Penises were big in 2012.
That’s not to say that penises were large, but big, as in big news. Penises attached to Dumbasses were especially big this year. Again, we are not talking about gargantuan male appendages, but the ding dongs that made Dumbass News in 2012.
This is why I feel compelled to include a special penis category in the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards.
Fellow Dumbasses, I now present to you the Biggest Dumbass Dicks of 2012.
1) Guy Pokes Other Wimmin, Pays for It w/His Penis – This is the story of a Chinese Guy who put his pee pee into several vajayjays. So what, you say. I’ll tell you so what. These vajayjays were spoken for. In other words, the Chinese Guy was poking other men’s vajayjays. In retaliation, the Other Men did something really mean to the Chinese Guy. Read the story. I ain’t givin’ away the ending, Dumbass.
2) Several times every day on TV you will see a commercial for a “male enhancement” product. There’s good ol’ Smilin’ Bob, my personal favorite, and a bunch of others that I can’t remember right now, but they’re out there, trust me. There is, however, one miracle product available in the grocery aisle of your local super market that will make your ding dong the size of Seabucuit’s with just a few applications! Thai men with teenie weenies have been using this method of dick-biggening for generations! Just what is this amazing cure for small schlongs? Olive oil! Olive oil injections, to be precise.
3) Mauled by Man Meat – What happens when a woman’s estranged husband comes over to her house, offers her money for sex and she refuses? He pulls out his pee pee and slaps her with it!
While having your penis sliced off for screwing other men’s wimmin is quite admirable, and assaulting your wife with your dick is certainly a novel way to end up in jail, there’s just something about injecting a Mediterranean cooking oil into your member that screams I am the Biggest Dumbass Dick of 2012!
The competition was stiff, but we were able to name a clear weiner, I mean winner, of this year’s Biggest Dumbass Dick Award.
Now, about that olive oil thing…..
There’s a guy in Thailand that no longer has a penis.
Many of you, mostly wimmin, are right now screaming “Yes!” and doing some form of the Watusi in celebration. The other part of this group of howling Dumbasses are a bunch of spurned homos out in Cal-ee-forn-ya. On the other hand, every single non-homo guy reading this is at this very moment grabbing his crotch and holding it like a Mother cuddles with a newborn baby.
Now, there must be several questions running through your mind right now, the biggest of which is WTF?
Let me splain.
In Thailand it is evidently a common practice for men who want to enlarge their man parts to inject it with olive oil! And here you thought all EVOO (extra virgin olive oil) was good for was to sautee mushrooms and shit. Now you know that it is also a well-known agent for ding a ling biggening. It is also the source of many a pee pee problem in Thailand.
Let me splain that, too.
From what I gather from reading this article, shootin’ up your thang with EVOO not only doesn’t increase its size (go figger), this practice also is the source of some very serious penile infections. As far as I can tell, Thai men seeking to attain porn star-sized schlongs actually go to backstreet clinics to get this shit done. Another take away from the piece in the DailyMail is that bee’s wax, silicone and even paraffin are sometimes used in this procedure. Oh, boy! Where does the line form?!
Adios Mr. Happy
The guy to whom I referred in the first line of this story was administered the old olive oil in the weenie injection by some back alley hack, developed a very bad infection in his doo hickey and was taken to a local hospital for treatment. Sadly, when the doctors were trying to fix this Dumbass up, they discovered cancer and had to remove his manhood, gazebos and all.
The attending physician was quick to point out, however, that the EVOO injection was not the cause of the cancer, but that this is still a very dangerous thing to do. No shit, Sherlock. You went to all those years of medical school to tell us that?
One more thing about this story that is the irony of ironies. And I ain’t making this up…it took place in Bangkok.
***Hat tip to @Polliwogette on Twitter***
***Photo courtesy of the Daily Mail***