Category: Meth

Lottery Winners Celebrate By Buying Pot & Meth; Also Blow Up House!

I some times think (dream?) of what I might do if I suddenly came into a large sum of money.

I’d like believe that I’d do some practical stuff before I went on a Dumbass Spending Spree. You know, like buy a house and some land and perhaps a new car or two. Since I am an Old Guy with two small children (girls 10 & 6), I would also open up a savings account for each of them to use towards a college education.

Then I’d go balls to the wall ape shit wasting money on cool shit. Like a new bass boat. Fish. Fear. Me.

And travel. I’d love to tour Mexico and Central America. I speak pretty fluent Spanish so this idea is certainly not far-fetched. Also, since I live only a few hours from Canada, I’d set off on a summer long tour of the second largest country in the world and her ten provinces and three territories.

The same can not be said for a pair of brothers (siblings, not black guys) in Kansas.

Hitting the Jackpot 

There are a couple of Dumbasses in Kansas who are brothers. Actually, there are thousands of Dumbasses in Kansas, many of them brothers, but I just want to focus on the two idiots relevant to today’s story. Anyway, the Brothers recently won a large jackpot in the Kansas Lottery. Seventy-five large to be exact.

I can only assume that The Brothers did not have families. I say that because of what they did with their sudden windfall. Did they sock away some of their winnings for a rainy day? No. Did they make plans to travel the country? Nope. How about buy a new car or boat? No this time. “Well, Fearless Leader”, you ask, what gives?”

Party Time! 

The Brothers did what millions of young, red-blooded American guys would do with seventy-five thousand dollars and a lot of time on their hands.

They rushed out and bought some meth and some pot! 

This is what many young people in Kansas do when presented at a moment’s notice with a copious amount of cash. Especially in Manhattan and Lawrence. I can kind of understand why young folks would do shit like this. Have you ever been to Kansas? (I think I just blew any chance I had at being invited to a University of Kansas basketball game or a K-State football game all to hell by writing the previous few sentences. Rawk Tawk Jayhawk)

BOOM! 

Guess what else our newly rich Duo of Dumbasses did upon hitting the jackpot? They blew up their house!

One of the brothers went to the kitchen to refuel the butane torches they planned to use to light their bongs. He emptied a couple of large cans of butane lighter fluid, leaking butane into the air.

“The butane vapor reached the pilot light in the furnace, and as you might expect, ka-boom,” Wichita Police Sgt. Bruce Watts said at a press conference.
KFDL reports that the injured brother’s girlfriend drove him to the hospital and then “sped off and has not been found.”

I hope we can all learn a lesson from this story.

The lesson is: the next time you want to spark up your bong, use matches, not butane! If you do you use butane, do not do so near an open flame.

Dumbasses.

***Thanks to the HuffPo***

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The Old Meth Lab in the Underwear Trick!

Dave

Best of Dumbass News

 
While the United States is the greatest country in the History of the World, we are still faced by problems that have plagued mankind since Cain took out Abel. Murder, obviously, rape and other horrific sex crimes to name a few.

Prominently displayed high on the list of Scourges on Humanity is drug abuse. Millions of citizens of this great land are hooked on drugs like Liberals are hooked on Gubmint and OPM (Other Peoples” Money). A significant number of drug addicted Americans are ordinary people who have made some real fucked up choices in their lives and, for whatever reason, turned to self medication as a way to cope with the difficulties in their lives. As a Former Professional Drinker, I have a tremendous amount of sympathy and empathy for these souls. On the other hand, however, many drug abusers are just plain old Dumbasses.

Let me offer you an example.

An Example

A prime example of a Dumbass doing drugs simply because he is an idiot is David Williams of Oklahoma.

Dave and one of his junkie friends were driving through Okmulgee County, Oklahoma when they got pulled over for speeding. (BTW “Okmulgee” is a Cherokee Indian word for “We Hate the Paleface for Fucking Us Over in the 1800s”) And when I say “speeding”, I mean speeding! Exceeding the posted speed limit was the least of Dave’s worries. His most pressing concern at this point is the portable meth lab in his UNDERWEAR! I ain’t kiddin’! Dumbass Dave had a mini meth lab in his draws.

