Category: New Jersey

Budget Shortfall Solution? Dem Says "Tax Bicycles!"

Miss Cleo

Sunday’s Best of Dumbass News

Here we are in what is arguably the worst economic period in the United States since the Great Depression. Liberals, like the Dipshit in Chief, do what they do every time the economy turns even the least bit sour. They yell from the highest mountain top for higher taxes, especially on the rich. Despite having been proved a fallacy every time it’s been tried, Liberals continue to scream for more taxes. Sometimes, they refer to a new tax as a “fee”. It’s still a damned tax, dumbass! The latest liberal asswipe to want to confiscate more of your money is a Democrat (go figure) from New Jersey (go figure again) named Cleopatra Tucker of Essex, NJ.

Cleo’s brilliant idea is to tax bicycle riders by having them register their bikes! Now she wants the government to issue license plates for bikes! Wait a minute, this gets even better. Cleo’s reasoning for taxing your bike? This is Double Barrel Dumbass, folks. Cleo wants to tax your bike in order to make the streets safer for old people! What a dumbass! “My goal was to at least begin a discussion of how best to protect elderly pedestrians. No idea is perfect, but protecting elderly pedestrians deserves attention,” said Tucker. Dumbasspatra said that several old folks had called her office to complain about being knocked over by bike riders. Bullshit. Anyway, in Cleo’s mind taxing the bike is going to make it safe for the old folks of New Jersey to hobble down the street! What. The. Fuck? If an old guy gets knocked on his ass by a bicyclist, two things come to mind. One, he’s senile and is walking in the street or two, the bike rider is riding on the sidewalk and breaking an existing law. Oh, I apologize. I simply forgot how taxing and registering cars has virtually eliminated auto accidents. How stupid of me. I’m sure that police officers all over Jersey would be on the lookout for a six year old without a state-approved license plate on his bike. I mean, the cops don’t have a single more important thing to do than bust bike registration scofflaws. I am getting a headache.

After being called everything but a Child of God for the last week, Cleodumbasstra Tucker decided that maybe her idea wasn’t such a good idea. Ya think? Now bicyclists all over New Jersey are free to run over senior citizens at will once again and then Cleo baby will again call for some kind of tax to keep seniors safe from the menacing hordes of New Jersey bike riders. I have an idea, why tax the bikes when you can tax the old people! I’m sure there are more old people than bikes in NJ, so the revenue generated by this type of law would solve every conceivable economic problem in New Jersey.Tax ’em enough and they’ll all become shut-ins, thus keeping them safe from those evil bicyclists. And if a little old lady strolls on the sidewalk, she does so at her own risk and she’s fair game for the next Schwinn zooming by! That makes as much sense as anything Cleopatra Tucker has proposed.

Dumbass.

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Guy Farts, Neighbor Threatens to Shoot Him!

Best of Dumbass News

Fearless Leaders lead. That’s what I do for you every day. I lead you. I lead you into the depths of human depravity and dumbassery. I must say, however, that this blog can be educational as well. Today for example, we will study etymology. Wikipedia defines etymology thusly, “the study of the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time.” 

The word we’ll take a look at today is one that is used and actually practiced daily here at the Dumbass Dome. The word is “fart”. I know it will come as a surprise to many of you that your Fearless Leader would engage in such juvenile vulgarity. (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Moving right along…

As we all know, “farting”, or in the vernacular, “letting one rip”, “here’s a kiss for you” or “cutting the cheese”, is the process in which digestive gasses are forced through the anus at super sonic speeds. This type of “fart” is often referred to as a “gasser”. Men are the main emitters of such farts, truck drivers being the most notable. My Old Man was a trucker for over 40 years and, believe you me, I know a gasser when I hear one.

Females, on the other hand, “fluff” or “poot” when they emit anal gas., with “fluff” being the quieter of the two types of farting.

How “Fart” Came About

Not being an expert in etymology, I have turned to others more knowledgeable than I. A brief look at the word “fart” from Wiktionary informs us:

Etymology

Pronunciation

Verb

fart (third-person singular simple present farts, present participle farting, simple past and past participle farted)

  1. (informal, mildly vulgar) To emit digestive gases from the anus; to flatulate.
  2. (colloquial, usually as “fart around) To waste time with idle and inconsequential tasks; to go about one’s activities in a lackadaisical manner; to be lazy or over-relaxed in one’s manner or bearing.

