Category: Moonshine

Home Brewed Booze as a Bigfoot Tracking Tool

Fwench Woman on a Stroll

I need a day off. And since I am the boss and Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, I am gonna take one. I have some personal business to attend to today, so I dug up a post from a while back that thrilled Dumbasses around the with its insight and keen observations that is sure to excite the masses. I’ll be back tomorrow ith my usual Dumbass take on the world and the dumbasses who inhabit it.

Toby

Mankind has been in search of mythical creatures for hundreds of years. Sea monsters, the Loch Ness Monster and his American Cousin, Champ over in Vermont, the Chupacabra (Goat Sucker for all you Gringos out there) of South Texas, you name it, man has looked for it. One of the most enduring and endearing legends of dumbass looking “monsters” is that of Big Foot, Yeti or Sasquatch, depending on which culture you ask – Dumbass White Guy Culture, the Chinese or American Indians. each one has a stale of similar beasts roving the Northern Hemisphere from China to the Pacific Northwest of the USA.

Now some dumbass old man who has sought out Bigfoot for decades(!) has arranged another research expedition in search of my mother-in-law the legendary beast. This waste of hard earned cash, I mean, scientific exercise will take place in North Carolina. the main Expedition Dumbass Guy is Michael Greene who has said that his “previous encounters with Bigfoot — also known as Sasquatch and Yeti in the folklore of different cultures — include hearing the creature roar and capturing thermal imaging footage of a 7-foot-tall creature with no discernible neck…”. Where I come from we call these encounters being shitfaced drunk and/or married. But, I am a dumbass Redneck, so what do I know. I’ll tell you what I know! I know about being married as I have partaken of such on more than one occasion and I damn sure know about being shitfaced drunk. I must confess that I was much better at being shitfaced drunk than at being married. Anyway, our Bigfoot researcher, Brother Dumbass Greene has a plan that will with unquestioned certainty will finally prove the existence of this non-existent animal!

After reading that statement, you’d think that Brother Dumbass Greene had the most advanced technology available to men of his er, uh, “stature” in his quest for Bigfoot. But no!!! Here are Greene’s own words as stolen borrowed from the UPI story:

“Usually,” Greene said of his previous Bigfoot hunts, nothing at all happens. But you hear roaring in the bushes. They’ll pitch rocks into camp, but they never hit anybody. Greene said his team will try to root out the Sasquatch with low-tech methods such as banging on trees with baseball bats and leaving candy bars at their campsite.” In his statement, Greene left out the most powerful in his Bigfoot Searching Arsenal – moonshine! That will make something happen! Trust me on this one, folks. A couple of gizzard-warming shots of Mountain Dew will make you see Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, Jesus and all sorts of other creatures and apparitions. After due consideration, I have deemed this little junket a success no matter if Bigfoot is found or not. Smoky Moutain Soothin’ Syrup is guaranteed to make any critter-finding field trip worthwhile!

Besides the low-tech approach to this experiment, Brother Dumbass Greene has unwittingly added more tools to his baseball bats,candy bars and moonshine – hallucinations and nekkidness. A snort or two of Hillbilly Sody (spelling intentional) Water and Brother Dumbass Greene and his colleagues will be dancing around the camp fire buck ass nekkid singing the Best of Slim Whitman at the top of their lungs. I just hope that Bigfoot is a Slim Whitman fan, too. Happy hunting, Senor Greene!

Dumbass.

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Moonshine, Bigfoot, $25 Million and Hissing Cockroaches

Dumbass Colonoscopy

The World Serious is over and the St. Louis Cardinals are the World Champions for 2011. Congrats to the Cards and their fans. You guys had a magical season in 2011, especially from late August on. What your team accomplished is something extraordinary and you should cherish every single inning of it. St. Louis is a great baseball town and the fans are some of the most knowledgeable in the Majors. Keep in mind that Spring Training is just three and a half months away and every team in the National League will be gunning for the Champs in 2012. Go forth and celebrate your 11th World Serious title, because next year the Texas Rangers will be back and better than ever!

