Category: Pittsburgh

Dumbass Tries to Raise Alligator in Pennsylvania!

A Dumbass & His Dog (Rover)

As you know by now, I am from Texas. I love the whole state for many reasons and one of them is its geographic diversity. Out west you have 8000 ft mountains, desert and the unrivaled beauty of Big Bend National Park. In Central Texas, the Hill Country rules. Texas has 624 miles of coastline along the Gulf of Mexico. Dallas sits on the plains of North Central Texas and you have the vast rolling plains of the Panhandle. My favorite part of the Lone Star State, though, is the Piney Woods of East Texas. I love the forests, the rivers and creeks and above all the huge man made lakes, like Sam Rayburn and Toledo Bend.

Although it may seem like it, this is not a lesson in Texas Geography, it is, believe it or not, to make a point: there are alligators in Texas. All along the Eastern Border with Looziana you’ll find thousands of gators in bodies of water large and small. Gators thrive in this area because of the availablitiy of so much water and the very moderate climate. Alligators are not built to last the long cold winters of states like, say, Pennsylvania. Did I say Pennsylvania? Yes! I did!

Gators in PA

Anybody who raises a gator in Pennsylvania is a dumbass. While they are cute and cuddly as teensy weensy baby gators, they grow up to be meat eating machines. And you my friend are lunch to a hungry alligator.

Some dumbass did indeed try to raise an alligator Greensburg, PA. Well, as you can imagine, the gator eventually grew into a full man eating size behemoth. So, wisely (or not), the owner of said gator set it free into the wild at a nearby lake. This is a death sentence for the poor gator. The winters in Pennsylvania are not as mild as those in East Texas and West Looziana.Go figger.

This year the winter was fairly mild at Beaver Run Lake and speculation runs rampant as to whether the gator survived or not. Here’s a gator locating tip for the dumbasses of Westmoreland County, PA. Go to where the gator was last seen and hang a dead rotted chicken (or a live yelping poodle) from a tree limb over the water. If the gator is close by, he’ll find it and make a quick snack of it. For the dipstick that turned the gator loose, follow the instructions above, but instead of a dead chicken (or yelping poodle), cut your self with a hunting knife, bleed like hell then go into the water. If the gator is nearby, he’ll find you and make a quick snack of you as well. But only part of you. He’ll eat what he needs, then he’ll take the rest of you and stuff you under a submerged log, let you tenderize for a while then when it’s supper time again, you’ll be the guest of honor. Dumbass.

Questions

Being a man of inquisitive nature, I have some questions for you, the dumbass reader. Question 1) Why the hell would somebody want a pet alligator? Question 2) Why would some dumb fuck take a warm blooded reptile to Pennsylvania and attempt to raise it? Question 3) Did the dumbass who owned the gator not realize that the damn thing could grow to be up to 14 feet long? Question 4) Are you fucking crazy!!??

I have traveled through Pennsylvania from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia and not once did I see suitable gator habitat. I did, however, see a ton of Dutch businesses selling whatever it is the Dutch community in PA sells, but not a single solitary sign ever said, “Get a Live Dutch Alligator Here!”. Wooden shoes? Yeah. Gators? Not so much. And if the Dutch don’t sell it, it ain’t happenin’ in Pennsylvania. Trust me on this one.

Last Bite

To the people of Westmoreland County, PA: if the gator is found alive and healthy as I see it you have two options. Ship it back to Looziana or Texas or kill it, skin it and eat it. gator meat meat is very good. Tastes like chicken. After doing one of the two, send the skin to the Dutch. They can then make some alligator skin wooden shoes. They’d have to change their signs, though.

And one final word to the genius who had an alligator in Pennsylvania in the first place:

Dumbass.

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Dumbass Contractor Tears Down Wrong House!

This is one of those stories that come around every so often and it makes you go WTF? Watch the video, then I’ll have my usual brilliant-for-a-dumbass insight, commentary,name-calling and finger-pointing. In other words, we’ll get to the the fun stuff!

 To review…the guy had been doing some home improvement work on his home then went on vacation for a week. He comes back home to find his house is gone like yesterday and he is now the proud owner of a hay-covered lot. The house nextdoor was the one scheduled to be torn down. As Maxwell Smart would say, “Missed it by that much!” A couple of solutions come to mind. Solution No.1: buy a goat. Goats love hay. Solution No.2: Become the proud of of all the heavy equipment a man could ever want. To achieve this objective, the dude must retain counsel and sue the dumbass contractor into oblivion! Since goats are probably not aloowed in the city limits, suing the dumbass that wrongly demolished your home after being advised by the city in writing not to do so (!) seems to be the last remaining legal remedy the homewoner has. Kicking the contractor’s ass from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia is the most satisfying, but felonious, retribution. And when the word “felony” and my (your,his,her) name are inexorably linked, I tend to calm down rather quickly and seek the less violent and less fun solution to the problem. I think the homeowner will take that path as well. If there are any construction-type readers out there in the Pittsburgh area, keep an eye on your local newsrag’s classifieds. I have a sneaky feeling there will be a big sale on all sorts of stuff you need at reasonable prices very soon. There will also be less competition in your town because there will one less dumbass to bid against. And one brand spankin’ new home to build for the poor man whose house was obliterated by a dumbass. Things could have been worse, though. The homeowner could have been alseep in the house at the time it was torn down. Just sayin’.