Edified yet?

An Almost Gone Gasser

On the surface Daniel Collins of Teaneck, New Jersey looks any other 72 year old would-be felon galavanting around the city. Recently, however, Daniel erased “would-be” from his resume. Although not yet convicted by a jury of his peers, Collins’ likely destination in the very near future is Prison Bitchville.

This Guy Hates Farts

You see, Dirty Dan had an ongoing dispute going on with one of his neighbors when the feud erupted. Literally. The neighbor was coming home from a drunken night of heavy crack cocaine usage when he was strolling by Dan’s apartment door. As he was meandering through the hallways of Teaneck’s finest soon-to-be condemned slum, he had the urge to fart. So he did. It was this gaseous emission that sent Daniel Collins over the edge.

Upon hearing the fartage from his passing neighbor, good ol’ Dan rush to his dresser drawer and grabbed a handgun! He then confronted the fartor while brandishing said firearm and threatened to “put a hole” in his head. Letting one ripin public is certainly not very courteous, but “putting a hole” in the gasser’s head is a bit of a harsh reaction when a simple “quit the fucking farting in the hallway, you uncivilized asshole” would have sufficed. Geez, some fucking people. But at least this is the USA, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, where a man can still fart without fear of persecution from the Gubmint. A deranged neighbor may blow your shit away, but you can still fart free!

It goes without saying that Dan was arrested and believe it or not, released from jail on his own recognizance! What. The. Hell!

Justice awaits Dan “The Man” Collins. If there is any Justice (and irony) in the world, he’ll get the gas chamber.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Carjacks Porsche, Can’t Drive It; It’s a Stick Shift!

Car thieves are a clever bunch. Generally speaking. The world of GTA also has its share of dumbasses who are not quite ready for prime time.

We have covered car thefts before here on Dumbass News and those stories have regaled us with many seconds hours of laughter and amusement. Take for instance the couple who stole a car to use as a getaway ride after committing some credit card thefts only to be busted by the car owner’s boyfriend when he saw them driving the purloined Porsche as they drove up next to the bus he was riding in. Or the story of the guy who claimed he couldn’t be arrested for Grand Theft Auto because the car he stole was already stolen! Even Dumbasses on stolen golf carts are getting in on the action.

Now comes a guy who stole a car only to be thwarted by a transmission.

Here’s the deal.

Being Shifty

Eighteen year old Anthony Reynolds was like any other Newark, New Jersey kid his age. He is a criminal. A car thief to be exact. Tony Boy had been waiting for just the right moment and just the right car to come along before he carjacked it and then sold it to the nearest “chop shop”, just like many other Newark teenagers.

Automatic Transmission Preferred

Finally, the Big Moment arrived. The perfect car and the perfect time. Anthony quickly seized upon this once in a lifetime opportunity. He brandished a hand gun at the car’s driver, forced him out of the Porsche and sped off. Well, not exactly sped off. More like griiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnndddddd and sputter. The car our Dumbass decided to hijack was a stick shift. This is where things went south for Anthony and his dreams of becoming a Carjacking Legend in Newark.

He did not know how to drive a stick shift! End of dream.

Anthony quickly realized what was up and he eventually did speed off, but he sped off on foot not in the Porsche. It is my considered opinion that “speeding off” on foot is nowhere near a fast as speeding off in an $80,000 sports car that goes from standing still to 60 MPH in just over six seconds. My theory on foot speed versus Porsche speed proved correct when Anthony was arrested a short time later. Still on foot.

Luck Favors a Prepared Mind

That’s one of my favorite sayings. Luck favors a prepared mind. Profound, ain’t it?

Now if only Tony Poo has planned ahead and knew how to drive a stick, he might not be in the jam he is in today. If he had only taken about ten minutes of GTA stick shift training from a more experienced thug…But, he didn’t and now he’s a Prison Bitch

Maybe Anthony should have started of with something small, like a Volkswagen or Toyota. Oh, wait. Many of those come with standard transmissions as well.

Anthony was fucked from the get go.

Alas, his dreams shattered and his prison bitchery assured, Anthony Reynolds will rue the day he tried to jack a German-made sports car with a stick shift.

