Category: OKC

Gun Control: Dumbass Buys Illegal Gun, Promptly Shoots Self in Genitals!

Shot in Number 3
Best of Dumbass News 
 
“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Beautiful words, those. That visionary statement is the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

There are, of course, exceptions to the Amendment. Like convicted felons owning guns and that sort of thing.

Which brings us to today’s story.

Big No No

Tavares Donnell Colbert is one of the exceptions to the 2nd Amendment in which I alluded to earlier. He is a convicted felon having been found guilty of possession and intent to distribute a controlled substance. Therefore, no pistola for Senor Colbert.

But Mr. Colbert, being the Dumbass Drug Dealer and convicted asswipe that he is, has no desire nor compunction to obey the law. Hell, he just spent a stretch in the Big House, and I feel safe in saying that he probably didn’t take any civics classes while he was locked up. But, I am merely speculating.

To further bolster my argument, let me fill you in on the fact that Tavvy-poo illegally bought a weapon off the street some where in Kansas.

This is where the fun begins.

The Fun

From what I ascertain, Tav was planning his next big bidness venture in the Wonderful World of Narcotics Capitalism, when he thought it would be a good thing to test out his ill-gotten gun before actually committing a crime. So he got on Interstate 35, found a nice private place to bust a few caps.

Then he promptly shot himself in his Manhood.

My source story doesn’t get specific about whether Tavares blasted himself in the gazebos or in Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm. As a member of the Male of the Species, I can unquestionably tell you that neither the gazebos nor Willie are the most preferred place in which to suffer a gunshot wound. Anytime. Especially at close range. That’s gotta leave mark.

With his genitals now resembling shredded wheat, “T” drove himself to the hospital where he received emergency care for his ding-a-ling and his huevos. Plus! As an added bonus he also got a visit from the Oklahoma City Police Department. See, when injury by a firearm is involved in an ER visit, hospitals are required by law to notify law enforcement.

Upon seeing the evidence at hand (see what I did there?), the OKCPD did their duty and escorted Tavares Donnell Colbert to the OKC Facility for Dumbasses Who Shoot themselves in the nuts sack.TDC’s next big adventure will include many years behind bars and an up close and very personal relationship with the Dumbass News Official Adopted Felon, Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams, iykwimaityd.

It appears that Prison Bitch-hood will suit Tavares well. Instead of testing an illegal firearm, he’ll be testing “long barrelled “pistolas”. And the elasticity of his bung hole.

Dumbass.

Advertisements

The Liberal Way to Get Rich: Make $60K a Year by Begging!

Hiya, Dumbasses! For today’s story, I want you to take notes. Yes, notes. I am going to present to you a way to knock out about $5000 a month. That’s 60 Large a year. get a pencil and paper, a cup of coffee, a poster bard and a Sharpie. This is going to be the easiest $60,000 a year you ever pulled in.

No, I am not selling anything nor am I asking you to buy anything. This is an honest to goodness safe and legal way to make a decent living doing nothing. By “nothing”, I of course mean “panhandling”. Begging. Asking people to give you money and you are obligated in no way to reciprocate the charity. You ask. They give. Easy, huh?

Beggars

We have all seen these guys in towns and cities all across the country. You know the ones. The guy who looks like he last had a shower in 1962 holding a sign that says something like, “Need $$$$ for Gas and Food”. Your friendly neighborhood WalMart store is a prime piece of real estate for these Dumbasses. So is a busy traffic intersection.

In my youth, I would be traveling somewhere in Texas on one of the Interstate Highways and see guys and gals standing on the side of the highway with people zipping by in automobiles at a 75 miles per hour clip. The hitch hiking Dumbass would be holding a small hand written sign that had his destination scribbled on it. For instance, I’d be headed south bound in I-35 from Dallas to Austin and some fool would be planted on the shoulder of the Interstate holding a piece of cardboard with the word “WACO” scribbled on it meaning he wanted to hitch a ride to Waco. I had a perfect answer for these maroons in the form of a bumper sticker that read “No Gas, No Grass, No Ass, No Ride”. And I meant it, too.

