cultists in members of the Dumbass Horde, myself included, have reached a point in life where our Sunset Years are not that many sunsets away.
I, personally, am very close to needing to turn on the porch light in order to see through the dusk. My constant companion, Artur Itis, has, however, been kind enough to supply me with one of those curly-q CFL porch lights. How magnanimous of him.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something, someone to give me hope and inspiration as I transition from Middle Aged Curmudgeon to Full Blown Old Fart. I am ecstatic to tell you, my Beloved Dumbass Horde, that I have found my Seasoned Citizen Guru in, of all places, Oklahoma.
Darlene Mayes, Granny Role Model
Darlene is special. At age 73 she is an entrepreneur who has struck it rich in her chosen endeavor. Her business encompasses several states including Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, and Kansas. As a matter of fact, Granny’s bidness supplies a full forty per cent of her product to this region.
Unfortunately, Darlene’s bidness ran into a major roadblock recently and was forced to unexpectedly shut down. Tax problems? Nope. The bad economy? Her product is basically recession-proof, so that ain’t the deal. The culprit in bringing Darlene’s to a screeching halt was the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics!
Let me splain.
The Herb Superb
You see, Granny Mayes’ wasn’t selling hand knitted quilts or Afghans or even crocheted doilies for Chrissake. She was selling POT! Latin Lettuce! Mari-fucking-juana! She was what the law enforcement community calls a Drug Kingpin. I. Shit. You. Not. This sweet, innocent looking Little Old Lady was responsible for selling millions of dollars and thousands of pounds of weed in at least four states!
When Darlene and her “bidness associates” were busted by the Law, she was in possession of four pounds of pot, a semi-auto pistol and a revolver. Not to mention $276,000 in cash! one her her pot dealers was her son who was popped with several thousand dollars in cash and two LBs (pounds) of potential Manually Assembled Relaxation Devices (joints, fatties, Meskin Marlboros, etc.).
According to the HuffHuffPassPass Post, when the heat went into Darlene’s house “cops found the supply in her bedroom, which reeked of weed. A vacuum-sealed bag full of the stuff was found in the closet, and bundles of bills labeled “$15,000″ were found under her box spring. They found a pipe and another bag of weed in the bathroom, and a total of $200,000 in more vacuum-sealed bags in a guest room where Mayes’ grandchildren reportedly slept.”
Darlene feigned surprise and reportedly told the Narcs that all the cheese (cash, for those of you in Kansas) they discovered in her house was “for my retirement”. Now that, Dumbasses and Dumbassettes is what is called planning for the future. Except for one thing. All that money was confiscated and remanded to the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics Donuts for a Rainy Day Fund, so Darlene won’t see one red cent of it.
She will, however, see the Sun set on her Sunset Years from a lovely cell in a Federal Penitentiary somewhere in the Midwest.
Wasted…such promise, such bidness acumen, such such…
The World Serious is over and the St. Louis Cardinals are the World Champions for 2011. Congrats to the Cards and their fans. You guys had a magical season in 2011, especially from late August on. What your team accomplished is something extraordinary and you should cherish every single inning of it. St. Louis is a great baseball town and the fans are some of the most knowledgeable in the Majors. Keep in mind that Spring Training is just three and a half months away and every team in the National League will be gunning for the Champs in 2012. Go forth and celebrate your 11th World Serious title, because next year the Texas Rangers will be back and better than ever!
Other than being disappointed about the outcome of the Series, it was a great week here at Dumbass News. For those of you dumbasses that missed out on some of my brilliant writing and unmatched commentary, today is your chance to catch up with the latest in the World of Dumbassery. For example…
- Moonshine and Bigfoot – If the urge to go out into the wilderness and become the first to document the existence of Bigfoot, hooch is a necessary scientific research tool. If you are unable to find Bigfoot, you’ll certainly find Big Hangover.
- It’s Raining Money in Oklahoma – I goof on Okies on a regular basis, but I mean it in a loving way. The people of Oklahoma are some of the finest people you’ll ever meet – Salt of the Earth kinda folks. Hell, Oklahoma has given us Mickey Mantle, Troy Aikman, Garth Brooks and my favorite Redhead, Reba McEntire. Who could hate a place that has produced that group? Not me. BTW, the only reason Texas doesn’t drift off into the Gulf of Mexico is because Oklahoma sucks. 🙂
- Eating BBQ Flavored Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches! – As a former Broadcast Professional (Radio and TV), I can tell you first hand that people will do some seriously stoopid shit in order to win a prize. The bigger the prize, the stoopider the shit they will do. Don’t believe me? Read this post and you’ll want to
projectile vomitimmediately tune in to your favorite radio station and see what kind of stoopid shit you yourself will do for a fabulous prize!
- The $25 Million Dollar Dumbass Mistake – Here are some clues: 1.) Ay-rab. 2) 7-11.3.) Dumbass and 4.) Lotto. Go see what I mean.
That’s the Dumbass News Week in Review for the last full week of October. I must now hunker down as we have a Winter Storm on the way that could dump as much as a foot of snow on Augusta (where I live) and the rest of South Central Maine. The average first day of measurable snowfall for us is November 17, so we are definitely ahead of schedule this year. It’s gonna be a long, cold, snowy winter in New England. Why did I ever leave Texas? Because I am a…
|Still My Team After All These Years|
Gawd, I hate fucking Oklahoma. Dumbasses.
So now I’ll do what I always do when life deals me lemons. I read about dumbasses! Join me as we tour the World of Dumbassery as it reveals itself to be the Land of Future Jerry Springer Guests!
- Pot From Stolen Truck…– A little trip to California (where else?) gives us this story of how a stolen truck loaded with marijuana wrecks and passersby, ever so civic-minded, help the Police out by stealing the pot thrown from the truck when it overturned. Ya gotta love the Land of Fruits and Nuts.
- How to Lose $425,000 Worth of Pot! – One of our All-Time most read pot stories, this is a lesson in how to lose almost a half million dollars worth of weed and sign your own death Warrant at the same time!
- A Guy Named Gus and His Ducks and Pot – What’s not to like about a guy named Gus? And ducks. And pot. I’m just sayin’.
That’s your lineup for this fine NFL and Longhorns Heartbreak Sunday. With these stories, perhaps there is some joy in Dumbassville after all.