Category: New York City

Need an Excuse for Being Gone for 2 Weeks? Fake Your Own Kidnapping!

Kidnappers’ Tool of Choice

A terrible thing happened to Rahmell Pettway.

He was kidnapped.

Last Thursday passersby found Rahmell sitting between two parked cars on the streets of New York City. His mouth, legs and hands were bound by duct tape and he complained of pain in his ribs.

The Police were notified and Rahmell told them the tale of his abduction. He told the cops that two guys in a blue minivan had kidnapped him and held him for two terrifying weeks moving him from place to place around the Big Apple.

However, NYC’s Finest soon became skeptical of Pettway’s story. With good reason.When The Law found Rahmell, a roll of duct tape was still dangling from his wrist!

A confession to this fakery soon followed.

Why would Rahmell go to such extraordinary lengths and concoct such an elaborate hoax?

He didn’t want to tell his girlfriend why he was gone for those two weeks! He was afraid that she’d kick his ass! Of course we all know that faking our own kidnapping is a sure fire way to avoid an ass-kickin’ from our sweetheart.

I know that Mrs. Fearless Leader would be most compassionate if I suddenly disappeared for a couple of weeks. She’d be compassionate enough to change the locks on the door and leave a note for me to contact a friendly neighborhood divorce lawyer. Child support and punitive alimony would soon follow.

Disappearance Advice

Guys, it’s really very simple.

If you don’t want to be with your girlfriend/wife, just tell her. There are a number of ways to do this.

  • Tell her the red dress she just spent $400 on makes her ass look like the rear end of a ’65 Buick.
  • Question her personal hygiene habits. Use phrases like “smells like albacore tuna”. IYKWIMAITYD.
  • Start wearing her panties and that $400 red dress. 
  • Demonstrate a sudden fixation for interior decorating.
  • Plaster your home office walls with posters of RuPaul.
  • Comment how studly Ryan Secrest is.
  • Boink a farm animal. 

Kidnapping, schmidnapping.

Man up!

Dumbass.

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Gun Free Zones Are Now Word Free Zones in NYC Schools!

STFU!

Best of Dumbass News

New York City. The Big Apple. The Greatest City in the World. Give us your poor, your tired, your dumbasses.

NYC was once the greatest city on Earth. Now a days it’s turning into San Francisco East, without all the homo stuff being their main “attraction”. By that I mean that New York City is turning into a nanny state faster than you can say I love New York. For example…salt on fast foods. Banned. Trans fats. Banned. Rush Limbaugh and his millions? Now in sunny South Florida. Glenn Beck and his broadcasting empire? Gawn to Big D. Is it the water? No. But it could be the schools.

What’s the Problem Here?

The NYC school department has notified firms that produce testing materials for New York schools to not use certain words and phrases in tests. Are we talking about words like “fuck”? No. “Bitch” or “ho”? Uh uh. Then what exactly are the offending words or phrases banned from these exams? Put some kind of padding on your desk to cushion the blow to your chin when it smacks against your desk top. Like we say in Texas, “You ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Village of the Banned

Like lepers cast away into the furthest reaches of the land, the following lingo has been exiled into the Funk and Wagnalls Wasteland of Words.

Here’s a partial list from theblaze.com:

  • Dinosaur – apparently people who don’t believe in evolution might be offended
  • Halloween – rumored to support Paganism and that bothers some
  • Birthday – Jehovah‘s Witnesses don’t celebrate birthdays, so nobody else should know about it… right?
  • Dancing – unless it is ballet dancing
  • Computers – if mentioned as being in homes… use in schools and libraries is ok

More from The Blaze: “Topics like divorce and disease are to be avoided, because a student taking a test could be the child of a split marriage or might have a sick relative. Mentions of wealthy people could create jealousy. Poverty is also off limits, as poor or non-wealthy kids could be offended.”

Here’s a video from abc7 in New York that goes into a bit more detail.

