Category: Pistol

Lady Aims to Blast Skunk; Shoots Aggie Husband Instead

Best of Dumbass News 

Boy hidee, I gotta tell you that we are loaded with Dumbasses today, folks. And when I say “loaded”, I mean loaded as in a gun.

And it’s funny you should ask, because this story revolves (pun intended) around a firearm. So, let’s take aim at the Dumbasses in our story.

Where

Aggie Veterinarian Shirt

Where: College Station, Texas, home of Texas A & M University and the Aggie Nation. For those of you around the country, or the world for that matter, Aggies are a “special” breed of Texan. And by “special” I mean Natural Born Dumbasses. In Texas, we make fun of Aggies the way people in the Northeast make fun of the Irish or Polish or any other ethnic group. If you know a good Irish/Polish/Ethnic joke, simply insert the word “Aggie” for “Irish” or “Polish” or any ethnicity and you’ll have the definition of an Aggie.

For example: How many Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group/Aggies does it take to get dinner? The answer is two (2). One to watch out for traffic.

See what I mean? That’s an Aggie for you.

What

WARNING!

A skunk.

Who

A Dumbass and his wife, co-starring a pistol.

The Problem

It seems as if this innocent skunk had wandered into the Dumbass’s yard one night. So, he comes up with this Great Plan to Eradicate the Skunk Once and for All. This GPTETSOAFA would involve a pistola. Let inject here the fact that Texans are rather proud of their firearms and their ability to use them as needed. This includes shooting spouses who are Dumbasses.

Let me splain.

I told you that the skunk was in the guy’s yard and he (The Guy, not the skunk) says, “Honey! There’s a skunk in the yard! Let’s go blast that little bastard to Kingdom Come!” The wife agrees. So she grabs a gun and outside they head searching for their unsuspecting prey. Skunks are unsuspecting because they are stoopid. But if you had a weapon like the spray a skunk can lay on you, you’d be unsuspecting too. But I digress.

Outside the couple goes and within a few seconds they spot the intruder, the skunk. Here’s where a shitload of Dumbassery comes into play. For some reason, the Dumbass is gonna let his wife shoot the skunk rather than do it himself. Why, I don’t know, but I do know that that is a decision that he will regret for the rest of his life. If he lives.

Aim This Way, Sweetie!

Aggie/Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group Pistol

The Dumbass goes on the opposite side of the skunk from the lady with a loaded gun! “Just squeeze the trigger, Sugar Puss”. So, Sugar Puss takes careful aim at her quarry, waits for just the right second and BAM! That’s when the Dumbass felt a burning sensation in his belly. The burning sensation of a .45 calibre bullet!

The skunk got away. The guy hit the ground with a bullet in his gut.

I smell questions coming up here.

Questions

  • Why did he think that shooting a skunk was the way to get it rid of it? At a safe distance, (a skunk can spray from 7 to 15 feet, so 16 feet from the bidness end of the skunk is considered a safe distance) simply go outside, make a shit load of obnoxious noise, like the Aggie War Hymn, and the little stinker will haul ass outta there like somebody stuck a Roman Candle up his ass. ***I will caution you at this point, that stuffing a Roman candle up a skunk’s ass is not a highly recommended activity. Loud noise will do just fine.***
  • Even though the Dumbass in Question is an Aggie, he should have known that standing in front of the business end of a .45 is not a good idea. Why would he do this?
  • Further exacerbating the situation is his encouraging the lady to shoot the skunk while he is in the line of fire. This, too, is highly suspect, if not deadly, behavior. Why would he do this?
  • After being struck in the abdomen by a large calibre handgun bullet, will this Aggie guy live long enough to learn a lesson from his Dumbassery?
  • Let’s hope so.
  • Did this moron not realize that a dead skunk stinks just as bad as a live one can when provoked? That smell doesn’t just dry up because the furry little fuck has assumed room temperature.
  • Who amongst us is stoopid enough to pick up a dead skunk and move it elsewhere? 
  • Not me.

There are probably another hundred or so questions that could be asked at this time, but I think we have covered the basics.

