|Not Anymore. Dammit.|
The week that we are ending today has been a memorable one.
It all started for me during the National Football League Playoffs last Sunday. Needless to say, from my perspective, starting about 4PM EST, things sucked from that moment on. A little while after four, the Divisional Playoff game between the San Francisco Ballerinas and Nawlins Saints. The Pansies won and the Coon Asses headed back to the Big Easy. Dammit. Things did not get any better from there for me.
My favorite NFL team of over 50 years, the Green Bay Packers, were next to make me wanna barf when they lost to the New York Mannings. In Green Bay no less! What.The.Hell. I remain in shock. How could the defending Super Bowl Champs lose to a team that squeaked into the playoffs beat creaming the Dallas Rhinestone Cowboys in the last game of the regular season! I mean for Vince Lombardi’s sake, the Pack was 15 – 1 during the regular season and the Mannings finished at 9 – 7 by virtue of their win over Dallas. That’s SIX game spread! In lieu of this upset, I am still boycotting all cheese from Wisconsin. Until I make a double decker Toby Burger later today, protest be damned!
To top off the whole disastrous week, my wife and/or one or both of my little girls have been sick all week. Actually this is about the third week that Heather and Issy have been on again off again ill. Heather and Issy Woo Woo are still under the weather. Whatever it is that’s kickin’ their asses will not go the hell away! Now I wear the “I’m Next to Contract the Super Crud” bull’s eye on my back. Oh, the joy! Dammit. Again.
Even though this week sucked swamp donkey gazebos for my family and me (and my beloved Packers), the dumbassery we displayed in our posts was at a very high level, with each day presenting a tough act to follow for the next day’s story. It wasn’t easy, but through hard work, determination and cheating, we did it.
- On Monday, we paid tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Also on Monday, I had a dream! A dream of eliminating terrorists in a most unusual way. Penis cancer!
- I have posted several stories about dwarf tossing on Dumbass News, but the one we had up on Tuesday had a bit of a twist to it. Ambush Dwarf Tossing!
- Some weenie at a fitness club in Cal-ee-forn-ya was mortified, mortified, I tell you at posters in the club that featured young, pretty fit women in minimal clothing. BTW…his name is “Twinkletoes”, IYKWIMAITYD.
That’s an All Pro lineup of Dumbassery if I’ve ever seen one. Of course I said the same thing about the Green Bay Packers and the Nawlins Saints last Sunday and look how that worked out. Both teams got their asses handed to them by inferior teams. On any given Sunday, I suppose. Dammit.
Today we celebrate the birth of a great American – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Dr. King was the most preeminent and influential civil rights leader in the history of the United States, preaching non-violence and civil disobedience to help achieve his goal of “black children playing with white children”.
In Augusta, 1963, one month shy of my 7th birthday, Martin Luther King, Jr. gave one of the most famous, important and stirring speeches in the history of the world, not just this country. His words ring as true today as they did on that sweltering summer night in Washington, DC almost 50 years ago.
If it has been a while since you’ve heard the “I Have a Dream” speech from Dr. King, please take the less than eighteen minutes it runs to remember the reason we honor this man of humble beginnings as one of the most important men in the history of the United States.
The Dream Lives
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr…even though he was killed on April 4, 1968, he’s still making dumbasses out of bigots everywhere through his message of racial equality for all Americans.
I Ain’t as Nice as Dr. King
While I am very in tune with Dr. King and his vision of equality for all citizens of the US, I am not nearly so tolerant of other kinds of bigots, like, let’s say, um Moose Limb terrorists. I’m not certain how the Good Doctor would suggest that we deal with these lovers of goats and mules, but I am quite sure that Dr. King wouldn’t recommend The Dumbass Way of Sending Terrorists to Their 72 Virgins, which on the other hand I heartily endorse. I suppose that two great men of vision such as MLK and I are bound to disagree when it comes to turning another human bean into a pile of smoldering internal organs. He would undoubtedly say ‘no”, I say, “Blow the goat fuckers to Kingdom Come and let the Almighty sort ’em out.” but, that’s just how I roll.
My Idea to End the War on Terror – Penis Cancer!
Repost from 12/4/11
A recent story published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has inadvertently given us the weapon we need to effectively end the war on terror! We, the USA, have spent hundreds of billions of dollars on weapons systems so technologically advanced that we were blinded by the obvious. Animals. Yes, those animals. Let me splain.
The Splainin’ Part
The JSM released the results of recent study that concluded that men who have sex with animals (yes, those animals) are twice as likely as men who don’t boff our furry friends to get penis cancer. Until I read this article, I had never heard of cancer of the weenie. Gazebo cancer, sure, but never cancer of Mr. Willy. The Huffington Post ran the story in more detail, but I don’t care about that shit. But I will pull a couple of quotes from it in a bit. First, as you can imagine, I have some questions about this study. Who the hell would even think of doing such a study? Some dumbass Brazilian doctor that’s who. Brazilians are sick bastards sure, but a study about slippin’ the sausage to cocker spaniels? That’s just fucking wrong. In order to conduct this study, Dr. Zequi (the Head Man Fucking Animal Observer) needed funding from somewhere. But from where? Private donations? Taxpayers? Gubmint grants? can and bottle deposits? Inquiring dumbasses want to know dammit! Now to the perhaps the most obvious and important question regarding screwing beasts of burden. Actually, it’s a two parted entreaty. Part 1: What in the name of all that is Holy would give somebody the idea to study men critter-boinking aardvarks? Was Dr. Z sound asleep one night and suddenly leap out of bed and shout, “Eureka! For my next project I am going to do a study on human-animal sex and the possibility that it could cause cancer of the schlong!”
Part 2: Where did the good doctor find volunteers for this idiocy? San Francisco? Prison? The Home for the Criminally Insane? PETA? It couldn’t have been an easy task to find men willing to go through with it. Except in San Francisco.
Concerned citizens were very active in giving advice to animal pokin’ men. Take, for instance, a HuffPo reader that is all about mad monkey sex…literally. Here’s a portion of his email to HuffnPuff “A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals. She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. “They might become more cautious,” said Sallie Graves, “but they wouldn’t change their nature.” That’s your typical PuffHo patron right there, folks. I would throw caution into the wind and bet a dollar to a donut that this particular emailer will not be voting Republican in the next presidential election. I have a real good joke to insert here but it’s pretty out there, so I’ll just give you a hint about it instead. Zoophilia, Obama, the First Wookie. I’m just sayin’.
War on Terror
I started this post off with a deal to end the war on terror. I have expertly lead you this far to get the answer with my unassailable logic and reasoning and because you are dumbass enough to read this far. Anyway…Through anecdotal evidence, we have learned that terrorists are very “friendly” with their farm animals. I have actually seen a video from an American fighter jet on a sortee to bomb the shit out of the bad guys one night and through their FLIR (Forward Looking Infrared Radar) camera they caught a bad guy getting penis cancer from a donkey! If you know what I mean and I think you do. So the end of the War on Terror would come about in no time if we just dropped millions of packets of Viagra to the Splodey Dopes. They take the tool hardener and all of the sudden old Bessie the milk cow is lookin’ pretty. Damn. Good. A romantic evening ensues, the dirty deed is dine and the dumbass bad guy has dick cancer! Soon, his willie will fall off, he’ll die a slow, painful, miserable death and Satan will welcome him to his 72
raisins virgins. Is that a brilliant plan or what?
There is one slight problem with my plan to win the War on Terror, however. A survey of horny Iranian men concluded that out of every ten, only two preferred women. Camels beware!