I knew the lazy fuck would have no money, so that’s one strike against him. Sometimes a hitcher would have a little weed to share so he’d hop in, we’d get high and he’d get to Waco. Women hitch hikers? I never expected nor wanted any ass from them, I just thought it was a funny way to end a bumper sticker’s pithy saying. There weren’t a helluva lot of females thumbing for rides, but if there was, I’d generally pull over and take her as far as I was going or to her destination, which ever was closer. If the chick looked like she was hungry, I’d stop and buy her something to eat and at the end of the ride slip her a few bucks and wish her good luck, wonder if she’d ever make it to where she was headed. I hope so.

Note Taking Time

I think I misspoke when I said get a pencil and paper earlier. I forgot for a moment that I am dealing with Dumbasses here. I meant to say “Get a crayon and some paper” with which to take notes. Or Doodle. Or eat the crayon. Like I give a shit.

Anyway, there’s a guy named Shane Warren who never hits an honest lick (for you Yoopers, that means he’s a shiftless bastard who doesn’t have nor want a job) and brings home the bacon to the tune of sixty thousand dollars a year! Sixty. Grand. A. Year. Things could be worse here. What is it that allows Shane to rake in the cheese at this rate? He’s a panhandler. A beggar. A lazy sonuvabitch. But a very successful lazy sonuvabitch.

This Dumbass does so well at making money of the generosity of others that, according to BusinessInsider, he makes about the same amount of money a year as an architect, appraiser or computer programmer analyst. This seems to bolster President YouDidn’tBuildThis’ argument that the private sector is doing OK. Now if we could just get the welfare cheats (I am talking the cheaters here, not everybody on assistance) and other lazy asswipes to start begging from someone besides the gubmint, the economy would be so hot it would spit sparks moving forward.

Shane Warren, $60K/year Beggar

Oh, yeah. Each day that Shane spends begging for food and travel money, he pays $200 for a panhandling permit, which he says is no problem. No shit?

Wasted Money

This story makes me think of my friends back home. People who went to trade school or college or something like that and have jobs that provide a service to their communities. People like Clay, who runs his own insurance agency. Or my dear sweet Anna (one of my favorite people EVER) who teaches Spanish and English to the white kids and Meskins. Or Joe the roofing guy, who is there in the hottest heat and the coldest cold repairing holes in roofs all over North Texas simply because people need it done – now. I think about these friends and about how they have sacrificed time and money helping others while guys like Shane Warren let others help him at a $5000 a month rate.

Some will say that Shane is a worthless dickweed sponging off the kindness of strangers while others will say he’s brilliant and is doing nothing wrong or immoral. Shady? Maybe.

I say that he’s got a great gig going on. He ain’t forcin’ anybody to throw some loose change in his direction, he’s just holding up a sign. When the well runs dry, Shane will get thirsty and will find some other way to quench his parched throat. I say more power to him. He ain’t rippin’ off taxpayers and he ain’t hurtin’ kids. Plus he’s carving out a pretty good existence for himself. I hope the IRS doesn’t bust his ass.

What do you think? Is Shane a crook? A genius? An Asshole? Tell us in the comments.

Crook, genius, asshole…I don’t know. But I do know that Shane Warren is my kind of guy.

A Dumbass.

***Photo courtesy koco.com***

7

Make $5000 a Month the Easy Way! Beg!

Best of Dumbass News

 Hiya, Dumbasses! For today’s story, I want you to take notes. Yes, notes. I am going to present to you a way to knock out about $5000 a month. That’s 60 Large a year. Get a pencil and paper, a cup of coffee, a poster board and a Sharpie. This is going to be the easiest $60,000 a year you ever pulled in.

No, I am not selling anything nor am I asking you to buy anything. This is an honest to goodness safe and legal way to make a decent living doing nothing. By “nothing”, I of course mean “panhandling”. Begging. Asking people to give you money and you are obligated in no way to reciprocate the charity. You ask. They give. Easy, huh?

