Category: Ohio

Nekkid Golfers, Mice-a-Roni & Dead Guy Dots The "I" at Ohio State

Mice-a-Roni

Best of Dumbass News

 
‘Tis the Sabbath and it’s gonna be a busy one here at the Dumbass Dome. Believe it or not, I am gonna do some gardening, indoors of course. For new readers, I live in Maine therefore November is not the best time to grow shit. Being the mule headed sumbitch I am, I like to try to do shit under adverse conditions just to see if I can make it work. I will make it work. Hence, gardening in November in Maine. I will prolly plant some cool weather stuff like lettuce. I would try to grow some warm weather crops, but my wife is a native Mainer and likes the house kept colder than a well digger’s ass in January. Adios good stuff like tomatoes and peppers until spring time. Asi es la vida.

Here is some stuff that doesn’t require heat, but it is loaded with fertilizer bullshit.

  • College Golf Team Poses for Nekkid CalendarThese dumbasses posed nekkid for the calendar, but they hid their gazebos with golf clubs. It’s funny stuff, so it’s worth the read just to see how many golfing metaphors I can use in lieu of cuss words.
  • Dead Guy Dots the EyeThis is a rather timely story, it being football season and all. This is the tale of a dead guy that pays his last respects to the Ohio State University by dotting the “i”. Read it to see what I mean.
  • Mice-a-Roni!Thank God this story wasn’t about Hamburger Helper. 

That’s a pretty good lineup for perusal during beer commercials for the NFL games being broadcast today, especially the “Dead Guy “I” dotter.

Here’s something that I should do every day, but I am a Dumbass and for whatever reason(s),  just forget to do it. In the side bar to the right you’ll find several buttons where you can follow me on several social media sites. Please do so! Don’t forget that I am a 55 year old guy who has 9 and 4 year old daughters who need something new, like shoes, clothes and all that shit, every 10 minutes. Well…it seems like every 10 minutes. And Christmas isn’t that far away. Having said that, also in right sidebar you’ll see a “Donate” button. I know times are tough for so many dumbasses worried about their own families, but if you can donate a dollar or two (any amount is welcome), it would make a Middle Aged Dumbass very happy and grateful. I guess I could use the direct approach to this donation thing as well.  

 
Dumbass.
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Dumbass Busted for Humping Plastic Raft!

Edwin, Humper of Rafts

Best of Dumbass News

If you have read even a single post on this blog, you know that there are some real weird people on Planet earth. I mean some real weird people. I call them dumbasses as you well know. However, once in a while a dumbass comes to my attention that goes beyond dumbassery into the world of mentally challenged. Take today’s dumbass for example.

There’s a guy named Edwin Charles Tobergta who was recently busted for one of the most sickening and strange things I have ever heard of. His crime? Indecent exposure. But good ole Edwin was not committing just any form of showing his tallywhacker in public. He was caught performing a sex act on a, get this, “pink swimming pool accessory”. It turns out that the “pink swimming accessory” was an inflatable raft. How a grown man has sexual activity with an inflatable swimming raft is beyond me, but Edwin was going hard and heavy at it. Thank God the story from UPI doesn’t go into further detail. However, with the information provided we can deduct that Edwin is a bona fide dumbass. And a pervert. At first, Edwin tried to flee the cops but it’s probably not easy to make a clean getaway with your ding dong stuck in a plastic raft. Even if Edwin had made his escape, it would be equally difficult to explain to others why your manhood is stuck in a “pink swimming accessory”.

At this point I have some questions. Where in a swimming raft would Edwin put his pee pee in order to perform a sexual act? Second, does that mean that Edwin has a pencil dick? You get the picture. You also get nauseous just thinking about it. In the name of decency (of which this blog has none, even if we knew what it meant), I will not further elucidate.

What will be Edwin’s next sexual conquest? Rubber duckies? Malibu Slut Barbie? Spaghetti-Os? I shall be vigilant in keeping up with this story by occasionally reading the online version of the Hamilton Journal News. I would hate to see Edwin made fun of or be assaulted, but that’s Hamilton, Ohio for those you who would like to heap ridicule, scorn and brass knuckles upon Edwin Charles Tobergta.

