Category: Moose

The Moose, the Swing Set & the Dumbass

Best of Dumbass News

I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for “weird news”. You see HuffPo’s “Weird News” often translates to Fearless Leader’s Dumbass News. So, it’s cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don’t plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see “Weird News”, I see Dumbassery.

So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today’s story idea, HuffPo.

Moose-sylvania

Fluffy the Moose

As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into – literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That’s two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.

It’s a mess.

Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.

Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he’s a dangerous sonuvabitch.

Back Yard Bullwinkle

Today’s Dumbass Moose Story doesn’t, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.

From HuffPo: “A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff’s deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, “If something happens to me, give this to my wife.”

Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways…

  1. The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
  2. He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
  3. The moose was tangled up. “Tangled up” meaning “trapped’, “cornered”, “unable to flee”. Bad mojo.
  4. The second most important word in the paragraph above is “distressed”. A “distressed” moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he’s being jacked with.
  5. The most important word, and by “most important” I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
  6. One wrong move and the “give this to my wife” moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples’ air.
  7. The cop is a Dumbass.

From the mouths of Dumbasses, “I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do,” he said Wednesday. “Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn’t seem threatened.” What. The. Fuck.
See 1 – 7 above.

More from the cop: “Pretty crazy stuff,” he said. “This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last.”

I. Am. Speechless.

Almost.

Dumbass.

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85 Year Old Dumbass Lady Hero!

Best of Dumbass News

What you are about to witness on Dumbass News is as about as common around these parts as Satan attending Christmas Mass at the Vatican. Sure we still have a Dumbass to “honor”, but today’s story is truly about honoring a Dumbass. Sit back and get ready for something that could affect your dumbassery forever. Or not. You’ll still get a kick out of it though.

Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2

George Murphy and his wife Dorothea Taylor are your typical really old people. Or so it would seem. George and Dorothea live in a two bedroom igloo in Willow, Alaska. OK, I made the igloo part up. However, like many senior citizens, the Murphys have a dog and he too is as old as dinosaur doo doo. Fellar, the pooch, is twelve years old. That’s 84 to you and me. George and Dot have a routine of taking Fellar out for walks, thus assuring that he doesn’t do his business on the carpet in their igloo. I made up the igloo part again. But any story based on the nation’s largest state wouldn’t be complete without an igloo joke or two. And by the way, Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 explicitly states that using an igloo joke more than twice in the same story is a felony against funnyhood punishable by having one’s gazebos placed into a vice to be tightened by Hulk Hogan. As you can see,  Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 provides for swift and severe punishment when breached. But I digress.

Let me see, where was I? Oh, yeah. The two old farts were walking their old fart dog. There were doing so near an Anchorage, AK airport when they were readying to head back to their igloo home when the, shall we say “unexpected” happened. Oh hell no! We shall say when a one in a gazillion thing happened.


Willow, AK – Unsafe for Octogenarians (and Old Dogs, Children & Watermelon Wine)


Dot was waiting in the truck for George when she just happened to catch something out of the corner of her eye. George was getting the shit kicked out of him! By a moose!!! A 2000 pound living breathing antler totin’ Alaskan moose! This was all it took for Dorothea to leap into action. She got out of the truck like someone stuck a rocket up her ass. This old woman, somebody’s grandmother mind you, grabbed a shovel from the bed of the truck and hobbled as fast as she could to rescue her beloved George. So what does Dot do when she gets to the scene of the moose attack? She smacks the moose on the ass with the shovel! At this point, the startled moose said to himself, “Moose, this old battleaxe is serious! I’d rather fight Chuck Norris antler to hand than take on this crazy broad.” Have I mentioned yet that Dorothea is 85 years old? And 5 foot nothin’ and 97 pounds? 

A Dumbass’ Dumbass

Here’s what George and Dorothea had to say about the whole thing:

“Jeez, that was a pretty hard thing for anyone to do, to walk up on a moose like that. Heck, all she had was a shovel,” Murphy said of his wife.

“Well, we’ve helped each other out of problems before. This just happened to be the latest,” Taylor said.

I did say earlier that this was an unusual story, didn’t I?

Just ask the moose with the shovel prints on his ass.

Dorothea, you are my hero. And a…..

Dumbass. And I say that with all due respect and a great deal of love.

