Category: Newspapers

Dumbass Newspaper Headlines (Best of…)

It has been a while since we’ve had some dumbass newspaper headlines on this blog, so I did some digging around the internet and came up with somr flat funny ones. I always get a kick out these dumbass headlines posts because I get to demean and ridicule perfect strangers for being dumbasses.  That’s just how I roll.

You gotta remember that these are actual newspaper headlines and classified ads, not something that I made up. So, let’s get to this week’s Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Computers are as much a part of our daily lives as having breakfast in the morning. We use them for almost everything in our lives – banking, research, shopping and communication. Now we learn that computer viruses are spreading to human beans!!! Let’s pray that the Blue Screen of Death is not contagious. Just sayin’. Dumbasses.

You are serious, right? Whoever let that headline make it to print must be the editor of The Dumbass News Daily. Fuckin’ moron. But wait! They get better!



I blame it those damned illegal immigrants! Next thing you know they’ll throwing tacos into the dumpster. What will that look like to some dumbass? I have several possibilities for jokes here, but they are too tasteless even for me, so, (insert taco joke here).

 What’s the name of this town? Dumbassville? Does everybody in Dumbassville wear Essence of Turd cologne? Do they eat shit sandwiches for lunch? Oh, wait! They can’t eat shit sandwiches, the dumbasses don’t like bread!

                                          

Her life’s ambition is to be the Mofongo Queen in next year’s pageant. “Mistress of the Universe” is a bit much for a teen girl.

And the headline of the day is;

It’s amazing what they can do with a little plastic surgery these days. I’ just sayin’.

 
 Dumbasses.
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They’re Baaaaaaaack! Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

When I say this job is easy, I didn’t know it would ever be this easy. Below you find a sampling of 25 flat funny newspaper headlines I came across on BuzzFeed.com. If you are in a location like work where laughing your ass off out loud would be, shall we say, “distracting”, go to the toilet for a minute to read this post. If you are ROFFLMFAO in the can, your co-workers will think you are either on your cell phone (good) or slappin’ the monkey. (bad). Regardless get ready for more shamelessly copied and pasted from BuzzFeed.com.

Remember, these are actual newspaper headlines from all around the country.

Two things. 1) Dad has a smile on his face. 2) Judging by the size of Susie’s mouth, she wants to congratulate Dear Old Dad. I’m just sayin’.

Obviously that improvement hasn’t made it into headline writing. Notice the byline? It’s the Associated Press. “Nuff said.

Obama’s package is big enough to have screwed the whole damn country. I’m turned off, too. One good thing though, Obama ain’t got any balls.

The Lady is a Tramp.

 I know this to be true as I have faced many obstables in my life which led me to step in many steaming piles of horse shiite.

A lot of hookers play with Tiger’s balls, too, Fearless Leader says.

 Many a man has hurt his wang while going deep.

What sound does a one armed man applauding make?  Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. What’s next, a guy with no legs giving a standing ovation?

Where do you expect it go? AlAnon?

The Nationagsujw;efuq  Football Leanjweivfjvqwjevv9

I have been to Boulder hundreds of times and am still amazed at what the women grow and where they grow it.

What can I say?

More Dead Ahead

I left out a few good ones for the sake of brevity, but you can see the rest of the Dumbass Headlines that are paired with these at BuzzFeed.

And if you should make the headlines, I hope it’s for doing something extremely stoopid.  🙂

Dumbass.


Dumbass News Extra!  

Dumbass News Headlines is always a popular feature here on the blog. And since we are growing in popularity at such a rapid pace, I decided to throw in a few of the prvious Dumbass News Headlines posts from the first 22 months in the life of Dumbass News.

Here’s a list of links to more Dumbass News Headlines 

  1. http://realdumbassnews.blogspot.com/2010/11/more-dumbass-newspaper-headlines.html#.UAjSIyIUxdg
  2. http://realdumbassnews.blogspot.com/2011/01/get-your-dumbass-newspaper-headlines.html#.UAjUzyIUxdg
  3. http://realdumbassnews.blogspot.com/2011/02/return-of-dumbass-newspaper-headlines.html

Too Much Cussin’ & Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

No shit?

I was sitting, taking it easy and wondering about what would make an easy interesting post for today. Then, all of the sudden, out of the blue I thought of something! But Mad Monkey Sex and kitchen utensils, while quite an interesting topic, would not go over well with my Mom. She’s already told me that I need to cut back on my “colorful” language. I am trying to do so, but little salty bits of the “vernacular” sometimes make a point more emphatically. For instance, which of the two following statements is more attention-getting? 

  • Statement 1) Those gosh darn Occupy Wall Street protestors are sure an excitable bunch of young people, aren’t they?   OR
  • Statement 2) Those fucking dirty assmaggots are one big steaming pile of rancid pig shit piled on top of Rosie O’Donnell, ain’t they?

Any dumbass worth his rodeo warm Pabst Blue Ribbon salt would use Statement 2. Can’t you just feel the anger in those words? The second one is not only very effective in letting the reader feel the speaker’s anger, but importantly, it’s more effective because it’s true! So, while I may cut back on the use of nasty words for my Mom, I am still gonna call a douchebag a douchebag. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

I started out prepared to write a post on Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, and as you can see, I went off on the syphilis-infected dickweeds of OWS. But it is never  too late for DNH! As is the custom, I’ll write word for word the dumbass headlines actually found on newspapers large and small from all over the good ole USA, followed by my commentary on each one. Let’s rock!.