Beggars

We have all seen these guys in towns and cities all across the country. You know the ones. The guy who looks like he last had a shower in 1962 holding a sign that says something like, “Need $$$$ for Gas and Food”. Your friendly neighborhood WalMart store is a prime piece of real estate for these Dumbasses. So is a busy traffic intersection.

In my youth, I would be traveling somewhere in Texas on one of the Interstate Highways and see guys and gals standing on the side of the highway with people zipping by in automobiles at a 75 miles per hour clip. The hitch hiking Dumbass would be holding a small hand written sign that had his destination scribbled on it. For instance, I’d be headed south bound in I-35 from Dallas to Austin and some fool would be planted on the shoulder of the Interstate holding a piece of cardboard with the word “WACO” scribbled on it meaning he wanted to hitch a ride to Waco. I had a perfect answer for these maroons in the form of a bumper sticker that read “No Gas, No Grass, No Ass, No Ride”. And I meant it, too.

I knew the lazy fuck would have no money, so that’s one strike against him. Sometimes a hitcher would have a little weed to share so he’d hop in, we’d get high and he’d get to Waco. Women hitch hikers? I never expected nor wanted any ass from them, I just thought it was a funny way to end a bumper sticker’s pithy saying. There weren’t a helluva lot of females thumbing for rides, but if there was, I’d generally pull over and take her as far as I was going or to her destination, which ever was closer. If the chick looked like she was hungry, I’d stop and buy her something to eat and at the end of the ride slip her a few bucks and wish her good luck, wonder if she’d ever make it to where she was headed. I hope so.

Note Taking Time

I think I misspoke when I said get a pencil and paper earlier. I forgot for a moment that I am dealing with Dumbasses here. I meant to say “Get a crayon and some paper” with which to take notes. Or Doodle. Or eat the crayon. Like I give a shit.

Anyway, there’s a guy named Shane Warren who never hits an honest lick (for you Yoopers, that means he’s a shiftless bastard who doesn’t have nor want a job) and brings home the bacon to the tune of sixty thousand dollars a year! Sixty. Grand. A. Year. Things could be worse here. What is it that allows Shane to rake in the cheese at this rate? He’s a panhandler. A beggar. A lazy sonuvabitch. But a very successful lazy sonuvabitch.

This Dumbass does so well at making money of the generosity of others that, according to BusinessInsider, he makes about the same amount of money a year as an architect, appraiser or computer programmer analyst. This seems to bolster President YouDidn’tBuildThis’ argument that the private sector is doing OK. Now if we could just get the welfare cheats (I am talking the cheaters here, not everybody on assistance) and other lazy asswipes to start begging from someone besides the gubmint, the economy would be so hot it would spit sparks moving forward.

Shane Warren, $60K/year Beggar

Oh, yeah. Each day that Shane spends begging for food and travel money, he pays $200 for a panhandling permit, which he says is no problem. No shit?

Wasted Money

This story makes me think of my friends back home. People who went to trade school or college or something like that and have jobs that provide a service to their communities. People like Clay, who runs his own insurance agency. Or my dear sweet Anna (one of my favorite people EVER) who teaches Spanish and English to the white kids and Meskins. Or Joe the roofing guy, who is there in the hottest heat and the coldest cold repairing holes in roofs all over North Texas simply because people need it done – now. I think about these friends and about how they have sacrificed time and money helping others while guys like Shane Warren let others help him at a $5000 a month rate.

Some will say that Shane is a worthless dickweed sponging off the kindness of strangers while others will say he’s brilliant and is doing nothing wrong or immoral. Shady? Maybe.

I say that he’s got a great gig going on. He ain’t forcin’ anybody to throw some loose change in his direction, he’s just holding up a sign. When the well runs dry, Shane will get thirsty and will find some other way to quench his parched throat. I say more power to him. He ain’t rippin’ off taxpayers and he ain’t hurtin’ kids. Plus he’s carving out a pretty good existence for himself. I hope the IRS doesn’t bust his ass.

