Category: New York

Dumbass Robs Bank, Goes Back for More!

It’s happened to me a hundred times. And it’s probably happened to you as well.

I am talking about patronizing the drive thru at a joint like McDonalds, placing your order, paying for it only to get home and find out that you have been short changed an order of fries or something. So, whaddaya do? You go back to The Arches and retrieve the stuff you should have been given in the first place and maybe get a coupon for a free Big Mac redeemable on your next visit to McD’s. Or you simply eat (pun intended) the price of the forgotten item.

This got me to thinkin’, “What if something like this were to happen to a bank robber?” Actually I didn’t think that. It’s just my way of segueing into today’s Dumbass News. Clever, huh?

We have done stories about bank robbery before including this one about a guy that knocks off a bank then brags about it on Facebook! There’s also the one about the idiot that tried to disguise himself by putting underwear on his head and the Dumbass who robbed a bank and took a getaway bus in order to escape! But today’s story may top them all.

The Scene

Picture yourself in Syracuse, New York. Or if you’d rather not, I understand. But Syracuse is where this story takes place, so deal with it.

Anyway, 1001 James Street in Syracuse is home to Alliance Bank. It is also the site of one of the stoopidest crimes in Syracuse annals.

The Heist

Arthur

Twenty-eight year old Arthur Bundrage was out of crack cocaine one day when he got a great idea. “Today is a great day to rob a bank!”, he thought. So Arthur moseyed on over to the aforementioned Alliance Bank at 1001 James Street where he promptly walked in and demanded $20,000 in cash from one of the bank’s tellers. The teller refused. Again, Arthur ordered the teller to fork over the 20 large. This time bank employee relented (maybe Arthur said “please”) and crammed some cash into a bag and handed it over to Arthur. Arthur then split the scene. The bank called 911.

This story doesn’t end here, however.

So Arthur pulled the bank job, left the scene of the crime, the cops have been notified and are on the way to the bank and what does the Dumbass do? He looks at his ill-gotten gains and determines that the bank teller did not give him the full 20 grand that he demanded. It is at this point that we find out that Arthur Bundrage is about as smart as a spit wad.

Unsatisfied with his haul, Arthur heads back into the bank to get the rest of the $20,000! He got there about the same time the cops did.

He was arrested without incident.

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to and photo courtesy of syracuse.com***

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Dumbass Spends 65 Grand on Matchmakers, Still Ain’t Got a Woman

Jewish Guy, 47, Multimillionaire looking for beautiful thin Jewish girl from New York. Must have sense of humor.

Ladies, what would you do if you were looking for love and that ad was shown to you. I have a feeling that once you got to the “multimillionaire” part, you’d be converting to Judaism and start eating lox and bagels. Am I right? I thought so.

Some Dumbass in Plainview, New York uses those criteria in looking for the perfect woman. As a matter of fact, over the last several years, Larry Greenfield has spent $65,000 looking for the woman he describes in that ad. You see, Larry has been using matchmaking services to find a woman fitting that description. Twelve years!

After over a decade of looking for love in the classifieds, as it were, Larry has come up with a conclusion that will bowl you over. He says matchmaking services are a ripoff! Knock me over with a yenta and call me Schlomoe.

No shit, Larry?  And just what caused you to come to that realization, Einstein? Oh, wait. He’s got sixty-five thousand reasons for saying that. My bad.

To be fair, the matchmaking services Larry used say that he’s too picky in regards to his women. I say, big fucking deal! It’s his money! He is paying you to find him a woman. Quit bitchin’ and get to matchmakin’.

WTF?  

That’s all I can say. What. The . Fuck.

All this time I thought that meeting a woman in person at a dinner party, at work or at church even, was the way to find a soul mate. You know, ask her out on a date, talk to her, better yet listen to her, wash, rinse, repeat, then marry the froy. It’s obvious that Larry and I differ on the ways to find the woman of your dreams.

Wait a minute! That shit never worked for me either! As a matter of fact, I found several women of my dreams doing shit the old fashioned way.

Larry, it’s your money, bro. Blow it however you see fit. If it means matchmakers, then use ’em. If it means meeting a woman at synagogue, then so be it. If it means you go broke looking for a “thin, beautiful, funny Jewish girl from New York”, then so it will be. And if you go broke, then it’s no Jewish broad for you, Larry. You’ll end up instead with a Baptist girl who’s not allowed to dance or make love standing up (because it looks too much like dancing!) And we know how those mixed marriages work out, don’t we?

It all means one thing in the end, Larry.

You are a…

…Dumbass.

Upstate and Upside the Skull with a Sex Toy!

TWELVE Inches??!!

When I wrote this story about some drunk, horny Battery Operated Boyfriend-wielding Dumbass Dame attacking a policeman last November, I remember thinking at the time that stories like that would come around about once every 12 to 18 months. I was wrong. It took less than six months for another one to become the buzz (ha ha) of the internet.

For today’s Assault by Dildo Adventure we venture to Upstate New York.

