I have been busier than a one-legged man in an ass kickin’ contest lately.
For the many new readers who found us through Twitter, allow me to get you up to speed.
My wife underwent surgery a couple of weeks ago and that means that I have been doing my normal stuff plus her normal stuff around the Dumbass Dome so she could recuperate. She’s much better now, BUT she has another surgery scheduled for tomorrow! That of course means that she will be down for the count for at least a few, probably several, days. Now that means that I will be doing all the stuff around the house that needs to be done plus taking care of our 5 and 10 year old daughters for another unknown number of fun-filled days! The most important thing is, however, Mrs. Fearless Leader’s full and complete return to good health, so as a loving father, husband and Fearless Leader, I shall happily and maybe even occasionally cheerfully hold the down the fort for as long as need be. Bottom line: I won’t be able to dedicate as much time to blogging as I normally would, which is as it should be.
It is my sincere hope that you’ll continue to stop by the place and enjoy some of Dumbass News‘ Greatest (Worst?) Hits.
Thank you for your support and good wishes. Y’all are the best!
Best of Dumbass News
I don’t know exactly how to begin this post, except to say you’d better be sitting down when you read it. If you are at work and are prone to outbursts of violent laughter or any other orally-emitted sound effects that will cause people in cubicles to floors above you to ask, “What the hell was that?“, stifle yourself or read this in private, like in the toilet, where weird noises are perfectly acceptable. If you are of the male persuasion, be thankful your gazebos and plumbing are attached and in good working order. You have been properly cautioned.
Now…To the story!
Iceland, which is a lovely place if you like ice, is a wonderful country whose citizens like to collect penises. And put them on public display! I ain’t makin’ this shit up. I’m not that smart…or stoned. In the sleepy little fishing village of Husavik, which is Icelandic for the “Penis Collecting Dumbasses Who Put Ding-A-Lings on Public Display for Other Dumbasses to Pay to See”, the good people of said sleepy fishing village have
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“stimulated” the economy by opening a Penis Museum! Yes, the (get this!) Icelandic Phallological Museum and its 208 penises are housed in that quaint little building in the photo. There, you’ll find the penises of damn near every sea and land mammal in Iceland – except the ding dong of a man. Until now. As the article from Aol News states, “a donor named Pall Arason donated his educational tool to the museum in an impressive show of support for the sciences.” What a guy! It’s a man who truly
is an incredible dumbass loves his country who’ll donate his thingy for the good of science and the cock museum. The thing is (<—-pun intended) is that Arason is dead so he doesn’t need his weenie anymore, but it’s in death that he made his greatest contribution the penis-collecting segment of Icelandic society. And any man that donates his doohickey for the good of science is OK by me…even if he’s a dead dumbass. Just run that thought up your flagpole. Pall Arason, you are hero to the Icelandic Phallological Museum and dick savers everywhere and your generosity will stand the test of time. You’re a real ding dong dandy.
I have, on a few occasions, explained to you some of the “challenges” I face on a daily basis. And by “challenges”, I of course mean that I am mentally ill. Many people would call me insane, but I ain’t there just yet. I take so much medicine that the food pyramid for me is Mood swings meds, anti-depressant and nighty night pill. Not bad actually, but I’d rather smoke a joint and have a beer. But I don’t do that shit anymore.
There are millions of Americans who have the same shit or much worse than me, so I am nothing special, except for the fact that I am the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde and I have readers who are sick puppies – like Wendy in Oregon and her Old Man whose name I don’t know. If he’s from Oregon his name is probably “Chad” or “Biff” or some other Left Coast bullshit.
But I digress.
More Serious “Challenges”
One of those more serious disorders that I spoke of earlier is bulimia. That’s the fear of being eaten and regurgitated by a Braymur (Brahman for the Yoopers in the audience) bull. That’s gotta be scary. Facing down a Big Mac must be a living nightmare. Again, I digress.
