Category: Oregon

Squished or Not? Guy Falls Asleep in Back of Garbage Truck!

Best of Dumbass News

I have been telling you about the Dumbass Things that Dumbasses do for almost two years now. And no matter how weird the story, there eventually will be another Dumbass pulling the same Dumbass Stunt.

Today’s story is an encore presentation. Not of the Best of Dumbass News variety, but of the “some Dumbass was bound to do it again” type. Here’s the original Dumbass News story that relates to today’s tale.

This activity involves Drunk Homeless Guys and I’m afraid it’s giving a bad name to drunk homeless guys all over the country. As a former Drunk Homeless Guy, I am truly concerned about the sullying of the image of my Drunk Homeless Brethren.

I can not and will not stand for it!

A Fad?

“Hold on, Harold! I think there’s a drunk homeless guy in there!”

The activity I’m talking about is homeless guys from Portland, Oregon that get drunk and do something stoopid, like, oh, I don’t know, maybe crawl into the back of a Waste Management trash truck and pass out, thus risking being squeezed to death like a rotten tomato. This is not typical behavior for the seasoned Drunk Homeless Guy, so I can only assume it is rookie Drunk Homeless Guys ruining the fun of being a Drunk Homeless Guy for all Normal Drunk Homeless Guys.

Normal Drunk Homeless Guys may crash on a park bench or on the steps of the Public Library, maybe even under a nice comfy bridge, but NEVER in the bidness end of a garbage truck!

You can see where my problem lies.

I hope like hell that this is not a fad or some Red Chinese Communist Plot to ruin the good name and untarnished image of Drunk Homeless Guys all over America. Better dead and homeless than Red and homeless! That’s my motto!

Dumbass at Hand

The Dumbass in our story today got all shit faced and decided that driving home was not an option. Good choice. He could have killed dozens of Drunk Homeless Guys and Liberals had he driven an automobile while fubar’ed. This is unacceptable! Drunk Homeless Guys are people, too! Fuck the Liberals.

Wait! Did I imply that this guy had a car? Lemme re-check. Yes! I did! Knowing that little tidbit of information that may have been overlooked by an ordinary Dumbass without my Drunk Homeless Guy Street Cred, I can now conclude that this is indeed a Red Communist Chinese Plot to ruin the red blooded American Drunk Homeless Guy!

As I delve deeper into the available facts of this case, this Red Commie Drunk Homeless Guy was not homeless at all AND, get a load of this, he twice avoided being crushed when the garbage truck compacted its load! Only a well-trained foreign Red Chinese Communist Drunk Fake Homeless Guy Secret Agent could pull of this caper!

OK, I concede, this incident could have been a mere accident, with no involvement from the Official Red Chinese Communist Ministry of Drunk Fake Homeless Guys.

He could just be a….

Dumbass.

Advertisements

Chick w/Duct Taped Boobs Attacks 3 Cops!

Milestone: Some time yesterday morning Dumbass News topped the 100,000 page view barrier! One. Hundred. Thousand. That’s got a nice ring to it. I can’t begin to express my sincerest thanks to each of you for time and support. There were times when I wasn’t sure that we’d make it to a thousand, much less 100K.

I am humbled and grateful.

Thank you.

Fearless Leader

Best of Dumbass News

You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. “This shit” being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we’re talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It’s Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

I. Ain’t. Happy.

A Night on the Town

A woman whose name we do not know but we’ll call “MoonBeam” had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.

Enter the Duct Tape

MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, “Bitch, leave the club now!”, but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

The cops were called.

The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies’ Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I’m looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies’ Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

MoonBeam was not amused.

More Fun!

It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam “freaked out”. By “freaked out” I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle’s Finest. Further, by “kicked the shit out of”, I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam’s hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin’ she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men’s or a women’s prison.  

Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there’s a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

Duct Tape not included.

Dumbass.

Drunk Dumbass Passes Out in Garbage Truck – Near St. Pancake Status Ensues – Twice!

I have been telling you about the Dumbass Things that Dumbasses do for almost two years now. And no matter how weird the story, there eventually will be another Dumbass pulling the same Dumbass Stunt.

Today’s story is an encore presentation. Not of the Best of Dumbass News variety, but of the “some Dumbass was bound to do it again” type. Here’s the original Dumbass News story that relates to today’s tale.

This activity involves Drunk Homeless Guys and I’m afraid it’s giving a bad name to drunk homeless guys all over the country. As a former Drunk Homeless Guy, I am truly concerned about the sullying of the image of my Drunk Homeless Brethren.

I can not and will not stand for it!

A Fad?