Oh, Boy! It’s My Turn!

I am gonna go down the list above and put in my Dumbass Opinion. This is gonna be fun!

Dinosaur – So it tweaks those who don’t believe in evolution? Who. Gives. A. Shit? Not me. You don’t have to believe in evolution to understand that the Earth is not only 5 or 6000 years old. Hell, Phyllis Diller is that old! Then again, the idiots that this word offends are probably Jehovah’s Witnesses anyway. And who cares what those turds believe in? Oh, wait! These are the same dip sticks that don’t believe in birthdays either! If they don’t count birthdays, then how in God’s name could they understand the concept of “millions” of years? Oh, yeah, they can’t. Screw ’em. They don’t count.
My Verdict: Dinosaur and birthday stay in the tests and the Jehovah’s Witnesses get banned to New Jersey.

Halloween Paganism? Yes, Halloween was once a Pagan holiday of some sort. That’s a fact. I ain’t gonna go into the history of Halloween, but you are welcomed to do so at Wikipedia. Besides, the broads not wearing masks on Halloween are prolly too ugly to nail anyway.
My Verdict: The Catholic Church says Halloween is OK. If the Pope says it’s cool, it’s cool. I gotta go with him on this one. So put masks on the ugly bitches get loaded and give ’em a good treat for Halloween. IYKWIMAITYD. Same for guys, too. I ain’t a sexist.

Dancing – Ballet? Are you kiddin’ me? That stuff is Homo City. Very cool stuff, but girly. Let the kids do some headbangin’. They’re kids for cryin’ out loud. BTW, the reason mayor Bloomberg doesn’t make whoppie standing up is because someone might think he’s dancing. I’m just sayin’.

My Verdict: Bloomberg and the people who run this testing program for NYC schools need to get laid. Just not standing up.

Computers – Whoever came up with this one should have his hard drive cut off with a rusty DVD.
My Verdict: I’ll offer a reward of 23 cents for video proof of a “de-hard driving”.

NYC – The Big Dumbass

I am not labeling the people of New York City as dumbasses, just the fucking asswipes who came up with all this politically correct bull shit. These nincompoops have no business potty training a kid, much less teaching them the 3 Rs. Fire ’em all. Every. Damn. One. Of. Them. Bring in some Honest-to-God “teachers” and administartors that have the best interests of the children they are teaching first. And fuck the NEA or whatever piece of doo doo union these “teachers” are a part of. But that’s another story for another day.

One more thing…there are over FOUR DOZEN words on the Not On NYC-DOE Tests List.

And here’s a single word that says it all to the New York City Department of Education. It’s Number 1 on my list.

Dumbasses.

Michael Bloomberg, Elitist Pendejo

Best of Dumbass News

I wrote this post on September 5, 2011. Nothing has changed. Except the date. So keep this as a reminder of what Liberal asshats think of “ordinary” Americans.

Then get mad and stay mad.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how New York City Mayor Michael “I am a Liberal Elitist Douchebag” Bloomberg excluding the true heroes of 9/11 from the 10th Anniversary Remembrance ceremony of that horrible day. Just when you think mayor Bloomingasshole can’t become more of a dickweed than he already is, he proves us wrong.

Mayor Pendejo has even drawn laughs of derision from Spanish speaking New Yorkers. Rachel Figueroa-Levin (does that name remind anyone else of Juan Epstein?) has created a Twitter account, El Bloombito, that mocks and ridicules El Bloombito (The Little Bloom…bwahahahahahaha) and his attempts at pandering to the beaners, spics, wetbacks, pick a slur, in The Manzana Grande (Big Apple). This is how Hizonner looks upon the Latinos in his own city, as second rate people and second class citizens who need his Divine Guidance to understand that a hurricane is on the way. El Bloombito doesn’t do anything without expecting something in return, so his clusterfuck of an attempt at Spanish is just another in a long line of efforts to suck up to a particular group of potential voters. See the link in the first line of this post. He has already thrown the first responders of 9/11 under the bus to curry favor with the goat fuckers with whom he does bidness. You know who I’m talking about. “Middle Easterners”. And I don’t mean the Jews, of which he is one. Money and control are the only things  El Bloombito understands. Loyalty and doing the right thing are foreign concepts to this power-hungry JINO. By the way, we are talking hundreds of millions of dollars of bidness the Maricon in Chief of NYC does with these cretins.

