Category: Michigan

Credit Card Theft: The Gateway to Smoking!

Best of Dumbass News

It’s very difficult to get a majority of people to agree on any given subject. Can we agree on that? OK. There is one thing, however, on which a vast majority of any given 100 Americans at any given time will rally together. Smoking.

Whether you smoke or not, we all know that inhaling or chewing tobacco products is not a healthy thing. I am not preaching here as I have been on both sides of the smoking issue. I smoked for a number of years, quit cold turkey and after twelve years of being smoke-free, my Dad up and died on me in 2004 and for some real stoopid reason I started smoking again. I have yet to stop putting daily nails in my own coffin.

Regardless of the health risks associated with smoking, some people who smoke run into trouble in ways not dealing with a medical condition. That is, unless and until being a Dumbass becomes an accepted “disorder” in the medical community.

Let me splain.

That State Up North

Gateway to Smoking

In a place that Ohioans call “That state up north”, meaning Michigan, is a town of about 15,000 named Traverse City. TC is known for, believe it or not, growing grapes and producing wine. Wine? Made in Meechagan? I never saw that coming. What kind of wine do they make there? MD 20/20, The Mad Dog?

I don’t know what the deal is with wine in Traverse City, but I do know that they produce some of the best Dumbasses in the country.

Like the guy who a couple of weeks ago stole a credit card from a local woman. The thief is at this point running wild in Traverse City with pilfered platinum plastic, charging up large quantities of the Mad Dog and filling up his car with gasoline when he wanted a cigarette. Problem was, he had none. He stopped at a 7-11 type store to buy, meaning charge, some butts where Kevin Gay was filling up his automobile with enviro-weenie friendly ethanol. Kevin recognized the credit card thief from a security camera tape where the idiot had previously used the stolen card. Oh! Did I mention that Kevin Gay is a Detective in the TCPD? Yup, he is.

Thus ends the Great Credit Card Caper of 2012 in Traverse City, Michigan. Crook busted, jailed and now preparing for a bright future in Prison Bitchery.

Moral to the Story

If there is one thing to take away from this story, it’s that if you are a credit card thief, DO NOT SMOKE! Or conversely, if you smoke, DO NOT STEAL CREDIT CARDS! Taking things a step further, if you are a smoking credit card thief, buy your cancer sticks somewhere away from where you stole the damn card! Do I have to spell all this out for you Mad Dog-addicted thieves in Meechagan, or is this just an affliction of moronity unique to Traverse City?

I thought that the Dumbasses in Meechagan would be more of the Wolverine kind of guys, on a crime spree to spread terror and anguish amongst the local citizenry. Then, out of the wild blue, I find out that they are more of a gopher, like in Minny-soda.

New Meechagan State Motto: “At Least We Ain’t Minny-soda. But Our Dumbasses Are Big Pussies Just Like Theirs”

Disappointment abounds.

Dumbasses.

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Credit Card Theft Is a Gateway Crime to Smoking!

WARNING from Dumbass General: Cigs Can Lead to Long Term Prison Bitchery

It’s very difficult to get a majority of people to agree on any given subject. Can we agree on that? OK. There is one thing, however, on which a vast majority of any given 100 Americans at any given time will rally together. Smoking.

Whether you smoke or not, we all know that inhaling or chewing tobacco products is not a healthy thing. I am not preaching here as I have been on both sides of the smoking issue. I smoked for a number of years, quit cold turkey and after twelve years of being smoke-free, my Dad up and died on me in 2004 and for some real stoopid reason I started smoking again. I have yet to stop putting daily nails in my own coffin.

Regardless of the health risks associated with smoking, some people who smoke run into trouble in ways not dealing with a medical condition. That is, unless and until being a Dumbass becomes an accepted “disorder” in the medical community.

Let me splain.


That State Up North

In a place that Ohioans call “That state up north”, meaning Michigan, is a town of about 15,000 named Traverse City. TC is known for, believe it or not, growing grapes and producing wine. Wine? Made in Meechagan? I never saw that coming. What kind of wine do they make there? MD 20/20, The Mad Dog?

I don’t know what the deal is with wine in Traverse City, but I do know that they produce some of the best Dumbasses in the country.

Like the guy who a couple of weeks ago stole a credit card from a local woman. The thief is  at this point running wild in Traverse City with pilfered platinum plastic, charging up large quantities of the Mad Dog and filling up his car with gasoline when he needed a cigarette. Problem was, he had none. He stopped at a 7-11 type store to buy, meaning charge, some butts where Kevin Gay was filling up his automobile with enviro-weenie friendly ethanol. Kevin recognized the credit card thief from a security camera tape where the idiot had previously used the stolen card. Oh! Did I mention that Kevin Gay is a Detective in the TCPD? Yup, he is.

