Category: Minnesota

Dumbass Steals Snowplow, Winter Hilarity Ensues

Many parts of the country, ranging from the Texas Panhandle to New England, are under the frigid grip of Old Man Winter. Last night as we here in Maine got the last flakes of about a foot of snow, people in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas were under a Blizzard Warning. As a side note, the Blizzard Warning was issued for Lubbock, Texas (Home of Some of the Finest Nekkid House Cleaning in the World) when the temperature was sixty-nine degrees outside! Welcome to Texas weather in the late winter.

As you know, the Upper Midwest has also been slammed by some wicked winter weather, thus keeping many Midwesterners inside. Many, but not all.

Leroy Duane Woodbeck of St. Paul, Minny-soda is a prime example of “many, but not all”.

Cold Outside, Warm Inside

There’s an old saying that goes something like this: “if it’s so cold outside that your nut sack will freeze solid then without notice separate itself from its rightful place on your body, then it’s too damn cold to be outdoors”. OK, I admit that I just made that up, but it’s the truth. Frozen gazebos = too fucking cold.

Leroy

This is a saying that Leroy Duane Woodbeck obviously has never heard of. Today, I bet he wishes he had.

Let me splain.

A-Plowing We Will Go 

Leroy, like hundreds of thousands of other Minny-soda-sippers, became bored from cabin fever due to the inclement winter weather. Unlike other Minny-soda-sippers, however, Leroy devised a plan to alleviate his boredom.

He decided to steal a snowplow!

While this is a worthy endeavor in order to create some excitement in one’s life during tedious times, it is not what one might call exactly “legal”. One might however refer to it as a “felony”.

Anyway, Leroy pilfers the plow and goes on about his criminal bidness for a while. By “for a while” I mean until he managed to get the snowplow stuck! It was at this point that Leroy did what any Dumbass who had just committed a major felony would do. He went from door to door asking neighborhood residents for assistance. One guy even offered to call a tow truck so Leroy could get his plow truck out of the snow. Leroy politely declined the generous offer.

By this time, the Police had received word of the snowplow theft and were on the lookout for it. They found it. But Leroy had arleady split the scene.

After some outstanding detective work, and the fact that there were footprints in the snow leading straight to the culprit, Leroy was arrested and now faces some serious jail time.

Dumbass Observations

  1. When there is a shit ton of snow on the ground there are very few legitimate reasons to be outside. Being a Dumbass isn’t one of them.
  2. If you’re a Dumbass, leaving the cozy confines of your Mother’s basement to go play in the snow is probably a bad idea. 
  3. Leaving the cozy confines of Mom’s basement to commit a felony is an even worse idea.
  4. If you must commit a felony in the winter time, remember that when you walk in snow you leave behind footprints!
  5. GTS (Grand Theft Snowplow) is something best left to professional snowplow thieves.
  6. Do not eat the yellow snow.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Michael***

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Porn Stars at the Prom! Almost.

Evil

Best of Dumbass News

 
The Senior Prom. Although mine was several light years ago, I can still see my date looking so beautiful in her blue dress and I looked like a damned fool wearing that fucking monkey suit. But the memories remain as vivid as they were almost forty years ago. Oh, what a night.

At some high schools around the country it’s prom time as I type this. Young men are busily planning a special night for their dates – a nice supper, corsages, limos and condoms. That’s an awful lot of cheese to cut just hoping to get laid. But such is the life of the young – and horny.

Getting a Date

The most difficult and nerve-wracking part of going to the prom is finding a chick that’s desperate to go with a Dumbass. By the time the young Dumbass gets the balls to ask some girl to go, he’s scraping the bottom of the barrel. All the lookers have been claimed by the football players. The only girls left for the Dumbasses are the girls who “have nice personalities”. If the Dumbass is lucky, she’ll have big hooters and have the fire down below, IYKWIMAITYD.

There are exceptions to this rule, of course. One kid in Oakdale, Minnesota came up with an absolutely outstanding solution to being a Dumbass stuck with a prom date with a “nice personality”. He sent out Twitter messages to porn stars inviting them to be his prom date. And two of them accepted! Talk about a stroke (pun intended) of genius! And the power of Twitter! Damn, this kid, Mike Stone, is smooooooth. Not only are his dates ready for action, he won’t even have to take them to supper. Just think how much money the lad is saving. And it’s a cinch that he’ll “get some.” From a porn star no less!