Anyway….some lady who apparently mustered up the courage and wherewithal to overcome her bulimia was demonstrating her new found freedom to a friend. No, she was not eaten and vomited up by a Braymur bull, she was sticking a butter knife down her throat demonstrating the absence of a gag reflex. She was going gangbusters with her demonstration until she swallowed the butter knife! Swallowing butter knives is a disease suffered by many bulimics because they just can’t be happy with being well, they feel compelled to stick something down their gullets to prove it.
|Not a Scientific Instrument|
Did you know, for instance, that sword swallowers are recovering bulimics? Not really I just made that up. Many female porn stars are, besides being skanky sluts, bulimics as well. The difference in the whores and the Butter Knife Lady is that porn star bulimics swallow ding-a-lings in order to show a lack of gag reflex. This has been scientifically proven by thousands of hours of hobbing knobs by skeezes of all ages, origins, ethnic backgrounds and, yes, religions. Except for Baptists. Baptists don’t even dance so oral sex is a major no no for my Protestant brethern and sistern.
Now, as an observer of the human condition known as Dumbassery, I would taken aback by the fact that the young lady showed her progress by using a butter knife as a tool in her little demo. Why not a banana? Or a cucumber? Or a penis? All would be infinitely more suitable to such an exercise than a butter knife. Using a penis, for example, would instantly afford her a new career choice as well. I’m just sayin’
Please understand that I am not making light of bulimia. It is a very serious and deadly condition if the wrong penis is used as a “tool” to show a lack of gag reflex, a woman could choke to fucking death. Or end up as a porn star.
So, heed my advice if you are afflicted with bulimia. In showing your progress towards normalcy, please do not use sharp objects a gag reflex testing devices. Use something firm but malleable in your presentation.
And when you can swallow a whole Black Diamond watermelon, contact me. I know a “movie producer” in Hollywood.
Dumbass Note: Dumbass News is now read by Dumbasses in 141 countries around the world!!! Our latest Dumbass follower is from Myanmar!
Strange things happen when the sun goes down. Like the old Charley Pride song says, “The snakes crawl at night…”
At night, criminals, mainly thieves and burglars, do their best work, taking anything from jewelry to penises...What?? Did I just type what I think I just typed? Upon further review, I did type what I thought I typed. I typed that thieves steal male sex organs.
Why in the name of Ron Jeremy would a thief want to to pilfer a penis? The reason that immediately springs to mind is that the current owner of the ding-a-ling did something very naughty with it. Kind of a screwy notion, huh? Well, maybe it’s not as rock solid weird as you might think.
Let Me Splain.
Fei Lin, No Relation to Feng Shui, or Tina Fey for that matter,is a Dumbass. Apparently Linny, not of Lenny and Squiggy fame, likes the ladies. Even if the lady belongs to another man., like maybe Won Hung Lo. This is bad joo joo in China. Or Texas. Or Tennessee.
Anyway, Fi Fei Fo Fum was evidently Por-king some Chinese lovelies that were otherwise the significant others of some other guys, Egg Fu Yung among them. Egg Fu and Won Hung got wind of these dastardly deeds and prepared to exact their revenge on Fei Tina Peking Duc. And by “exact” I mean use an exacto knife on his Shang Hai.
Their plan was meticulously thought out and when the time came….
The Time That Came
One night after performing a little Hong Kong Phookey with another man’s woman, Fuk Yu Silly went home and went to bed, falling into a deep REM sleep mode. Recognizing this as their moment to cut and run, the Bad Guys made their way into Far Out, Man’s apartment and performed a penis-ectomy with the skill of a surgeon and the swiftness of a Ferrari.
They sliced Foo King Shits’ willie off and leaving him no hope of being a “man” again, absconded with the cut-off cucumber! In other words, they stole the dude’s dick! Giving a guy the old phallus filet is one thing, but to run off with his member also, is quite another.
It’s just plain old rude!
To no one’s surprise, Long Duc Dong is baffled by what happened to his peter. “What I do long for these ferrows to knifey rifey my manhood?” Or something like that. I took a little poetic license with the translation, but you get the picture.
The Rittle City by the Liver po-po think that revenge was a factor in the de-penis-ifying of Mr. Soprano. geez, ya think?
