|Not as Good as Rum|
BEST OF “DUMBASS NEWS”, September 13, 2011
I seldom refer to teenagers as dumbasses when I do this blog. Teenagers do dumb shit all the time, simply because they are teenagers. You, me, the Pope, all God’s children did stoopid stuff as teens. I only call today’s teens dumbasses when it’s necessary to the plot. In this story, it’s necessary to the plot. Let me splain.
Two teenage boys in South Berwick, Maine pulled a dumbass stunt that rates a “10” on the Official Dumbass-O-Meter. the two boys, 15 and 16, went uninvited into a neighbor’s garage and discovered some liquor bottles thinking that the bottles were full of hooch. Having already committed a trespassing offense, the duo decided to cop a buzz by taking a few shots of the “liquor”. This where karma comes into play, being the bitch that karma can be. After having a number of belts, the boys got buzz alright, but not from alcohol. Instead of a stash of booze, these two juvenile dipshits had imbibed anti-freeze! Yes, anti-freeze. As in Prestone. Now as a former professional drinker, I can tell you that there is a definite difference in appearance and taste between, say, whiskey and anti-freeze. I can also say that as a former professional drinker, that I never had the urge nor inclination to have a snort of anti-freeze or to break in to a neighbor’s garage to steal his booze. I may have done so to steal his anti-freeze, but never his fire water. Hell, most of my neighbors would have gladly shared either their likker and/or anti-freeze with me. But, I digress.
Upon someone finding the two boys, the cops were called. Here’s a piece of the story from the WCSH6.com (local TV station) website: “Police were having a tough time getting any information out of the boys. When they went to the hospital to talk with them they were incoherent.” Well slap me down with a wine cooler! Upon further investigation, it was learned what had happened and the kids were hospitalized and are expected to make a full recovery.
That is certainly good news.
Now you can understand why I have no problem in calling these two guys dumbasses. Or dumbfucks. Or stoopid shits. Or…nevermind, you get the idea. Some people in South Berwick are even calling for the home owner whose garage was left open to be prosecuted! Are. You. Shittin’. Me? If this couple of dickweeds weren’t petty thieves (remember, they trespassed and stole from someone’s garage), they wouldn’t be in the shape they are in now! Their parents are the ones who should be excoriated (and spayed & neutered) for having raised two such mentally deficient teenage delinquents! When they recover from their stoopid-ity, make the little bastards get a job to reimburse any and all costs for the police, EMS people, hospital personnel, etc. who were obligated to respond to this act of two brain dead (no pun intended) idiots.
Do that or teach the ingorant fucks the difference between likker and anti-freeze. They’ll like likker much better. Trust me. 🙂