It’s not often that I get to write about a New England Dumbass on this blog, unless they are from MassiveTwoShits, so it’s always a pleasure to be able to do so.
Sadly, our Dumbass of the Day is not from my Adopted Home State of Maine, but there is some consolation in the fact that she’s from the only state we share a border with – New Hampshire. Epping, NH, to be exact. Also kind of cool is the fact that New Hampshirians (New Hampshireites? New Hamboners?) talk real funny like Maine-ards do. Pahk the cah in the yahd, lobstah and all that stuff. They also have great taste in music, AC/DC specifically. Problem is a New Hamboner tends to overdo it when peeling the paint off the wall with AC/DC classics like Hell’s Bells, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap and the old standard, Highway to Hell.
|Highway to Hell|
It was, in fact, Highway to Hell that put a New Hambshirianbonerite Dumbass on the, um, er, Highway to Hell.
Let me splain.
She Likes the Song
The story comes from the HuffingPuffingAwayOnTheHighwayToHellPost: “Authorities say a New Hampshire woman has been arrested four times in 26 hours for blasting the AC/DC song “Highway to Hell” and other loud music from her home and for throwing a frying pan.
Police first issued a warning to Joyce Coffey on Tuesday afternoon at her home in Epping. They say they were called back an hour later and arrested her for the loud music.
Police say Coffey was arrested again five hours later. She was released and arrested again before dawn Wednesday over more loud music.
Police arrested her again after her nephew said he tried to remove some of his belongings from her house and she threw the frying pan at him.
I like Highway to Hell too, but not enough to get hauled off to jail for. Four times no less! Hell, if you’re gonna be repeatedly arrested for loud music violations, which is stoopid as fuck anyway, (turn the damn music down!) at least throw in a little Hank Williams, Jr or Lynyrd Skynyrd or some shit.
Let Me Speculate Here
The story doesn’t mention it, but is it possible that (gasp!) alcohol was involved in this incident? Or pot? or some other elicit substance like burning moose turds?
For the life of me I can’t figger this one out. As I asked up there ^^^, why didn’t she just turn the damn music down when she was first approached by the Law? And, she heaved a fryin’ pan at her nephew for trying to get his own shit from her house? If that doesn’t scream drunk, I don’t know what does! Then again, New Hamboners do smoke a ton of Moose Weed which tends to make them act like they are from the aforementioned MassiveTwoShits. But arrested four times for loud music? Even MassiveTwoShitters get it after the first three times. And they are beyond stoopid. Just look how many times they voted into Congress a Kennedy or Bawney Fwank. But I digress.
When all is said and done, I hope the New Hambonershireite bitch has learned her lesson about playing AC/DC at high volumes and violating local noise ordinances.
As a public service to her, I offer this free advice so she can avoid arrest on similar charges: next time blast some Justin Bieber. Even the most hardened cop won’t come near that shit. After all, he just deals with felons and killers all the time.
Portsmouth, New Hampsire is a nice, cuddly seaside community of about 21,000 people on part of the 300 yards of coastline in the Granite State. Actually, the coastline of NH could be 400 yards long, but what’s a hundred yards between dumbasses? What can be for sure is that at least one of Portsmouth’s visitors is bat shit crazy.
A Masshole (a dumbass from Maasivetwoshits), which borders New Hampshire, went to Portsmouth to buy a car. He bought one and was not satisfied with the car or the dealership that sold it to him and their response to his complaints. So what does he do? He goes back to the car lot and goes on a rampage of destruction. From the UPI story, “Cross (the bad guy) said his mechanic recommended he “take it back,” but the dealer refused to refund his money and told him he was “stuck with it.”
Cross said he brought the van back to the dealership just before midnight Monday night and drove it into six cars.
“I hit the first $25,000 car I could see,” Cross said. “I didn’t hit a car under $20,000. Then I moved a van that they wouldn’t come down on the price for. I moved it with the lemon they sold me. I just held it to the floor until I couldn’t move it anymore. I took out seven vehicles, including my own.” Cross said he flagged down a police cruiser and told an officer “the deal.” He was arrested and released on his own recognizance”
Dude was charged with six felonies and released without posting bail? What. The. Fuck? Let this be a notice to all felons that New Hampshire is “tough on crime”. I shall now remand myself to the Criminal Mastermind Division of the Toby Dome and secretly plan numerous felonies that will rock the Granite State, get set free on my own recognizance and return home to never face Justice! How diabolically genius!
Thanks, New Hampshire Court System!