What do you think? Is Shane a crook? A genius? An Asshole? Tell us in the comments.

Crook, genius, asshole…I don’t know. But I do know that Shane Warren is my kind of guy.

A Dumbass.

***Photo courtesy koco.com***

Want to Make $60K per Year? Beg!

Hiya, Dumbasses! For today’s story, I want you to take notes. Yes, notes. I am going to present to you a way to knock out about $5000 a month. That’s 60 Large a year. get a pencil and paper, a cup of coffee, a poster bard and a Sharpie. This is going to be the easiest $60,000 a year you ever pulled in.

No, I am not selling anything nor am I asking you to buy anything. This is an honest to goodness safe and legal way to make a decent living doing nothing. By “nothing”, I of course mean “panhandling”. Begging. Asking people to give you money and you are obligated in no way to reciprocate the charity. You ask. They give. Easy, huh?

Beggars

We have all seen these guys in towns and cities all across the country. You know the ones. The guy who looks like he last had a shower in 1962 holding a sign that says something like, “Need $$$$ for Gas and Food”. Your friendly neighborhood WalMart store is a prime piece of real estate for these Dumbasses. So is a busy traffic intersection.

In my youth, I would be traveling somewhere in Texas on one of the Interstate Highways and see guys and gals standing on the side of the highway with people zipping by in automobiles at a 75 miles per hour clip. The hitch hiking Dumbass would be holding a small hand written sign that had his destination scribbled on it. For instance, I’d be headed south bound in I-35 from Dallas to Austin and some fool would be planted on the shoulder of the Interstate holding a piece of cardboard with the word “WACO” scribbled on it meaning he wanted to hitch a ride to Waco. I had a perfect answer for these maroons in the form of a bumper sticker that read “No Gas, No Grass, No Ass, No Ride”. And I meant it, too.

I knew the lazy fuck would have no money, so that’s one strike against him. Sometimes a hitcher would have a little weed to share so he’d hop in, we’d get high and he’d get to Waco. Women hitch hikers? I never expected nor wanted any ass from them, I just thought it was a funny way to end a bumper sticker’s pithy saying. There weren’t a helluva lot of females thumbing for rides, but if there was, I’d generally pull over and take her as far as I was going or to her destination, which ever was closer. If the chick looked like she was hungry, I’d stop and buy her something to eat and at the end of the ride slip her a few bucks and wish her good luck, wonder if she’d ever make it to where she was headed. I hope so.

Note Taking Time

I think I misspoke when I said get a pencil and paper earlier. I forgot for a moment that I am dealing with Dumbasses here. I meant to say “Get a crayon and some paper” with which to take notes. Or Doodle. Or eat the crayon. Like I give a shit.

Anyway, there’s a guy named Shane Warren who never hits an honest lick (for you Yoopers, that means he’s a shiftless bastard who doesn’t have nor want a job) and brings home the bacon to the tune of sixty thousand dollars a year! Sixty. Grand. A. Year. Things could be worse here. What is it that allows Shane to rake in the cheese at this rate? He’s a panhandler. A beggar. A lazy sonuvabitch. But a very successful lazy sonuvabitch.

This Dumbass does so well at making money of the generosity of others that, according to BusinessInsider, he makes about the same amount of money a year as an architect, appraiser or computer programmer analyst. This seems to bolster President YouDidn’tBuildThis’ argument that the private sector is doing OK. Now if we could just get the welfare cheats (I am talking the cheaters here, not everybody on assistance) and other lazy asswipes to start begging from someone besides the gubmint, the economy would be so hot it would spit sparks moving forward.

Shane Warren, $60K/year Beggar

Oh, yeah. Each day that Shane spends begging for food and travel money, he pays $200 for a panhandling permit, which he says is no problem. No shit?