So there you have it, Dumbass Horde. The shallow end of the gene pool has reared its ugly head yet again and man faces death by Dumbassery. I just hope the guy recovers from his wounds……so we can make up Aggie jokes about him.

Now you know what an Aggie is. It’s just another word for …

…Dumbass.

***Hat tip to Dumbass Matt Vaughn***

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Chicago Gun Control Laws Lead to Bullet Wound in Weenie!

Chicago.

Chi-town.

The Windy City.

The Second City.

Gun Control Capital of the United States. Hence, Murder Capital of the United States.

Closing in on being The Dumbass Capital of the United States of America, but, for the moment, Florida has the most concentrated Dumbass per capita ratio in The Fruited Plain. Chicago, on the other hand, does lay claim to being The City With the Highest Concentration of Powerful Dumbasses in the United States of America.

A quick roll call of Powerful Dumbasses with Ties to Chicago:

  • President of the United States
  • Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel
  • Rev. Jesse Jackson
  • Jesse Jackson, Jr.
  • Father Michael Pfleger
  • Rev. Jeremiah Wright
  • William Ayers, Terrorist
  • Bernadette Dohrn, (Mrs. Wm. Ayers)
  • Jay Cutler, QB, Chicago Bears
  • Chicago White Sox

That’s quite a list, ain’t it?

The Powerful Dumbasses on The List better make room, because it looks like Chicago has a rising Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting and at the rate this Young Dumbass is going, he’ll be on The List by his 18th birthday. If he lives that long.

Gun Go BOOM!

The Protagonist in our Dumbass Drama today is but 17 years old.

Shooters of Weenies***

Our Protagonist was chillin’ wit sum hoes (a little South Side lingo there) in Northwest Chi-Town one night recently when he thought he’d be cool. And, as you might have guessed, by “be cool” I mean “do something extraordinarily fucked up”.

The kid with the bleeding weenie called the cops. He told them that two guys dressed like ninjas jumped out of a black van and summarily shot him in his package. Then he changed his story. Then he changed his story again. And again. He went on lying to the cops until he got tired of his weenie bleeding like a stuck pig when finally ‘fessed up.

The Young Dumbass was hospitalized and he’ll be fine in due time.

WTF?

The last paragraph in this story as written on HuffPo goes like this: As of Saturday, multiple reports indicated it was unclear what charges the boy would face, if any. According to the state’s criminal code, giving false reports to police could be classified disorderly conduct and punishable by fines.

“What charges, if any…”? Are you fucking kidding me? You mean “if any” like discharging a firearm within the city limits? No kind of “recklessness with a deadly weapon”-type charges? How about possession of an unregistered pistol? Granted, the HuffPo story doesn’t say that the gun is unregistered, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it ain’t.

“But, Fearless Leader,” you plea, “how can you be so sure of that?”

It’s really quite simple. With the kind of draconian and, in my opinion, unconstitutional, gun control measures in Chicago, along with the Commie mainstream media’s leftist bias concerning firearms, if this pistol was in fact a registered weapon, they (the media and every Illinois politician within range of a TV news camera) would have pounded that point home with Thor’s hammer.

Did I mention that the Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting came clean to the police about being affiliated with at least one Chicago gang?

“What charges, if any…” Really?

Fucking Dumbasses.

***Photo from Huffington Post via Alamy***

Gun Control: Dumbass Buys Illegal Gun, Promptly Shoots Self in Genitals!

Shot in Number 3
Best of Dumbass News 
 
“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Beautiful words, those. That visionary statement is the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

There are, of course, exceptions to the Amendment. Like convicted felons owning guns and that sort of thing.

Which brings us to today’s story.

Big No No

Tavares Donnell Colbert is one of the exceptions to the 2nd Amendment in which I alluded to earlier. He is a convicted felon having been found guilty of possession and intent to distribute a controlled substance. Therefore, no pistola for Senor Colbert.

But Mr. Colbert, being the Dumbass Drug Dealer and convicted asswipe that he is, has no desire nor compunction to obey the law. Hell, he just spent a stretch in the Big House, and I feel safe in saying that he probably didn’t take any civics classes while he was locked up. But, I am merely speculating.

