Category: Pennsylvania

Happy Hour: $102,000 Hooch Goes Down the Gullet

Once upon a time Fearless Leader was a Professional Drinker. As with all good things, this, too, came to an end.

Since You Asked 

  • No I did not waste my time on 12 Step Program.
  • I went through a One Step Program. 
  • Cold Turkey.
  • Over 3 years ago.
  • I was not an alcoholic.
  • Alcoholics go to meetings.
  • I was a Drunk.
  • No meetings required.
  • Mrs. Fearless Leader threatened to throw me out on my sorry ass if I didn’t stop boozin’.
  • She meant it.
  • That was my One Step Program.
  • No. Alcohol has not crossed my lips since then.
  • Amen.

Why?

Now, “why”, you must be asking yourself, “would Fearless Leader give us a glimpse into a very private and personal part of his life?”

In spite of my best efforts to leave some kind of “I’m Not an Alcoholic, I’m a ‘Drunk’ Legacy”, all I left behind was a million or two empty beer bottles, a not uneasy task, but nonetheless not nearly as historic as what a guy in Pennsylvania accomplished.

Here is the story of John W. Saunders, mansion caretaker, and The Case(s) of Missing Whiskey:

The mystery of the missing whiskey has all the elements of a page-turner: a beautiful estate, a century in time, a thirsty thief and a bit of DNA on the lip of a bottle.

The story began to unfold in 2012, when Patricia Hill of New York bought a turn-of-the-century mansion in Scottdale built by J.P. Brennan, a coal and coke industrialist. During an $800,000 renovation to convert it into South Broadway Manor Bed and Breakfast, Hill discovered hidden in the walls and stairwell nine cases of Old Farm Pure Rye Whiskey bottled in 1912 at the West Overton Distilling Co. in nearby West Overton.

“My guess is that Mr. Brennan ordered 10 cases … pre-Prohibition,” Hill said. “I was told by his family that family members used to greet him at the door each day with a shot of whiskey.”

The live-in caretaker, 62-year-old John W. Saunders of Irwin, helped Hill move and dust off the whiskey several times.

One day, Hill found there was little left to dust.
Whiskey Bent & Hell Bound 
There was “little left to dust” because over a period of time John W. Saunders saw fit to consume fifty-two bottles of the Old Farm. Keep in mind that this whiskey was bottled between 1912 and 1917, before the 18th Amendment to the United States Constitution went into effect. When you think of the Good Ole 18th, think Prohibition. In other words, this was some Historical Hooch. About $102,000 worth of Historical Hooch.
Upon being confronted about this Whiskey-a-Go-Go, John W. said (I swear I am not making this up) that the hooch probably evaporated and that because it was old, it was “probably no good.” What. The. Fuck. “Hundred year old whiskey ain’t worth a shit” said No. One. Ever! 
This statement, and the matter of his DNA being found on some of the whiskey bottles,was John W.’s undoing. Once the Police stopped laughing, about a week later, John W. Saunders was arrested and charged. He must now navigate the legal system and hope for the best. And by “hope for the best” I of course mean “pray like hell that he won’t spend a good portion of the rest of Natural Born Days as an anal pin cushion” for guys named Shagnasty and Pumpkin, IYKWIMAITYD.
Dumbass.

***Image from triblive.com***

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Tip for Removing Wedding Rings: Glock 9mm

Have you ever had trouble removing a ring from your finger?

Me, too.

I have learned over the years that when I do a lot of strenuous work that involves using my hands for an extended period of time, like gardening, my fingers swell up just enough that taking off a ring ain’t as easy as it should be.

I have used several methods of stuck ring removal with varying degrees of success – cold water, soap, butter and others that escape me at the moment.

A Dumbass in Bradford, Pennsylvania has come up with a ring removal idea that is sure to take the Dumbass Horde by storm!

Let me splain.

