Category: NYC

Need an Excuse for Being Gone for 2 Weeks? Fake Your Own Kidnapping!

Kidnappers’ Tool of Choice

A terrible thing happened to Rahmell Pettway.

He was kidnapped.

Last Thursday passersby found Rahmell sitting between two parked cars on the streets of New York City. His mouth, legs and hands were bound by duct tape and he complained of pain in his ribs.

The Police were notified and Rahmell told them the tale of his abduction. He told the cops that two guys in a blue minivan had kidnapped him and held him for two terrifying weeks moving him from place to place around the Big Apple.

However, NYC’s Finest soon became skeptical of Pettway’s story. With good reason.When The Law found Rahmell, a roll of duct tape was still dangling from his wrist!

A confession to this fakery soon followed.

Why would Rahmell go to such extraordinary lengths and concoct such an elaborate hoax?

He didn’t want to tell his girlfriend why he was gone for those two weeks! He was afraid that she’d kick his ass! Of course we all know that faking our own kidnapping is a sure fire way to avoid an ass-kickin’ from our sweetheart.

I know that Mrs. Fearless Leader would be most compassionate if I suddenly disappeared for a couple of weeks. She’d be compassionate enough to change the locks on the door and leave a note for me to contact a friendly neighborhood divorce lawyer. Child support and punitive alimony would soon follow.

Disappearance Advice

Guys, it’s really very simple.

If you don’t want to be with your girlfriend/wife, just tell her. There are a number of ways to do this.

  • Tell her the red dress she just spent $400 on makes her ass look like the rear end of a ’65 Buick.
  • Question her personal hygiene habits. Use phrases like “smells like albacore tuna”. IYKWIMAITYD.
  • Start wearing her panties and that $400 red dress. 
  • Demonstrate a sudden fixation for interior decorating.
  • Plaster your home office walls with posters of RuPaul.
  • Comment how studly Ryan Secrest is.
  • Boink a farm animal. 

Kidnapping, schmidnapping.

Man up!

Dumbass.

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Gun Free Zones Are Now Word Free Zones in NYC Schools!

STFU!

Best of Dumbass News

New York City. The Big Apple. The Greatest City in the World. Give us your poor, your tired, your dumbasses.

NYC was once the greatest city on Earth. Now a days it’s turning into San Francisco East, without all the homo stuff being their main “attraction”. By that I mean that New York City is turning into a nanny state faster than you can say I love New York. For example…salt on fast foods. Banned. Trans fats. Banned. Rush Limbaugh and his millions? Now in sunny South Florida. Glenn Beck and his broadcasting empire? Gawn to Big D. Is it the water? No. But it could be the schools.

What’s the Problem Here?

The NYC school department has notified firms that produce testing materials for New York schools to not use certain words and phrases in tests. Are we talking about words like “fuck”? No. “Bitch” or “ho”? Uh uh. Then what exactly are the offending words or phrases banned from these exams? Put some kind of padding on your desk to cushion the blow to your chin when it smacks against your desk top. Like we say in Texas, “You ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Village of the Banned

Like lepers cast away into the furthest reaches of the land, the following lingo has been exiled into the Funk and Wagnalls Wasteland of Words.

Here’s a partial list from theblaze.com:

  • Dinosaur – apparently people who don’t believe in evolution might be offended
  • Halloween – rumored to support Paganism and that bothers some
  • Birthday – Jehovah‘s Witnesses don’t celebrate birthdays, so nobody else should know about it… right?
  • Dancing – unless it is ballet dancing
  • Computers – if mentioned as being in homes… use in schools and libraries is ok

More from The Blaze: “Topics like divorce and disease are to be avoided, because a student taking a test could be the child of a split marriage or might have a sick relative. Mentions of wealthy people could create jealousy. Poverty is also off limits, as poor or non-wealthy kids could be offended.”

Here’s a video from abc7 in New York that goes into a bit more detail.

Oh, Boy! It’s My Turn!

I am gonna go down the list above and put in my Dumbass Opinion. This is gonna be fun!

Dinosaur – So it tweaks those who don’t believe in evolution? Who. Gives. A. Shit? Not me. You don’t have to believe in evolution to understand that the Earth is not only 5 or 6000 years old. Hell, Phyllis Diller is that old! Then again, the idiots that this word offends are probably Jehovah’s Witnesses anyway. And who cares what those turds believe in? Oh, wait! These are the same dip sticks that don’t believe in birthdays either! If they don’t count birthdays, then how in God’s name could they understand the concept of “millions” of years? Oh, yeah, they can’t. Screw ’em. They don’t count.
My Verdict: Dinosaur and birthday stay in the tests and the Jehovah’s Witnesses get banned to New Jersey.

