Category: Naked Guy

Frozen Gazebos and Breaking & Entering for Breakfast

             ******WARNING! NSFW IMAGE BELOW******

Here’s a re-post from April 4, 2011. I’ll try to post a new story later today. 

Thanks,
Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

I mentioned a few minutes ago in a Facebook comment that here it is April 4 and it’s snowing here in Augusta, Maine. Too much snow does weird things to people. An example of that can be found in our story today. Our tale takes place in Bangor, about 75 miles from my house.

The Bangor PD was called to an unusual situation where “a man or woman wearing short-shorts and no jacket running in and out of the snow.” We call that a dumbass where I come from, but I digress. The cops got to the scene of the crime and promptly encountered the owner of a local cafe. The cafe owner said that apparently someone had broken into to his eatery through a side door to the kitchen area. Windows on the kitchen door were smashed and a shovel was found nearby, apparently used to break the windows on the door. Police, exercising due caution, entered the cafe  where they found Daniel Watson, 30, of Bangor in the dining room area.“He definitely had a shirt, a fleece vest and socks on,” but no pants, underwear or shoes — despite the subzero temperatures, Sewall said. Watson’s arms and legs were covered with cuts, police said Friday night.” I guess the burglar thought it was “half off day”. Tee hee. I made a funny.

The good guys arrested the dumbass and the made the Police Statement of the Year (So Far), the suspect was confused and incoherent and that “it certainly appeared” he was under the influence. It certainly appeared that this half naked dumbass was “under the influence”? Again, referring to where I come from, we call that fucked up. And dumbass. In my home state of Texas, we don’t break into closed cafes to get something to eat when we are drunk. We go to Denny’s, eat like an NFL defensive lineman then walk the ticket. No shovel needed. The dumbass drunks up here ain’t got no class. 

The dumbass was taken to the Penebscot County Jail where he was booked then released the next morning. This is the part of the story where can insert any joke referring to a nekkid guy in a cafe. What was he eating when he got busted? A shortstack. A small hot dog. Short ribs. Now for the gratuitous nekkid guy goes to court jokes. Will the evidence stand up in court or will there be a lack of evidence? OK, I’ll stop now, but feel free to leave your nekkid guy jokes in the comments. And if you have a personal “I was nekkid in a cafe once…” story, share it with us. 
Dumbass.
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Duct Tape: The Newest Sex Life Enhancer! Best of Dumbass News

What Duct Tape?

I posted this story a few weeks ago and it still gets plenty of attention. That tells me that y’all are a bunch of kinky bastards. But I already knew that, so it comes as no surprise to me. After all, you are Dumbasses and I’ve come to expect nothing less of you. For all you numb skulls that found your way here from Pinterest, y’all are a passle of sick, twisted freaks. You’ll fit right in. While your here be sure to check out the blog archives. They are listed month by month in the left sidebar. There’s some great dumbassery in there. If you have any good ideas on new ways to use Duct Tape, head on over to the comment section just below this post. Oh, yeah! To all the “Pinners” who’ve joined us today, thanks for taking the time to re-pin my blog posts and s
tuff. 

And now members of the Dumbass Horde around the world…..I present to you Nekkid Driving and Duct Tape!!!

 When it comes to dumbassery, few places on the entire planet are weirder than Portland, Oregon. My guess is that other than San Francisco, Portland prolly has the highest Dumbass to “normal” people ratio in the country. I think the reason for this is the fact that so many homos and various other life forms of dumbassery migrate from Cal-ee-forn-ya to the Pacific Northwest trying to – wait for it – escape the dumbssery in Cal-ee-forn-ya! <face/palm> Go frakkin’ figger.

True Dumbass Love

Nothing says true dumbass love like duct taping your girlfriend like a Taliban hostage and putting her in the back seat of your Subaru for a little joy ride around town. While you, too, are nekkid as a jay bird as you escort your hostage sweetie all through Portland. Not that a duct taped nekkid woman in the back seat of a Subaru would garner much attention in Portland, Oregon, but one sane soul noticed the nekkid, taped up bimbo and called the cops. One can only imagine what the heat thought when they encountered a nekkid guy driving a Subaru with a duct taped nekkid lady in the back seat! I’m fairly confident that the local constabulary had some very powerful handguns pointed directly at Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy at the sight of such a situation.

