Category: North Carolina

Commies Invade North Carolina, Put End to Town’s "Possum Drop"!

This time they’ve gone too far! And I am mad as hell!

Not a Member of PETA

The Annual New Years Eve Possum Drop in Brasstown, North Carolina is no more. The local church choirs that once sang hymns at the Possum Drop will be silent. A tribute to war veterans also becomes a casualty. After more than two decades of pure family fun, the Brasstown Possum Drop has come to an end thanks to PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and a pole cat of a judge.  

FoxNews.com fills us in: A judge ruled Tuesday that a state agency didn’t have the authority to issue a permit for the event.
“Citizens are prohibited from capturing and using wild animals for pets or amusement,” Judge Fred Morrison wrote in his ruling. “Hunters must afford wild animals the same right Patrick Henry yearned for: ‘Give me liberty, or give me death!'”
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had sued the N.C. Wildlife Resources Commission, which issues the permit for the event, saying it’s illegal and cruel. 

Clay Logan, founder of the Possum Drop festivities said the possum is well fed and cared for by a veterinarian. During the event, it is placed in a plexiglass cage and lowered for 10 seconds. Shortly thereafter, the animal is turned loose into nearby woods, he said. A new possum is used each year, in part, because of their short life spans. A 3-year-old possum is considered old, he said.
Logan said the possum drop will continue in some form, although he won’t break the law. This challenge by PETA marks at least the third time that someone has challenged the drop, he said.

What in the name of all that is Holy going on here? You’d expect this kind of shit from PETA because that’s what they do, the idiots. But an Officer of the Court quoting Patrick Henry for the benefit of a possum thus overruling the very state agency that is responsible for the maintenance and preservation of wild animals in North Carolina? The way I see it is that if the guys at the Wildlife Commission say the Possum Drop is OK, then I don’t have a problem with it. Screw PETA and the Judge.

Sure, the possum is gonna be pissed off for a little while, but it could be much worse. He (the possum, not the Judge) could have an up close and personal encounter with a Ford truck on a local highway.What then? Would PETA sue the Ford Motor Company and would the Judge issue a temporary restraining order against F-150s? The answer is yes, the shit-stirrers at PETA probably would sue Ford and only God knows what this moron of a Judge would do.

What’s next? That groundhog in Pennsylvania?

I hereby urge the fine citizens to unite against this unwanted and unethical gubmint intrusion into their God-given Constitutional right to have their yearly New Years Eve Possum Drop! This tyranny must not and will not be tolerated! The pursuit of happiness must not be infringed upon by the overreaching arm of a rogue jurist! Write and/or email your Senators and Congress Persons and express your outrage at such a blatantly lawless attempt to subvert your rights by a Judge who obviously has not seen nor read the part of the Constitution that says “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s possum!” Or something. It’s in there somewhere, trust me on this one. I implore you to rise up in look this type of unAmerican, Commie lechery square in it’s bloodshot eyes and say, “enough!” Never surrender! Use the ballot box to rid yourselves of this power hungry adjudicator! He is a pox upon your fine community!

Alternatively, you could substitute a member of PETA for the possum.

Dumbasses.

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Guy’s Testicle Squeezed Out of His Scrotum by King Kong

It’s a dangerous world out there, Dumbasses.

You can walk out your front door right now and there’s a possibility that you could be mugged, stabbed, shot, hit by a drunk driver, have your gazebos squeezed into oblivion by a mad woman – you know, the usual stuff that tends to happen to Dumbasses.

 Dumbass Code Word © Definition

Before I get into the meat (that’s a funny) of today’s story, I feel obligated to define a term of Dumbassery that I use regularly in my posts. That term is “gazebos”. When I, your Fearless Leader and Exemplar of All That is Good & Holy About Being a Dumbass, write this word, it does not refer to a round shade-producing edifice where one consumes mimosas and has brunch. First, most Dumbasses don’t even know what mimosas or brunch are. The Dumbass version of a typical gazebo, mimosas and brunch are warm beer, 8:30AM and the tailgate of an old pickup truck rusting away in his front yard.

Back to “gazebos”. I got a comment in a post a few weeks ago that appeared (by the manner in which it was worded) to come from across The Pond. The commenter said he (I assume it was a guy) was unfamiliar with my use of the word “gazebos” and needed some clarification on the matter. For those of you who are new to the Dumbass Horde, “gazebos” is a Dumbass Code Word © for testicles. Nuts. Balls. Gonads. Family Jewels. Huevos. Or in the case of the Fwench, BBs. You get the picture.

“It”

It Came for His Gazebos

As is with the story in the link in the opening paragraph, today’s selection is about gazebo squeezing. In the previously linked story, a Chinese lady went Bruce Lee on some poor guy and put his gazebos into such a grip that he later died from his injuries. Today’s victim of gazebo grabbing wasn’t lucky enough to die after he was neutered by a pissed off female. And judging by the mugshot, the term “female” is used very loosely. The chick in that photo looks more like Dennis Rodman, who, rumor has it, is into having his gazebos squeezed. But, I digress. The thing in the photo is Joyce Maxine Gregory of Shelby, North Carolina.