As you have seen, Michael Bloomberg is a small man in more than just stature. He looks down on his “inferiors” with disdain and contempt, which is the trademark of a Liberal Elitist Snob Douchebag Pencil Neck Geek With More Money Than Integrity or Brains.

Hey, Bloombito, I am one of your worst nightmares…a Texan, Catholic White Guy who just happens to speak pretty fluent Spanish. You have for the last time offended a group of people whom you see as nothing more than the trash in your waste basket. I know their culture, lifestyle, traditions and language. they won’t take such insults layin’ down. they may not understand English as well as you or I, but I can tell you what, asshole, they know an insult when they see one…in any language. So fuck you.

Pendejo.

Dumbass.

Generalissimo Bloomberg Bans BOBs in Big Apple! Kind Of

New York City and Mayor Michael Bloomturd have gone too far this time.

It all started with transfats, then salt and large fountain sodas as targets of Hizzoner’s I am a God Syndrome, now this vicious attack on Freedom has moved on to vibrators. Citizens of the Big Apple revolt!

Mayor Bloombito, Commie 

Mayor Michael Bloomingidiot of NYC is not a stoopid man. he’s a Commie Dumbass, but he is not a stoopid guy. he didn’t get to be a billionaire by being ignunt, so I figure he must have made a deal with Satan in order to achieve his riches and his power. That’s the only logical explanation.

As you’ll recall, His Highness started down the road to being a dictator by banning trans fats in restaurants throughout New York City. Then salt became the villain du jour. As if that ain’t enough of this Little Man’s Crusade to Run Your Life, he stepped in and decreed that soft drinks at eateries all over the city would not be sold in containers holding more than sixteen ounces.

At this point. you gotta wonder what the fuck is next?

Horny Wimmin & Homos Unite!

Now we know.

Buzz Kill 

The Daily Mail (London) reports, Shoppers were tingling with excitement when they spotted stalls handing out free vibrators yesterday.
Around 1,000 people – male and female – joined the queues across New York to get their hands on the sex toys.
Crowds downtown were left frustrated however, when city officials pulled the plug on the traffic-stopping event after only 40 minutes.”

Go read the entire article here and I’ll wait for you to return.

I Have Questions 

Fearless Leaders do not become Fearless Leaders by sitting idly by while the horny wimmin (and homos) of the biggest city in the country are denied their Constitutional right to self pleasure using battery operated boyfriends. That’s why I lead the Dumbass Horde, not follow it. 

I have a few very pointed (I said pointed, bwahahahahaha) questions for mayor Bloomingfuckwad.

  • Blocking traffic? Are you fucking serious? In NYC? That’s about as difficult as finding a homo in San Francissy.
  • What is your problem with horny wimmin and homos?
  • What have you got against vibrators? You appear to have one up your ass 24/7.
  • What have you got against Trojan? Wait, you have no “manhood” or balls so at least I can see your point here. You feel left out. Except for the vibrator up the ass part.
  • Why don’t you buy stock in Dura Cell and endorse the fake dick giveaway? You could make another fortune!
  • Use lubricant on your personal BOB and your asshole won’t be so chapped all the time.

I think these are fair questions that deserve, nay demand answers!

So whaddya say, Mayor? Grow a pair. Answer to the people you supposedly represent! Especially the horny wimmin and homo constituency. It’s your duty.

I guess we can be thankful that the BOBs in question were not salted 32 ounce dipped in lard toys. There’s no tellin’ what His Hiney-ness would have done.

