Category: Minneapolis

Dumbass Steals Snowplow, Winter Hilarity Ensues

Many parts of the country, ranging from the Texas Panhandle to New England, are under the frigid grip of Old Man Winter. Last night as we here in Maine got the last flakes of about a foot of snow, people in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas were under a Blizzard Warning. As a side note, the Blizzard Warning was issued for Lubbock, Texas (Home of Some of the Finest Nekkid House Cleaning in the World) when the temperature was sixty-nine degrees outside! Welcome to Texas weather in the late winter.

As you know, the Upper Midwest has also been slammed by some wicked winter weather, thus keeping many Midwesterners inside. Many, but not all.

Leroy Duane Woodbeck of St. Paul, Minny-soda is a prime example of “many, but not all”.

Cold Outside, Warm Inside

There’s an old saying that goes something like this: “if it’s so cold outside that your nut sack will freeze solid then without notice separate itself from its rightful place on your body, then it’s too damn cold to be outdoors”. OK, I admit that I just made that up, but it’s the truth. Frozen gazebos = too fucking cold.

Leroy

This is a saying that Leroy Duane Woodbeck obviously has never heard of. Today, I bet he wishes he had.

Let me splain.

A-Plowing We Will Go 

Leroy, like hundreds of thousands of other Minny-soda-sippers, became bored from cabin fever due to the inclement winter weather. Unlike other Minny-soda-sippers, however, Leroy devised a plan to alleviate his boredom.

He decided to steal a snowplow!

While this is a worthy endeavor in order to create some excitement in one’s life during tedious times, it is not what one might call exactly “legal”. One might however refer to it as a “felony”.

Anyway, Leroy pilfers the plow and goes on about his criminal bidness for a while. By “for a while” I mean until he managed to get the snowplow stuck! It was at this point that Leroy did what any Dumbass who had just committed a major felony would do. He went from door to door asking neighborhood residents for assistance. One guy even offered to call a tow truck so Leroy could get his plow truck out of the snow. Leroy politely declined the generous offer.

By this time, the Police had received word of the snowplow theft and were on the lookout for it. They found it. But Leroy had arleady split the scene.

After some outstanding detective work, and the fact that there were footprints in the snow leading straight to the culprit, Leroy was arrested and now faces some serious jail time.

Dumbass Observations

  1. When there is a shit ton of snow on the ground there are very few legitimate reasons to be outside. Being a Dumbass isn’t one of them.
  2. If you’re a Dumbass, leaving the cozy confines of your Mother’s basement to go play in the snow is probably a bad idea. 
  3. Leaving the cozy confines of Mom’s basement to commit a felony is an even worse idea.
  4. If you must commit a felony in the winter time, remember that when you walk in snow you leave behind footprints!
  5. GTS (Grand Theft Snowplow) is something best left to professional snowplow thieves.
  6. Do not eat the yellow snow.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Michael***

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Organic Dumbass Romance

The internet has had an amazing effects on today’s society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today’s post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online. 

Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for almost five years and everything is great.

In spite of the fact that the internet has changed, or added to, the way things are done, the old fashion meet and greet of the real world still is the way to go for most people. Most single people prefer the old fashioned way to seek a mate…face to face. And one of the staples of finding a partner is till going strong. I am talking of meeting in a supermarket. Nothing says I love you like when two people reach for the same cumquat, touch hands and feel the sparks between each other.

But some dumbasses go to specialty grocery stores to meet and seek love over the tofu. Rainbow Foods of Minneapolis, Minny-sota is a trend setter when it comes to such encounters. Should we call thee knot heads Organic Dumbasses? I dunno. A spokes-organic dumbass for the grocery retailer explains, “Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that’s not intimidating.” Here’s some more organic dumbassery for you, “said co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they “know that (others) share some values … whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals.”

Tofu or Not Tofu, That Is the Question

I can see it now. Two  organic dumbasses are admiring the bean sprouts when one of them says, “Nice global warming we’re having today”.

Then the other organic dumbass responds, “Yes, it is. The Polar Ice Caps are melting at an alarming rate and soon sea levels will rise by 20 feet! How about you and I go for a latte sometime?” If I weren’t busy heaving up breakfast, I’d find that type of meeting as Gaia-inspired.

The conversation continues, “I hope these bean sprouts are from free range beans. I could never forgive myself if they weren’t.”

The response, “Ooooh, baby, you really curdle my soy milk when you talk like that. Let’s live in sin together!” An organic dumbass romance is born.

Kiss My Organic Ass

I don’t want to rag people because they share the same interests like global warming and tofu…as a matter of fact, I DO want to rag on them because they are organic dumbasses! On top of that, they are generally a bunch of condescending assholes who think they are better than their non-organic dumbass friends. So Gaia damn them all!

And kiss my organic ass.

Organic dumbasses.

Car Thief to Cops: "You Can’t Arrest Me for GTA. This Car is Already Stolen!"