Thus ends the Great Credit Card Caper of 2012 in Traverse City, Michigan. Crook busted, jailed and now preparing for a bright future in Prison Bitchery.

Moral to the Story 

If there is one thing to take away from this story, it’s that if you are a credit card thief, DO NOT SMOKE! Or conversely, if you smoke, DO NOT STEAL CREDIT CARDS! Taking things a step further, if you are a smoking credit card thief, buy your cancer sticks somewhere away from where you stole the damn card! Do I have to spell all this out for you Mad Dog-addicted thieves in Meechagan, or is this just an affliction of moronity unique to Traverse City?

I thought that the Dumbasses in Meechagan would be more of the Wolverine kind of guys, on a crime spree to spread terror and anguish amongst the local citizenry. Then, out of the wild blue, I find out that they are more of a gopher, like in Minny-soda.


New Meechagan State Motto: “At Least We Ain’t Minny-soda. But Our Dumbasses Are Big Pussies Just Like Theirs”

Disappointment abounds.

Dumbasses.

Ohio DMV: Prudes and Dumbasses

Unbridled Hatred

I love college football. In one way it’s too bad that the season is winding down. On the other hand, it’s time for some of the greatest rivalries in the game. This week alone we have Texas vs Texas A&M (Hook ’em Horns!), the Georgia Bulldogs play the Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech and The Big House in Ann Arbor, Michigan will be the site of one of college football’s greatest and most fierce rivalries as The Ohio State University visits the Wolverines of Michigan. I lived in Ohio for a while and let me tell you first hand how much OSU and its fans hate UM. Besides the normal fuck Michigan and Michigan sucks stuff, Buckeye fans take their animosity a little bit further. Taking it further meaning all the way their vanity license plates. Ohioans pay damn good money for those plates then the Department of Dumbasses at the Ohio Department of Motor Vee-hickles pull the rug right out from under them (the citizens) by declining their request for certain phrases on vanity plates.

Banned

The pussies at the Ohio DMV have denied requests for some stoopid phrases on vanity plates The to me seem relatively harmless. For example, one banned plate was simply “FMICHIGN”. What the is the problem with that? Not a damn thing. Another doomed plate: “HATEMI”. There other examples of this bullshit but I’ll spare you the details since these two are among “the worst” requests. C’mon, Ohio DMV, man up you bitches! Grow a pair! “KILBLU”! <—That’s on the no-no list too.I understand the need to keep the need to keep things family friendly, but holy shot, people. I can think of several slogans for vanity plates that would be inappropriate for public display. How about “FUKDBLU” or ‘MICH812″. Another good one would be “DMVRDUMASSES”. It’s a little long for a typical license plate, but maybe they could write it really small so it would fit. Where is the Freedom of Speech when you need it??!! I mean, if a guy from Ohio can’t say (on a vanity plate) that “MICHEATSSWAMPDONKEYBALLS”, what has this country come to? I am appalled! And disappointed. I’d look forward to seeing some visitors from Ohio here in Maine with a cool slogan on it supporting Ohio State. I can see it now…“CHRLEDRSATUMDONTEATTHEYGRAZE”. It’s all good clean fun that is an honored tradition in such athletic competition. But all the generations of carrying on with the spirit of thinking the other team is stomped out, nay, “SLOTRD” by a bunch of  “FUKRS” at the Ohio DMV. Old bastards who wouldn’t know fun if it gave them a lap dance.

“OHIODMVSUXPIGSHITTHRUASTRAW”.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Fakes Own Kidnapping, Prison Ensues

OK, here we go again. Another “dumbass does stoopid shit to get girl’s attention and ends up looking like a bigger dumbass because he goes to jail” story. let me splain.

There is this dumbass who lives in Roseville, Michigan with a lot of other dumbasses, but he stands head and shoulders above the other dumbasses. How do I know that? This is how I know…the dumbass faked his own kidnapping just to get the attention of a girl who turns out to be his ex-girlfriend! Folks, this is the kind of dumbassery that is so stoopid that it measures 6.5 on the Richter Scale. Lemme put this another way. If a horse was this stoopid, he’d be glue right now. Our dumbass, however, would be refused at the glue factory because he’s worthless, even as glue. So now it is your responsibility as a taxpayer to support his sorry ass for the next “X” number of years. We can only hope that, at the end of incarceration he has truly repented of his sins, is rehabilitated and is fit to join polite society again. In the meanwhile, I hope this dipshit, knuckle dragger gets his ass kicked every day for the duration of his prison term for pulling this little stunt. Oh…and don’t forget Leon “Hung Like A Horse” Williams, the Official Adopted Inmate of Dumbass News. Leon loves white meat. Leon says it tastes like chicken. Leon also doesn’t like it when pasty white sissy boys waste taxpayers money on elaborate pansy schemes to get the attention of a girl whose nicest words to you are, “Die in a fire, Asswipe”.