“Hold on, Harold! I think there’s a drunk homeless guy in there!”

The activity I’m talking about is homeless guys from Portland, Oregon that get drunk and do something stoopid, like, oh, I don’t know, maybe crawl into the back of a Waste Management trash truck and pass out, thus risking being squeezed to death like a rotten tomato. This is not typical behavior for the seasoned Drunk Homeless Guy, so I can only assume it is rookie Drunk Homeless Guys ruining the fun of being a Drunk Homeless Guy for all Normal Drunk Homeless Guys.

Normal Drunk Homeless Guys may crash on a park bench or on the steps of the Public Library, maybe even under a nice comfy bridge, but NEVER in the bidness end of a garbage truck!

You can see where my problem lies.

I hope like hell that this is not a fad or some Red Chinese Communist Plot to ruin the good name and untarnished image of Drunk Homeless Guys all over America. Better dead and homeless than Red and homeless! That’s my motto!

Dumbass at Hand

The Dumbass in our story today got all shit faced and decided that driving home was not an option. Good choice. He could have killed dozens of Drunk Homeless Guys and Liberals had he driven an automobile while fubar’ed. This is unacceptable! Drunk Homeless Guys are people, too! Fuck the Liberals.

Wait! Did I imply that this guy had a car? Lemme re-check. Yes! I did! Knowing that little tidbit of information that may have been overlooked by an ordinary Dumbass without my Drunk Homeless Guy Street Cred, I can now conclude that this is indeed a Red Communist Chinese Plot to ruin the red blooded American Drunk Homeless Guy!

As I delve deeper into the available facts of this case, this Red Commie Drunk Homeless Guy was not homeless at all AND, get a load of this, he twice avoided being crushed when the garbage truck compacted its load! Only a well-trained foreign Red Chinese Communist Drunk Fake Homeless Guy Secret Agent could pull of this caper!

OK, I concede, this incident could have been a mere accident, with no involvement from the Official Red Chinese Communist Ministry of Drunk Fake Homeless Guys.

He could just be a….

Dumbass.

Fallow Deer & Dumbass Animal Rights Poosays

Best of Dumbass News

Today we’ll explore the world of dumbass animal rights activists. In a recent post, I made my stance clear on “animal rights”, whatever the frak that is. However, the “animal rights activists” in this case, who are nothing more than dumbasses with too much time on their hands, are soon-to-be prison bitches. Leon looks forward to meeting you idiots.

Deer. Burger.

Deer Animal Rights Asshats

Here’s the deal: This guy in Oregon, Richard Bentley, raises Fallow deer for their meat. There’s such a place about ten minutes from where I live. These Fallow deer look like they’d make excellent deerburgers. But I digress. So this Bentley guy raises these Fallow deer and guess what? A bunch of pussy “animal rights activists” decide that Mr. Bentley is a menace to society and since the law won’t do anything about the travesty of legally raising Fallow deer, they will! So what do these Socialists “Free the Fallow Deer” (!) assholes decide to do? Hint: they decide not to build a campfire, sing “Kumbaya” and eat bean sprouts. They do, however, decide to potentially ruin Mr. Bentley’s livelihood (and deer burgers) by removing a large section of his fence hoping that the deer will escape into the wild and be free! But the joke is on them! These are tame deer and  there were no deer on the property! bwahahahaha!!! The sad thing is that was also no property owner with a 12 gauge shotgun to greet these dumbasses with proper hospitality.

Due Process

The moral to the story is that if any of these “save the animals” sissies come onto your property illegally, shoot them in the ass with a shotgun shell full of rock salt. Or a Louisville Slugger to the skull, but that’s just me. But in being hospitable to these dumbasses, remember to offer them a hot dog. Or a deerburger. Or a Louisville Slugger to the skull.

Dumbasses.

Fallow Deer & Shallow Dumbass Animal Rights Poosays

Today we’ll explore the world of dumbass animal rights activists. In a recent post, I made my stance clear on “animal rights”, whatever the frak that is. However, the “animal rights activists” in this case, who are nothing more than dumbasses with too much time on their hands, are soon-to-be prison bitches. Leon looks forward to meeting you idiots.

Deer. Burger.

