Look what I got from the “FBI”!
It’s “official” and everything!
NOTICE FROM FBI (OFFICIAL)
4:02 PM (10 minutes ago)
It’s about time! I have been waiting for this moment for over forty years!
Five. Million. United. States. Dollars.
Suck on that, Corrupt Officials who for so long raided my account solely to enrich yourselves. You have finally been exposed for what you truly are – Big Old Meanies! But, it is I who shall get the last laugh! And I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank! Bwahahahahahahaha!
The FBI was even kind enough to load the entire 5 million onto an ATM Card! Wow! How lucky can a guy get? Hell, I even got a Fund Reference Identification Number. And I bet some of you thought I was getting ripped off. It just goes to show you how stoopid some people are. I’ll send you idjits a post card from my palatial beach home in Belize.
The best part is that all I have to do to claim the fortune that is rightfully mine is to wire via Western Union a piddling $135 to Agent Daniel Mark at the “FBI”s Field Office in Abuja, Nigeria! Color me impressed. FBI Agents in Africa are so ready to right the wrongs of those nasty old “Corrupt Officials” that they will verify my funds from half way around the world! And it’s not gonna cost me but $135.
If you still don’t believe in the veracity of this transaction, I have further proof that it’s on the up and up. Agent Daniel Mark even provided me with a valid email address (email@example.com) and a contact telephone number (234-818-865-4399). Now if that ain’t legit, I’ll kiss your ass in the middle of Downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd. Wooops! I’ve written those words twice before and they’ve and they’ve come back to bite me in my own ass both times. But not this time, Losers! Hahahaha on you!
Luckily for me, there’s a Western Union vendor at the Rite Aid a mere quarter mile from where I live! The stars have aligned for me! No more Mr. Disabled Old Guy With Two Kids Under 11 Years Old for me! I’m finally somebody! A rich somebody!
As if I need further reassurance, the FBI’s Field Office in Abuja, Nigeria sent copies of this notification to the United Nations, International Monetary Fund AND World Reconciliation Dept Agencies.
I’m filthy fucking rich and you are all a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20-drinkin’ peons. Ha!
I do, however, have one small favor to ask of you before I assume my Rightful Place amongst The Elite. If this thing doesn’t work out, could you please see clear to loan me twenty bucks? I’ll pay you back next Tuesday.
I am at the Age of Retirement. My retirement was thrust upon me due to some health issues that have reared their ugly heads over the last few years.
I have been fighting the Federal Gubmint for all the money I put into The System (Thanks, Liberal Assholes!) for over two years now. And I gotta tell you, I am not a hurry up and wait kind of guy. Part of my current situation is of my own doing, with no one or nothing else to blame but me. The rest of the blame lies squarely at the feet of the confiscatory Federal Gubmint that has way too much control over our daily lives, including our future as Old Farts. They took my money without my permission and gave it to other people thus putting me on the back burner and now I have had to hire an attorney to get my own damn money back. And after over 40 years of working, it is not a small amount of money. I won’t be rich by any means, but my family and I will live a much more comfortable lifestyle than we now enjoy once this whole charade is over and done with.
I tell you this because it ties in with today’s Dumbass News. How’s that? I could have followed the example set by a Nigerian fellow who had a plan to beat all plans for his pending retirement.
Let me splain.
Vincent Chegini Chinweuwa had a retirement plan that would set him up for life in his native Nigeria. It involved the humble roasted chicken. And cocaine. $150,000 worth of cocaine.
You see Vincent had struggled for six long years while living in Brazil with hopes of some day returning a wealthy man to his beloved Homeland, so he meticulously planned his return to Lagos. His scheme included buying cocaine so he could sell it back in Nigeria earning him a nifty profit and instant retirement.
|“Stuffed” Yard Bird|
Here’s where the roasted chickens come into play. Vincent had bought 2.6 kilos (that’s almost 6 pounds) of Brazilian toot and stuffed it into the yard birds asses hoping to sneak it past Nigerian Customs and realize his dreams of a life of luxury.
But, it didn’t work out.
Plan Gone Awry
Vincent got his coke OK and got it shoved up the roasted chickens asses. He encountered problems when he got to the airport in Lagos. It seems that during the six years that Vinny was in Brazil, Nigerian Customs Agents had undergone intensive training to be on the lookout for drug smugglers and that they had also gotten some more modern drug detection equipment to help them in their fight against narcotics trafficking.
Vince did not get the memo.
He got busted and is now awaiting trial while in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison. And by “ultra-modern” I of course mean rat-infested, urine-soaked, disease-ridden hell hole. You know, like Detroit.
This is what happens when one tries to skirt the rules when reaching retirement age. After learning of Vince’s plight, I have determined that I still loathe Gubmint Intrusion into my life and that hiring a lawyer to handle my case was not as big a pain in the ass as spending my Golden Years in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison for smuggling nearly six pounds of blow into the country. Besides, I am a White Guy and I would guess that White Guys are at a “premium” in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison. By “premium”, I of course mean “prison bitches”. I am a lot of things, some of them not so good, but “prison bitch” ain’t one of ’em.