After taking a large shit on the genuine imitation llama hair seat cover, and losing his boner, Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy and Ms. Custom Duct Tape Job by Jim Bob Jumpback explained that they were just out for a nekkid ride just for a little for fun. And sexual thrills. Yup, instead of a nice candlelight dinner with some cheap wine, these two dumbasses get nekkid, duct taped and stoopid. And cited for disorderly conduct for driving around Portland, Oregon for all to see. This just oooooozzzzzeeesssss romance.

Reactions

When people learned of this little Love Boat on Land episode, most of the reactions were of the “So what, they were just having fun?” variety. One local dumbass posted on the Portland Police Department Facebook page, and I quote, “Nothing wrong with that, they were just trying to have some fun, you monsters.” I ain’t kiddin’.

The best comment came from a guy who summed it up very nicely: “Keep Portland weird, man.” Perfect.

I implore you to heed this advice as you travel through this journey we call life: nekkid, duct taped and driving through a major city is no way to go through life, son.

Dumbasses.

The Dummy Award for the Best Use of Nekkididity While Being a Dumbass

Long time readers of Dumbass News know that nekkididity has been a staple subject of the blog since the beginning. Having said that, nekkidness is not gratuitously used for cheap thrills or anything like that. It is, however, as an excuse to put a photo of a nubile young woman on the same page as the accompanying post. Like this:
I refuse to objectify women or put them in a negative light on this blog! Unless it is necessary to the plot. And what could be more necessary to the plot than a hot babe using band aids as a swim suit? Nothing! That’s what! When I see the photo to the right, I, for some odd reason other than being a pig, do not see a school librarian. Unless she has been in one of those movies. Having watched those movies (for blog research purposes only), I can assure you that she is not in any of them. Much to my dismay.

Also much to my dismay, it is time for the crowning of the “winner” of the Dummy Award for the Best Use of Nekkididity While Being a Dumbass. 

The nekkid dumbass nominees are…

Almost Nekkid Guy Who Breaks into a Cafe This dumbass broke into the cafe in question and according to the Police, “He definitely had a shirt, a fleece vest and socks on,” but no pants, underwear or shoes — despite the subzero temperatures”. I think I’ve said enough.


Dinky the Dumbass; Nekkid Marathoner – This is part of what I wrote regarding Dinky last May: “… the nude dumbass, in all his glory was ordered by the heat to stop running and get into a squad car or he would be tased. He did not comply with this lawful order, so the local fuzz (pun intended) tasered the numb nuts (pun intended again). “Dinky”, as the crowd called him, (OK, I made that part up), immediately fell flat on his gazebos and the attendant appendage that accompanies a man’s gazebos. FYI, Dinky the Nekkid Dumbass was not a registered participant in the race. Not only did he expose his gazebos to all those in attendance, but he failed to pay the required entry fee for the marathon! This is unacceptable!”. What a dickweed.


Legal Public Nekkididoty in San Francissy Nekkid. San Francisco. Legal. Bad mojo.

There really is no winner in this line up of dumbasses, so let me put things this way..the recipient of the Dummy for the Best Use of Nekkididity While Being a Dumbass is…

The nekkid homos* of San Francissy! They win a Dummy Award from an obscure but growing by leaps and bounds dumbass blog. I hope you Godless Liberals and Folsom Street homos (SEE LINK WARNING BELOW) in the City by the Bay are proud of yourselves. This is about the best anyone could say about you. 

Dumbasses. 

