|Not Anymore. Dammit.|
The week that we are ending today has been a memorable one.
It all started for me during the National Football League Playoffs last Sunday. Needless to say, from my perspective, starting about 4PM EST, things sucked from that moment on. A little while after four, the Divisional Playoff game between the San Francisco Ballerinas and Nawlins Saints. The Pansies won and the Coon Asses headed back to the Big Easy. Dammit. Things did not get any better from there for me.
My favorite NFL team of over 50 years, the Green Bay Packers, were next to make me wanna barf when they lost to the New York Mannings. In Green Bay no less! What.The.Hell. I remain in shock. How could the defending Super Bowl Champs lose to a team that squeaked into the playoffs beat creaming the Dallas Rhinestone Cowboys in the last game of the regular season! I mean for Vince Lombardi’s sake, the Pack was 15 – 1 during the regular season and the Mannings finished at 9 – 7 by virtue of their win over Dallas. That’s SIX game spread! In lieu of this upset, I am still boycotting all cheese from Wisconsin. Until I make a double decker Toby Burger later today, protest be damned!
To top off the whole disastrous week, my wife and/or one or both of my little girls have been sick all week. Actually this is about the third week that Heather and Issy have been on again off again ill. Heather and Issy Woo Woo are still under the weather. Whatever it is that’s kickin’ their asses will not go the hell away! Now I wear the “I’m Next to Contract the Super Crud” bull’s eye on my back. Oh, the joy! Dammit. Again.
Even though this week sucked swamp donkey gazebos for my family and me (and my beloved Packers), the dumbassery we displayed in our posts was at a very high level, with each day presenting a tough act to follow for the next day’s story. It wasn’t easy, but through hard work, determination and cheating, we did it.
- On Monday, we paid tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Also on Monday, I had a dream! A dream of eliminating terrorists in a most unusual way. Penis cancer!
- I have posted several stories about dwarf tossing on Dumbass News, but the one we had up on Tuesday had a bit of a twist to it. Ambush Dwarf Tossing!
- Some weenie at a fitness club in Cal-ee-forn-ya was mortified, mortified, I tell you at posters in the club that featured young, pretty fit women in minimal clothing. BTW…his name is “Twinkletoes”, IYKWIMAITYD.
That’s an All Pro lineup of Dumbassery if I’ve ever seen one. Of course I said the same thing about the Green Bay Packers and the Nawlins Saints last Sunday and look how that worked out. Both teams got their asses handed to them by inferior teams. On any given Sunday, I suppose. Dammit.
It’s Sunday and NFL Time, so I think in honor of torn ACLs and concussions that we’d re-post a story about ridding the World of douchebag terrorists. Here’s my plan:
A recent story published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has inadvertently given us the weapon we need to effectively end the war on terror! We, the USA, have spent hundreds of billions of dollars on weapons systems so technologically advanced that we were blinded by the obvious. Animals. Yes, those animals. Let me splain.
The Splainin’ Part
The JSM released the results of recent study that concluded that men who have sex with animals (yes, those animals) are twice as likely as men who don’t boff our furry friends to get penis cancer. Until I read this article, I had never heard of cancer of the weenie. Gazebo cancer, sure, but never cancer of Mr. Willy. The Huffington Post ran the story in more detail, but I don’t care about that shit. But I will pull a couple of quotes from it in a bit. First, as you can imagine, I have some questions about this study. Who the hell would even think of doing such a study? Some dumbass Brazilian doctor that’s who. Brazilians are sick bastards sure, but a study about slippin’ the sausage to cocker spaniels? That’s just fucking wrong. In order to conduct this study, Dr. Zequi (the Head Man Fucking Animal Observer) needed funding from somewhere. But from where? Private donations? Taxpayers? Gubmint grants? can and bottle deposits? Inquiring dumbasses want to know dammit! Now to the perhaps the most obvious and important question regarding screwing beasts of burden. Actually, it’s a two parted entreaty. Part 1: What in the name of all that is Holy would give somebody the idea to study men critter-boinking aardvarks? Was Dr. Z sound asleep one night and suddenly leap out of bed and shout, “Eureka! For my next project I am going to do a study on human-animal sex and the possibility that it could cause cancer of the schlong!”
Part 2: Where did the good doctor find volunteers for this idiocy? San Francisco? Prison? The Home for the Criminally Insane? PETA? It couldn’t have been an easy task to find men willing to go through with it. Except in San Francisco.
Concerned citizens were very active in giving advice to animal pokin’ men. Take, for instance, a HuffPo reader that is all about mad monkey sex…literally. Here’s a portion of his email to HuffnPuff “A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals. She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. “They might become more cautious,” said Sallie Graves, “but they wouldn’t change their nature.” That’s your typical PuffHo patron right there, folks. I would throw caution into the wind and bet a dollar to a donut that this particular emailer will not be voting Republican in the next presidential election. I have a real good joke to insert here but it’s pretty out there, so I’ll just give you a hint about it instead. Zoophilia, Obama, the First Wookie. I’m just sayin’.
