I have written many stories about dead people for Dumbass News. For a plethora (<==gratuitous El Guapo link) of reasons, I have deemed that each of these stories contained the requisite amount of dumbassery needed to make it into “print”.
Some Examples of Dead Guy Stories
Strangely enough, and befitting this blog, two of the most popular Dead Guy Stories involve sex. I’m tellin’ ya that there’s a lot of dyin’ goin’ on when people are bumpin’ uglies.
In one story, the woman said, “Ooooo Big Daddy make my day!” That’s when the gun went off. See for yourself.
Another Biggie is the one about the guy that was cheating on his wife and died during a threesome!
One of the most popular stories in the History of This Blog is about the Frozen Dead Guy of Nederland, Colorado. I used to live in Nederland, so I can personally vouch for the authenticity of the Frozen Dead Guy.
A Different Kind of Dead Guy Story
|Deposit $36,000 Please|
While the aforementioned tales of the crypt are certainly Dumbass News-worthy, the lack something that today’s Dead Guy Story has – revenge from the grave!
Here’s the thumbnail version: Guy kills another guy. Family of Dead Guy sues killer for the cost of the victim’s funeral. Judge grants Family of Dead Guy’s request. Nothing unusual – yet.
The Catch: Dead Guy was a member of Hmong (pronounced “mung”) religious sect. The thing is that Hmongs have large funerals. Very large funerals. In this case the Big Adios lasted more than three days and included food and drink for all 500 guests. The tab? Thirty-six large. $36,000. Thirty-six grand.
Upon getting the ruling, the Killer’s lawyer went ape shit, saying that the average funeral costs only about $8000. The Judge in the case told the defense attorney “tough toenails, asswipe”,your client owes these people 36 Great Big Ones. Hizzoner also stated that it didn’t appear to him that the Dead Guy’s Family was running up the tab, they were just following Hmong tradition.
That’s some tradition they’ve got goin’ on there. Hell, when the time comes for me to buy the farm, my survivors could invite everyone I know and 500 people wouldn’t show up. Those who do show up, however, can throw back more likker than 500 Hmongs. Easy. Don’t even get me started on how much food they could inhale.
And there ain’t a Hmong amongst ’em.
Ladies and Gentlemen, a matter of the utmost urgency has come to my attention!
|Frozen Dead Guy, F I P (Freeze In Peace)|
Frozen Dead Guy
First, a little background. many years ago I lived in a quaint (read: they had a likker store & pot was easy to find) little village nestled high in the Rocky Mountains about 15 miles up the canyon from Boulder, Colorado, in a very small town called Nederland. I loved that place, man. At 8299 feet above sea level, Ned, as it is called by the locals, was a little more than halfway to the highest point in Colorado, nearly as high as I was most of the time. Ned is a heavy duty locale with some great residents and just enough to do to keep you busy. Bars with small dance floors, live music on the weekends and some pretty good grub in the local eateries. However, Nederland, Colorado is better known as the Home of the Frozen Dead Guy. For real. An Honest-to-God frozen dead guy. Take a minute to learn about Bredo the Frozen Dead Guy from the link I put back there. <——-.
Thank God for Amanda MacDonald
It’s a bit of a long story about the Frozen Dead Guy (new link), so for those of you dumbasses that are too lazy to read the previous link, I’ll give you the Reader’s Digest version. Bredo Morstoel was a living breathing human bean until the day he died. After he died, he was frozen. He wanted it that way. (Read the damn LINKS up there ^^^^^!!!) Having been turned into dead guy popsicle, it just wasn’t right to call him “Bredo” anymore. So, a caring resident of Nederland, whom we’ll call The Stoned Guy, thought to himself, ” Having been turned into dead guy popsicle, it just isn’t right to call him “Bredo” anymore. I know! Let’s call him Frozen Dead Guy!” I told you the dumbass was stoned! The dumbass, in his state of stoned-ness also had another drug-induced brainstorm. “Let’s have an annual festival in honor of the Frozen Dead Guy an call it “Frozen Dead Guy Days”! We can hold this hoedown in late winter every year!” (March 2-4, 2012) I present to you the definitive case for the legalization of pot. The idea of Frozen.Dead.Guy.Days. It couldn’t be any more obvious.
Foreign Agents Try to Buy Frozen Dead Guy
Very recently, a cabal of Communist Spies and Men of Intrigue hatched a nefarious plot to gain possession of Frozen Dead Guy through any.means.at.their.disposal. Not long ago, this gang of vicious, underhanded, evil foreigners sneaked their way into Nederland to carry out this diabolical scheme.These bad, bad men are far more than your every day Commie Infiltrators. What I am about to divulge to you gives me the willies just letting the thought enter my mind. If I turn up dead and frozen, the investigation to my untimely demise must begin and end with these satanic bastards! If I must die at the hands of these madmen, I am putting my faith in one member of the Dumbass Horde to not rest until all of the gory details of my Departure from this Veil of Tears have been revealed and adjudicated to the satisfaction of my widow and children, as well as the local authorities and the Texas Rangers. (No, Dumbass! NOT the baseball team! The Law Enforcement Guys!) God bless you. Whoever you may turn out to be.