Maybe Tony Poo can take automotive classes in the Big House in between ass reamings and learn the intricacies of the modern manual tranny. And by tranny, I don’t mean other prison bitches.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Threatens to Shoot Neighbor Who Farted! Bonus: History of "Fart"!

Fearless Leaders lead. That’s what I do for you every day. I lead you. I lead you into tje depths of human depravity and dumbassery.I must say, however, that this blog can be educational as well. Today for example, we will study etymology. Wikipedia defines etymology thusly, “the study of the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time.” 

The word we’ll take a look at today is one that is used and actually practiced daily here at the Dumbass Dome. The word is “fart”. I know it will come as a surprise to many of you that your Fearless Leader would engage in such juvenile vulgarity. (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Moving right along…

As we all know, “farting”, or in the vernacular, “letting one rip”, “here’s a kiss for you” or “cutting the cheese”, is the process in which digestive gasses are forced through the anus at super sonic speeds. This type of “fart” is often referred to as a “gasser”. Men are the main emitters of such farts, truck drivers being the most notable My Old Man was a trucker for over 40 years and, believe you me, I know a gasser when I hear one.

Females, on the other hand, “fluff” or “poot” when they emit anal gas., with “fluff” being the quieter of the two types of farting.

How “Fart” Came About

Not being an expert in etymology, I have turned to others more knowledgeable than I. A brief look at the word “fart” from Wiktionary informs us:

Etymology

Pronunciation

Verb

fart (third-person singular simple present farts, present participle farting, simple past and past participle farted)

  1. (informal, mildly vulgar) To emit digestive gases from the anus; to flatulate.
  2. (colloquial, usually as “fart around) To waste time with idle and inconsequential tasks; to go about one’s activities in a lackadaisical manner; to be lazy or over-relaxed in one’s manner or bearing.

Edified yet?

An Almost Gone Gasser

On the surface Daniel Collins of Teaneck, New Jersey looks any other 72 year old would-be felon galavanting around the city. Recently, however, Daniel erased “would-be” from his resume. Although not yet convicted by a jury of his peers, Collins’ likely destination in the very near future is Prison Bitchville.

This Guy Hates Farts

You see, Dirty Dan had an ongoing dispute going on with one of his neighbors when the feud erupted. Literally. The neighbor was coming home from a drunken night of heavy crack cocaine usage when he was strolling by Dan’s apartment door. As he was meandering through the hallways of Teaneck’s finest soon-to-be condemned slum, he had the urge to fart. So he did. It was this gaseous emission that sent Daniel Collins over the edge.

Upon hearing the fartage from his passing neighbor, good ol’ Dan rush to his dresser drawer and grabbed a handgun! He then confronted the fartor while brandishing said firearm and threatened to “put a hole” in his head. Letting one ripin public is certainly not very courteous, but “putting a hole” in the gasser’s head is a bit of a harsh reaction when a simple “quit the fucking farting in the hallway, you uncivilized asshole” would have sufficed. Geez, some fucking people. But at least this is the USA, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, where a man can still fart without fear of persecution from the Gubmint. A deranged neighbor may blow your shit away, but you can still fart free!

It goes without saying that Dan was arrested and believe it or not, released from jail on his own recognizance! What. The. Hell!

Justice awaits Dan “The Man” Collins. If there is any Justice (and irony) in the world, he’ll get the gas chamber.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Falls Asleep in Port-o-Potty, Gets Locked In!

Hobo Hotel

I went to the doctor yesterday and got some not-so-good news. It’s not that bad. I ain’t gonna die. Dumbass. Doctor B did tell me, however, that due to some health concerns I can not go back to work at a “normal” job until I hit the Big Dumbass House in the Sky. So, you are stuck with me. bwahahahahaha! That means that this blog is the only source of income I have. You know what that means? It means that you need to hit the “Donate” button on the top right of the page. If only the longtime readers of Dumbass News gave $5 a month, that would be of tremendous help. Remember, I have two little girls (4 & 9) and a wife to support. I am a little bummed out, but when dealt lemons, make lemonade. And you dumbasses are my lemonade. (I am fucked) Thanks, y’all. I ask not for your sympathy, just your money.