Mike Stone is my hero.

Not So Fast

Dream Crusher***

Naturally, like every fairy tale story, there’s a wicked witch in this one too. Her name is Patty “Dream Crusher” Phillips. Dream Crusher is the Head Honcho at the Oakdale School District. She has thrown a monkey wrench the size of The Twin Cities into the works and it doesn’t look good for Mike.

Dream Crusher says that any guest at the prom that isn’t a student of the school district will have to be approved by school district officials, so the porn stars (and Mike Stone) are left out in the cold.

I don’t get it. Just because some chick makes an honest living by having sex with dozens of men and has the unmitigated gall to film it and sell it to willing adults, suddenly she’s not worthy of attending a High School prom. What. The. Fuck. Do those same rules apply to cheerleaders? Or the school slut? I mean, c’mon, Crusher!

What I Think

If only students can attend the prom, then I have a solution to Mike’s problem. My guess, and it’s only speculation on my part, is that these porn stars don’t have high school diplomas. I think they should get them ASAP. So, enroll them in the Oakdale School District! Instant student hood! The two professional sluts can now go to the prom with Mike! Let’s see Dream Crusher Phillips get past that! 

This is why I am your Fearless Leader. I see a problem and attack it like a pit bull after a T-bone. I am relentless in pursuing a solution to the travails facing a fellow Dumbass. Especially an up and coming Young Dumbass like Mike Stone.

If this plan doesn’t work, then I suggest that Mike piss in the punch and let the drinker beware.

It makes me proud and brings a tear to my eye to call a fine young man, Mike Stone, a…

…Dumbass. <sniffle>

***Thanks to Bones for finding the photo!***

Organic Dumbass Romance

The internet has had an amazing effects on today’s society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today’s post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online. 

Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for almost five years and everything is great.

In spite of the fact that the internet has changed, or added to, the way things are done, the old fashion meet and greet of the real world still is the way to go for most people. Most single people prefer the old fashioned way to seek a mate…face to face. And one of the staples of finding a partner is till going strong. I am talking of meeting in a supermarket. Nothing says I love you like when two people reach for the same cumquat, touch hands and feel the sparks between each other.

But some dumbasses go to specialty grocery stores to meet and seek love over the tofu. Rainbow Foods of Minneapolis, Minny-sota is a trend setter when it comes to such encounters. Should we call thee knot heads Organic Dumbasses? I dunno. A spokes-organic dumbass for the grocery retailer explains, “Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that’s not intimidating.” Here’s some more organic dumbassery for you, “said co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they “know that (others) share some values … whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals.”

Tofu or Not Tofu, That Is the Question

I can see it now. Two  organic dumbasses are admiring the bean sprouts when one of them says, “Nice global warming we’re having today”.

Then the other organic dumbass responds, “Yes, it is. The Polar Ice Caps are melting at an alarming rate and soon sea levels will rise by 20 feet! How about you and I go for a latte sometime?” If I weren’t busy heaving up breakfast, I’d find that type of meeting as Gaia-inspired.

The conversation continues, “I hope these bean sprouts are from free range beans. I could never forgive myself if they weren’t.”

The response, “Ooooh, baby, you really curdle my soy milk when you talk like that. Let’s live in sin together!” An organic dumbass romance is born.

Kiss My Organic Ass

I don’t want to rag people because they share the same interests like global warming and tofu…as a matter of fact, I DO want to rag on them because they are organic dumbasses! On top of that, they are generally a bunch of condescending assholes who think they are better than their non-organic dumbass friends. So Gaia damn them all!

And kiss my organic ass.

Organic dumbasses.

Car Thief to Cops: "You Can’t Arrest Me for GTA. This Car is Already Stolen!"

Taking a Bite Out of Crime

As I have stated several times in the past, I am a reality TV nut. You name the show. “Operation Repo”, “Lizard Lick”, “Dance Moms” (this one is frakkin’ hilarious) or all the Police-type reality shows. “Bait Car” comes to mind.

Have you ever seen “Bait Car”? The premise is actually very simple. The local cops place a “bait car” in a high crime area of town, stage the “arrest” of an undercover cop and leave the car, with the keys in it, on the side of the street where unsavory looking characters mull about drinkin’ 40s and singing rap tunes. Eventually one of the bad guys will say something like, “Hey,Nigga, Imo steal a cah, Nigga!” Meanwhile, the car is loaded with all sorts of high tech gizmos like mics and cameras. The dumbass who swipes the car is then video taped as he commits the crime and is soon pulled over by the heat, arrested, tried and convicted then sent the state pen where he becomes a whiny pussy prison bitch.