Halloween Paganism? Yes, Halloween was once a Pagan holiday of some sort. That’s a fact. I ain’t gonna go into the history of Halloween, but you are welcomed to do so at Wikipedia. Besides, the broads not wearing masks on Halloween are prolly too ugly to nail anyway.
My Verdict: The Catholic Church says Halloween is OK. If the Pope says it’s cool, it’s cool. I gotta go with him on this one. So put masks on the ugly bitches get loaded and give ’em a good treat for Halloween. IYKWIMAITYD. Same for guys, too. I ain’t a sexist.

Dancing – Ballet? Are you kiddin’ me? That stuff is Homo City. Very cool stuff, but girly. Let the kids do some headbangin’. They’re kids for cryin’ out loud. BTW, the reason mayor Bloomberg doesn’t make whoppie standing up is because someone might think he’s dancing. I’m just sayin’.

My Verdict: Bloomberg and the people who run this testing program for NYC schools need to get laid. Just not standing up.

Computers – Whoever came up with this one should have his hard drive cut off with a rusty DVD.
My Verdict: I’ll offer a reward of 23 cents for video proof of a “de-hard driving”.

NYC – The Big Dumbass

I am not labeling the people of New York City as dumbasses, just the fucking asswipes who came up with all this politically correct bull shit. These nincompoops have no business potty training a kid, much less teaching them the 3 Rs. Fire ’em all. Every. Damn. One. Of. Them. Bring in some Honest-to-God “teachers” and administartors that have the best interests of the children they are teaching first. And fuck the NEA or whatever piece of doo doo union these “teachers” are a part of. But that’s another story for another day.

One more thing…there are over FOUR DOZEN words on the Not On NYC-DOE Tests List.

And here’s a single word that says it all to the New York City Department of Education. It’s Number 1 on my list.

Dumbasses.

Michael Bloomberg, Elitist Pendejo

Best of Dumbass News

I wrote this post on September 5, 2011. Nothing has changed. Except the date. So keep this as a reminder of what Liberal asshats think of “ordinary” Americans.

Then get mad and stay mad.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how New York City Mayor Michael “I am a Liberal Elitist Douchebag” Bloomberg excluding the true heroes of 9/11 from the 10th Anniversary Remembrance ceremony of that horrible day. Just when you think mayor Bloomingasshole can’t become more of a dickweed than he already is, he proves us wrong.

Mayor Pendejo has even drawn laughs of derision from Spanish speaking New Yorkers. Rachel Figueroa-Levin (does that name remind anyone else of Juan Epstein?) has created a Twitter account, El Bloombito, that mocks and ridicules El Bloombito (The Little Bloom…bwahahahahahaha) and his attempts at pandering to the beaners, spics, wetbacks, pick a slur, in The Manzana Grande (Big Apple). This is how Hizonner looks upon the Latinos in his own city, as second rate people and second class citizens who need his Divine Guidance to understand that a hurricane is on the way. El Bloombito doesn’t do anything without expecting something in return, so his clusterfuck of an attempt at Spanish is just another in a long line of efforts to suck up to a particular group of potential voters. See the link in the first line of this post. He has already thrown the first responders of 9/11 under the bus to curry favor with the goat fuckers with whom he does bidness. You know who I’m talking about. “Middle Easterners”. And I don’t mean the Jews, of which he is one. Money and control are the only things  El Bloombito understands. Loyalty and doing the right thing are foreign concepts to this power-hungry JINO. By the way, we are talking hundreds of millions of dollars of bidness the Maricon in Chief of NYC does with these cretins.

As you have seen, Michael Bloomberg is a small man in more than just stature. He looks down on his “inferiors” with disdain and contempt, which is the trademark of a Liberal Elitist Snob Douchebag Pencil Neck Geek With More Money Than Integrity or Brains.

Hey, Bloombito, I am one of your worst nightmares…a Texan, Catholic White Guy who just happens to speak pretty fluent Spanish. You have for the last time offended a group of people whom you see as nothing more than the trash in your waste basket. I know their culture, lifestyle, traditions and language. they won’t take such insults layin’ down. they may not understand English as well as you or I, but I can tell you what, asshole, they know an insult when they see one…in any language. So fuck you.