To further bolster my argument, let me fill you in on the fact that Tavvy-poo illegally bought a weapon off the street some where in Kansas.

This is where the fun begins.

The Fun

From what I ascertain, Tav was planning his next big bidness venture in the Wonderful World of Narcotics Capitalism, when he thought it would be a good thing to test out his ill-gotten gun before actually committing a crime. So he got on Interstate 35, found a nice private place to bust a few caps.

Then he promptly shot himself in his Manhood.

My source story doesn’t get specific about whether Tavares blasted himself in the gazebos or in Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm. As a member of the Male of the Species, I can unquestionably tell you that neither the gazebos nor Willie are the most preferred place in which to suffer a gunshot wound. Anytime. Especially at close range. That’s gotta leave mark.

With his genitals now resembling shredded wheat, “T” drove himself to the hospital where he received emergency care for his ding-a-ling and his huevos. Plus! As an added bonus he also got a visit from the Oklahoma City Police Department. See, when injury by a firearm is involved in an ER visit, hospitals are required by law to notify law enforcement.

Upon seeing the evidence at hand (see what I did there?), the OKCPD did their duty and escorted Tavares Donnell Colbert to the OKC Facility for Dumbasses Who Shoot themselves in the nuts sack.TDC’s next big adventure will include many years behind bars and an up close and very personal relationship with the Dumbass News Official Adopted Felon, Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams, iykwimaityd.

It appears that Prison Bitch-hood will suit Tavares well. Instead of testing an illegal firearm, he’ll be testing “long barrelled “pistolas”. And the elasticity of his bung hole.

Dumbass.

Woman Aims for Skunk, Shoots Dumbass Instead!

Boy hidee, I gotta tell you that we are loaded with Dumbasses today, folks. And when I say “loaded”, I mean loaded as in a gun.

And it’s funny you should ask, because this story revolves (pun intended) around a firearm. So, let’s take aim at the Dumbasses in our story.

Where

Where: College Station, Texas, home of Texas A & M University and the Aggie Nation. For those of you around the country, or the world for that matter, Aggies are a “special” breed of Texan. And by “special” I mean Natural Born Dumbasses. In Texas, we make fun of Aggies the way people in the Northeast make fun of the Irish or Polish or any other ethnic group. If you know a good Irish/Polish/Ethnic joke, simply insert the word “Aggie” for “Irish” or “Polish” or any ethnicity and you’ll have the definition of an Aggie.

For example: How many Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group/Aggies does it take to get dinner? The answer is two (2). One to watch out for traffic.

See what I mean? That’s an Aggie for you.

What

WARNING!

A skunk.

Who

A Dumbass and his wife, co-starring a pistol.

The Problem

It seems as if this innocent skunk had wandered into the Dumbasses yard one night. So, he comes up with this Great Plan to Eradicate the Skunk Once and for All. This GPTETSOAFA would involve a pistola. let inject here the fact that Texans are rather proud of their firearms and their ability to use them as needed. This includes shooting spouses who are Dumbasses.

Let me splain.

I told you that the skunk was in the guy’s yard and he says, “Honey! There’s a skunk in the yard! let’s go blast that little bastard to Kingdom Come!” The wife agrees. So she grabs a gun and outside they head searching for their unsuspecting prey. Skunks are unsuspecting because they are stoopid. But if you had a weapon like the spray a skunk can lay on you, you’d be unsuspecting too. But I digress.

Outside the couple goes and within a few seconds they spot the intruder, the skunk. Here’s where a shitload of Dumbassery comes into play. For some reason, the Dumbass is gonna let his wife shoot the skunk rather than do it himself. Why, I don’t know, but I do know that that is a decision that he will regret for the rest of his life. If he lives.

Aim This Way, Sweetie!

The Dumbass goes on the opposite side of the skunk from the lady with a loaded gun! “Just squeeze the trigger, Sugar Puss”. So, Sugar Puss takes careful aim at her quarry, waits for just the right second and BAM! That’s when the Dumbass felt a burning sensation in his belly. The burning sensation of a .45 calibre bullet!