On the other hand, Edwin’s friends and family know exactly what to get him for Christmas.

Dumbass.

Longhorns, Aggies, Cursing Dolls & Dumbass of the Year Nominees

Adios Aggies

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone and we are steamrolling our way like Michael Moore after a triple decker bacon cheeseburger towards one of the Holiest days on the Christian calendar. I am speaking, of course, of New Years Eve! Yes, fellow Dumbasses, New Years Eve, a day when even the most devout among us partake of the Devil’s Water and perform stunts that they would condemn to hell anybody else who reveled in such a demonic way. Yes, this same self-righteous bastard who would wish you an eternity of wailing and the gnashing of teeth, will be running around on New Years Eve with a lamp shade on his head, his gazebos exposed in all their glory to reveal a temporary tattoo that reads “2012”.Let’s just hope for the dumbass’ sake that nobody tries to “pull the string” to see if “2012” lights up. I’m fairly certain that the idiot would light up like the National Christmas Tree if “the string were pulled”. I’m just sayin’.

What I am Thankful For

I am thankful you, fellow Dumbasses, each and every one of you from 120 countries around the globe. From Afghanistan to Zimbabwe and all countries and letters of the alphabet in between, I love you all. Even the Aggies. Side note for Aggies: 27-25. Have fun getting your asses handed to you in the SEC next year. It was fun for 118 years. Tradition-killing assholes. And I say that with love in my heart. Hook ’em Horns!

We now return you to your normal Dumbass Programming…I never knew that there that many dumbasses in that many countries. Now if I could get a few of you dumbasses in each of those 120 countries to support me in my effort to bring you the finest Dumbass News & Commentary to be found on the web. By support, I don’t mean moral support, I mean hit the damn “Donate” button on the top right of the sidebar. I’m not asking for $100 a month from you. $5 a month from a lot of you would “encourage” me enough to continue writing this shit despite what PETA and Moose Limbs think. Remember, I am your Standard Bearer, your Fearless Leader, the only guy you know who’s stoopid enough to write this drivel on a daily basis and I am the Head Dumbass! Besides, I need a new laptop. The one I am using now was ruined when I spilled Spam Soup all over the keyboard and into the guts of the machine. It ain’t a purty sight.

One More Quick Thing –  Don’t forget soon we’ll be naming our 2nd Annual Dumbass of tthe Year before you know it, so go through the blog archives and pick out your nominee. Email nominations to realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com or leave them in the comments. There are dozens of worthy candidates for this prestigious honor, so choose carefully, grass-hoppah.

  • The Cursing Doll. A Dumbass Christmas gift if there ever was one. Read about the little bimbo right here.
  • Do your neighbors complain that your big ass flat panel TV and home theater system are disturbing them at all hours? Show the whiny bastards this story , then tell them to shut the fuck up and be grateful that they don’t live near that monstrosity.
  • There are few people more rude and sneering, knowing they have your life in their hands, than state DMV workers. Ohio DMV  employees are the cream of the crop, or as we in Dumbassville say, the green turd in the punch bowl. 

Get those Dumbass of the Year nominations in soon and enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend. And hit the damn “Donate” button!

Dumbasses.

Nekkididity, Dead Guy Dots the "I" and Mice-a-Roni!

Mice-a-Roni

‘Tis the Sabbath and it’s gonna be a busy one here at the Dumbass Dome. Believe it or not, I am gonna do some gardening, indoors of course. For new readers, I live in Maine therefore November is not the best time to grow shit. Being the mule headed sumbitch I am, I like to try to do shit under adverse conditions just to see if I can make it work. I will make it work. Hence, gardening in November in Maine. I will prolly plant some cool weather stuff like lettuce. I would try to grow some warm weather crops, but my wife is a native Mainer and likes the house kept colder than a well digger’s ass in January. Adios good stuff like tomatoes and peppers until spring time. Asi es la vida.

Here is some stuff that doesn’t require heat, but it is loaded with fertilizer bullshit.