Porn case has holes, lawyer says Ya think?! Porn cases have more holes than ObamaCare. But, the holes in porn are much easier to plug up.

The bra celebrates two milestones this year –  Here I thought that bras had been holding up sweater puppies for many decades. And they are still a pain in the ass to undo. At least that’s what I am told.

Rally against apathy draws small crowd I don’t care.

Male student finds happiness living among women I’ll bet he does. Lucky bastard. I do, however, believe that a large sub group of women going through PMS at the same time is a motherfucker. I’m just sayin’.

And finally:

Seeing worm in bowel movement bad way to start day It’s odd that this headline comes up just in time for this post. I was sayin’ to my wife just the other day, “Honey, I wish I could take a shit and find it loaded with some big, fat worms because I need to go fishin’ ” (<—— that’s satire by the way)

It appears to me that our unemployment rate would drastically decline if only we could get some competent headline editors at news rags all over the damn country.

Dumases. Er, uh  dummasces. Dumbasses.


Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Dumbass Headlines

Something we haven’t done in a while is Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, so I figured today would be a good day to do them. My source is littlecalamity.tripod.com and they do not specify from which newspaper these headlines come, so I have no way of giving credit where credit is due. I shall, however, steal use them and make the funny.

  • 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves – God knows what they would have won if they had thunder thighs
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft – Note to astronaut: No red beans and cornbread just before next liftoff. I’m just sayin’.
  • Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant (Newspaper in town of Big Ugly, WV) – Good thing the town ain’t named Big Ass.
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case- And I thought an 8 x 12 foot cell was small.
  • Include your Children When Baking Cookies- Children add texture to the cookies.
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant- That’s one way to save on court costs.
  • Lack of brains hinders research Must be the same dumbasses who believe in global warming.
  • Miners Refuse to Work After Death – That’s a very effective retirement plan.
  • Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped – And from what I understand, she likes it too.

There ya go. Those are just a few of the headlines from bird cage liners from all around the country. You can now understand why print newspapers are going out of business faster than shit through a goose. That leaves us with only one thing to say.

Dumbasses.

The Return of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

It has been a while since we’ve had some dumbass newspaper headlines on this blog, so I did some digging around the internet and came up with somr flat funny ones. I always get a kick out these dumbass headlines posts because I get to demean and ridicule perfect strangers for being dumbasses.  That’s just how I roll.

You gotta remember that these are actual newspaper headlines and classified ads, not something that I made up. So, let’s get to this week’s Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Computers are as much a part of our daily lives as having breakfast in the morning. We use them for almost everything in our lives – banking, research, shopping and communication. Now we learn that computer viruses are spreading to human beans!!! Let’s pray that the Blue Screen of Death is not contagious. Just sayin’. Dumbasses.

You are serious, right? Whoever let that headline make it to print must be the editor of The Dumbass News Daily. Fuckin’ moron. But wait! They get better!



I blame it those damned illegal immigrants! Next thing you know they’ll throwing tacos into the dumpster. What will that look like to some dumbass? I have several possibilities for jokes here, but they are too tasteless even for me, so, (insert taco joke here).

 What’s the name of this town? Dumbassville? Does everybody in Dumbassville wear Essence of Turd cologne? Do they eat shit sandwiches for lunch? Oh, wait! They can’t eat shit sandwiches, the dumbasses don’t like bread!

                                           

Her life’s ambition is to be the Mofongo Queen in next year’s pageant. “Mistress of the Universe” is a bit much for a teen girl.

And the headline of the day is;

It’s amazing what they can do with a little plastic surgery these days. I’ just sayin’ Dumbasses.                            .

A New Feature! Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Today we are gonna change directions a bit and not appoint a Dumbass of the Day, rather we shall explore some actual newspaper headlines that take “dumbass” to a new level. Let me state up front that I got these dumbass headlines in an email from my Mother, who taught me about the dangers of dumbass at a very young age. The woman knows dumbass when she sees it and you won’t be disappointed with what you are about to read. Thank, Mom! These are actual headlines that have appeared in newspapers across the country.

Headline: “Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says”
DN: No shit, Sherlock. C’mon, fellas, next time try the positive approach to a tragedy like a jet crash. For instance, “Something Went Right in Jet Crash That Killed 260 People”. Dumbasses.

Headline: “Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers”
DN: That’ll teach the bastards!

Headline: “Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over”
DN: Ain’t that illegal?

Headline: “J**u**venile Court to Try Shooting Defendant”
DN: The next headline would be: “Crime Rates Plummet”. Enuff said.

Headline: “Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges”
DN: What? You dumbasses ran out of Super Glue?

Headline: “Kids Make Nutritious Snacks”
DN: Especially with salt and mustard.

Headline: “Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead”
DN: I got nothin’.

Now, wasn’t that fun? Just think, for those headlines to actually make it to print, they had to get past several layers of editors who supposedly were proofreading the copy. Dumbasses. Is it any wonder that bird cage liners are going belly up all over the place?

I think we’ll do this feature on a recurring basis. It was fun. If you come across a dumbass headline from a paper in your town, email it to me a realdumbassnews AT g mail DOT  com.

***(Hat tip: My Mom)***