Wedding Ring Blues 

For some damn reason, known only to himself, Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III (is that an Eye-talian name or what?) wanted his wedding ring off his finger, and he wanted it off there bad.

I’m not sure whether or not Alfredo used any cold water, soap or butter in order to get his wedding ring off his finger, but he was persistent in his quest to be ringless. After considerable deliberation, Alfredo finally found a solution to his dilemma!

Grab a hand gun and shoot the wedding ring off his finger!

Now, to the uninitiated, this may seem to be a bit extreme. And that’s because it is, you Dumbass! Who in his right fucking mind would use a firearm to remove a wedding ring from his finger?! Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III, that’s who!

Seriously, Big Al corralled a pistol, carefully took aim at his wedding band and BANG! Problem solved. Sort of.

Alfredo managed to blast his ring finger into oblivion, but there was a slight hitch in his plan. He blew his digit off, but the ring remained on the stump where a moment ago there was a perfectly good ring finger.

I guess it is necessary to the plot to inform you that during this whole deal Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III was, according to police officers who answered the call about a Dumbass shooting off his finger, extremely intoxicated. Ya think?

There’s one more little twist to this story. Alfredo is employed as a prison guard!

Malespini has been charged with a bunch of gun-related shit and could end up sharing a cell with some of the very people he was paid to supervise. Can you say “prison bitch“? I have a sneaky feeling that if Alfredo ends up in the Slammer, the boys in Cell Block D will invent new ways to play “Hide the Sausage” with him.

Suggestions for Alfredo 

  • For any future wedding ring removal, try cold water, soap or butter.
  • Don’t wear a ring.
  • Don’t stay married so you won’t be obliged to wear a wedding ring.
  • Lay off The Sauce.
  • Next time, aim lower. Your nut sack would be a good place to start.
  • Have fun in Cell Block D.
  • And here’s the obligatory “don’t drop the soap” warning.

Dumbass.

Want Attention from Your Boyfriend? Poison Him!

Best of Dumbass News

Vicki Jo

Vicki Jo Mills of McConnellsburg was feeling that her boyfriend, Thurman Nesbitt, was lax in his duties in doting over her. So, instead of new lingerie, perfume or hairdos, Vicki Jo, hatched a plan that would make Thomas notice her like she’d never been noticed before.

It has been my experience in life that men sometimes put other things in life ahead of their wives/girlfriends that leave the poor woman craving attention. To be fair, the things that men put first are worthy things like fishing, golf, likker, etc, but there’s absolutely no excuse for neglecting your woman by means other than these. I am sensitive to a woman’s needs that way.

Neglected wimmin often drop subtle little hints that you have not shown them enough attention lately. They’ll put on a new perfume, get a new hairdo, buy sexy lingerie or try to poison you.

At least that’s the way wimmin in Fulton County, Pennsylvania do things.

Neglected

She decided to poison him! Over a period of three years!

This certainly got Thurm’s attention. It also got the attention of his doctor.

During three years of fluctuating blood pressure, vomiting and difficulty breathing, Ole Sawbones called in the Law. From abc27.com, “According to investigators with the Pennsylvania State Police, Vickie Jo Mills used Visine eye drops to poison her boyfriend, Thurman Nesbitt, at least 10 times since June of 2009.
State police got involved in the case in mid-July after Nesbitt’s doctor contacted them. He had been treating Nesbitt for years for unexplained nausea and vomiting, elevating and dropping blood pressure, as well as difficulty breathing.
A test showed the main ingredient for eye drops, tetrahydrozoline, in Nebitt’s blood. Troopers questioned Mills, who admitted to putting eye drops in Nesbitt’s drinking water.” 

If at First You Don’t Succeed…

Vicki Jo has been charged with aggravated assault in the case, still she maintains that “she “never meant to kill” her boyfriend, but “only wanted him to pay more attention to her.”. I agree with VJ here. poisoning your significant other at least ten times is a definite scream for attention – attention from law enforcement, the District Attorney and a hangin’ judge.