Other than being disappointed about the outcome of the Series, it was a great week here at Dumbass News. For those of you dumbasses that missed out on some of my brilliant writing and unmatched commentary, today is your chance to catch up with the latest in the World of Dumbassery. For example…

  • Moonshine and Bigfoot – If the urge to go out into the wilderness and become the first to document the existence of Bigfoot, hooch is a necessary scientific research tool. If you are unable to find Bigfoot, you’ll certainly find Big Hangover. 
  • It’s Raining Money in Oklahoma I goof on Okies on a regular basis, but I mean it in a loving way. The people of Oklahoma are some of the finest people you’ll ever meet – Salt of the Earth kinda folks. Hell, Oklahoma has given us Mickey Mantle, Troy Aikman, Garth Brooks and my favorite Redhead, Reba McEntire. Who could hate a place that has produced that group? Not me. BTW, the only reason Texas doesn’t drift off into the Gulf of Mexico is because Oklahoma sucks. 🙂
  • Eating BBQ Flavored Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches! – As a former Broadcast Professional (Radio and TV), I can tell you first hand that people will do some seriously stoopid shit in order to win a prize. The bigger the prize, the stoopider the shit they will do. Don’t believe me? Read this post and you’ll want to projectile vomit immediately tune in to your favorite radio station and see what kind of stoopid shit you yourself will do for a fabulous prize!
  • The $25 Million Dollar Dumbass Mistake – Here are some clues: 1.) Ay-rab. 2) 7-11.3.) Dumbass and 4.) Lotto. Go see what I mean. 

That’s the Dumbass News Week in Review for the last full week of October. I must now hunker down as we have a Winter Storm on the way that could dump as much as a foot of snow on Augusta (where I live) and the rest of South Central Maine. The average first day of measurable snowfall for us is November 17, so we are definitely ahead of schedule this year. It’s gonna be a long, cold, snowy winter in New England. Why did I ever leave Texas? Because I am a…

Dumbass.

Moonshine- An Essential Bigfoot Tracking Tool

Is This Creature a Slim Whitman Fan?

Mankind has been in search of mythical creatures for hundreds of years. Sea monsters, the Loch Ness Monster and his American Cousin, Champ over in Vermont, the Chupacabra (Goat Sucker for all you Gringos out there) of South Texas, you name it, man has looked for it. One of the most enduring and endearing legends of dumbass looking “monsters” is that of Big Foot, Yeti or Sasquatch, depending on which culture you ask – Dumbass White Guy Culture, the Chinese or American Indians. each one has a stale of similar beasts roving the Northern Hemisphere from China to the Pacific Northwest of the USA.

Now some dumbass old man who has sought out Bigfoot for decades(!) has arranged another research expedition in search of my mother-in-law the legendary beast. This waste of hard earned cash, I mean, scientific exercise will take place in North Carolina. the main Expedition Dumbass Guy is Michael Greene who has said that his “previous encounters with Bigfoot — also known as Sasquatch and Yeti in the folklore of different cultures — include hearing the creature roar and capturing thermal imaging footage of a 7-foot-tall creature with no discernible neck…”. Where I come from we call these encounters being shitfaced drunk and/or married. But, I am a dumbass Redneck, so what do I know. I’ll tell you what I know! I know about being married as I have partaken of such on more than one occasion and I damn sure know about being shitfaced drunk. I must confess that I was much better at being shitfaced drunk than at being married. Anyway, our Bigfoot researcher, Brother Dumbass Greene has a plan that will with unquestioned certainty will finally prove the existence of this non-existent animal!

After reading that statement, you’d think that Brother Dumbass Greene had the most advanced technology available to men of his er, uh, “stature” in his quest for Bigfoot. But no!!! Here are Greene’s own words as stolen borrowed from the UPI story:

“Usually,” Greene said of his previous Bigfoot hunts, nothing at all happens. But you hear roaring in the bushes. They’ll pitch rocks into camp, but they never hit anybody. Greene said his team will try to root out the Sasquatch with low-tech methods such as banging on trees with baseball bats and leaving candy bars at their campsite.” In his statement, Greene left out the most powerful in his Bigfoot Searching Arsenal – moonshine! That will make something happen! Trust me on this one, folks. A couple of gizzard-warming shots of Mountain Dew will make you see Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, Jesus and all sorts of other creatures and apparitions. After due consideration, I have deemed this little junket a success no matter if Bigfoot is found or not. Smoky Moutain Soothin’ Syrup is guaranteed to make any critter-finding field trip worthwhile!

Besides the low-tech approach to this experiment, Brother Dumbass Greene has unwittingly added more tools to his baseball bats,candy bars and moonshine – hallucinations and nekkidness. A snort or two of Hillbilly Sody (spelling intentional) Water and Brother Dumbass Greene and his colleagues will be dancing around the camp fire buck ass nekkid singing the Best of Slim Whitman at the top of their lungs. I just hope that Bigfoot is a Slim Whitman fan, too. Happy hunting, Senor Greene!

Dumbass.