Category: Ogden

The Moose, the Swing Set & the Dumbass

Best of Dumbass News

I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for “weird news”. You see HuffPo’s “Weird News” often translates to Fearless Leader’s Dumbass News. So, it’s cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don’t plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see “Weird News”, I see Dumbassery.

So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today’s story idea, HuffPo.

Moose-sylvania

Fluffy the Moose

As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into – literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That’s two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.

It’s a mess.

Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.

Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he’s a dangerous sonuvabitch.

Back Yard Bullwinkle

Today’s Dumbass Moose Story doesn’t, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.

From HuffPo: “A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff’s deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, “If something happens to me, give this to my wife.”

Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways…

  1. The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
  2. He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
  3. The moose was tangled up. “Tangled up” meaning “trapped’, “cornered”, “unable to flee”. Bad mojo.
  4. The second most important word in the paragraph above is “distressed”. A “distressed” moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he’s being jacked with.
  5. The most important word, and by “most important” I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
  6. One wrong move and the “give this to my wife” moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples’ air.
  7. The cop is a Dumbass.

From the mouths of Dumbasses, “I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do,” he said Wednesday. “Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn’t seem threatened.” What. The. Fuck.
See 1 – 7 above.

More from the cop: “Pretty crazy stuff,” he said. “This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last.”

I. Am. Speechless.

Almost.

Dumbass.

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The Story of the Moose, the Swing Set & the Dumbass

I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for “weird news”. You see HuffPo’s “Weird News” often translates to Fearless Leader’s Dumbass News. So, it’s cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don’t plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see “Weird News”, I see Dumbassery.

So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today’s story idea, HuffPo.

Moose-sylvania

Not Named “Fluffy”

As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into – literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That’s two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.

It’s a mess.

Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.

Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he’s a dangerous sonuvabitch.

Back Yard Bullwinkle

Today’s Dumbass Moose Story doesn’t, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.

From HuffPo: “A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff’s deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, “If something happens to me, give this to my wife.”

Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways…

  1. The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
  2. He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
  3. The moose was tangled up. “Tangled up” meaning “trapped’, “cornered”, “unable to flee”. Bad mojo.
  4. The second most important word in the paragraph above is “distressed”. A “distressed” moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he’s being jacked with.
  5. The most important word, and by “most important” I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
  6. One wrong move and the “give this to my wife” moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples’ air.
  7. The cop is a Dumbass.

From the mouths of Dumbasses, “I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do,” he said Wednesday. “Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn’t seem threatened.” What. The. Fuck.
See 1 – 7 above.

More from the cop: “Pretty crazy stuff,” he said. “This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last.”

I. Am. Speechless.

Almost.

Dumbass.

The Give and Take of Dumbass Karma

A Minefield in Waiting
I woke up this morning in hopes of it all being a bad dream, a side trip to the Twilight Zone. Alas, it was not to be. It was real. As real as the credit card bills sure to follow. Now that’s real. 
I am talking about this morning, the day after Christmas. I was awakened like somebody took a Louisville Slugger to my skull. Pow! Right in the kisser! Actually it was Bailey the 4 Year Old with a still-unwrapped, fresh, new toy from Santa. In a minute or two, she brought in another one. Then another one. Goodbye, nice, warm, comfy fancy schmancy bed, hello cold as hell downstairs computer chair and the real world. Once downstairs, I skillfully navigated a veritable minefield of Christmas toys scattered about the living room, stumbling over a Hot Wheels Race Track but gracefully maintaining my balance like I meant to do it. Ha! Pure luck and like the old saying goes, “I’d rather be lucky than good any day.” 
Nice People and a Blue Streak
Today’s story takes place in, of all the places on Earth, in Ogden, Utah. Utah has got to have the sweetest people in the world living there. If a Utahn says,”Oh, darn it!”, he has cussed up a blue streak according to the Sweetest People in the World Utah Almanac, Chapter 2, “Cussing Up a Blue Streak in Utah”. You can only imagine the scorn heaped upon a Utahn if he were to blurt out “boobie” or something. It’s not a pretty sight, I can assure you. Anyway, on to the story.
The Story
These two guys in Ogden were not members of the Sweetest People in the World Club, they were thieves. The guys got busted for doing their Christmas shoplifting early this year. A store security guy caught the two crooks and cited them for stealing make up (?) and some other stuff totaling about $26 and lets them go. So they head back to their truck which was parked near-by, empty-handed, embarrassed and busted.  Could anything go wrong that would be worse than that? Are you kiddin’ me? This is Dumbass News, of course something more humiliating is gonna happen!

Christmas Karma
So the two dumbasses make it back to their truck only to find out…wait…for…it…the truck had been burglarized! I ain’t makin’ this up! I would have given a million dollars to have seen the looks on these two idiots’ faces. Talk about a new MasterCard commercial! I can see it now. Shoplifting, $26. Court fees and fines, $300. The look on the faces of shoplifters whose truck had been broken into, priceless. It’s kinda funny how life has a way of smacking you down and calling you “Shorty”, especially if you just got nailed for stealing. Who ever said that God doesn’t have a sense of humor must be an atheist. “Cause this is damn funny! bwahahahahahahahahahaha
The Public Excoriation of Two Morons
The Dumbass Salute!
If you live in or near the Ogden, Utah area, you can participate in a fun-for-all game called Humiliate Stoopid as a Spitwad Criminals! This game entitles players identify and roundly and loudly denigrate ignoramus thieves like Kori Vanhouten and Eldon Alexander. These guys are the two Einsteins who pulled off the Dumbass Daily Double of getting busted for stealing and getting and being stolen from in a span of about five minutes. Congratulations, men! You have accomplished something as rare as hen’s teeth and a million times more embarrassing. I salute you!
Dumbasses.