  • College Golf Team Poses for Nekkid CalendarThese dumbasses posed nekkid for the calendar, but they hid their gazebos with golf clubs. It’s funny stuff, so it’s worth the read just to see how many golfing metaphors I can use in lieu of cuss words.
  • Dead Guy Dots the Eye – This is a rather timely story, it being football season and all. This is the tale of a dead guy that pays his last respects to the Ohio State University by dotting the “i”. Read it to see what I mean.
  • Mice-a-Roni! – Thank God this story wasn’t about Hamburger Helper. 

That’s a pretty good lineup for perusal during beer commercials for the NFL games being broadcast today, especially the “Dead Guy “I” dotter.

Here’s something that I should do every day, but I am a Dumbass and for whatever reason(s),  just forget to do it. In the side bar to the right you’ll find several buttons where you can follow me on several social media sites. Please do so! Don’t forget that I am a 55 year old guy who has 9 and 4 year old daughters who need something new, like shoes, clothes and all that shit, every 10 minutes. Well…it seems like every 10 minutes. And Christmas isn’t that far away. Having said that, also in right sidebar you’ll see a “Donate” button. I know times are tough for so many dumbasses worried about their own families, but if you can donate a dollar or two (any amount is welcome), it would make a Middle Aged Dumbass very happy and grateful. I guess I could use the direct approach to this donation thing as well. Hit the fucking tip jar, Dumbass!  🙂

Man Busted for Humping Plastic Raft

Edwin, Lover of Rafts

If you have read even a single post on this blog, you know that there are some real weird people on Planet earth. I mean some real weird people. I call them dumbasses as you well know. However, once in a while a dumbass comes to my attention that goes beyond dumbassery into the world of mentally challenged. Take today’s dumbass for example.

There’s a guy named Edwin Charles Tobergta who was recently busted for one of the most sickening and strange things I have ever heard of. His crime? Indecent exposure. But good ole Edwin was not committing just any form of showing his tallywhacker in public. He was caught performing a sex act on a, get this, “pink swimming pool accessory”. It turns out that the “pink swimming accessory” was an inflatable raft. How a grown man has sexual activity with an inflatable swimming raft is beyond me, but Edwin was going hard and heavy at it. Thank God the story from UPI doesn’t go into further detail. However, with the information provided we can deduct that Edwin is a bona fide dumbass. And a pervert. At first, Edwin tried to flee the cops but it’s probably not easy to make a clean getaway with your ding dong stuck in a plastic raft. Even if Edwin had made his escape, it would be equally difficult to explain to others why your manhood is stuck in a “pink swimming accessory”.

At this point I have some questions. Where in a swimming raft would Edwin put his pee pee in order to perform a sexual act? Second, does that mean that Edwin has a pencil dick? You get the picture. You also get nauseous just thinking about it. In the name of decency (of which this blog has none, even if we knew what it meant), I will not further elucidate.

What will be Edwin’s next sexual conquest? Rubber duckies? Malibu Slut Barbie? Spaghetti-Os? I shall be vigilant in keeping up with this story by occasionally reading the online version of the Hamilton Journal News. I would hate to see Edwin made fun of or be assaulted, but that’s Hamilton, Ohio for those you who would like to heap ridicule, scorn and brass knuckles upon Edwin Charles Tobergta.

On the other hand, Edwin’s friends and family know exactly what to get him for Christmas.

Dumbass.

Kentucky Fried Felonies!

Today’s venture into Dumbass Land is one for the books. This story is up there with the best of them, including the drunk lady who attacked a cop with a sex toy and the nekkid mail guy from yesterday. Unlike those two dumbasses who acted alone in their dumbassery, today’s Dumbass News feature involves a whole family! After all, it is the holiday season when families should be spending time together and doing all sorts of family activities, right?