Vicki Jo will also be a big hit in the PA Department of Corrections for Dumbass Wimmin’s “Ain’t She Got a Purty Ass” Division where Spike McGillacuddy forms a one Lezbean welcoming committee, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Calls for Attention

Men, if you notice any of the more common “pay attention to me or I’ll cut off your gazebos or poison you” signs from your woman, do something immediately to ensure your own safety and happiness at home.

Tell the bitch to make you a sammich.

And get you a beer. Nothing says “I am paying attention to you” like that does.

And Vicki Jo? One word for you: batteries. Lots of batteries. You now have the attention you so are desperately craving.

Dumbass.

Lady Poisons Boyfriend to Get His Attention!

Vicki Jo

Vicki Jo Mills of McConnellsburg was feeling that her boyfriend, Thurman Nesbitt, was lax in his duties in doting over her. So, instead of new lingerie, perfume or hairdos, Vicki Jo, hatched a plan that would make Thomas notice her like she’d never been noticed before.

It has been my experience in life that men sometimes put other things in life ahead of their wives/girlfriends that leave the poor woman craving attention. To be fair, the things that men put first are worthy things like fishing, golf, likker, etc, but there’s absolutely no excuse for neglecting your woman by means other than these. I am sensitive to a woman’s needs that way.

Neglected wimmin often drop subtle little hints that you have not shown them enough attention lately. They’ll put on a new perfume, get a new hairdo, buy sexy lingerie or try to poison you.

At least that’s the way wimmin in Fulton County, Pennsylvania do things.

Neglected

She decided to poison him! Over a period of three years!

This certainly got Thurm’s attention. It also got the attention of his doctor.

During three years of fluctuating blood pressure, vomiting and difficulty breathing, Ole Sawbones called in the Law. From abc27.com, “According to investigators with the Pennsylvania State Police, Vickie Jo Mills used Visine eye drops to poison her boyfriend, Thurman Nesbitt, at least 10 times since June of 2009.
State police got involved in the case in mid-July after Nesbitt’s doctor contacted them. He had been treating Nesbitt for years for unexplained nausea and vomiting, elevating and dropping blood pressure, as well as difficulty breathing.
A test showed the main ingredient for eye drops, tetrahydrozoline, in Nebitt’s blood. Troopers questioned Mills, who admitted to putting eye drops in Nesbitt’s drinking water.” 

If at First You Don’t Succeed…

Vicki Jo has been charged with aggravated assault in the case, still she maintains that “she “never meant to kill” her boyfriend, but “only wanted him to pay more attention to her.”. I agree with VJ here. poisoning your significant other at least ten times is a definite scream for attention – attention from law enforcement, the District Attorney and a hangin’ judge.

Vicki Jo will also be a big hit in the PA Department of Corrections for Dumbass Wimmin’s “Ain’t She Got a Purty Ass” Division where Spike McGillacuddy forms a one Lezbean welcoming committee, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Calls for Attention

Men, if you notice any of the more common “pay attention to me or I’ll cut off your gazebos or poison you” signs from your woman, do something immediately to ensure your own safety and happiness at home.

Tell the bitch to make you a sammich.

And get you a beer. Nothing says “I am paying attention to you” like that does.

And Vicki Jo? One word for you: batteries. Lots of batteries. You now have the attention you so are desperately craving.

Dumbass.

To Dumbass Thief in York, PA: Lurn Two Spel, Bicth!

Yesterday’s Dumbass News featured a Dumbass who couldn’t or wouldn’t read the labels on the sewage and/or fuel tanks of an RV and wound up with a mouth full of shit instead of gasoline. Today we’ll shine the Spotlight of Dumbassery on an idjit who can’t spell.

But First… 

I am a firm believer in the “if you’re gonna do it, do it to the best of your ability”, or iygdidittboya, school of thought.