Joyce is 35 years old and was chillin’ with a 59 year old guy at his crib when, for whatever reason, it she went ape shit on him. The Guy went outside to call 911 to report the disturbance whem Joyce caught up with him and grabbed him by his gazebos. The Dennis Rodman Look-a-like Gazebo Death Grip promptly ensued. This was no ordinary Dennis Rodman Look-a-like Gazebo Death Grip, however. Joyce had such a hold on this man’s huevos (see definition above) that she literally squeezed one of them out of his scrotum! This, by the way, can not be a pleasant experience.

Hangin’ By a Thread

Quoting a Police document here, “Officer M. L. McPherson stated in his report that the victim’s “scrotum had been split open,” adding that, “I was also able to observe one of the subject’s testicles protruding from the scrotum area.”
Police also observed “blood on the floor of the porch and the siding of the residence.”

Luckily, The Guy won’t suffer any permanent damage to his gazebos or nut sack, but I am willing to place good money on the fact that the mental scars from this gazebo grabbing will not heal for quite some time.

Or until The Guy gets drunk enough to hang out with another female that looks like Dennis Rodman.

The Guy has serious “issues”.

Wee Wee, Madamoiselle

Once the cops arrested King Kong Joyce Gregory and got her into a zoo cage squad car, she further proved her femininity by dropping trou and pissing all over the back seat.

Joyce has been charged with a bunch of Serious Shit like assault inflicting serious bodily injury and malicious castration. I think that means it she squeezed a gazebo out of The Guy’s bag without permission. Or something.

Class act that Joyce.

Dumbass.

Thanks to the Weird News Dumbasses at HuffPo with a hat tip to Mrs. Fearless Leader.

Moonshine- An Essential Bigfoot Tracking Tool

Is This Creature a Slim Whitman Fan?

Mankind has been in search of mythical creatures for hundreds of years. Sea monsters, the Loch Ness Monster and his American Cousin, Champ over in Vermont, the Chupacabra (Goat Sucker for all you Gringos out there) of South Texas, you name it, man has looked for it. One of the most enduring and endearing legends of dumbass looking “monsters” is that of Big Foot, Yeti or Sasquatch, depending on which culture you ask – Dumbass White Guy Culture, the Chinese or American Indians. each one has a stale of similar beasts roving the Northern Hemisphere from China to the Pacific Northwest of the USA.

Now some dumbass old man who has sought out Bigfoot for decades(!) has arranged another research expedition in search of my mother-in-law the legendary beast. This waste of hard earned cash, I mean, scientific exercise will take place in North Carolina. the main Expedition Dumbass Guy is Michael Greene who has said that his “previous encounters with Bigfoot — also known as Sasquatch and Yeti in the folklore of different cultures — include hearing the creature roar and capturing thermal imaging footage of a 7-foot-tall creature with no discernible neck…”. Where I come from we call these encounters being shitfaced drunk and/or married. But, I am a dumbass Redneck, so what do I know. I’ll tell you what I know! I know about being married as I have partaken of such on more than one occasion and I damn sure know about being shitfaced drunk. I must confess that I was much better at being shitfaced drunk than at being married. Anyway, our Bigfoot researcher, Brother Dumbass Greene has a plan that will with unquestioned certainty will finally prove the existence of this non-existent animal!

After reading that statement, you’d think that Brother Dumbass Greene had the most advanced technology available to men of his er, uh, “stature” in his quest for Bigfoot. But no!!! Here are Greene’s own words as stolen borrowed from the UPI story:

“Usually,” Greene said of his previous Bigfoot hunts, nothing at all happens. But you hear roaring in the bushes. They’ll pitch rocks into camp, but they never hit anybody. Greene said his team will try to root out the Sasquatch with low-tech methods such as banging on trees with baseball bats and leaving candy bars at their campsite.” In his statement, Greene left out the most powerful in his Bigfoot Searching Arsenal – moonshine! That will make something happen! Trust me on this one, folks. A couple of gizzard-warming shots of Mountain Dew will make you see Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, Jesus and all sorts of other creatures and apparitions. After due consideration, I have deemed this little junket a success no matter if Bigfoot is found or not. Smoky Moutain Soothin’ Syrup is guaranteed to make any critter-finding field trip worthwhile!

Besides the low-tech approach to this experiment, Brother Dumbass Greene has unwittingly added more tools to his baseball bats,candy bars and moonshine – hallucinations and nekkidness. A snort or two of Hillbilly Sody (spelling intentional) Water and Brother Dumbass Greene and his colleagues will be dancing around the camp fire buck ass nekkid singing the Best of Slim Whitman at the top of their lungs. I just hope that Bigfoot is a Slim Whitman fan, too. Happy hunting, Senor Greene!