Real Life “Bait Car”

As you can imagine, the excuses for stealing cars are many and varied. “I was just taking the car around the corner, Officer.” Or, “It belongs to my friend” and other stoopid shit. Needless to say, when the car thieves find out they have stolen a bait car they either say “I’m sorry” or shit their pants. Usually shit their pants.

Today’s dumbass takes Grand Theft Auto to new lows.

The Police in Minny Apple O’lis, Minny Soda set up their own “Bait Car” sting to nab some of the city’s bad guys and wanna-be rappers and remove them from polite society. Cops hate car thieves, but they really hate rap music. A rapping car thief is dead meat. Anyway, some dumbass fell for the ol’ bait car trick and was quickly pulled over by the cops. The police then explained to the suspect that the car he had taken belonged to the City of Minny Apple O’lis. Thinking quickly, the guy then informed the law that they couldn’t arrest him because the car was already stolen! As proof the bad guy showed the police that the steering column had been “peeled”.

Let me get this straight. The dumbass claims that stealing a stolen car is not a crime. What. The. Fuck. Let us for a moment put aside the thought that the car Joe (the car thief) took was a bait car and property of the MPD. Stealing stolen goods is not a crime? I suppose if I were to knowingly buy a hot TV from a guy who sells merchandise from the trunk of his car that I could just tell the fuzz that it’s not my fault, the TV was hot anyway. I am 100% certain that the Augusta, Maine Police Department would fail to see the logic in my statement and take me directly to the Kennebec County Crossbar Hilton.

A Product of Public Schools

As you can see by the subtitle above, I was gonna blame the Minny Apple O’lis School District for not properly educating this young man. But I can’t do that. While writing the last sentence, I came to the inescapable conclusion that if Joe’s brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose. The guy’s a dumbass! Funny, but he’s still a dumbass. And “funny” does not keep a GTA Guy out of jail.

After several hours of uproarious laughter, the cops regained their composure and took Joe and an accomplice on a nice ride to the city slammer where he’s busily taking it up the ole poop chute in preparation for a lengthy vacation in the Big House. As they say, luck favors a prepared mind. Or in Joe’s case, rectum.

Dumbass.

Porn Stars Accept Invite to Prom! Satan Intervenes

Evil

The Senior Prom. Although mine was several light years ago, I can still see my date looking so beautiful in her blue dress and I looked like a damned fool wearing that fucking monkey suit. But the memories remain as vivid as they were almost forty years ago. Oh, what a night.

At some high schools around the country it’s prom time as I type this. Young men are busily planning a special night for their dates – a nice supper, corsages, limos and condoms. That’s an awful lot of cheese to cut just hoping to get laid. But such is the life of the young – and horny.

Getting a Date

The most difficult and nerve-wracking part of going to the prom is finding a chick that’s desperate to go with a Dumbass. By the time the young Dumbass gets the balls to ask some girl to go, he’s scraping the bottom of the barrel. All the lookers have been claimed by the football players. The only girls left for the Dumbasses are the girls who “have nice personalities”. If the Dumbass is lucky, she’ll have big hooters and have the fire down below, IYKWIMAITYD.

There are exceptions to this rule, of course. One kid in Oakdale, Minnesota came up with an absolutely outstanding solution to being a Dumbass stuck with a prom date with a “nice personality”. He sent out Twitter messages to porn stars inviting them to be his prom date. And two of them accepted! Talk about a stroke (pun intended) of genius! And the power of Twitter! Damn, this kid, Mike Stone, is smooooooth. Not only are his dates ready for action, he won’t even have to take them to supper. Just think how much money the lad is saving. And it’s a cinch that he’ll “get some.” From a porn star no less!

Mike Stone is my hero.

Not So Fast

Dream Crusher***

Naturally, like every fairy tale story, there’s a wicked witch in this one too. Her name is Patty “Dream Crusher” Phillips. Dream Crusher is the Head Honcho at the Oakdale School District. She has thrown a monkey wrench the size of The Twin Cities into the works and it doesn’t look good for Mike.

Dream Crusher says that any guest at the prom that isn’t a student of the school district will have to be approved by school district officials, so the porn stars (and Mike Stone) are left out in the cold.