It’s simple, really. If you are gonna build something, build the best one you can. If you are gonna paint something, paint it like you never painted before. That last one didn’t come out the way I wanted it to but you catch my drift. Give any given task 100% and you should have no regrets about possibly having tried harder or done it better.

This is especially true if you are a criminal.

Let me splain.

Spell Check Your Work

Let me give you an example of what I mean by spell check your work. See the nice jihadi in the photo? His message would have been much more effective if he’d only spelled “Jews” right. Instead he looks like even more of a camel-fucking pig than he already is. Killing “juice” is not high on the “Death to the Jews” agenda supported by this dooshbag and his cronies, I’m sure. But slaughtering those of the Hebrew faith is. If only he’d consulted a real Jew on how to spell “Jews” correctly, he’d simply look like a pissed off rag head instead of a complete pile of steaming aardvark shit.

Today’s Dumbass could use the same spell check rule of thumb as ole Abdul there.

You See…

Our Dumbass of the Day decided it would be a great time to steal a motorcycle and vandalize someone else’s property, so he did.

But before leaving the scene of the crime with the stolen motorcycle, our Dumbass decided to add insult to injury by painting some graffiti on the victim’s SUV. He scrawled the word “bicth” on the driver’s side door. This is where Spell Check would have come in handy.

Why is it that when criminals try to be clever, their efforts end in such epic fail? Because they are Dumbasses, that’s why! Who else but an honest to God Dumbass is capable of such idiocy? As if what he is doing isn’t vile and stoopid enough, he has to throw in the graffiti like that’s gonna make things worse?

The kicker is that he (the thief) has beclowned himself so bad by misspelling one simple word that when he gets caught, he’s gonna be the most popular guy in the county jail, iykwimaityd. Yes, fellow Dumbasses, prison “bicth”hood is just around the corner for this guy. And I bet he’ll squeal like a “bicth” too when Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams lays the “bicth” meat to his scrawny no-spellin’ ass.

Stoopid son of a “bicth”. And…

…Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Dumbass Matthew Vaughn in Rockwall, Texas***

Mice-a-Roni! The Upper Darby, PA Treat!

It’s refreshing to know that the spirit of competition is alive and well in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania. Well, it’s not exactly the spirit of competition, it’s more like the spirit of sabotage. But, you can see how I could mistake one for the other. Speaking of sabotage…

This dumbass guy named Nik is a pizza joint owner and he had a great marketing idea that would crush the competition. Nik’s idea involved live mice and this other pizza restaurant down the street. You can see where I am going with this. Here’s a bit of the story from UPI, “Nik came into Verona Pizza while two officers were dining Monday and asked to use the restroom. The owner of the restaurant soon found footprints on a toilet seat and the officers looked inside the ceiling and discovered a bag containing several live mice.” the cops had enough evidence to nail Nik, so they did. one of Upper Darby’s Finest shared this with us, “We have never had anything like this, where mice have been used as an instrument of crime,” the Philadelphia Inquirer quoted the cop spokesguy as saying. “This is food terrorism by mice,” he said. What a dumbass. I don’t if I mean Nik is the dumbass or the cop spokesfuzz dude. But, I digress.

As if we didn’t have enough trouble already, now we got to worry about some guy named Adbul carrying a load of suicide mice in his back pack or briefcase. At the point I have a question. How on Earth can the bad guys get those little bitty suicide bomb belts on the mice? Could somebody help a bruthah out on this? Inquiring dumbasses want to know. Let’s see, where were we? Oh, yeah. Nik the dumbass was busted for putting a bag full of live mice in the ceiling of his pizza joint competitor down the street. One of the charges Nik faces is “This is food terrorism by mice”.
So, once again some dumbass American invents a new way to become a bigger dumbass. If it wasn’t so damn funny, it would be pitiful. But, hey, we prey on the pitiful here at Dumbass News, so the more dumbasses, the better for us. Bring us your downtrodden, your poor, your hungry, your dumbasses and we’ll be more than happy to berate and belittle them like the scuz they are. Having been downtrodden, poor, hungry and a dumbass at one point or another in my life, I have earned the right to make fun of anybody, anywhere except my Mama. So show me a list of rich ambulance-chasin’ Attorneys at Law, I’ll make fun of those bastards, too. I am an equal opportunity insulter. That’s the second time I have digressed in this one post. I gotta watch out for that. And mice. I gotta watch out for mice.