Dumbass. 

Back Seat Boinking in the Big Apple!

Curb Service

Parking bans. We get a lot of those up here in the Top Right Hand Corner of the Country, mostly in the winter. If we are expecting or have experienced enough snow to justify putting the city Snow Plow Guys to work, there will be an overnight parking ban lasting until about 7 or 8 o’clock the next morning, generally speaking. Those who ignore these parking bans will wake up to find their car towed to the nearest impound lot, or if the Snow Plow Guy didn’t get “some” the night before, he may just plow your automobile along with the freshly fallen snow. Either way, when the city says “parking ban”, they mean “parking ban”.

That’s just a part of life here in New England. That and hoping that the Snow Plow Guy got “some” before the blizzard hit. I’m just sayin’.

NY Neighborhood Wants a Parking Ban

There’s a New York City neighborhood along West 30th Street between 7th and 8th Avenues in Midtown in which residents of the area are begging for a parking ban. Not because of snow and plowing, however. The situation involves “gettin’ some”, but sadly not for the NYC Snow Plow Guy. The ones “gettin’ some” are patrons of two neighborhood night clubs.

You see, on the weekends, people are going to these gin joints looking to get drunk and laid. No biggie, right? Wrong. They are getting intoxicated and porked but that’s not the problem. The problem lies in the fact that these inebriated Dumbasses are getting laid in the back seats of their cars. Which are parked up and down the streets of the neighborhood!

I can see where the residents of this Midtown ‘hood might take exception with such activity. Not that people are humping each other like rabbits on aphrodisiacs, but the fact that these drunk asswipes are turning the area into a peep show for the locals. And the locals do not all this public fornication going on right in the streets where they live. If the people who live here want to see unbridled Mad Monkey Sex up close, they’ll do what any other red blooded New Yorker would do – spy on their neighbors as they make whoopie. These folks have scruples ya know.

My understanding is that type of behavior takes place on the weekends, so knowing when to confront the problem is already known. The challenge is to come up with something that will discourage Drunk Hineys Bobbing Up and Down in Back Seats as it happens. To me, this is a lemon – lemonade kind of thing. I choose to make lemonade.

Here’s how.

Lemonade

Take notes, I am gonna go through this one time and one time only.

It’s simple, really. On weekend nights when the drunks are screwing in front of God and everybody, I suggest to the residents of the area that you make it as uncomfortable as possible for the Dumbass Fuckers to do what they do. This objective can be met in a number of ways.

Way No. 1 – If the Back Seat Boinkers have no problem having sex in public, make it very public! 


Draw a crowd. A noisy crowd. With video cams. And YouTube accounts. I could be wrong, but I am of the mind that if any of these idiots were to know that they would be seen playing “Back Seat Bingo” on the internet, then one of two things would happen.

  • First Thing: The offending couple would be embarrassed as hell knowing that their little foray into curbside porn would be seen by people all over the world. In this case, the thrill of thinking that you are the Ron Jeremy of Parallel Parking <snicker> would be gone faster than you could say “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. Spielberg.”
  • Second Thing: Nothing will make Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm lose his “enthusiasm” like being observed by people, strangers no less, who will critique his every move like Michael Moore scrutinizes Twinkies. Very. Closely. With great attention to detail.

Of course, there are many other suitable methods that would be effective in putting a stop to bullshit like this, but I am merely trying to get the ball rolling here. Screw (pun intended) the parking ban, take some fucking action, people! You are New Yorkers, not Cal-ee-forn-yans! Show some of that infamous NYC Intestinal Fortitude! Grow a damn pair! You’ve got to take matters into your own hands! (another intended pun)  Do you honestly think Mayor BloomingIdiot gives a damn about this stuff? Hell no! Instead of parking bans, he’s too fucking busy issuing trans fat bans. No self-respecting New Yorker would never depend on some one else, especially your current Head Honcho, to solve his problem. If you are waitin’ on City Hall to do something, then you are closer to being Cal-ee-forn-ya than you realize.