Dumbass.

Fightin’ (No, Really) for the Lord!

Non-Baptist Young People

Man! I don’t kniow what alien genetic mutation has taken over my body, but it has done a fine job of it. I am still sick as hell. There is good news , however. I was the very first one in our little apartment community to come down with whatever it is and since that time, I have spread it to the masses! Yes! I have created an epidemic just by saying “hello” to my neighbors. Now, they won’t even pass in front of my apartment without a can of Lysol or a Toby-like VooDoo doll. But at least they leave me the hell alone! See? There is an upside to this whole sick like death thing. Anyway, this story was first posted last February and I thought I could use some Old Time Religion to make me feel better. Here ya go….

On a recent Sunday, dumbass members of the Greater New Zion Baptist Church in Fletcher, North Carolina had a meeting – fists meeting noses, fists meeting jaws…A fight broke out during a church service! Amen! Talk about standing up for the Lord! But, I have this sneaky feeling that the Lord was not amused that a brawl broke out during a worship service. At least they weren’t dancing. <—-A little Baptist humor there.

It took policemen from five different agencies to quell this mini-riot of about 75 people. I am operating on the assumption that the Greater New Zion Baptist Church is made up of a fairly conservative group of parishoners. I base that on the fact that a) they are Baptists and b) they are in North Carolina. I don’t think you’ll find many Liberals in the congregations of churches like Greater New Zion. I’m just sayin’. But what in God’s name would bring people attending church services to come to blows with one another? I certainly don’t know the answer and so far neither do the cops. Maybe some Duke University grads went to the church which is attended by U of North Carolina Alums, with the intention of having a hymnal raid. You know what I mean…a hymnal raid is like a panty raid except it’s not as “naughty” and is surely nowhere near as fun. Or maybe the Duke guys wanted to dance with the UNC graduate Church Ladies. Worse yet, maybe the Duke guys wanted to have sex with the UNC Church Ladies while they were standing up! This is totally unacceptable! Having sex while standing up could lead some people to believe that they were dancing! (That’s my allotment of Baptist and dancing jokes for one column) Regardless, these people are dumbasses. If they would have been Catholic, holy mackerel (!), the penance would have been to say at least 100 “Hail Marys” and to clean up after several meetings of the Knights of Columbus. The latter part of this penance is most extreme. have you ever seen the aftermath of a Knights of Columbus meetings? Alas, the group in question is strictly a Baptist one and the punishment will be quite different, but no less severe. This congregation will have to now sit down in front of their televisions and watch a full hour of Paul Crouch and his hair, on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a fate worse than sliding down a 100 yard long razor blade and landing in a pool of rubbing alcohol. A terrible penalty indeed, but at least they won’t have to dance. Or have sex standing up. Dumbasses.

At Least There Will be No Dancing!

Non-Baptist Young People

On a recent Sunday, dumbass members of the Greater New Zion Baptist Church in Fletcher, North Carolina had a meeting – fists meeting noses, fists meeting jaws…A fight broke out during a church service! Amen! Talk about standing up for the Lord! But, I have this sneaky feeling that the Lord was not amused that a brawl broke out during a worship service. At least they weren’t dancing. <—-A little Baptist humor there.

It took policemen from five different agencies to quell this mini-riot of about 75 people. I am operating on the assumption that the Greater New Zion Baptist Church is made up of a fairly conservative group of parishoners. I base that on the fact that a) they are Baptists and b) they are in North Carolina. I don’t think you’ll find many Liberals in the congregations of churches like Greater New Zion. I’m just sayin’. But what in God’s name would bring people attending church services to come to blows with one another? I certainly don’t know the answer and so far neither do the cops. Maybe some Duke University grads went to the church which is attended by U of North Carolina Alums, with the intention of having a hymnal raid. You know what I mean…a hymnal raid is like a panty raid except it’s not as “naughty” and is surely nowhere near as fun. Or maybe the Duke guys wanted to dance with the UNC graduate Church Ladies. Worse yet, maybe the Duke guys wanted to have sex with the UNC Church Ladies while they were standing up! This is totally unacceptable! Having sex while standing up could lead some people to believe that they were dancing! (That’s my allotment of Baptist and dancing jokes for one column) Regardless, these people are dumbasses. If they would have been Catholic, holy mackerel (!), the penance would have been to say at least 100 “Hail Marys” and to clean up after several meetings of the Knights of Columbus. The latter part of this penance is most extreme. have you ever seen the aftermath of a Knights of Columbus meetings? Alas, the group in question is strictly a Baptist one and the punishment will be quite different, but no less severe. This congregation will have to now sit down in front of their televisions and watch a full hour of Paul Crouch and his hair, on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a fate worse than sliding down a 100 yard long razor blade and landing in a pool of rubbing alcohol. A terrible penalty indeed, but at least they won’t have to dance. Or have sex standing up. Dumbasses.