Pendejo.

Dumbass.

Generalissimo Bloomberg Bans BOBs in Big Apple! Kind Of

New York City and Mayor Michael Bloomturd have gone too far this time.

It all started with transfats, then salt and large fountain sodas as targets of Hizzoner’s I am a God Syndrome, now this vicious attack on Freedom has moved on to vibrators. Citizens of the Big Apple revolt!

Mayor Bloombito, Commie 

Mayor Michael Bloomingidiot of NYC is not a stoopid man. he’s a Commie Dumbass, but he is not a stoopid guy. he didn’t get to be a billionaire by being ignunt, so I figure he must have made a deal with Satan in order to achieve his riches and his power. That’s the only logical explanation.

As you’ll recall, His Highness started down the road to being a dictator by banning trans fats in restaurants throughout New York City. Then salt became the villain du jour. As if that ain’t enough of this Little Man’s Crusade to Run Your Life, he stepped in and decreed that soft drinks at eateries all over the city would not be sold in containers holding more than sixteen ounces.

At this point. you gotta wonder what the fuck is next?

Horny Wimmin & Homos Unite!

Now we know.

Buzz Kill 

The Daily Mail (London) reports, Shoppers were tingling with excitement when they spotted stalls handing out free vibrators yesterday.
Around 1,000 people – male and female – joined the queues across New York to get their hands on the sex toys.
Crowds downtown were left frustrated however, when city officials pulled the plug on the traffic-stopping event after only 40 minutes.”

Go read the entire article here and I’ll wait for you to return.

I Have Questions 

Fearless Leaders do not become Fearless Leaders by sitting idly by while the horny wimmin (and homos) of the biggest city in the country are denied their Constitutional right to self pleasure using battery operated boyfriends. That’s why I lead the Dumbass Horde, not follow it. 

I have a few very pointed (I said pointed, bwahahahahaha) questions for mayor Bloomingfuckwad.

  • Blocking traffic? Are you fucking serious? In NYC? That’s about as difficult as finding a homo in San Francissy.
  • What is your problem with horny wimmin and homos?
  • What have you got against vibrators? You appear to have one up your ass 24/7.
  • What have you got against Trojan? Wait, you have no “manhood” or balls so at least I can see your point here. You feel left out. Except for the vibrator up the ass part.
  • Why don’t you buy stock in Dura Cell and endorse the fake dick giveaway? You could make another fortune!
  • Use lubricant on your personal BOB and your asshole won’t be so chapped all the time.

I think these are fair questions that deserve, nay demand answers!

So whaddya say, Mayor? Grow a pair. Answer to the people you supposedly represent! Especially the horny wimmin and homo constituency. It’s your duty.

I guess we can be thankful that the BOBs in question were not salted 32 ounce dipped in lard toys. There’s no tellin’ what His Hiney-ness would have done.

Dumbass. 

Back Seat Boinking in the Big Apple!

Curb Service

Parking bans. We get a lot of those up here in the Top Right Hand Corner of the Country, mostly in the winter. If we are expecting or have experienced enough snow to justify putting the city Snow Plow Guys to work, there will be an overnight parking ban lasting until about 7 or 8 o’clock the next morning, generally speaking. Those who ignore these parking bans will wake up to find their car towed to the nearest impound lot, or if the Snow Plow Guy didn’t get “some” the night before, he may just plow your automobile along with the freshly fallen snow. Either way, when the city says “parking ban”, they mean “parking ban”.

That’s just a part of life here in New England. That and hoping that the Snow Plow Guy got “some” before the blizzard hit. I’m just sayin’.

NY Neighborhood Wants a Parking Ban

There’s a New York City neighborhood along West 30th Street between 7th and 8th Avenues in Midtown in which residents of the area are begging for a parking ban. Not because of snow and plowing, however. The situation involves “gettin’ some”, but sadly not for the NYC Snow Plow Guy. The ones “gettin’ some” are patrons of two neighborhood night clubs.

You see, on the weekends, people are going to these gin joints looking to get drunk and laid. No biggie, right? Wrong. They are getting intoxicated and porked but that’s not the problem. The problem lies in the fact that these inebriated Dumbasses are getting laid in the back seats of their cars. Which are parked up and down the streets of the neighborhood!