The skunk got away. The guy hit the ground with a bullet in his gut.

I smell questions coming up here.

Questions

  • Why did he think that shooting a skunk was the way to get it rid of it? At a safe distance, (a skunk can spray from 7 to 15 feet, so 16 feet from the bidness end of the skunk is considered a safe distance) simply go outside, make a shit load of obnoxious noise, like the Aggie War Hymn, and the little stinker will haul ass outta there like somebody stuck a Roman Candle up his ass. ***I will caution you at this point, that stuffing a Roman candle up a skunk’s ass is not a highly recommended activity. Loud noise will do just fine.***
  • Even though the Dumbass in Question is an Aggie, he should have known that standing in front of the business end of a .45 is not a good idea. Why would he do this?
  • Further exacerbating the situation is his encouraging the lady to shoot the skunk while he is in the line of fire. This, too, is highly suspect, if not deadly, behavior. Why would he do this?
  • After being struck in the abdomen by a large calibre handgun bullet, will this Aggie guy live long enough to learn a lesson from his Dumbassery?
  • Let’s hope so.
  • Did this moron not realize that a dead skunk stinks just as bad as a live one can when provoked? That smell doesn’t just dry up because the furry little fuck has assumed room temperature.
  • Who amongst us is stoopid enough to pick up a dead skunk and move it elsewhere? 
  • Not me.

There are probably another hundred or so questions that could be asked at this time, but I think we have covered the basics.

So there you have it, Dumbass Horde. The shallow end of the gene pool has reared its ugly head yet again and man faces death by Dumbassery. I just hope the guy recovers from his wounds……so we can make up Aggie jokes about him.

Now you know what an Aggie is. It’s just another word for …

…Dumbass.

***Hat tip to Dumbass Matt Vaughn***

Man Shoots Self in His Weenie!

We may have found our Dumbass of the Year for 2011 in this story. We have discovered many oustanding dumbass over the first eight months of this year, but this guy is clearly head and shoulders above the rest. Let me splain.

Instant Vasectomy Instrument

Arizona is one of a select few, if not the only, state that has open carry of firearms for all its eligible citizens. Joshua Seto is one of those citizens. Not long ago Josh and his fiancee decided to go out for a nice supper but things did not go well. You see his fiancee, Cara, also carries a pistol. A pink pistol. Before entering the eating establishment, Josh thought it would be a good idea if he put her gun in the waistband of his pants. Things did not go as planned. As Josh was sliding the pistol into his waistband the the gun discharged hitting ole Josh right smack dab “there”. And by “there” I mean tallywhacker. Ouch! That hurts just thinking about it. Oh, yeah, Joshua was also shot in his left thigh. Forget the thigh. This young man just shot himself in his manhood! I hope he and Cara were not planning to have children. Maybe that’s a good thing as Josh is a major dumbass. A major dumbass without a ding a ling. You. Can’t. Make. This. Stuff. Up.

 A police spokesman said it was not clear if Josh had suffered any permanent damage because of the incident, but the Police Department did issue a statement urging gun owner to (I am not kidding here) to take gun safety classes! A suggested motto for the gun safety classes: “Don’t Be a Dickless Dumbass! Take the State Gun Safety Class!” There’s a rhyme there and everything. It’s a little late for good ole tallywahckerless Josh, but thousands of other Arizonans would be wise to heed this message. I hate to see any more men suffer the trauma that Josh has been through. A penisless life is no way to live. And Josh is only 27 years old, so it’s quite possible that he’ll live the next 50 years or so without the music of coitus coming from his skin flute. That’s really sad, especially if his fiancee is a nympho. Poor Joshua. But let’s look at the bright side of this tragedy. At least Josh still has gazebos…I think.

We can learn a few valuable lessons from this accident. 1) Do not carry a gun with a bullet in the chamber 2) Do not try to slip a loaded weapon into your waistband  3) I would hate it if I shot off my own One Eyed Willie. and 4) It’s a good thing that Josh wasn’t stuffing a .12 Gauge shotgun down his pants.
I wish Josh and Cara the beast and hope he recovers fully from his injuries, with or without a weenie.