War on Terror
I started this post off with a deal to end the war on terror. I have expertly lead you this far to get the answer with my unassailable logic and reasoning and because you are dumbass enough to read this far. Anyway…Through anecdotal evidence, we have learned that terrorists are very “friendly” with their farm animals. I have actually seen a video from an American fighter jet on a sortee to bomb the shit out of the bad guys one night and through their FLIR (Forward Looking Infrared Radar) camera they caught a bad guy getting penis cancer from a donkey! If you know what I mean and I think you do. So the end of the War on Terror would come about in no time if we just dropped millions of packets of Viagra to the Splodey Dopes. They take the tool hardener and all of the sudden old Bessie the milk cow is lookin’ pretty. Damn. Good. A romantic evening ensues, the dirty deed is dine and the dumbass bad guy has dick cancer! Soon, his willie will fall off, he’ll die a slow, painful, miserable death and Satan will welcome him to his 72
raisins virgins. Is that a brilliant plan or what?
There is one slight problem with my plan to win the War on Terror, however. A survey of horny Iranian men concluded that out of every ten, only two preferred women. Camels beware!
|Kids Playing in October (!) Snow|
Here it is the day before Halloween and we are still under a Winter Storm Warning until this afternoon. We got plenty of snow overnight but the ground was still fairly warm so the snow didn’t stick for several hours when things finally cooled down. I measured the amount of snow on the ground this morning using a highly scientific method called “My Index Finger”. This is an incredibly accurate mathematical method of measurement using units called “knuckles”. The results of this experiment revealed that we had about 4 inches on the ground and my guess is about 7 or 8 inches total. As I mentioned yesterday in this
vomit inducing drivel literary masterpiece, the historical average first snow date in Augusta, Maine is November 17. Why do I feel like this little storm is an omen of things to come? Oh, yeah. I live in New England and it snows like a two-peckered billy goat pissin’ on a flat rock every winter.
It’s Sunday, therefore it’s time to uncover some of those Dumbass Gems from the archives. Since we are picking up new readers at an
alarming amazing rate, chances are that many of you have not had to chance to read some of the older posts on Dumbass News. Then again, it could be that you just don’t give a shit about the older stuff. I shall, however, regale you with the type of articles that, thankfully, are not found anywhere else on the whole, entire internet. Besides, after reading these ‘Golden Oldies”, you’ll want to get as drunk and/or stoned as you can and use a generous portion of Brain Bleach to erase any memory of the horror you just experienced. But, hey, life is punctuated by events that shape us into what we are today – a sad bunch of pathetic dumbasses.
- Hot Rod Mobility Scooters Run Wild! – I wrote this story on Halloween Day, 2010 and it is still being sought out by dumbasses worldwide. These scooters could be the Next Big Thing in motorsports, crushing all other racing organizations in its wake. No more NASCAR. No more NHRA. No more slot cars!
- Dead People Get Gubmint Checks! – I have been fighting the United States Gubmint for my own damned money for about a year and a half down. They have been, up to this point in time, shall we say, non responsive. No, let’s don’t say non responsive, let’s say they have been fucking me over. While researchinhis article, I found a sure fire way to get my money from the Gubmint. All I have to do is DIE! Well, that’s certainly simple enough, but I’d really like to see my 9 and 4 year old daughters grow into women before that happens. But, a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do.
- San Francisco is Full of McDumbasses – It’s San Francissy. Need I say more?
Week (insert number here) of the 2011 NFL Season is about to begin, so do whatever it is that you do during football games. Like learning the “My Index Finger” method of measuring for first downs.
|Still My Team After All These Years|
Gawd, I hate fucking Oklahoma. Dumbasses.
So now I’ll do what I always do when life deals me lemons. I read about dumbasses! Join me as we tour the World of Dumbassery as it reveals itself to be the Land of Future Jerry Springer Guests!
- Pot From Stolen Truck…– A little trip to California (where else?) gives us this story of how a stolen truck loaded with marijuana wrecks and passersby, ever so civic-minded, help the Police out by stealing the pot thrown from the truck when it overturned. Ya gotta love the Land of Fruits and Nuts.
- How to Lose $425,000 Worth of Pot! – One of our All-Time most read pot stories, this is a lesson in how to lose almost a half million dollars worth of weed and sign your own death Warrant at the same time!
- A Guy Named Gus and His Ducks and Pot – What’s not to like about a guy named Gus? And ducks. And pot. I’m just sayin’.
That’s your lineup for this fine NFL and Longhorns Heartbreak Sunday. With these stories, perhaps there is some joy in Dumbassville after all.