Deer Animal Rights Asshats

Here’s the deal: This guy in Oregon, Richard Bentley, raises Fallow deer for their meat. There’s such a place about ten minutes from where I live. These Fallow deer look like they’d make excellent deerburgers. But I digress. So this Bentley guy raises these Fallow deer and guess what? A bunch of pussy “animal rights activists” decide that Mr. Bentley is a menace to society and since the law won’t do anything about the travesty of legally raising Fallow deer, they will! So what do these Socialists “Free the Fallow Deer” (!) assholes decide to do? Hint: they decide not to build a campfire, sing “Kumbaya” and eat bean sprouts. They do, however, decide to potentially ruin Mr. Bentley’s livelihood (and deer burgers) by removing a large section of his fence hoping that the deer will escape into the wild and be free! But the joke is on them! These are tame deer and  there were no deer on the property! bwahahahaha!!! The sad thing is that was also no property owner with a 12 gauge shotgun to greet these dumbasses with proper hospitality.

Due Process

The moral to the story is that if any of these “save the animals” sissies come onto your property illegally, shoot them in the ass with a shotgun shell full of rock salt. Or a Louisville Slugger to the skull, but that’s just me. But in being hospitable to these dumbasses, remember to offer them a hot dog. Or a deerburger. Or a Louisville Slugger to the skull.

Dumbasses.

Chick w/ Duct Taped Boobs Beats Up Three Cops!

West Coast Fashion Accessory

You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. “This shit” being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we’re talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It’s Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

I. Ain’t. Happy.

A Night on the Town

A woman whose name we do not know but we’ll call “MoonBeam” had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.


Enter the Duct Tape 

MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, “Bitch, leave the club now!”, but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

The cops were called.

The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies’ Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I’m looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies’ Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

MoonBeam was not amused.

More Fun! 

It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam “freaked out”. By “freaked out” I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle’s Finest. Further, by “kicked the shit out of”, I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam’s hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin’ she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men’s or a women’s prison.  

Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there’s a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

Duct Tape not included.

Dumbass.

Duct Tape: The Newest Sex Life Enhancer! Best of Dumbass News

What Duct Tape?

I posted this story a few weeks ago and it still gets plenty of attention. That tells me that y’all are a bunch of kinky bastards. But I already knew that, so it comes as no surprise to me. After all, you are Dumbasses and I’ve come to expect nothing less of you. For all you numb skulls that found your way here from Pinterest, y’all are a passle of sick, twisted freaks. You’ll fit right in. While your here be sure to check out the blog archives. They are listed month by month in the left sidebar. There’s some great dumbassery in there. If you have any good ideas on new ways to use Duct Tape, head on over to the comment section just below this post. Oh, yeah! To all the “Pinners” who’ve joined us today, thanks for taking the time to re-pin my blog posts and s
tuff. 

And now members of the Dumbass Horde around the world…..I present to you Nekkid Driving and Duct Tape!!!

 When it comes to dumbassery, few places on the entire planet are weirder than Portland, Oregon. My guess is that other than San Francisco, Portland prolly has the highest Dumbass to “normal” people ratio in the country. I think the reason for this is the fact that so many homos and various other life forms of dumbassery migrate from Cal-ee-forn-ya to the Pacific Northwest trying to – wait for it – escape the dumbssery in Cal-ee-forn-ya! <face/palm> Go frakkin’ figger.

True Dumbass Love

Nothing says true dumbass love like duct taping your girlfriend like a Taliban hostage and putting her in the back seat of your Subaru for a little joy ride around town. While you, too, are nekkid as a jay bird as you escort your hostage sweetie all through Portland. Not that a duct taped nekkid woman in the back seat of a Subaru would garner much attention in Portland, Oregon, but one sane soul noticed the nekkid, taped up bimbo and called the cops. One can only imagine what the heat thought when they encountered a nekkid guy driving a Subaru with a duct taped nekkid lady in the back seat! I’m fairly confident that the local constabulary had some very powerful handguns pointed directly at Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy at the sight of such a situation.

After taking a large shit on the genuine imitation llama hair seat cover, and losing his boner, Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy and Ms. Custom Duct Tape Job by Jim Bob Jumpback explained that they were just out for a nekkid ride just for a little for fun. And sexual thrills. Yup, instead of a nice candlelight dinner with some cheap wine, these two dumbasses get nekkid, duct taped and stoopid. And cited for disorderly conduct for driving around Portland, Oregon for all to see. This just oooooozzzzzeeesssss romance.

Reactions

When people learned of this little Love Boat on Land episode, most of the reactions were of the “So what, they were just having fun?” variety. One local dumbass posted on the Portland Police Department Facebook page, and I quote, “Nothing wrong with that, they were just trying to have some fun, you monsters.” I ain’t kiddin’.

The best comment came from a guy who summed it up very nicely: “Keep Portland weird, man.” Perfect.

I implore you to heed this advice as you travel through this journey we call life: nekkid, duct taped and driving through a major city is no way to go through life, son.

Dumbasses.