I started Dumbass News on September 19, 2010. Since that time we have gone from a handful of my friends and family as readers and a few pageviews, to readers in 141 countries around the world and hundreds of pageviews a day, over 77,000 total.
It has been an amazing ride.
I wanted to fill in our newer readers on why I began to chronicle Dumbassery and what this blog is all about., and since the blog archives are No Man’s Land for many readers, I decided to re-publish the first post ever on Dumbass News. It will give the new folks a feel for what we are all about and what it means to be a Dumbass. But, you already know what it means to be a Dumbass because you are reading this shit! bwahahahahahaha The joke’s on you, Dumbass!
If you have any questions about Dumbass News or for me personally, ask them in the comment section or email me at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com and I’ll get back to you ASAP. Or whenever I get finished with my coloring book. I’m just sayin’
|The Dumbass Creed|
Welcome to the Grand Opening of Dumbass News! Here, we bring you real news from real dumbasses. Now, two things will come of the fact that you are here right now. The obvious reason is that you are a glutton for punishment, you know, a real dumbass. The other is reason is manifold, actually – several “sub-reasons” as it were. Those sub-reasons include, but are not limited to: typo’s. You made a typo in the URL you were looking for. Instead of “busty Asian women looking for dumbass American”, you inadvertently typed in “I have too much time on my hands” and ended up at this site. That’s a common mistake made by millions of Dumbass-Americans, an ethnicity that has yet to be recognized by the guys at the Treasury Department as a socio-economic group worthy of listing on the census. As a Dumbass-American, I find this sort of discrimination not only an outrage, but offensive to at least 52% of Americans eighteen or older. For the sake of clarity, we’ll call these 52%ers “Liberals” or, if you prefer, “Obama voters”. But, I digress. Another reason that you are reading this blog at this moment, is that you are drunk on cheap beer. That happens. Next on our list of reasons is you pressed “1” for English in place of “marque el dos for Espanol”. Now that I think about it, if you have read this far into this post, no matter the language, you are beyond being a dumbass and need to seek psychiatric help at once.
Here’s the deal: I created this site to make you feel better about yourself. Seriously. I am gonna post some shit on here that’s so stupid, you’ll feel like you hit the MegaBucks jackpot three times in a row or you’ll find religion in a hurry. The Germans have a word for relishing in someone else’s misfortune, schadenfreude, which roughly translates to “I don’t feel so bad anymore that my house and car have been repo’ed and my wife ran off with a guy that looks like Justin Bieber”.
Here’s the deal, too: I will make fun of anybody, anytime with the exception of my Mother and Merle Haggard. That’s the way I roll.
UPDATE: Add the Pope and Billy Graham to the list.
Here’s the deal, III: I will use language that people in “Polite Society” wouldn’t dream of using. If “colorful metaphors” offend you, too damn bad. I WILL NOT use the Lord’s name in vain as I understand it, meaning the GD word, unless it is a direct quote from a story I write about and is absolutely necessary to the plot. Otherwise, I have given the Good Lord plenty to be mad at me about and I ain’t gonna add that to the list.
Here’s the deal, part cuatro: I welcome and encourage your participation in this endeavor of mine. Please feel free to comment anytime! I think the more we interact with one another, the better. It bonds us together as an online community and each of us could, perhaps learn something from someone else. Or not. We are dumbasses, after all. Bring the funny but leave stuff like threats of violence at the door. Use your common sense.
Here’s the end: I plan on having fun with this forum and I hope you do, too. I mean, what kind of world would it be if a group of dumbasses can’t get together and have fellowship? I don’t want to even think of such a thing. It sounds too much like the poor Chinese dumbasses being oppressed by the Red Chinese Communist Party Apparatus. Poor bastards. Thank heaven we live in a country where dumbasses have the same rights as morons and idiots or, as I refer to them, Liberals. 🙂
P.S. Please tell other Dumbasses you know that they have a blog just for them! Dumbass News!
What you are about to witness on this blog is to go no further than your own set of eyes. It is imperative that you heed this warning. I will not be held responsible for your actions once you have visually and mentally consumed what you are about to observe on these very pixels. Kind of like Mission:Impossible, I will disavow any knowledge of you, your assignment or this post.
This blog will self-destruct in 1000 words.
The unthinkable is going to happen in front of your very eyes right now. I am about to…Gawd, do I dare say it???!!!…get serious! There! I done it! I actually wrote the dreaded S-word out loud! I shall now be cursed throught out my remaining years on this veil of tears by torments of Biblical proportions. Plagues of locusts. The Kennebec River turning into blood. My kids turning into Red Sox fans!
Oh, the humanity!
For Your Eyes Only
Even if the only words from this blog that you’ve ever read are the first few of this post, you know that I don’t take too much shit too seriously. Today, however, will be a little different. It is, after all, a very important day.
When reading them, those two words have a comforting “feel” to them, don’t they? Go ahead. Read ’em again. Mothers Day. See what I mean? Soft as cotton and cool as the other side of the pillow on a hot summer’s night.
Kind of like a Mom.
For Mom’s Eyes Only
I don’t want to get too sappy here, I have a reputation to live down to. But today is all about Moms – my Mom, your Mom, all God’s children’s Moms. We owe ’em a lot, you know.
Moms, you are the symbol of all that is right with world. The glue of society. The fabric of nations. The truly Chosen Ones .
You are confronted with not only your own set of challenges, but also with the myriad trials and tribulations from us, your children. You are our soft place to fall whether we are five months or five decades of age. You are there for us like the Sun in the Eastern sky every morning. Constant. Warm. Dependable. Unfailing.
We need you, Moms, like the rose needs the rain and the hungry man needs bread. You sustain us. You nourish us. You love us. Unconditionally. We simply cause you pain from the moment we breathe our first till the time you breathe your last.
I think we, the kids, get the better end of the deal.
The Toughest Job in the World is yours, yet somehow you find the strength, courage and determination to see it through until you are called on to make Heaven a better place.
It’s Your Day
So, Moms…..we, your sometimes seemingly ungrateful children, really aren’t ungrateful at all. We are just too stoopid to see what is right in front of our faces sometimes. We may on occasion take you for granted, but we never underestimate the impact that you have had on our lives since the day we were first swatted on the ass by the Doctor.
Nope. We ain’t ungrateful. Ever.
We are, however, Dumbasses. Always. And you still love us.
And we love you.
Happy Mothers Day from the Dumbass Horde.