if to take a swig of the soft drink. Except she didn’t take a sip, she took a drag. A drag of methamphetamine! The 20 oz. soda bottle had been turned into a portable meth lab! Now, I am not sure how one refashions an empty pop bottle into a toteable speed pipe, but what an ingenious idea! I have (cough cough) “heard” of people who turn a beer can into a pot smoking device, but I have never known that a plastic soda bottle could be transformed into a meth lab. This is a perfect example of the K.I.S.S. Theory – Keep It Simple Stoopid. Brilliant in its simplicity. Illegal as hell, but still brilliant. Even the Dumbass we discovered with the meth lab in his Fruit of the Looms is a piker when compared to Sparky.

Sadly, for her, Sparky is headed for the Big House and will, like other Dumbass Bitches before her, settle into her role as a “woman behind bars”, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

We can now look forward to more of Sparky’s handiwork when she is finally released from prison in 10 to 17 years. I understand she plans on crafting a douchebag made from a Bic Pen and a rubber pillow case.

Her children must be so proud.

Dumbass.