A dumbass family in Akron, Ohio, like millions of families around the country were getting together to celebrate the birth of our Lord. That’s when the Ghost of Dumbass Present came a knockin’. Two brothers and their mother were enjoying a little fried yardbird when all Hell broke loose. Brother #1 accused Brother #2 of taking a bite from a piece of chicken and throwing it back on the plate. This is unacceptable behavior, except in Kentucky where this is called “sharing”. Well, Brother #2 took offense at the suggestion that he would do something so rude and unsanitary, after all Akron is a few hundred miles north of Kentucky. At this point, like a true gentleman, Brother #1 invited Brother #2 outside for a good old country ass kickin’ a friendly discussion of what had transpired. Brother #2 agreed and outside they went. Once outside, a lively discourse took place then Brother #2 excused himself from the debate in order to retrieve a crowbar. He then proceeded to pound Brother #1 about the head, shoulders and the upper extermities of his body. In other words, Dumbass #2 cracked open Dumbass #1’s skull with the crow bar. Dumbass #1 then bled a lot, Brother #2 split before the law could get there and Mom admitted to being the unrefined wench who took a bite of the piece of chicken and putting it back on the plate! A dumbass family trifecta! Maybe Akron is closer to Kentucky than I thought. But I digress.

Brother #1 was taken to the hospital and after bleeding a lot then getting patched up, was free to go home with Mom and review the events of the day. It was determined that Brother #2 was not only a dumbass, but a felon as well, Brother #1 is a pussy who let his little brother crack open his skull like a baker cracks open an egg and Mom is a dumbass for putting a used chicken leg back on the plate and keeping her mouth shut while felonies were being committed in her front yard.

Thus ends our tale of a happy family in Akron, Kentucky Ohio. Dumbasses.

Dumbass Health Department Guy Almost Ruins Man’s Business

Boy, this is getting to be fun! What is getting to be fun? What’s getting to be fun is city governments doing dumbass things to innocent people. Let me re-phrase that. It’s getting to be fun if you’re not one of the innocent citizens who are being put through hell by an incompetent city officials. Allow me to elucidate, if you please.

This guy named Kenny owns a pizza joint in Fairfield County, Ohio. Our hard-working pizza joint entrepreneur shows up for work one day only to find a “Closed” sign on his business door. It was from the dumbasses at the County Health Department saying that Kenny’s place was shut down due to the fact that Kenny was delinquent in paying his license fee (that means tax, folks). Problem numero uno: Kenny was not behind in paying his tax! Problema numero two-o: A “Closed” sign put on your restaurant door by the dumbasses at the Health Department is the death knell for your business. Brother Kenny was not happy about this. As a result of this “mistake” (mistake! bwahahahahahahahaha that’s a good one! hahahahahaha)…Now that I have quit laughing my ass off, I’ll continue. As a result of this incompetence “mistake”, Kenny’s business for the weekend was down almost 70 %! 

The administrator at the Health Department, Larry Hanna, said, “We have apologized profusely.” I’m sure Kenny feels the love in that dumbass statement. My question to Mr. Hanna is, What about the money Kenny lost because some illiterate dumbass put the sticker on the wrong business, asshole? You guys gonna make up for that???!!! Hell no, you’re not, you bumbling dumbass! Oh, it gets better. Hanna had more reassuring words for Kenny and other businesspeople in Fairfield County. Check out this shit. Hanna said he has developed a policy to prevent the mistake from reoccurring. I’ve got a question for you, Lar ole Buddy. Why the fuck was this policy not in effect in the first place? Dumbass. I understand that mistakes happen, but that’s not the problem here. The problem is that the Fairfield County Health Department mistakenly put this “Closed” sign on Kenny’s pizza parlor, and he ended up taking a financial bath because of it. When any government agency is required to do something that takes away a man’s income, you had damn well better make sure that you have the right fucking business, dumbass!

I know we have many readers of this blog in the Columbus, Ohio area and I’d like to ask a favor of you. Sometime in the near future, please order a pizza from Kenny at Papa Foti Pizza in Millersports. Kenny is located near Buckeye Lake and is abot 30 miles east of Columbus, so it would be a nice, relaxing drive out to see Kenny and show him some support in wake of his travails with the Health Department dumbasses in Fairfield County. Look here. I’ll do you a soild and even link to Kenny’s website and to Mapquest, so it’ll be easy for you to get there or know what you want to order for delivery if you live inj Papa Foti Pizza’s delivery area. I’ve done all the work for you, so there’s no excuse to not help Kenny out when you get a chance. One more thing…please tell Kenny that the dumbasses here at the blog wish him well and if he needs our help in ridiculing or exposing the dumbasses he’s been dealing with, to please drop me an email at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. Thanks a million!

Kick ass and take names, Kenny! The Dumbass Army is behind you !!!