Dumbass.

Cow Sex Is a Sign of the Apocalypse!

Sign of The End of Time

VERY URGENT APOCALYPSE ALERT!  

The End is nigh! 

First of all, I’d like to ask you all to remain as calm as possible. This type of situation comes along only once in a civilization’s history, but the need to remain clear-headed and rational about the looming End of the World is paramount to dying with the knowledge that the Almighty is calling His people Home.

You may be asking yourself, “Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, how do you know that the End Time is near when the prophecies in the Book of Revelations haven’t been fulfilled yet?” That is a very logical and pertinent question. And I have a very logical and well thought out answer.

I know The End is here because….please ask any children in the room to leave at this time. What you about to read will make you wish you had lived a more virtuous life. Your place in Eternity has been determined, but it’s not too late to find Jesus. I highly recommend that you find the Messiah ASAP, you ain’t got much time, Dumbass.

How I Know The End is Upon Us 

Fellow Dumbasses, I am not a Prophet nor a soothsayer, I am merely your humble Fearless Leader. You must understand before we all perish, that I would never deliberately lead you astray nor would I purposely cause panic in the streets of the 136 countries around the world that read Dumbass News without rock-solid proof. What I am about to reveal will undoubtedly be of historical proportions.

The End of the World is happening as we speak because….God help us all…because cattle are going crazy! You read that right. The End is here because the behavior of cattle is telling us so! You must be thinking that I am a nut at this point. But I am not a nut nor an alarmist. I am a man of Science and evidence and all the Science and evidence points to The Apocalypse.

Rock-Solid Proof

Remember a couple of days ago when I wrote of the cattle in Massivetwoshits that went berserk and crashed a neighborhood party and drank all the beer? That event was just a warning sign to us that Doom was inevitable. Today’s story is the confirmation of that impending Doom.

Don’t believe me? Just read on and you’ll start confessing your sins like Barrack Obama blames George W. Bush.

The Cattle Menace has spread to Pennsylvania, thus verifying what I had feared.

The sign of The End of Time took place at an intersection of two rural highways near Kittanning, PA. Traffic was backed up for miles as drivers from all over the area rubbernecked and bottlenecked at the sight of two, you guessed it, cattle doing the Dirty Deed right in the middle of the road! Yes, Fellow Dumbasses, cows were humping like rabbits in the middle of the highway causing widespread panic amongst Kittanning, Pennsylvania area residents! OK, well maybe “widespread panic” is a bit hyperbolic, but the Cow Sex did cause a traffic jam. By the way, a traffic jam in Kittanning means that both cars registered in the town were at the same place at the same time.

Local authorities tried mightily to “disengage” the cows, but it ain’t easy persuading a 2000 pound bull that having Mad Monkey Cow Sex in the middle of a busy highway intersection is a bad idea. So, the cops just let Nature take its course. No word if the cows were married or if this was just a Mad Monkey Cow Sex Liaison, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

The two cows finished their bidness then were rounded up and taken to a nearby farm until the rightful owner could be notified.

All’s Well

I, as your Fearless Leader, urge you to keep an eye out for any type of unusual behavior by cattle in your location. If you see such bovine shenanigans, report them immediately to your local law enforcement community!

If Armageddon is here, I’m sure that we’ll need an eyeball witness to corroborate the story.

On the other hand, maybe it’s just two horny cows out to “block a little traffic”.

Dumbasses.