I can see where the residents of this Midtown ‘hood might take exception with such activity. Not that people are humping each other like rabbits on aphrodisiacs, but the fact that these drunk asswipes are turning the area into a peep show for the locals. And the locals do not all this public fornication going on right in the streets where they live. If the people who live here want to see unbridled Mad Monkey Sex up close, they’ll do what any other red blooded New Yorker would do – spy on their neighbors as they make whoopie. These folks have scruples ya know.

My understanding is that type of behavior takes place on the weekends, so knowing when to confront the problem is already known. The challenge is to come up with something that will discourage Drunk Hineys Bobbing Up and Down in Back Seats as it happens. To me, this is a lemon – lemonade kind of thing. I choose to make lemonade.

Here’s how.

Lemonade

Take notes, I am gonna go through this one time and one time only.

It’s simple, really. On weekend nights when the drunks are screwing in front of God and everybody, I suggest to the residents of the area that you make it as uncomfortable as possible for the Dumbass Fuckers to do what they do. This objective can be met in a number of ways.

Way No. 1 – If the Back Seat Boinkers have no problem having sex in public, make it very public! 


Draw a crowd. A noisy crowd. With video cams. And YouTube accounts. I could be wrong, but I am of the mind that if any of these idiots were to know that they would be seen playing “Back Seat Bingo” on the internet, then one of two things would happen.

  • First Thing: The offending couple would be embarrassed as hell knowing that their little foray into curbside porn would be seen by people all over the world. In this case, the thrill of thinking that you are the Ron Jeremy of Parallel Parking <snicker> would be gone faster than you could say “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. Spielberg.”
  • Second Thing: Nothing will make Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm lose his “enthusiasm” like being observed by people, strangers no less, who will critique his every move like Michael Moore scrutinizes Twinkies. Very. Closely. With great attention to detail.

Of course, there are many other suitable methods that would be effective in putting a stop to bullshit like this, but I am merely trying to get the ball rolling here. Screw (pun intended) the parking ban, take some fucking action, people! You are New Yorkers, not Cal-ee-forn-yans! Show some of that infamous NYC Intestinal Fortitude! Grow a damn pair! You’ve got to take matters into your own hands! (another intended pun)  Do you honestly think Mayor BloomingIdiot gives a damn about this stuff? Hell no! Instead of parking bans, he’s too fucking busy issuing trans fat bans. No self-respecting New Yorker would never depend on some one else, especially your current Head Honcho, to solve his problem. If you are waitin’ on City Hall to do something, then you are closer to being Cal-ee-forn-ya than you realize.

As for the dickweeds doing the dirty deed on neighborhood streets: Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

Dumbasses.




Fake Cop Turns Tricks on Hookers

Dead Giveaway

Dumbasses run the gamut of the human experience – from the poorest of the poor to the heights and glory of the Presidency of the United States. Somewhere between those two extremes lie cops and also hookers.  Both make regular appearances on the pages of Dumbass News. Today’s story features a policeman and his pursuit of ladies of the evening.! Oh, the anticipation of it all is killing me, so let’s not waste another moment before getting down to the nitty gritty.

The Nitty Gritty

On at least four occasions since the first of the year, a dumbass named William Taylor has posed as an NYPD officer. Taylor was targeting hookers, threatening to throw them in the slammer. Unless they performed sex acts on him. He used his status as a “police officer” the coerce those poor whores into doing something they wouldn’t ever do. Work for FREE! I’m sure they’d gladly give a little tit for tat with a real cop, but how dare a fake policeman take advantage of these poor defenseless sluts! What ever will they do for crack money now?!

Apparently one of the prostitutes that Taylor had played “hide the 38 snub nose pistol” with called the hooker version of 9-1-1 (6-9-6-9?) and complained that turning an extra trick each week to recoup her lost income was not good on the old “groceries”. It also cut into her cocaine use by 10%. But dammit, all work and no play makes Shaniqua a bored harlot.

NYPD Ain’t Happy

After laughing their asses off and knockin’ out a couple of dozen Dunkin Donuts, the NYC cops thought about the call for a minute and said, “Hey! Some dumbass is out there stealing our free hookers! Next thing you know he’s gonna be getting free coffee and eclairs at our favorite pastry shops! Something must be done!” Being a police officer is very often a thankless job and when some fake cop is getting all the free tunnel of love and possibly donuts too….well, it’s more than a public servant can’t take. So, they did something. No, they did not put up a 24/7 stakeout on local donut joints, they did actual police work.