The Story of the Moose, the Swing Set & the Dumbass

I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for “weird news”. You see HuffPo’s “Weird News” often translates to Fearless Leader’s Dumbass News. So, it’s cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don’t plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see “Weird News”, I see Dumbassery.

So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today’s story idea, HuffPo.

Moose-sylvania

Not Named “Fluffy”

As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into – literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That’s two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.

It’s a mess.

Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.

Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he’s a dangerous sonuvabitch.

Back Yard Bullwinkle

Today’s Dumbass Moose Story doesn’t, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.

From HuffPo: “A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff’s deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, “If something happens to me, give this to my wife.”

Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways…

  1. The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
  2. He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
  3. The moose was tangled up. “Tangled up” meaning “trapped’, “cornered”, “unable to flee”. Bad mojo.
  4. The second most important word in the paragraph above is “distressed”. A “distressed” moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he’s being jacked with.
  5. The most important word, and by “most important” I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
  6. One wrong move and the “give this to my wife” moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples’ air.
  7. The cop is a Dumbass.

From the mouths of Dumbasses, “I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do,” he said Wednesday. “Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn’t seem threatened.” What. The. Fuck.
See 1 – 7 above.

More from the cop: “Pretty crazy stuff,” he said. “This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last.”

I. Am. Speechless.

Almost.

Dumbass.

A Hero Dumbass! Really. No Kiddin’.

What you are about to witness on Dumbass News is as about as common around these parts as Satan attending Christmas Mass at the Vatican. Sure we still have a Dumbass to “honor”, but today’s story is truly about honoring a Dumbass. Sit back and get ready for something that could affect your dumbassery forever. Or not. You’ll still get a kick out of it though.

Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2

George Murphy and his wife Dorothea Taylor are your typical really old people. Or so it would seem. George and Dorothea live in a two bedroom igloo in Willow, Alaska. OK, I made the igloo part up. However, like many senior citizens, the Murphys have a dog and he too is as old as dinosaur doo doo. Fellar, the pooch, is twelve years old. That’s 84 to you and me. George and Dot have a routine of taking Fellar out for walks, thus assuring that he doesn’t do his business on the carpet in their igloo. I made up the igloo part again. But any story based on the nation’s largest state wouldn’t be complete without an igloo joke or two. And by the way, Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 explicitly states that using an igloo joke more than twice in the same story is a felony against funnyhood punishable by having one’s gazebos placed into a vice to be tightened by Hulk Hogan. As you can see,  is Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 provides for swift and severe punishment when breached. But I digress.

Let me see, where was I? Oh, yeah. The two old farts were walking their old fart dog. There were doing so near an Anchorage, AK airport when they were readying to head back to their igloo home when the, shall we say “unexpected” happened. Oh hell no! We shall say when a one in a gazillion thing happened.


Willow, AK – Unsafe for Octogenarians (and Old Dogs, Children & Watermelon Wine)


Dot was waiting in the truck for George when she just happened to catch something out of the corner of her eye. George was getting the shit kicked out of him! By a moose!!! A 2000 pound living breathing antler totin’ Alaskan moose! This was all it took for Dorothea to leap into action. She got out of the truck like someone stuck a rocket up her ass. This old woman, somebody’s grandmother mind you, grabbed a shovel from the bed of the truck and hobbled as fast as she could to rescue her beloved George. So what does Dot do when she gets to the scene of the moose attack? She smacks the moose on the ass with the shovel! At this point, the startled moose said to himself, “Moose, this old battleaxe is serious! I’d rather fight Chuck Norris antler to hand than take on this crazy broad.” Have I mentioned yet that Dorothea is 85 years old? And 5 foot nothin’ and 97 pounds? 

A Dumbass’ Dumbass

Here’s what George and Dorothea had to say about the whole thing:

“Jeez, that was a pretty hard thing for anyone to do, to walk up on a moose like that. Heck, all she had was a shovel,” Murphy said of his wife.

“Well, we’ve helped each other out of problems before. This just happened to be the latest,” Taylor said.

I did say earlier that this was an unusual story, didn’t I?

Just ask the moose with the shovel prints on his ass.

Dorothea, you are my hero. And a…..

Dumbass. And I say that with all due respect and a great deal of love.