I don’t really know where to go with this from here except to say, guys, keep your goober in your pants when it comes to another dude’s chick. American Ginsu Guerrillas may not be nearly as nice as those wack chink dink defacers.
That is unless you’d like your new name to be No More Stiffy.
***Photo from austriantimes.at***
|I’ll Find You, Drive Thru Guy!|
Dumbass News News: Yesterday’s guest post from Drive Thru Guy from lifeinthedrivethru was a smash hit with the Dumbass Horde! After such an explosive Dumbass Debut, I think DTG now has his sights set on becoming your next Fearless Leader! He’s drunk on power! Drunk, I tell you! It was such a big deal that I shall now have to have Drive Thru Guy tracked down like a wild animal (he IS Canadian, so I repeat myself) and summarily de-gazebo’ed on sight! I have placed a bounty of nearly $1.98 American on those gazebos and I will not sleep until they have been dispatched! Upon said de-gazebo-ing, I shall have his newly-removed huevos (a little Meskin lingo there) wrapped in frozen polar bear shit and sent to the Penis Museum in Iceland! I. Ain’t. Kiddin’. There really is a Dicks on Display Place in Iceland – just hit the link back <—-there. I will not divulge DTG’s exact location, except to the De-Gazebo-ing Mercenaries, but I will say that he lives in an Eastern Canuckistani Province close enough to Iceland that it will exponentially simplify the gazebo-shipping process.
If you pass through Drive Thru Guys window, DO NOT attempt to de-gazebo him yourself. This is a job for well-trained de-gazebo-ers. I would feel responsible for any injuries you might incur while trying to knife DTG’s nutsack. He is armed with a Top Secret Drive Thru Headset© that has more concealed weapons than Saddam Hussein, and is considered to be dangerous! Moreover, if you push Drive Thru Guy too far, he will spit in your food! He is a vicious, evil, maniacal fiend bent on overthrowing your Peace Loving Benevolent Fearless Leader and hocking a loogie (or as he calls it, “Secret Sauce”) onto your fries!
It is true that DTG’s guest post was a well received by the Dumbass Horde and I was glad to have DTG share his wisdom with the not only the Dumbass Horde, but with the rest of humanity. His insight into the horrors of dealing with hungry Dumbasses at the Drive Thru should be a reminder to us all that….that….uh…er….I don’t the fuck know! But it should remind us of something!
Super size THAT!
|In Need of a Dumbass Hangover Cure|
It’s Sunday and the day after St. Patrick’s Day and I know you Dumbasses are hungover like Charlie Sheen after a night with hookers and nose candy. So, I’ll make it easy on you with another edition of Best of Dumbass News!
Before we get to the meat of the post, I would like to offer some hangover cures as used and approved by a former Professional Drinker – me. Your milage may vary.
Menudo – Menudo is a Meskin soup that uses tripe (cow guts) as it’s major component. It tastes like shit, but if you can stomach a few slurps, it’s the hangover cure for Meskins everywhere. It works. If you have a neighborhood or Mom and Pop Meskin Food place near you, you should score some menudo
Beer – The Hair of the Dog. A rodeo warm Budweiser is best.
Pot – Is there anything a good fatty won’t cure? This is, of course, illegal, so smoke at your own risk. A joint will also make menudo taste like a T-bone steak. Double Hangover Cure! Spark one up!
Lesbians Need Penises – In this masterpiece, I profile a penis museum in Iceland. I am still waiting for a call from the Pulitzer Prize Dumbasses.
Dumbass Emeritus – A lovely young lass named Alexandra is the only Dumbass Emeritus in the history of Dumbass News. The reason is simple. Alex has a website called WTF WiFi which deals with the nnicknames people assigned to the wireless networks in their homes and businesses. It’s a great site with some very funny WiFi Nics. WTF WiFi further proves that dumbasses are everywhere. Plus, Alex makes a little cheese off of such a simple but brilliant idea by following the KISS Theory – Keep It Simple Stupid. Outstanding.
Dumbass Hoarders and a Dead Granny – This is a tale fit for the whole family with a valuable lesson at the end. Be sure to have your children at your side when you read this. They’ll be amazed by this warm, yet sad story.