*I have nothing against homos. Except the perverted bastards who are homos in S.F.
****This link contains EXTREMELY Graphic Homo Material!  CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK!****

Nekkid Dumbasses You DO NOT Want to See Nekkid (NO NEKKID PICS)

I have an extremely busy day today, so I am making use of an old post from February, 2011. It was written on a Saturday and probably didn’t get that many views (Saturdays are like that for bloggers). So, I know that some of you old timers haven’t seen it and the thousands of new readers certainly haven’t. That sounds funny to me – thousands.  I remember back in the beginning of the blog when I was hoping to get TEN new readers. I am floored. And humbled. Thank you all so much.

Today on Dumbass News, we are going to get down the bare facts about a group of dumbasses that get nekkid. Yes, I said nekkid. Don’t worry, there won’t be any pictures of nekkid people in this post but I will provide links to a couple of places that you might want to use discretion in visiting. The material on them is not suitable for work. Unless you are the Boss. If that’s the case, then dig in, Hoss.

There’s a group of people in our country that like to get nekkid for no apparent reason. Why a certain segment of our population likes gather with others and get nekkid together is beyond me, but, hey, it’s a free country. Another thing is that all these dumbasses that like to get nude with other dumbasses who like to get nude is beyond me. I’m not a prude, but I just don’t get it. On top of that, 99% of these nekkid dumbasses are people who you don’t want to see nekkid anyway! I mean this ain’t exactly a bunch of Playboy bunnies and whatever Playgirl calls their nekkid men. I used to work with a guy who was a nekkidist and I still can’t unforget that image. And this was in 1982! To each, his own. I guess.

This particular group of nekkid people even have a Twitter account (@aanr_nudist) as well as a Facebook page. Those pages do not show any nekkidness, so if you want to check them out, they’re safe for work and kids, as far as nekkidness goes. The group I am talking about today, called ‘Nakation” is down in Florida where at least it’s warm enough to gather and get nekkid. Here in Maine, most of the year they’d need a ‘Nekkid Dome” or some such indoor facility to do a group nekkid thing. These nude dumbasses even have an iPhone app so all the nekkidists can communicate with each other via their iPhones. Nakation’s “re-designed” website can be found here. I looked so you don’t have to and I can tell you that the Home Page doesn’t show any nekkid dumbasses in all their nekkid glory, just some photos from the neck up. I did not, however, go beyond the Home Page, so you are on your own after that.

Nekkidness going high tech was bound to happen, everything else has. So, if you know any dumbasses that want to get nekkid with people of a like mind, pass this information along to them. I am assuming, of course, that they have nothing to hide. Dumbasses.  🙂

***Cartoon from cartoonstock.com)***

Man Shows Tackle Box While Fishing; Has Only 4 Inch Worm

Small Bait for Small Fish

Dumbasses are, unfortunately, to be found everywhere on the Big Blue Marble, including, sadly, my favorite activity, fishing. If you are a fisherman like me, you are all too familiar with these dickweeds – the ones who zoom by in there $25,000 bass boats creating a wake and a jet engine level noise that really pisses off serious fisherman like me (Fish. Fear. Me.) These goobers have no sense of common courtesy or fishing etiquette. I loathe these morons. There are, however, other kinds of dumbasses that can ruin a good fishin’ trip without making a sound. Let me splain.

In Spokane, Washington, land of Fruits, Nuts, Transplanted Californians (but I repeat myself) and pot heads, one guy recently created quite a stir not by driving his fancy bass boat but by fishing in the nude. Other fishermen and outdoors enthusiasts were not amused. Dean the Nekkid Guy was showing his “nightcrawler” for all to see when he was reported to the police. Why Dean the Nekkid Guy was doing this isn’t clear, but witnesses confirmed that Dean wasn’t exactly “fishing for lunkers”, if you know what I mean and I think you do. The only thing this dumbass caught was a felony charge of indecent exposure. Dean racked up a felony accusation because this wasn’t his first time at showing his “tackle box” in public. No shit?! Dean had already accrued previous charges of stalking and indecent exposure, so Felonyville it was for this dipshit. Bill Dance this guy ain’t.

My advice to any other dope smoking freak is to keep your “crankbait” in your “tackle box” while in public. You never know when the cops will handcuff you and your “rod’ and throw your sorry ass into the Crossbar Marina. Even though lack of sufficient evidence may come into play.