Taking a Bite Out of Crime

As I have stated several times in the past, I am a reality TV nut. You name the show. “Operation Repo”, “Lizard Lick”, “Dance Moms” (this one is frakkin’ hilarious) or all the Police-type reality shows. “Bait Car” comes to mind.

Have you ever seen “Bait Car”? The premise is actually very simple. The local cops place a “bait car” in a high crime area of town, stage the “arrest” of an undercover cop and leave the car, with the keys in it, on the side of the street where unsavory looking characters mull about drinkin’ 40s and singing rap tunes. Eventually one of the bad guys will say something like, “Hey,Nigga, Imo steal a cah, Nigga!” Meanwhile, the car is loaded with all sorts of high tech gizmos like mics and cameras. The dumbass who swipes the car is then video taped as he commits the crime and is soon pulled over by the heat, arrested, tried and convicted then sent the state pen where he becomes a whiny pussy prison bitch.

Real Life “Bait Car”

As you can imagine, the excuses for stealing cars are many and varied. “I was just taking the car around the corner, Officer.” Or, “It belongs to my friend” and other stoopid shit. Needless to say, when the car thieves find out they have stolen a bait car they either say “I’m sorry” or shit their pants. Usually shit their pants.

Today’s dumbass takes Grand Theft Auto to new lows.

The Police in Minny Apple O’lis, Minny Soda set up their own “Bait Car” sting to nab some of the city’s bad guys and wanna-be rappers and remove them from polite society. Cops hate car thieves, but they really hate rap music. A rapping car thief is dead meat. Anyway, some dumbass fell for the ol’ bait car trick and was quickly pulled over by the cops. The police then explained to the suspect that the car he had taken belonged to the City of Minny Apple O’lis. Thinking quickly, the guy then informed the law that they couldn’t arrest him because the car was already stolen! As proof the bad guy showed the police that the steering column had been “peeled”.

Let me get this straight. The dumbass claims that stealing a stolen car is not a crime. What. The. Fuck. Let us for a moment put aside the thought that the car Joe (the car thief) took was a bait car and property of the MPD. Stealing stolen goods is not a crime? I suppose if I were to knowingly buy a hot TV from a guy who sells merchandise from the trunk of his car that I could just tell the fuzz that it’s not my fault, the TV was hot anyway. I am 100% certain that the Augusta, Maine Police Department would fail to see the logic in my statement and take me directly to the Kennebec County Crossbar Hilton.

A Product of Public Schools

As you can see by the subtitle above, I was gonna blame the Minny Apple O’lis School District for not properly educating this young man. But I can’t do that. While writing the last sentence, I came to the inescapable conclusion that if Joe’s brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose. The guy’s a dumbass! Funny, but he’s still a dumbass. And “funny” does not keep a GTA Guy out of jail.

After several hours of uproarious laughter, the cops regained their composure and took Joe and an accomplice on a nice ride to the city slammer where he’s busily taking it up the ole poop chute in preparation for a lengthy vacation in the Big House. As they say, luck favors a prepared mind. Or in Joe’s case, rectum.

Dumbass.

Organic Dumbasses Find Love in the Veggie Burger Section

The internet has had an amazing effects on today’s society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today’s post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online. Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for almost five years and everything is great. In spite of the fact that the internet has changed, or added to, the way things are done, the old fashion meet and greet of the real world still is the way to go for most people. Most single people prefer the old fashioned way to seek a mate…face to face. And one of the staples of finding a partner is till going strong. I am talking of meeting in a supermarket. Nothing says I love you like when two people reach for the same cumquat, touch hands and feel the sparks between each other.

But some dumbasses go to specialty grocery stores to meet and seek love over the tofu. Rainbow Foods of Minneapolis, Minny-sota is a trend setter when it comes to such encounters. Should we call thee knot heads Organic Dumbasses? I dunno. A spokes-organic dumbass for the grocery retailer explains, “Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that’s not intimidating.” Here’s some more organic dumbassery for you, “said co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they “know that (others) share some values … whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals.” I can see it now. Two  organic dumbasses are admiring the bean sprouts when one of them says, “Nice global warming we’re having today”. then the other organic dumbass responds, “Yes, it is. The Polar Ice Caps are melting at an alarming rate and soon sea levels will rise by 20 feet! How about you and I go for a latte sometime?” If I weren’t busy heaving up breakfast, I’d find that type of meeting as Gaia-inspired. The conversation continues, “I hope these bean sprouts are from free range beans. I could never forgive myself if they weren’t.” The response, “Ooooh, baby, you really curdle my soy milk when you talk like that. Let’s live in sin together!” An organic dumbass romance is born.

I don’t want to rag people because they share the same interests like global warming and tofu…as a matter of fact, I DO want to rag on them because they are organic dumbasses! On top of that, they are generally a bunch of condescending assholes who think they are better than their non-organic dumbass friends. So Gaia damn them all! Organic dumbasses.