When Dave & Friend were pulled over, the Oklahoma State Trooper who did so noticed a strange smell coming from the Meth Mobile. This is a not a good thing if you are Dave. Or “Friend” for that matter. The Trooper asked about the weird smell emanating from the car and that’s when the struggle began. Dave and the cop rassled around for a moment then the situation took a dramatic turn. The meth lab in Dave’s undies exploded! BOOM! The simple explosion of something located in proximity to a man’s gazebos is cause for serious concern to the man in question. You see, in order to produce meth a volatile mixture of chemicals must be used, thus the ignition of the shit in Dave’s BVDs.

That’s gonna leave a mark.

A Dave That Will Live in Infamy

I have published some Pulitzer-worthy posts about Dumbasses who have been featured on these pages because of the stoopid shit they did and the involvement of drugs in their very public acts of dumbassery. There’s this story about a couple of Dumbasses who are in possession of $425,000 worth of pot and the car containing the weed gets hijacked! How about the Einstein who was buying some pot in some seedy neighborhood when he got robbed. Then he called the police! This one’s the doozy about some Dumbass Bitch who texted someone telling them that she had some primo shit. The “someone” in question was a cop! 


As outrageous as those stories are, I gotta give Dave credit for out-dumbassing all other dumbasses and their drug deals. Dave, you have raised (lowered?0 the bar for Future Dumbasses who choose to become in the fine art of drug trafficking. Setting a new standard in the Realm of Dumbassery is a rare achievement akin to finally finding Waldo.

I salute you.

Official Dumbass Salute

I think Dave should take advantage of his recent misfortune by creating and marketing a new brand of men’s underwear. The new brand’s name? Fruit of the Boom!

Dumbass.

Mobile Meth Lab in Man’s Boxers! This Does Not Go Well

Dave

Best of Dumbass News 

 
While the United States is the greatest country in the History of the World, we are still faced by problems that have plagued mankind since Cain took out Abel. Murder, obviously, rape and other horrific sex crimes to name a few.

Prominently displayed high on the list of Scourges on Humanity is drug abuse. Millions of citizens of this great land are hooked on drugs like Liberals are hooked on Gubmint and OPM (Other Peoples” Money). A significant number of drug addicted Americans are ordinary people who have made some real fucked up choices in their lives and, for whatever reason, turned to self medication as a way to cope with the difficulties in their lives. As a Former Professional Drinker, I have a tremendous amount of sympathy and empathy for these souls. On the other hand, however, many drug abusers are just plain old Dumbasses.

Let me offer you an example.

An Example

A prime example of a Dumbass doing drugs simply because he is an idiot is David Williams of Oklahoma.

Dave and one of his junkie friends were driving through Okmulgee County, Oklahoma when they got pulled over for speeding. (BTW “Okmulgee” is a Cherokee Indian word for “We Hate the Paleface for Fucking Us Over in the 1800s”) And when I say “speeding”, I mean speeding! Exceeding the posted speed limit was the least of Dave’s worries. His most pressing concern at this point is the portable meth lab in his UNDERWEAR! I ain’t kiddin’! Dumbass Dave had a mini meth lab in his draws.

When Dave & Friend were pulled over, the Oklahoma State Trooper who did so noticed a strange smell coming from the Meth Mobile. This is a not a good thing if you are Dave. Or “Friend” for that matter. The Trooper asked about the weird smell emanating from the car and that’s when the struggle began. Dave and the cop rassled around for a moment then the situation took a dramatic turn. The meth lab in Dave’s undies exploded! BOOM! The simple explosion of something located in proximity to a man’s gazebos is cause for serious concern to the man in question. You see, in order to produce meth a volatile mixture of chemicals must be used, thus the ignition of the shit in Dave’s BVDs.

That’s gonna leave a mark.

A Dave That Will Live in Infamy

I have published some Pulitzer-worthy posts about Dumbasses who have been featured on these pages because of the stoopid shit they did and the involvement of drugs in their very public acts of dumbassery. There’s this story about a couple of Dumbasses who are in possession of $425,000 worth of pot and the car containing the weed gets hijacked! How about the Einstein who was buying some pot in some seedy neighborhood when he got robbed. Then he called the police! This one’s the doozy about some Dumbass Bitch who texted someone telling them that she had some primo shit. The “someone” in question was a cop! 


