******WARNING! NSFW IMAGE BELOW******
Here’s a re-post from April 4, 2011. I’ll try to post a new story later today.
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde
I mentioned a few minutes ago in a Facebook comment that here it is April 4 and it’s snowing here in Augusta, Maine. Too much snow does weird things to people. An example of that can be found in our story today. Our tale takes place in Bangor, about 75 miles from my house.
The Bangor PD was called to an unusual situation where “a man or woman wearing short-shorts and no jacket running in and out of the snow.” We call that a dumbass where I come from, but I digress. The cops got to the scene of the crime and promptly encountered the owner of a local cafe. The cafe owner said that apparently someone had broken into to his eatery through a side door to the kitchen area. Windows on the kitchen door were smashed and a shovel was found nearby, apparently used to break the windows on the door. Police, exercising due caution, entered the cafe where they found Daniel Watson, 30, of Bangor in the dining room area.“He definitely had a shirt, a fleece vest and socks on,” but no pants, underwear or shoes — despite the subzero temperatures, Sewall said. Watson’s arms and legs were covered with cuts, police said Friday night.” I guess the burglar thought it was “half off day”. Tee hee. I made a funny.
The good guys arrested the dumbass and the made the Police Statement of the Year (So Far), the suspect was confused and incoherent and that “it certainly appeared” he was under the influence. It certainly appeared that this half naked dumbass was “under the influence”? Again, referring to where I come from, we call that fucked up. And dumbass. In my home state of Texas, we don’t break into closed cafes to get something to eat when we are drunk. We go to Denny’s, eat like an NFL defensive lineman then walk the ticket. No shovel needed. The dumbass drunks up here ain’t got no class.
The dumbass was taken to the Penebscot County Jail where he was booked then released the next morning. This is the part of the story where can insert any joke referring to a nekkid guy in a cafe. What was he eating when he got busted? A shortstack. A small hot dog. Short ribs. Now for the gratuitous nekkid guy goes to court jokes. Will the evidence stand up in court or will there be a lack of evidence? OK, I’ll stop now, but feel free to leave your nekkid guy jokes in the comments. And if you have a personal “I was nekkid in a cafe once…” story, share it with us.