I’ll leave the prison bitchery to Vincent Takesomeballs Tothechinweuwa.
I would, however, like a nice juicy piece of roasted chicken. Hold the coke.
We have talked before how cool the internet is and all the spiffy things you can do on it – shopping, paying bills, watching pron, etc…As good as all that stuff is, there are an equal number of bad things about the 3 Dub (that stands for “www.”; a nickname us blogging sensations use when communicating with each other) Scams, phishing, ID theft, etc. For example…
My wife got this email last night. It sounds very ominous and basically implicates her in a very serious crime. I will print it n its entireity belo then dismantle it point by point.
The Very Serious Email
- Good Day.
This is the internet fraud unit of the Interpol police, we are mandated by the British High Commission and the FBI to combat internet fraud and our monitoring device picked up several signal transaction on your server and since then we have been monitoring all your internet transaction and we have just discovered that you have been into series of transaction and we have been on the trail ever since.
From our investigation you have been into a transaction worth of millions of dollars which you have spent money on, and we discovered from our investigation that you have been dealing with the wrong people. A compensation of six hundred and fifty thousand united state dollars ($650,000.00) has been allocated to all Americans, Arabians,Europeans,canadians and Asian citizen who have been scammed and harassed on the internet. We are also been backed up by the UNITED NATIONS. We have been investigating emails been directed to selected individuals.
We want to clear your doubts; you are to continue your transaction with Robert Nicholas of the compensation payment department immediately.Please you are to notify us when you receive this email.
You are not to disclose this information to a third party as we are on the trail to get all perpetrators of cyber crime.
Thank you for your understanding
Head Internet Fraud Unit.
Sounds ominous, huh?
I would think that such letters are intended for older people who are not so internet savvy or maybe even a little off kilter upstairs.Sadly, there those who fall for this shit every day of the week. That’s almost understandable. But consider also the fact that perfectly functioning, mentally stable, smart, grown people get involved in scams like this all the time. These are the dumbasses to whom I am referring in this post.
Let’s play a Dumbass Game right now. Let us say that you received this email and were so scared that you soiled your drawers thinking that you could be in some serious shit.Fear not! Fearless Leader s here to cast aside your worries and fears! Ya Dumbass. And I say that with love in my heart.
For your sanity, not to mention your bank account, let us dismantle this fraudulent communique step by step, shall we?
This will be easy.
- The greeting of the email, “Good Day”. I may be in the minority here but if you are involved in a serious crime, I highly doubt the first words of the letter would be ‘good day”. “Hey, you rotten thieving sonuvabitch” or “Mr. Smith” maybe, but there’s no way in hell that an email of this nature begins with a sunny phrase such as “good day”.
- Interpol is indeed an international police force kind of thing. However, I don’t think that they are stoopid enough to inform a criminal suspect of their (Interpol’s) activities during a major fraud investigation. Don’t you Dumbasses ever watch James Bond movies? Geez.
- The bullshit about the British High Command: the BHC has no jurisdiction whatsoever in the United States.If I’m not mistaken, neither does Interpol..I believe Interpol is an investigative type agency. It’s headquartered in Fwance, so take it for what it’s worth. That’s not to say that Interpol is worthless, but I am skeptical of it nonetheless.
- Some of the grammatical; mistakes alone send up a red flag the size of an 18 wheeler right away. Notice “canadians” and “several signal transaction” and other stuff that leads me to believe that some guy in Nigeria is the author of this crap. The do a lot of internet scamming in Nigeria.
- The Dumbass who wrote this also says that his group is backed by the United Nations! Oh, my God! Run for the hills! Not the UN! I say, fuck the UN! Sideays. With a rusty BBQ grill brush. The UN is as useful as tits on a boar hog.
- Notify the writer upon receipt of the email. Yeah, I’ll get right on that. This deal stinks more and more by the word.
- Don’t tell anybody, you are instructed. That all by its own self says, “I am gonna rip you off so bad and so fast, you won’t know what hit you, fucking idiot.”
- “Thank you for your understandin”. If you understood you wouldn’t be Dumbass enough to fall for this fraud!
- The closing is a real beauty. “Faithfully”? Really? The only thing this asshole is faithful to is rippuing off and ripping you off bad.
There’s more, but I think you get the idea.
That’s my Public Service Announcement for this week, so please remember that the British High Command and Interpol have absolutely no jurisdiction in the United States.If the High Sheriffs (FBI, Treasury Dept.et al) think you are involved in some high tech, high-level, international fraud scheme, and have sufficient evidence, you won get an email about it, they will be knocking down your door like a Mack Truck hit it with several US Army tanks at their disposal. And they won’t be real nice when they slap the bracelets on you.
This post was almost serious. Do not make me go through this again.Got it?