As outrageous as those stories are, I gotta give Dave credit for out-dumbassing all other dumbasses and their drug deals. Dave, you have raised (lowered?0 the bar for Future Dumbasses who choose to become in the fine art of drug trafficking. Setting a new standard in the Realm of Dumbassery is a rare achievement akin to finally finding Waldo.

I salute you.

Official Dumbass Salute

I think Dave should take advantage of his recent misfortune by creating and marketing a new brand of men’s underwear. The new brand’s name? Fruit of the Boom!

Dumbass.

Smoking Meth at WalMart – After Being Busted for Shoplifting!

Sparky’s Meth Lab?

How does that old saying (and remember, I’m big on sayings!) go? To whom much is given, much is expected? Right? Yeah, that’s the one. I was given much and of me much is expected.

I must have had the right number for a big load of “Dumbass” while I was standing in line to be born, because when I got to the front of the line I got a Mack truck full of it. It was this Fluke of Nature that pre-ordained me to be the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Everything happens for a reason. That’s another great saying. Damn, I love those sayings.

Low Prices…..and Meth, Every Day

Over time, I have written some crazy stories about the comings and goings at Wal Mart. I went back through the Dumbass News archives looking for such tales and three popped up right away.

First, there’s the emotional story of a pregnant lady who went into labor while at the local Wally World – while shoplifting! Truly a magical moment.

Then came an anecdote of a dedicated Wal Mart employee who loved his job as a greeter so much that he finished his shift one night and came back a little while later only to rob the store! I guess his 401K was a little anemic.

Our third allegory involves a hungry person. A person so hungry that he felt compelled to have a picnic at Wal Mart. In the Ladies rest room! S.O.S., anyone? S.O.S. meaninmg Shit On Shingles. Hey, the buffet was ready made. I’m just sayin’.

As stoopid as these stories are, none of them comes close to the latest episode of As Wal Mart Turns for Dumbassery and dumbfuckery.

This is where the “meth” part comes in.

Speedy Check Out

They have a nice Wal Mart in south St. Louis County, Missouri. Just ask our unidentified Dumbass who was recently burned there. And when I say “burned”, I mean “burned”.

Our Dumbass, a lady for clarification’s sake we’ll call “Sparky”, was having a grand old time searching for the latest bargains at Wal Mart when she saw a few items she just couldn’t live without, so she picked them up. She picked them but didn’t pay for them. In south St. Louis County, like all other jurisdictions in the United States, this is what’s known as “shoplifting”. And depending on the retail value of the pilfered loot, could also be known as what is called a “felony”.

But being nabbed while committing a possible felony with the prospects of spending a few years in the State Pen wasn’t enough for Sparky. Upon being remanded to the holding area, the store “jail”, Sparky took things to a level seldom achieved by Dumbasses anywhere. Ever.


While in the custody of store security people, Sparky pulled out a 20 oz. soda bottle from her purse as if to take a swig of the soft drink. Except she didn’t take a sip, she took a drag. A drag of methamphetamine! The 20 oz. soda bottle had been turned into a portable meth lab! Now, I am not sure how one refashions an empty pop bottle into a toteable speed pipe, but what an ingenious idea! I have (cough cough) “heard” of people who turn a beer can into a pot smoking device, but I have never known that a plastic soda bottle could be transformed into a meth lab. This is a perfect example of the K.I.S.S. Theory – Keep It Simple Stoopid. Brilliant in its simplicity. Illegal as hell, but still brilliant. Even the Dumbass we discovered with the meth lab in his Fruit of the Looms is a piker when compared to Sparky.

Sadly, for her, Sparky is headed for the Big House and will, like other Dumbass Bitches before her, settle into her role as a “woman behind bars”, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

We can now look forward to more of Sparky’s handiwork when she is finally released from prison in 10 to 17 years. I understand she plans on crafting a douchebag made from a Bic Pen and a rubber pillow case.

Her children must be so proud.

Dumbass.