Origianlly Posted April15, 2011
What’s with all the dumbass criminals today? I mean it seems like we never hear of bad guys that at least have an IQ above that of a steaming pile of dog poop. maybe that’s why so many crooks are called “shit for brains”, I don’t know. So many of the dumbasses we hear about today are the ones whose sisters and brothers are also their aunts, uncles, and cousins rolled into one. I. Just. Don’t. Get. It.
One would think that even the most dumbass of dumbasses would know that technology today is some how going to record your every damn move, especially when you commit a crime. Why in the hell do you think that the security Room at your local WalMart looks like NORAD in there? These businesses are serious about this shit. Shinki’s Nail Salon in Queens,NY is no exception. Shinki’s doesn’t have all the latest surveillance equipment, but they do have a small security camera, which I presume made it an easy target for a dumbass crook like Kevin Cheeks. Cheeks robbed the place and thought he had it made when he jumped in the owner’s van, stole it and went about his merry way. This is where technology comes into this story. The van had a GPS unit in it! Kevin’s freedom was about to become a short-lived thing. Cops used the van’s GPS to follow Cheeks all around NYC until they caught up with him and busted his sorry, criminal dumb ass. Kevin’s “reward” for robbing four people of their valuables and Shinki’s of $300 cash was to be found guilty by a jury of his peers in less than two hours. Now Kevin’s little excursion into the life of crime will cost him up to twenty years in prison.
Kevin, however, will never be lonely as our favorite inmate Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams has been notified of Mr. Cheeks’ impending arrival at prison. Leon is very excited to have some what he calls “fresh meat”, that he has a cute new nickname for Kevin when he finally gets to the Big House. Sweet Cheeks. Not Kevin Cheeks anymore. Sweet Cheeks. Sweet Cheeks, you are for the next twenty years Leon’s little play pretty. Have a nice day!
OK, Dumbasses, it’s time to to make final preparations for the arrival of the Fat Guy in the Red Suit later tonight. I have done a bit of Google Fu and come up with several web sites that track the Jolly Old Elf as he delivers goodies to all the boys and girls around the world. the most famous and popular of these sites is the NORAD site. This is one thing that the gubmint does right. NORAD has been tracking Santa on his yearly journey for many years, and I think that they are the most reliable and accurate. Here are the results of my Google Fu search prowess that might be of interest to you. It consists of a boatload of sites that keep an eye on The Fat Guy in the Red Suit during his flight. I might also suggest that one or more of your local TV and/or radio stations may also have the technology to track Santa and his reindeer. The point is that there is no shortage of resources that will help you and your kids follow Santa’s trip. Many sites also give you an approximate time that the Fat Guy in the Red Suit will be in your state, maybe even your neighborhood!
You know, I get pretty stoopid and raunchy here on Dumbass News, but right now I want to be somewhat serious.
I am so grateful to you for taking a few minutes of your time each day to lower your IQ at least five points by reading this blog. Now if you’d just hit the damn Tip Jar! It is Christmas time after all. 🙂
The Real Side
On the real side, Let me take a second to wish all you Dumbasses, Mrs. Dumbasses and all the little Dumbasses a blessed and joyous Christmas. Remember those words, “joyous” and “blessed” That’s the last time you’ll ever see them on this blog!
God bless you all.