As for the dickweeds doing the dirty deed on neighborhood streets: Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

Dumbasses.




NYC Dept of Education Bans Words at Schools; Ban the NYC-DOE Instead!

STFU!

New York City. The Big Apple. The Greatest City in the World. Give us your poor, your tired, your dumbasses.

NYC was once the greatest city on Earth. Now a days it’s turning into San Francisco East, without all the homo stuff being their main “attraction”. By that I mean that New York City is turning into a nanny state faster than you can say I love New York. For example…salt on fast foods. Banned. Trans fats. Banned. Rush Limbaugh and his millions? Now in sunny South Florida. Glenn Beck and his broadcasting empire? Gawn to Big D. Is it the water? No. But it could be the schools.

What the Problem Here?

The NYC school department has notified firms that produce testing materials for New York schools to not use certain words and phrases in tests. Are we talking about words like “fuck”? No. “Bitch” or “ho”? Uh uh. Then what exactly are the offending words or phrases banned from these exams? Put some kind of padding on your desk to cushion the blow to your chin when it smacks against your desk top. Like we say in Texas, “You ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Village of the Banned

Like lepers cast away into the furthest reaches of the land, the following lingo has been exiled into the Funk and Wagnalls Wasteland of Words.

Here’s a partial list from theblaze.com:

  • Dinosaur – apparently people who don’t believe in evolution might be offended
  • Halloween – rumored to support Paganism and that bothers some
  • Birthday – Jehovah‘s Witnesses don’t celebrate birthdays, so nobody else should know about it… right?
  • Dancing – unless it is ballet dancing
  • Computers – if mentioned as being in homes… use in schools and libraries is ok

More from The Blaze: “Topics like divorce and disease are to be avoided, because a student taking a test could be the child of a split marriage or might have a sick relative. Mentions of wealthy people could create jealousy. Poverty is also off limits, as poor or non-wealthy kids could be offended.”

Here’s a video from abc7 in New York that goes into a bit more detail.


Oh, Boy! It’s My Turn!

I am gonna go down the list above and put in my Dumbass Opinion. This is gonna be fun!

Dinosaur – So it tweaks those who don’t believe in evolution? Who. Gives. A. Shit? Not me. You don’t have to believe in evolution to understand that the Earth is not only 5 or 6000 years old. Hell, Phyllis Diller is that old! Then again, the idiots that this word offends are probably Jehovah’s Witnesses anyway. And who cares what those turds believe in? Oh, wait! These are the same dip sticks that don’t believe in birthdays either! If they don’t count birthdays, then how in God’s name could they understand the concept of “millions” of years? Oh, yeah, they can’t. Screw ’em. They don’t count.
My Verdict: Dinosaur and birthday stay in the tests and the Jehovah’s Witnesses get banned to New Jersey.

Halloween Paganism? Yes, Halloween was once a Pagan holiday of some sort. That’s a fact. I ain’t gonna go into the history of Halloween, but you are welcomed to do so at Wikipedia. Besides, the broads not wearing masks on Halloween are prolly too ugly to nail anyway.
My Verdict: The Catholic Church says Halloween is OK. If the Pope says it’s cool, it’s cool. I gotta go with him on this one. So put masks on the ugly bitches get loaded and give ’em a good treat for Halloween. IYKWIMAITYD. Same for guys, too. I ain’t a sexist.

Dancing – Ballet? Are you kiddin’ me? That stuff is Homo City. Very cool stuff, but girly. Let the kids do some headbangin’. They’re kids for cryin’ out loud. BTW, the reason mayor Bloomberg doesn’t make whoppie standing up is because someone might think he’s dancing. I’m just sayin’.
My Verdict: Bloomberg and the people who run this testing program for NYC schools need to get laid. Just not standing up.

