A little over a week ago, my new neighbors became first time parents to a bouncin’ baby girl named Rachel. Rachel is a beautiful name and it certainly fits our newest tiny neighbor. She’s a cutie patootie.
This got me to thinking, which is not good for not only me but for the Country in general. Like the Three Stooges said, “Every time you think, you weaken the Nation”. That’s me. Anyway….Rachel’s arrival got me to thinking about what and why people name their kids what they do. For me, it’s easy. I am named after my Dad. Other parentssuch as celebrities, are not so, shall we say, “traditional”.
These Dumbasses hang handles on their kids that I wouldn’t put to a cur dawg. The most famous names of any celbrity’s kid in my lifetime are “Moon Unit” and “Dweezil”, offspring of the late Frank Zappa. Frank was a bit eccentric as you can see. The Zapster went on name another of his children “Diva Muffin”. Too much acid, Frank?
Fast Forward to the Present
Today’s rich and famous Dumbasses are trying very diligently to outdo the late Mr. Zappa when it comes to naming their kids. That’ll never happen, however. I mean, c’mon, the man named his children “Moon Unit” and “Dweezil” for God’s sake.
Gwenyth Paltrow named her little girl “Apple” and one of my favorite funny and tough guys, Bruce Willis has a daughter named “Rumor”. Odd, to be sure, but not exactly Space Cadet City – Like Jason Leigh’s kid, Kal-El. That’s Superman’s birth name by the way.
SoActors and singers are the only parents who go off the deep end when choosing a name for their kids. The guy next door ain’t exactly walking with both feet on the ground when he names his kid “ESPN Montana” after the sports network and Hall of Fame Quarterback Joe Montana. The boy goes by Montana.
I wrote a story quite some time ago about some foreign Dumbass naming his daughter “Facebook” for cryin’ out loud.
This link will take you to a list of 100 famous Dumbasses and the minikers they planted on their poor kids when the kid had no say in the matter
Like the South
Whatever happened to folks who named their kids after beloved relatives or Biblical figures like they do in the South? Names like Emily, Sarah, Jacob, Joshua, etc. or even the occasional Jim Bob or Billy Jack? Too many of today’s Dumbass parents name their kids shit like Heaven or Hezekiah Jupiter. Or names like Tamequa. I hate that fucking name and any name that sounds like it. Then there’s Shonte, Donte, Ronte, Tay tay...In the name of all that is Holy, stop it! I can’t take it anymore!
There. I feel better. Now I am off to call my son who is expecting the arrival of his first child, Reefer, in a few weeks.
I’m glad my kid is normal. Thanks, Zig Zag.