Penises were big in 2012.
That’s not to say that penises were large, but big, as in big news. Penises attached to Dumbasses were especially big this year. Again, we are not talking about gargantuan male appendages, but the ding dongs that made Dumbass News in 2012.
This is why I feel compelled to include a special penis category in the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards.
Fellow Dumbasses, I now present to you the Biggest Dumbass Dicks of 2012.
1) Guy Pokes Other Wimmin, Pays for It w/His Penis – This is the story of a Chinese Guy who put his pee pee into several vajayjays. So what, you say. I’ll tell you so what. These vajayjays were spoken for. In other words, the Chinese Guy was poking other men’s vajayjays. In retaliation, the Other Men did something really mean to the Chinese Guy. Read the story. I ain’t givin’ away the ending, Dumbass.
2) Several times every day on TV you will see a commercial for a “male enhancement” product. There’s good ol’ Smilin’ Bob, my personal favorite, and a bunch of others that I can’t remember right now, but they’re out there, trust me. There is, however, one miracle product available in the grocery aisle of your local super market that will make your ding dong the size of Seabucuit’s with just a few applications! Thai men with teenie weenies have been using this method of dick-biggening for generations! Just what is this amazing cure for small schlongs? Olive oil! Olive oil injections, to be precise.
3) Mauled by Man Meat – What happens when a woman’s estranged husband comes over to her house, offers her money for sex and she refuses? He pulls out his pee pee and slaps her with it!
While having your penis sliced off for screwing other men’s wimmin is quite admirable, and assaulting your wife with your dick is certainly a novel way to end up in jail, there’s just something about injecting a Mediterranean cooking oil into your member that screams I am the Biggest Dumbass Dick of 2012!
The competition was stiff, but we were able to name a clear weiner, I mean winner, of this year’s Biggest Dumbass Dick Award.
Now, about that olive oil thing…..