BOB and the Cop

The Watertown, New York Police Department recently received an early morning call about an unwanted person at a local residence. The “unwanted person” was a local woman who was not a welcomed guest at the home of a male friend of hers. At 3AM! This would be the appropriate time to inject (pun intended) into the story that the bitch was, shall we say, drunk. No, we shall say that the bimbo was blasted. 


Anyway, it was three in the morning and Officer Jonathon Pitts did his duty and went to check out what the hell was happening at this apartment. Upon surmising that the woman was indeed inebriated and not welcomed at the guy’s home, Officer Pitts went about escorting the Dumbass from the residence when IT happened.

The suspect, Lisa Anderson, took offense to being removed from the premises and on the way out, lead by Officer Pitts, Anderson noticed a pink sex toy that just happened to be laying in a nearby chair. It was at this point that she picked up the plastic penis, threw a high heater ( a little baseball lingo there) in the general direction of the cop and it smacked the Good Officer on the forehead!

Questions immediately abound.

WTF

Being the inquisitive Dumbass that I am, I demand answers to some very pertinent questions that arise from this incident.

Questions:

  • Why is Lisa Anderson, the drunk fake dick throwing dumbass out at 3 AM? Did her mother not ever tell her that nothing good happens after midnight? 
  • Why is there a pink plastic penis “just laying around” in a chair in the living room of the victim’s apartment? I am of the opinion that the guy in this story wanted to get his freak on with Lisa and the BOB but she was too loaded to perform to his specifications. This is merely speculative mind you.
  • As a former Professional Drinker, I saw and did some pretty damned stoopid shit, but throwing a dildo at a cop was not one of them. Of course, I never had much use for a TWELVE INCH (according to the police report) pink plastic ding a ling, whether my Blood Alcohol Content was .02 or .20. Then again I was never lucky enough to be around a drunk chick who came over to my house at 3 AM wanting to play “Bury the BOB in My Nether Regions”. Damn the bad luck.
Three Hour Tour 
It goes without saying that Lisa was taken into custody and put up for the remainder of the night in the City of Watertown Cross Bar Hilton charged with the “old dildo to the head of the investigating flat foot is a no-no” statute. This is a misdemeanor offense, so after sobering up, Lisa was released from custody and hightailed it straight away to a local 7-11 where she purchased a bottle of the Mad Dog and some “C” cell batteries for BOB. 
I hope she gets here before 3 AM.
Dumbass.

Dead Guys and Dumbasses

I’ll say it has!

Here at Dumbass News, we go to great lengths to bring you some of the most idiotic, but true, stories to be found on the internet. And believe you me, plagiarizing some one else’s work researching our topics ain’t as easy as it used to be. (remember we are dumbasses here) Plagiarism Diligent research is how we came across this story. In New York City, driving around town is no picnic and finding a parking space when you arrive at your destination can be very educational. Educational meaning the children in the car with you at that time will learn cuss words and expletives that would make Gordon Ramsey blush. Therefore, when you find a prime parking spot, you’d better hang on to it. And be sure to keep the parking meter fed so you don’t end up with a parking citation that will cost you an arm and a leg. Twenty-one year old Nicholas Rappold came up with a novel way to stake claim to his parking place. He died at the wheel of his car in a parking place! Ya gotta give Nic credit, he is, or rather was, very creative in staking claim to his favorite parking place. Now, Nic isn’t the main dumbass in this saga. The main dumbass in this little diddy is a cop. Not just any cop, though, the cop who issued a parking ticket to a dead man! The New York Daily News picks it up from there, “Police said the vehicle’s windows were heavily tinted and the parking enforcement officer was unable to see inside. Rappold’s body was discovered by a friend about an hour after the ticket was issued.” This statement reeks of dumbassery. The windows were tinted and the parking cop couldn’t see inside is a (pun intended) cop out. Where do the parking cops normally put a citation on a car when they are violating parking laws? The front windshield! And the front windshield cannot, by law, be over-tinted, dumbass. Look in the front windshield! The moment you see a motionless man slumped over the steering wheel of a car, something is out of ordinary. The slumped over man could be sleeping or drunk or, you know, DEAD! Either of these circumstances should arouse at least a modicum of suspicion, unless you are a NYC parking officer. In that case, you just wait for an hour and the dead guy’s friend, who happened by, will tell you, “Officer, my friend may be late in paying his parking fine. He’s dead.” The parking dumbass replies, “Good! He won’t park here again on my watch!” No shit, Sherlock. Remember our recent story about the guy passing $100 bills with Abe Licnoln’s(!) picture on them to dozens of business and the only one smart enough to see that the bills were fake was a bartender? I suggested sending the dumbasses that took the phony bills go to bartending school to learn about counterfeit money.In this case, maybe all parking cop trainees should be sent to a Coroner School for dumbasses so they can tell whether it’s a dead guy , or not who is illegally parked. Not that it matters to the dead guy. By the way, (I am not making this up), the dead guy is off the hook for a hefty parking fine. The City dropped the charges. How sporting of them.