I am actually writing this on Monday night because this whole mess still hasn’t soaked in yet. After 40+ years of working my ass off….just hit the damn “Donate” button. Dumbass. And I say that with love. Here’s the good stuff:

In late September, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties for quite a while. What the hell was I thinking? Along comes this dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.

Here’s the poop, I mean scoop. Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old dumbass in today’s story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john’s door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the dumbass went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered. When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9am and this dumbass was thirsty for breakfast and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as dumbass as passing out in a portable john, when I’m sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep…if you’re a drunk dumbass.

Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed  from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, “No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here.” Who the hell does he think he’s fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God’s sake and you guys call incidents like this one, Friday night!

This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. Let’s hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, “We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it.” Be sure to knock first. You never know when you’ll intrude on a sleeping dumbass in a portable toilet.

Dumbass.

Drunk Passes Out in Port-o-Potty, Gets Padlocked In Overnight!

Ocupado

In late September, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties for quite a while. What the hell was I thinking? Along comes this dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.

Here’s the poop, I mean scoop. Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old dumbass in today’s story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john’s door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the dumbass went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered. When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9am and this dumbass was thirsty for breakfast and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as dumbass as passing out in a portable john, when I’m sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep…if you’re a drunk dumbass.

Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed  from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, “No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here.” Who the hell does he think he’s fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God’s sake and you guys call incidents like this one, Friday night!

This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. let’s hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, “We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it.” Be sure to knock first. You never know when you’ll intrude on a sleeping dumbass in a portable toilet. Dumbass.

Tax the Bicycles Says NJ Dem: She Changes Her Mind

Somebody’s Grandma; The Whole State’s Dumbass

Here we are in what is arguably the worst economic period in the United States since the Great Depression. Liberals, like the Dipshit in Chief, do what they do every time the economy turns even the least bit sour. They yell from the highest mountain top for higher taxes, especially on the rich. Despite having been proved a fallacy every time it’s been tried, Liberals continue to scream for more taxes. Sometimes, they refer to a new tax as a “fee”. It’s still a damned tax, dumbass! The latest liberal asswipe to want to confiscate more of your money is a Democrat (go figure) from New Jersey (go figure again) named Cleopatra Tucker of Essex, NJ.

Cleo’s briiliant idea is to tax bicycle riders by having them register their bikes! Now she wants the government to issue license plates for bikes! Wait a minute, this gets even better. Cleo’s reasoning for taxing your bike? This is Double Barrel Dumbass, folks. Cleo wants to tax your bike in order to make the streets safer for old people! What a dumbass! “My goal was to at least begin a discussion of how best to protect elderly pedestrians. No idea is perfect, but protecting elderly pedestrians deserves attention,” said Tucker. Dumbasspatra said that several old folks had called her office to complain about being knocked over by bike riders. Bullshit. Anyway, in Cleo’s mind taxing the bike is going to make it safe for the old folks of New Jersey to hobble down the street! What. The. Fuck? If an old guy gets knocked on his ass by a bicyclist, two things come to mind. One, he’s senile and is walking in the street or two, the bike rider is riding on the sidewalk and breaking an existing law. Oh, I apologize. I simply forgot how taxing and registering cars has virtually eliminated auto accidents. How stupid of me. I’m sure that police officers all over Jersey would be on the lookout for a six year old without a state-approved license plate on his bike. I mean, the cops don’t have a single more important thing to do than bust bike registration scofflaws. I am getting a headache.

After being called everything but a Child of God for the last week, Cleodumbasstra Tucker decided that maybe her idea wasn’t such a good idea. Ya think? Now bicyclists all over New Jersey are free to run over senior citizens at will once again and then Cleo baby will again call for some kind of tax to keep seniors safe from the menacing hordes of New Jersey bike riders. I have an idea, why tax the bikes when you can tax the old people! I’m sure there are more old people than bikes in NJ, so the revenue generated by thjis type of law would solve every conceivable economic problem in New Jersey.Tax ’em enough and they’ll all become shut-ins, thus keeping them safe from those evil bicyclists. And if a little old lady strolls on the sidewalk, she does so at her own risk and she’s fair game for the next Schwinn zooming by! That makes as much sens as anything Cleopatra Tucker has proposed. Dumbass.