Wasted Money 

This story makes me think of my friends back home. People who went to trade school or college or something like that and have jobs that provide a service to their communities. People like Clay, who runs his own insurance agency. Or my dear sweet Anna (one of my favorite people EVER) who teaches Spanish and English to the white kids and Meskins. Or Joe the roofing guy, who is there in the hottest heat and the coldest cold repairing holes in roofs all over North Texas simply because people need it done – now. I think about these friends and about how they have sacrificed time and money helping others while guys like Shane Warren let others help him at a $5000 a month rate.

Some will say that Shane is a worthless dickweed sponging off the kindness of strangers while others will say he’s brilliant and is doing nothing wrong or immoral. Shady? Maybe.

I say that he’s got a great gig going on. He ain’t forcin’ anybody to throw some loose change in his direction, he’s just holding up a sign. When the well runs dry, Shane will get thirsty and will find some other way to quench his parched throat. I say more power to him. He ain’t rippin’ off taxpayers and he ain’t hurtin’ kids. Plus he’s carving out a pretty good existence for himself. I hope the IRS doesn’t bust his ass.

What do you think? Is Shane a crook? A genius? An Asshole? Tell us in the comments.

Crook, genius, asshole…I don’t know. But I do know that Shane Warren is my kind of guy.

A Dumbass.

***Photo courtesy koco.com***

Okies Steal Money Raining from the Sky

He Made a Wrong Turn at Little Rock

Let’s say that you were taking a leisurely drive, listening to some Merle Haggard on major Interstate Highway like, for instance, I-40 near Oklahoma City. Why anyone would want to be near OKC baffles me, but on one recent day even OKC was a great place to be, despite the large number of Okies and dumbasses (but I repeat myself) that live there. I mean even the saddest Merle Haggard song can’t help you forget that you are in Okla-fucking-homa City, although “The Bottle Let Me Down” is a good one to start with. Jack Daniels is optional. As Joe Bob Briggs, World Famous Drive-In Movie Critic and Redneck Spiritual Guru used to say, “let’s get to the nitty”.

The Nitty: There were a bunch of Okies and poor lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock driving down I-40 when all of the sudden there was money flying all over the place! Real US Legal Tender for cryin’ out loud. Now, even Okies and lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock have an affinity for the good old American Greenback, so they did like any bunch of dumbasses would do if there was cheese (money) raining from the sky. They slammed on the car brakes right in the middle of a major Interstate Highway and jumped out to help Police and Firefighters gather the lost loot to return the cash to the rightful owner. And by helping first responders I mean stealing the money like a hooker snortin’ blow at Charlie Sheen’s house. What happened was that somehow a bag of money (police estimate about $30 Large) was ejected from a car traveling I-40 and a clusterfuck of Okies and lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock proceeded to do their civic duty and become felons by scooping up as much of the errant money as possible. You really can’t blame the Okies and lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock for doing what they did, because the economy sucks. And they are Okies. Not to rag on Okies, but they are kinda like the Lost Tribe of Israel. They ain’t quite Texans and they ain’t quite Kansans, kinda stranded in No Man”s Land. These people weren’t delivered to the Promised Land by Moses, they were dumped in Okla-fucking-homa by Jim Bob Jumpback. Enough said.

I almost fell over backwards, which since I quit drinking would be quite a feat, when I read a quote from one of the EMS Guys at the scene of the whole Episode of the Flying Cash. These words are a direct quote that the EMS Guy made in the UPI article where I found this story. Sit down if you are prone to fall over when you laugh like a sound track to a 60s sitcom. The money quote: “It just kills me to think that somebody lost this thing. What if somebody was taking this to a hospital to pay for their surgery?” EMS Guy said. I did not make that up. Not to cast judgement on my fellow man but this guy is a true Okie. He also needs a little surgery done as well. A little snip snip to his gazebo sack. Voila! No more little Okies from this Einstein. Unless of course he was, at one time, one of the lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock and ended up in the void that is OKC.

Dumbass.