Our man William, the El Fake-o Cop, enjoyed the company of one of his coke-addled hoes that he gave her his cell phone number! Because he wanted to be her pimp! I am not now a fake cop (or pimp), nor have I ever been one or played one on TV, but leaving your cell phone number with someone you have basically raped is not a very good idea. The NYPD had the same idea as me and began looking in earnest for William. After polishing off another few Dunkin Munchkins.

The Big Apple’s Finest caught up with William and slapped enough charges on him that his new prison bitch name will be “Sparky”, IYKWIMAITYD.

Epilogue

William Taylor the fake cop of New York City is a blight on humanity and should be dealt with accordingly within the parameters of the law. I think we can all count on the fact that William will be a favorite of many of his new house mates at Sing Sing.

Fart like a man while you can, William, soon you’ll just go “poooooofff” when you break wind. Have a nice day.

Dumbass.

Giant TV is a Giant Headache for Some New Yorkers

BFT

The Big Apple has a big TV problem. Big to the tune of a 6000 square foot digital TV on top of the Port Authority building, 8th Avenue and West 42nd Street. Residents of the neighborhood are, shall we say, a little miffed. No we shall not say “a little miffed”, we shall say highly pissed off. Let me splain.

The Splainin’

The problem with this 6000 square foot behemoth is that it is turned on….24 hours a day, 7 days a week playing ADS for various businesses. During the nighttime hours, this thing must cast a helluva light around the area. According to the people who live near the giant TV say it keeps them up at night because of the pulsating lights emitted by the BFT (Big Fuckin’ TV). You know how it is when a regular TV is on in a dark room of your house? The flashing and blinking as the shows and commercials change scenes and all that? It’s almost as if a cop car is Code 3 right in your living room, lights and siren ablazin’. And that’s from what, a 40 incher? Just think what 6000 square feet of LCD would do. It must look like the Apocalypse or some shit.

What Residents Say

One funky old dude offers us this: “It’s flashing, flashing, flashing all the time, like lightning or having the paparazzi chasing you in your living room,” said Wilmer Hernandez, 74, a 40-year resident of the neighborhood. My cats don’t know what’s happening. They’re jumping around and looking all over the place trying to figure out where the light’s coming from. It’s funny, but it’s not funny.” Oh, yeah, fucking hilarious. If you want teh funnay, Wilmer, get your cats loaded just about dusk, then sit back, grab a cold beer and enjoy the entertainment. You’ll be amazed at what a feline on catnip will do. Imagine Bobcat Goldwaithe on acid. Get the picture? It’s hours of fun and except for the cost of the catnip, it’s FREE, too!

The Other Rest of the Story

In all fairness, the Port Authority does dim the BFT by 40% at night as to not cause too much commotion. But, there is one small problem with that plan. It’s a 6000 fucking square foot TV, you axlerods! What the hell are you dumbasses thinking? Good old Wilmer the Funky Old Dude and his cats, not to mention other residents in the area, are losing sleep, dealing with the flashing of the BFT’s screen and their animals are going ape shit. Can’t some sort of compromise be reached? Speaking of compromises, I just happen to have the foundation for one. It should appease the PA and the folks who live near the BFT. Why not turn the BFT off at 11pm or midnight and crank that bitch back up at, say, 6am. That way people can get some shut eye and the Port Authority could still flash their annoying ads. See how easy that was? I’m a Dumbass and came up with that. Couldn’t you assholes at the PA have done something like that a long time ago? No! Because you are uncaring bastards who don’t give a shit about people! Especially good ole Wilmer

The Wrap-Up

I know this is New York City we’re talking about here, but what dipshit in his right mind is gonna see an ad for Peter Pan Bus Lines (an actual client of the BFT) at 2am and say, “Ya know, Honey, I was just thinking how much we need to get away from the Rat Race and the noise and pollution of the City. So, first thing at the crack of noon tomorrow, I’m gonna call Peter Pan Bus Lines can do for us!” It ain’t happenin’.

My suggestion to the Port Authority is to come up with a plan like I outlined above or face the wrath of Wilmer, his cats and other pissed off Yankees. This is not a good thing. Also, it would be a terrible thing if Wilmer or one of his neighbors bought a 12 gauge shotgun and it were to “accidently” discharge eighteen or twenty times while aimed, unintentionally, at the BFT. But that would never happen, <snort> this is NYC, the city that never sleeps. Especially when there’s a 6000 square foot TV playing at all hours.

Dumbasses.