Putting My Life at Risk By Telling “The Big Secret”
The Organization of the Godless Commie Bastard Assassins, the OGCBA, that I have exposed to you in this blog post are brutal outlaws ten times worse than the Hells Angels. That’s how grave the danger in which I put my very existence is. Simply put, I am a Dead Man Walking. But, I regret that I have only one life to sacrifice for the Frozen Dead Guy, the Town of Nederland, my friends who live there and to my family in Texas, Colorado and here, in Maine. I shall keep an eye on you from On High. Please remember me.
The Big Secret
Now that I am resigned to my Fate, it is time for me to expose the horrible misdeeds that almost destroyed everything and everybody surrounding the Frozen Dead Guy. The lair of Satan’s Minions that I have plied you with information about will no longer find safety behind the cloak of anonymity.
These blood sucking vampires, whose scorched Earth blueprint for the nothing-less-than-total annihilation of all that is Holy in Nederland, are members of an unrepentant society whose vision of snatching priceless heirlooms, like Frozen Dead Guy, and using them for nothing but their own twisted view of celebration.
The gate Keepers of Hell of whom I speak are…..Partners in a Public Relations Firm whose sole purpose in life was to purchase Frozen Dead Guy and move him to Denver! There! I’ve said it! God, please protect me! I know deep in my heart of hearts that this revelation is something so shocking, so sinister, so gosh darn mean, that many of you fainted dead away upon reading this horrific news! Do these men have no souls? Moving Frozen Dead Guy to Denver is comparable to the Pope becoming Scientologist. Unthinkable!
This pack of Commie Sympathizer wolves had not anticipated one particular thing happening during their relentless pursuit of Frozen Dead Guy and their evil intentions once they had succeeded in pilfering him from his rightful Earthly family in Nederland. What base had they left uncovered, what detail had they overlooked, what stone had been left unturned?
These “men”, the Organization of Godless Commie Bastard Assassins and PR Guys, had not counted on a smallish woman with the ferocity of a pit bull to throw a rusty Monkey Wrench into their well-oiled Doomsday for Nederland Master Plan!
Our Heroine in this Saga of International (OK, between Denver & Nederland; inter-city?) Intrigue and Suspense is Ned’s own Amanda MacDonald! Never once thinking of the peril of embedding herself in this pit of Big City Vipers, Amanda went straight to Nederland City Officials and laid down her own hard earned cheese (cash, for y’all in Newark, NJ) and bought Frozen Dead Guy and the Frozen Dead Guy Days event for the sole purpose of keeping the festival in Nederland.
In an interview with the Leading Liberal Weenie Communist Daily Boulder Camera, Amanda said of her new toy, that Chamber of Commerce and city officials in Ned “really wanted to keep it local, and they did make it affordable for me [to buy the event], I think, with this kind of understanding: that rather than some promotion company from Denver [taking it over], I wouldn’t really change it drastically,” MacDonald said. Honestly, I just wanted to see it stay in town. It’s really Nederland’s event.”
“It’s really Nederland’s event”. Powerful words. Inspiring words. Words of a sage. Words that cost Amanda a shit load of cash. Standing in the way of an oncoming PR Freight Train, Amanda stood steady, firm, unyielding, unwavering in her convictions when confronted by a monster so hellbent on seizing Frozen Dead Guy and the festival that bears his name, Amanda pulled off what was once thought to be impossible, stompin’ a mud hole in a bunch of suit-wearin’ sissies from Denver trying to bull doze the unsuspecting citizens of Nederland and escape with a Ned Treasure more valuable to them than a bottle of good Scotch to Amy Winehouse – Frozen Dead Guy.
Let this be a lesson to us all. A lesson in courage. A lesson in determination in the face of overwhelming odds. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. David slays Goliath.
Amanda, I along with the tens of members of The Dumbass Horde salute you. well, we would salute you if we all weren’t mental midgets. But, it’s the thought that counts. Also…..as the Head Dumbass, it is my high privilege and distinct honor to bestow upon you the Title of Dumbass Laureate. We bow to you, Amanda MacDonald. Forevermore your name will bring to mind words like visionary, steadfastness and hundreds of other words that not a damn one of us understand. We, however, do know one of us when we see one. And Amanda MacDonald, you are one of us. We are blessed by Heaven to be calling you sister, friend, heroine to dozens and…..