I don’t get it. Just because some chick makes an honest living by having sex with dozens of men and has the unmitigated gall to film it and sell it to willing adults, suddenly she’s not worthy of attending a High School prom. What. The. Fuck. Do those same rules apply to cheerleaders? Or the school slut? I mean, c’mon, Crusher!

What I Think

If only students can attend the prom, then I have a solution to Mike’s problem. My guess, and it’s only speculation on my part, is that these porn stars don’t have high school diplomas. I think they should get them ASAP. So, enroll them in the Oakdale School District! Instant student hood! The two professional sluts can now go to the prom with Mike! Let’s see Dream Crusher Phillips get past that! 

This is why I am your Fearless Leader. I see a problem and attack it like a pit bull after a T-bone. I am relentless in pursuing a solution to the travails facing a fellow Dumbass. Especially an up and coming Young Dumbass like Mike Stone.

If this plan doesn’t work, then I suggest that Mike piss in the punch and let the drinker beware.

It makes me proud and brings a tear to my eye to call a fine young man, Mike Stone, a…

…Dumbass. <sniffle>

***Thanks to Bones for finding the photo!***

Dumbass Young Men and Cattle – A Love Story

I don’t make a practice of naming young people (teens) as Dumbass of the Day, but these two teen agers in Minnesota have earned the right to be named as such. You’ll see why.

It’s winter time in much of the northern half of the country and with the requisite snow that comes with it, folks can get mighty bored. You know the old saying, idle hands are the devil’s workshop. The Upper Midwest was blasted by a blizzard a few days ago and two teens in Stearns County, Minnesota got real bored real quick. These two young dumbasses didn’t just sit around moping and bitchin’ and moanin’, no siree, Bob, these two young dipshits spent their idle time creating a business plan, and you gotta give them credit for being creative. Criminally creative, but creative nonetheless. Our junior dumbasses wanted to start their own farm and dairy business, a noble goal if gone about it in the right way. Therein lies the catch.

Eager to get a head start on their operations, our two young dumbasses went out and got seventeen calves…from other people’s barns! I don’t no how they rectify cattle theft in Minnesota, but in Texas these two stoopid fucks would have been dealt with quickly and severely. Just for the record, one of these idiots is 19, so he’s a Prison Bitch in Waiting as we speak. The other kid is 16, so his Prison Bitchness is yet to be determined. Here’s a piece of advice for the 19 year old dumbass, practice squealing like a pig. Audio-visual aids can be found in a movie called Deliverance. I’m sure Netflix has it for rental.

However, it looks like the closest our young dumbasses will come to a dairy farm is when they have “close encounters” with Leon “Hung Like a Bull” Williams at the Minnesota State Penetentiary. Have fun, boys! And say howdy to Leon for us. Dumbasses.

Moooovin’ Up In Minnesota

Dumbass Jail Bait

I don’t make a practice of naming young people (teens) as Dumbass of the Day, but these two teen agers in Minnesota have earned the right to be named as such. You’ll see why.

It’s winter time in much of the northern half of the country and with the requisite snow that comes with it, folks can get mighty bored. You know the old saying, idle hands are the devil’s workshop. The Upper Midwest was blasted by a blizzard a few days ago and two teens in Stearns County, Minnesota got real bored real quick. These two young dumbasses didn’t just sit around moping and bitchin’ and moanin’, no siree, Bob, these two young dipshits spent their idle time creating a business plan, and you gotta give them credit for being creative. Criminally creative, but creative nonetheless. Our junior dumbasses wanted to start their own farm and dairy business, a noble goal if gone about it in the right way. Therein lies the catch.

Eager to get a head start on their operations, our two young dumbasses went out and got seventeen calves…from other people’s barns! I don’t no how they rectify cattle theft in Minnesota, but in Texas these two stoopid fucks would have been dealt with quickly and severely. Just for the record, one of these idiots is 19, so he’s a Prison Bitch in Waiting as we speak. The other kid is 16, so his Prison Bitchness is yet to be determined. Here’s a piece of advice for the 19 year old dumbass, practice squealing like a pig. Audio-visual aids can be found in a movie called Deliverance. I’m sure Netflix has it for rental.

However, it looks like the closest our young dumbasses will come to a dairy farm is when they have “close encounters” with Leon “Hung Like a Bull” Williams at the Minnesota State Penetentiary. Have fun, boys! And say howdy to Leon for us. Dumbasses.