I was going to excerpt some of the story but, there’s not anything else that would add to this post, except this: “Deputies said the man told them he had been having suicidal thoughts and had previously attempted suicide. He was taken to a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation.” Well, I know that I feel beter. The Roseville, Michigan Police Department is on the case! And I want to wish our dumbass better luck the next time he tries to adios himself to that big Dumbass Dungeon in the Sky.

They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?

OK, here we go again. Another “dumbass does stoopid shit to get girl’s attention and ends up looking like a bigger dumbass because he goes to jail” story. Let me splain.

There is this dumbass who lives in Roseville, Michigan with a lot of other dumbasses, but he stands head and shoulders above the other dumbasses. How do I know that? This is how I know…the dumbass faked his own kidnapping just to get the attention of a girl who turns out to be his ex-girlfriend! Folks, this is the kind of dumbassery that is so stoopid that it measures 6.5 on the Richter Scale. Lemme put this another way. If a horse was this stoopid, he’d be glue right now. Our dumbass, however, would be refused at the glue factory because he’s worthless, even as glue. So now it is your responsibility as a taxpayer to support his sorry ass for the next “X” number of years. We can only hope that, at the end of incarceration he has truly repented of his sins, is rehabilitated and is fit to join polite society again. In the meanwhile, I hope this dipshit, knuckle dragger gets his ass kicked every day for the duration of his prison term for pulling this little stunt. Oh…and don’t forget Leon “Hung Like A Horse” Williams, the Official Adopted Inmate of Dumbass News. Leon loves white meat. Leon says it tastes like chicken. Leon also doesn’t like it when pasty white sissy boys waste taxpayers money on elaborate pansy schemes to get the attention of a girl whose nicest words to you are, “Die in a fire, Asswipe”.

I was going to excerpt some of the story but, there’s not anything else that would add to this post, except this: “Deputies said the man told them he had been having suicidal thoughts and had previously attempted suicide. He was taken to a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation.” Well, I know that I feel beter. The Roseville, Michigan Police Department is on the case! And I want to wish our dumbass better luck the next time he tries to adios himself to that big Dumbass Dungeon in the Sky.

The Attack of The Lady Who Has to Pee

Assault Weapon and Dinner, too

For those of you who are newcomers to Dumbass News, you may not know that I am a fisherman and a damn good one, too. Fish.Fear.Me. So, when a story is Dumbass News- worthy, I jump on that sucker like a duck on a June bug. And guess what? I found a fishing story that is Dumbass News-worthy!

In the winter, many residents of the northern half of the country don’t let frozen streams and lakes deter them from getting in a little fishing. They just get an auger and drill a hole into the iced up body of water, drop a line in that sucker and get after it.  Such is the case of a woman and two men who were recently ice fishing. One of the Cardinal sins of fishing is to not invade another fisherman’s space by fishing in the immediate area he is fishing in or to fish too closely to him. It’s just common courtesy, but if that rule is broken, it could led to unpleasant  consequences like a shouting match, fisticuffs or worse. Like being assaulted with a trout. What???!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you fish too close to another fisherman, he/she just might slap you upside the head with a fish. Fishermen are a serious bunch about their fishing hole being intruded upon. For example, a lady in Michigan was ice fishing when she felt her fishing hole was intruded upon by two men. This is where the dumbassery begins. The lady walked over to the men and asked them to turn their heads while she tinkled on the ice. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go and when you’re fishing, the world is your outhouse. Not that I would personally know these things <coughbullshitcough>, but when Nature calls, you’ve got to do something. But, I digress. The lady tells these two guys she’s gotta pee. The guys turned around as the dumbass lady requested, then she goes full tilt boogie bat shit crazy and smacks the two guys about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of their bodies with a fish! I told you that fishermen are a serious bunch when it comes to “protecting” their fishing spot.

The cops were called and it was determined that the dumbass fishing lady was pissed off because, in her opinion, the two guys had put their shanty (portable ice fishing hut) too close to hers and she felt that a flagrant fishing felony was within the unwritten laws of fishing, so she bashed them with a bass. There’s a small matter that we haven’t discussed yet. We know that the two guys called the the fuzz and after being pummeled by a pissed off piscatorial perpetrator, these two dumbasses refused to press charges! Holy mackerel! What a couple of pansies.

I wanted to come up with a witty ending to this post, but I am drawing a blank. All I can say is that when you go fishing, be a good sport and don’t fish too close to the other guy. It’s really rude and
some folks, like the dumbass lady in the story, get a touch peeved when that happens. Besides, you never know if the other guy is packing a concealed catfish and he’s willing to use it. I’m just sayin’. Dumbasses.