Well, that’s it for today, Dumbasses. It’s a beautiful day here in Northern New England, so I think I’ll spend some time with my daughters and maybe start some plants so I can have them ready to go come Memorial Day when it’s finally safe to put them outside. Until the next time we convene, do something today that will make Dumbass News headlines tomorrow. You’ll make your family proud.
NSFW! Or Kids! Not X Rated, but pretty naughty.
Every day I chronicle some act of dumbassery that takes place somewhere on Planet Earth. One of my personal favorites is the story of the Penis Museum in Iceland. While I can understand that Iceland, due to its location and long winters, would host such an exciting venue as a penis museum, I am, as a rule, totally against the hoarding of penises at any one location. The world needs penises. What if Lesbians took over the Earth? What would they do for a penis? As far as I know, Lesbians do not have penises and pro-creation between Lesbos would be impossible. But! With one solitary penis, Lesbians could pro-create to their hearts’ desires, disposing of unwanted weenies as they saw fit. That would suck. There needs to be at least one man, and by extension (damn that’s funny) one penis, to enjoy the “adventures” of the Lesbians that rule the world and thus pro-create more slit lickers.
I must stand with penises everywhere in supporting the Lesbian agenda, but opposing the indiscriminate disposal of unwanted ding a lings.
That is the Official Position of Dumbass News as decreed by me, Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde.
Icelanders Are Lonely People
I don’t know exactly how to begin this post, except to say you’d better be sitting down when you read it. If you are at work and are prone to outbursts of violent laughter or any other orally-emitted sound effects that will cause people in cubicles two floors above you to ask, “What the hell was that?“, stifle yourself or read this in private, like in the toilet, where weird noises are perfectly acceptable. If you are of the male persuasion, be thankful your gazebos and plumbing are attached and in good working order. You have been properly cautioned. Now…To the story!
Iceland, which is a lovely place if you like ice, is a wonderful country whose citizens like to collect penises. And put them on public display! I ain’t makin’ this shit up. I’m not that smart…or stoned. In the sleepy little fishing village of Husavik, which is Icelandic for the “Penis Collecting Dumbasses Who Put Ding-A-Lings on Public Display for Other Dumbasses to Pay to See”, the good people of said sleepy fishing village have “stimulated” the economy by opening a Penis Museum! Yes, the (get this!) Icelandic Phallological Museum and its 208 penises are housed in that quaint little building in the photo. There, you’ll find the penises of damn near every sea and land mammal in Iceland – except the ding dong of a man. Until now. As the article from Aol News states, “a donor named Pall Arason donated his educational tool to the museum in an impressive show of support for the sciences.” What a guy! It’s a man who truly
is an incredible dumbass loves his country who’ll donate his thingy for the good of science and the cock museum. The thing is is that Arason is dead so he doesn’t need his weenie anymore, but it’s in death that he made his greatest contribution to the penis-collecting segment of Icelandic society. And any man that donates his doohickey for the good of science is OK by me…even if he’s a dead dumbass. Just run that thought up your flagpole. Pall Arason, you are a hero to the Icelandic Phallological Museum and dick savers everywhere and your generosity will stand the test of time. You’re a real ding dong dandy.
|This Could Hurt a Man’s Gazebos|
Well, this is certainly something you don’t hear everyday.
Many of us have been in a situation where the “call of nature” has reared its ugly head and resolving the issue is simply too much of a chore. Anyway, John had to piss and he had to piss in a hurry. He pulled over and was taking care of business when all of the sudden ZAP ZOWIE ZONK, a bolt of lightning appears from nowhere and struck John on his, shall we say, pecker. That’s gonna leave a mark! Luckily, John somehow escaped with only minor injuries, his gazebos remaining intact. Regarding the incident John said, “Thankfully, the doctors said that there would be no lasting effects, and my penis will function normally eventually.” John’s wife must be quite grateful. And I’m sure John is not exactly disappointed. He’s damn lucky his gazebos didn’t fry like a cheap piece of chicken in a vat of hot grease.