Dumbass.

Dinky the Dumbass Nekkid Marathoner!

Dinky’s Measuring Stick

A quick check of the Dumbass News archives shows that I have run exactly one post about tasers. That story was about a cop tasing a female fellow cop’s ass while at the Police Station. We have another taser story today where the cops tase a nekkid guy in a marathon.

I am not making this up. Let me splain. In Cincinnati, they were holding the Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon when a nekkid dumbass joined in on the fun. The crowd may have been amused, but the Police were not. (side note: what a Dumbass name for a marathon. And I say that with love in my heart. It’s great!)  Now back to your regularly scheduled “Nekkid Dumbass Crashes Flying Pig Marathon” blog post. Anyway, the nude dumbass, in all his glory was ordered by the heat to stop running and get into a squad car or he would be tased. He did not comply with this lawful order, so the local fuzz (pun intended) tasered the numb nuts (pun intended again). “Dinky”, as the crowd called him, (OK, I made that part up), immediately fell flat on his gazebos and the attendant appendage that accompanies a man’s gazebos. FYI, Dinky the Nekkid Dumbass was not a registered participant in the race. Not only did he expose his gazebos to all those in attendance, but he failed to pay the required entry fee for the marathon! This is unacceptable! If you are gonna try to run nude in a big foot race, at least pay the fucking fee, dumbass! Oh, yeah…and wear some fucking clothes! Nobody wants to see your teenie weenies or plumber-lookin’ ass running for 10 feet much less 26 miles and some change. have you no decency (or real gazebos), Sir?

Dinky was arrested for being nekkid in public and some other silly shit and hauled off to jail. His trial is forthcoming and I simply hope that he will not be exonerated because of lack of evidence or it fails to stand up in Court. C’mon, you had to know that was coming (pun not intended). Dumbass.

Almost Nekkid Guy Breaks into Cafe, Is Too Early for Breakfast

Not an almost-nekkid drunk guy
I mentioned a few minutes ago in a Facebook comment that here it is April 4 and it’s snowing here in Augusta, Maine. Too much snow does weird things to people. An example of that can be found in our story today. Our tale takes place in Bangor, about 75 miles from my house.

The Bangor PD was called to an unusual situation where “a man or woman wearing short-shorts and no jacket running in and out of the snow.” We call that a dumbass where I come from, but I digress. The cops got to the scene of the crime and promptly encountered the owner of a local cafe. The cafe owner said that apparently someone had broken into to his eatery through a side door to the kitchen area. Windows on the kitchen door were smashed and a shovel was found nearby, apparently used to break the windows on the door. Police, exercising due caution, entered the cafe  where they found Daniel Watson, 30, of Bangor in the dining room area.“He definitely had a shirt, a fleece vest and socks on,” but no pants, underwear or shoes — despite the subzero temperatures, Sewall said. Watson’s arms and legs were covered with cuts, police said Friday night.” I guess the burglar thought it was “half off day”. Tee hee. I made a funny.

The good guys arrested the dumbass and the made the Police Statement of the Year (So Far), the suspect was confused and incoherent and that “it certainly appeared” he was under the influence. It certainly appeared that this half naked dumbass was “under the influence”? Again, referring to where I come from, we call that fucked up. And dumbass. In my home state of Texas, we don’t break into closed cafes to get something to eat when we are drunk. We go to Denny’s, eat like an NFL defensive lineman then walk the ticket. No shovel needed. The dumbass drunks up here ain’t got no class. 

The dumbass was taken to the Penebscot County Jail where he was booked then released the next morning. This is the part of the story where can insert any joke referring to a nekkid guy in a cafe. What was he eating when he got busted? A shortstack. A small hot dog. Short ribs. Now for the gratuitous nekkid guy goes to court jokes. Will the evidence stand up in court or will there be a lack of evidence? OK, I’ll stop now, but feel free to leave your nekkid guy jokes in the comments. And if you have a personal “I was nekkid in a cafe once…” story, share it with us. Dumbass.