Computers – Whoever came up with this one should have his hard drive cut off with a rusty DVD.
My Verdict: I’ll offer a reward of 23 cents for video proof of a “de-hard driving”.

NYC – The Big Dumbass

I am not labeling the people of New York City as dumbasses, just the fucking asswipes who came up with all this politically correct bull shit. These nincompoops have no business potty training a kid, much less teaching them the 3 Rs. Fire ’em all. Every. Damn. One. Of. Them. Bring in some Honest-to-God “teachers” and administartors that have the best interests of the children they are teaching first. And fuck the NEA or whatever piece of doo doo union these “teachers” are a part of. But that’s another story for another day.

One more thing…there are over FOUR DOZEN words on the Not On NYC-DOE Tests List.

And here’s a single word that says it all to the New York City Department of Education. It’s Number 1 on my list.

Dumbasses.

Mad Dog 20/20, the Brooklyn Bridge and Spiders

The Spiders are Coming! Maybe.

Down in The Big Apple (from where I sit, it’s down there) they grow some of the best dumbasses in the world. They still have a way to go before catching up with California, but there are some mighty fine dumbasses in New York City. Like this guy:

There’s an “artist” in NYC that has a weird, nay, dumbass idea for the Brooklyn Bridge. I think that “artist” in this case means “he who drinks too much Mad Dog 20/20, but I digress. Leon Reid, IV, (the artist) wants to build a 30ft by 15ft spider on the world famous bridge. Mad Dog tends to do shit like that to the mind after a while. Quick aside: who the hell names their kid “Leon” for four generations? This is further proof that not only Leon is a Mad Dog kinda guy, but his parents and those relatives all the way up to his Great Grandfather were fucking drunks. Anyway, Leon was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge with his wife, who is a boxed wine drinker, and through the powers of inebriation and Dumbassery, Leon said to himself one day, “Hey, wouldn’t a 30ft by 15ft spider look great in this bridge?!” His wife simply said, ‘Buuuuuurrrrpppppp.” Leon took that as a “yes”. “I’m trying to draw a similarity between the architecture of humankind and that of spiders,” Leon Reid IV told The New York Post. I think Leon is trying to show a connection between too much Mad Dog and the accompanying hallucinations it produces. Once again, Mrs. Leon, the boxed wine drinker said, “Buuuuuurrrrrppppp”. This time Leon took that as “I am almost out of boxed wine” from his lovely bride.

There are a couple of roadblocks on the artistic 9and drunk) highway that Leon travels. One such roadblock is, of course, money. This project will require eight hundred thousand dollars to complete. What the hell!!?? Leon plans to finance the big spider by redeeming all of his old Mad Dog 20/20 bottles. Each bottle carries a 15 cent cash deposit, further proving that Leon slams MD 20/20 like a baby drinks milk if he can round up 800 grand like that. OK, I made the old MD bottles thing up. Where do you think Leon will get the funds he needs? My guess is from the taxpayers of New York City! And the Mayor of NYC, El Bloombito, is just dumbass enough to grant Leon his wishes. Which leads us to Roadblock number 2, permissiom from the City to build the spider on the bridge. But that’s a mere formality as El Bloombito will likely give Leon the cheese anyway.

I do this post as a public service to the residents of New York City. So far, New Yorkers, we have learned that Leon is a Mad Dog Dumbass and upon imbibing an adequate amount of said vino, Leon sees weird shit and wants to build big weird shit on bridges. Leon should be institutionalized and put on some safe medication like Demerol. It can’t be nearly as powerful as the Mad Dog. While being “treated”, I also propose that the staff at the Funny Farm cut into Leon’s gazebo holder and snip that little tube that makes babies – in this case, babies named Leon V, etc., and babies prone to Mad Dog abuse. A lobotomy might not be a bad idea either. I’m just sayin’.

Leon’s wife says, “Buuuuuuurrrrrrrrppppp.”

Dumbasses.