Category: New Years Eve

Adios Dumbasses of 2011, Hello New Dumbasses of 2012!

New Year, New Dumbasses

2011. It came in like a knot head and is going out like a full-fledged Dumbass. I thought when I started writing this blog that it would be a cool “hobby” to have for a while. And maybe make some money. It certainly was a cool “hobby” to have, but the making money part? Not so much. See: Button, “Donate”. Right sidebar. Anyway, I figgered I’d do this Dumbass thang for a while and come up with something else equally as stoopid to do at some later date. After all, 99.99% of all new blogs on the intertubes go the way of Monica Lewinsky. One little blowjob and then you’re kicked to the curb. Without a blue dress. Little did I realize back in September, 2010 that Dumbass News would become more than an internet BJ, but a daily source of dumbassery for people from all over the world! From one hundred twenty-one (121) countries around the world! It was natural that since I was at the time also publishing Three States Plus One, that some of my readers on 3 States would click over to the new blog called Dumbass News. And boy did they click over! Both of them! And one of those was my mother. Simply put, I wasn’t overwhelmed by the migrating hordes of internet users. Hell, I wasn’t even “whelmed”.

Well, my little “hobby” is almost a year and a half old now. I have no idea how we’ve lasted this long when so many of our blogging bretheren and sisteren have gone on to that Big Deleted Blog Folder in the Sky. I know that my literary skills are unmatched by mortal men since the Great Joe Bob Briggs, Drive-In Movie Critic extraordinaire. I bow before Joe Bob. My wit and insight are that of Richard Pryor and Super Dave Osborne. Brash, but brave. Profane, yet professional. Some bull, all shit. In spite of the amazing qualities and abilities that I possess and the throngs of Dumbass Women all over the world emailing me photos of their nose hairs, my humility remains as resolute and steadfast as ever. This worldwide fame has not, in the smallest way, affected my everyday life. It’s a burden I am obligated to bear.

But, Seriously, Folks…

As I prepare a post revealing the winners of The Dummies in various categories of Dumbassery, I am, in all honesty and with great humility thankful for the time you take from your busy ass day doing things like screaming at the kids or cussing the stoopid bitch on Days of Our Lives for being the only soul in the city that doesn’t know what everybody else in Salem already knows about E.J. Di Mera to fuckin’ off at work to educate yourself in the ways of Human Nature and Dumbassery, to read what I have to say. Each time one of you clicks over to Dumbass News, you prove a point that I make every day on these very pixels. The world is filled to the brim with…

…Dumbasses.

Happy New Year. 
Toby
Head Dumbass

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Final Dumbass of the Year Candidate – Assault With Deer Antlers!

Remember these?

I have, as my late Dad used to say, been around the coffee cup huntin’ the handle. In other words, I have been there and done that. But I have never, and I mean never heard of such a thing as “assault with deer antlers”. Now I have. thanks to this blog. Who says that dumbassery can’t be an educational tool? Obviously some one who is just a mere “dipshit” and not a Certified Dumbass like me. Ha!

This where our final nominee for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award comes in. let me stress to you that I did not make this story up. I ain’t that smart. Or that dumb. Whichever. 

Deer Dumbass 

There is no way I could explain this tale of love and antlers that would be any better than when I wrote about it a couple of weeks ago.  

Am I ever glad that that one made it to press just before the cutoff date for this year’s Dummy Awards. having done so, it is out final nominee for the Dumbass of the Year Award for 2011, and what a year in Dumbassville it has been for your Mayor here.  But, wait there’s more!


More

I will announce to the world the winner of the Dumbass of the Year Award on Tuesday, January 3, 2012. However! Tomorrow, New Year’s Eve, I will be bringing to you the winners in the various categories of the DOY Awards! You won’t want to miss that! After reading the results of my tabulations, you’ll want to get a major head start on your drinking for the last night of 2011! What fun!

Be sure to set your alarms so you’ll be the first in your neighborhood to say, “Bring me a beer, Woman!” Fucking drunk. And…

…Dumbass.