Category: Porn

Porn Stars at the Prom! Almost.

Evil

Best of Dumbass News

 
The Senior Prom. Although mine was several light years ago, I can still see my date looking so beautiful in her blue dress and I looked like a damned fool wearing that fucking monkey suit. But the memories remain as vivid as they were almost forty years ago. Oh, what a night.

At some high schools around the country it’s prom time as I type this. Young men are busily planning a special night for their dates – a nice supper, corsages, limos and condoms. That’s an awful lot of cheese to cut just hoping to get laid. But such is the life of the young – and horny.

Getting a Date

The most difficult and nerve-wracking part of going to the prom is finding a chick that’s desperate to go with a Dumbass. By the time the young Dumbass gets the balls to ask some girl to go, he’s scraping the bottom of the barrel. All the lookers have been claimed by the football players. The only girls left for the Dumbasses are the girls who “have nice personalities”. If the Dumbass is lucky, she’ll have big hooters and have the fire down below, IYKWIMAITYD.

There are exceptions to this rule, of course. One kid in Oakdale, Minnesota came up with an absolutely outstanding solution to being a Dumbass stuck with a prom date with a “nice personality”. He sent out Twitter messages to porn stars inviting them to be his prom date. And two of them accepted! Talk about a stroke (pun intended) of genius! And the power of Twitter! Damn, this kid, Mike Stone, is smooooooth. Not only are his dates ready for action, he won’t even have to take them to supper. Just think how much money the lad is saving. And it’s a cinch that he’ll “get some.” From a porn star no less!

Mike Stone is my hero.

Not So Fast

Dream Crusher***

Naturally, like every fairy tale story, there’s a wicked witch in this one too. Her name is Patty “Dream Crusher” Phillips. Dream Crusher is the Head Honcho at the Oakdale School District. She has thrown a monkey wrench the size of The Twin Cities into the works and it doesn’t look good for Mike.

Dream Crusher says that any guest at the prom that isn’t a student of the school district will have to be approved by school district officials, so the porn stars (and Mike Stone) are left out in the cold.

I don’t get it. Just because some chick makes an honest living by having sex with dozens of men and has the unmitigated gall to film it and sell it to willing adults, suddenly she’s not worthy of attending a High School prom. What. The. Fuck. Do those same rules apply to cheerleaders? Or the school slut? I mean, c’mon, Crusher!

What I Think

If only students can attend the prom, then I have a solution to Mike’s problem. My guess, and it’s only speculation on my part, is that these porn stars don’t have high school diplomas. I think they should get them ASAP. So, enroll them in the Oakdale School District! Instant student hood! The two professional sluts can now go to the prom with Mike! Let’s see Dream Crusher Phillips get past that! 

This is why I am your Fearless Leader. I see a problem and attack it like a pit bull after a T-bone. I am relentless in pursuing a solution to the travails facing a fellow Dumbass. Especially an up and coming Young Dumbass like Mike Stone.

If this plan doesn’t work, then I suggest that Mike piss in the punch and let the drinker beware.

It makes me proud and brings a tear to my eye to call a fine young man, Mike Stone, a…

…Dumbass. <sniffle>

***Thanks to Bones for finding the photo!***

Advertisements

Bulimics and Penises – Working Together for a Cure

I have, on a few occasions, explained to you some of the “challenges” I face on a daily basis. And by “challenges”, I of course mean that I am mentally ill. Many people would call me insane, but I ain’t there just yet. I take so much medicine that the food pyramid for me is Mood swings meds, anti-depressant and nighty night pill. Not bad actually, but I’d rather smoke a joint and have a beer. But I don’t do that shit anymore.

Dammit.

There are millions of Americans who have the same shit or much worse than me, so I am nothing special, except for the fact that I am the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde and I have readers who are sick puppies – like Wendy in Oregon and her Old Man whose name I don’t know. If he’s from Oregon his name is probably “Chad” or “Biff” or some other Left Coast bullshit.

But I digress.

More Serious “Challenges”

One of those more serious disorders that I spoke of earlier is bulimia. That’s the fear of being eaten and regurgitated by a Braymur (Brahman for the Yoopers in the audience) bull. That’s gotta be scary. Facing down a Big Mac must be a living nightmare. Again, I digress.

Anyway….some lady who apparently mustered up the courage and wherewithal to overcome her bulimia was demonstrating her new found freedom to a friend. No, she was not eaten and vomited up by a Braymur bull, she was sticking a butter knife down her throat demonstrating the absence of a gag reflex. She was going gangbusters with her demonstration until she swallowed the butter knife! Swallowing butter knives is a disease suffered by many bulimics because they just can’t be happy with being well, they feel compelled to stick something down their gullets to prove it.

Not a Scientific Instrument

Did you know, for instance, that sword swallowers are recovering bulimics? Not really I just made that up. Many female porn stars are, besides being skanky sluts, bulimics as well. The difference in the whores and the Butter Knife Lady is that porn star bulimics swallow ding-a-lings in order to show a lack of gag reflex. This has been scientifically proven by thousands of hours of hobbing knobs by skeezes of all ages, origins, ethnic backgrounds and, yes, religions. Except for Baptists. Baptists don’t even dance so oral sex is a major no no for my Protestant brethern and sistern.

Options

Now, as an observer of the human condition known as Dumbassery, I would taken aback by the fact that the young lady showed her progress by using a butter knife as a tool in her little demo. Why not a banana? Or a cucumber? Or a penis? All would be infinitely more suitable to such an exercise than a butter knife. Using a penis, for example, would instantly afford her a new career choice as well. I’m just sayin’

Please understand that I am not making light of bulimia. It is a very serious and deadly condition if the wrong penis is used as a “tool” to show a lack of gag reflex, a woman could choke to fucking death. Or end up as a porn star.

So, heed my advice if you are afflicted with bulimia. In showing your progress towards normalcy, please do not use sharp objects a gag reflex testing devices. Use something firm but malleable in your presentation.

And when you can swallow a whole Black Diamond watermelon, contact me. I know a “movie producer” in Hollywood.

Dumbass.

White Guy Goes to War; White Wife Has Black Baby While He’s Gone; She Blames "Lifelike" 3D Porn Flick!

Since I started writing this blog in September, 2010, I have made fun of every class, race, creed, skin color and/or national origin, especially those pansies the Fwench. You’d have to go all the way back to yesterday to see my latest demolition of those surrender-happy Frogs. If you, too, like to lob a few verbal grenades at the Fwench, just go to the “search” button in the left sidebar and type in “Fwench”. A veritable novel on “pussified” will be at your finger tips.

Enough about those Dumbasses.

Anyway, my somewhat verbose point here is that although I have ripped all the people I listed above, I have never done so because of race, color, national origin (except the Fwench), etc. I have stood fast to my word that I’ll make fun of anybody, any time. My three exclusions from that are the Pope, my Mom, not yours, and Billy Graham. End. Of. Story.

He Serves His Country, She Serves a Bruthah

Here’s the scene: A guy is in a branch of the United States Military serving in Iraq. (Thanks for your service!) He is a white guy. He was overseas for a year when he was sent back state side. He came home a hero. And a dumbass. Stay with me here, that ain’t a shot at military guys. You’ll see what I mean in a moment.

When the soldier left for Iraq, he left behind his wife. She’s a cracker, too. Upon arriving back in the USA, the guy goes home to his white wife. And a black baby.

Let’s do a quick review here.

  • White Soldier goes overseas leaving a wife behind.
  • Soldier is gone for TWELVE months.
  • Fast forward a year. Soldier comes home to his white wife.
  • And a black baby. A less than year old black baby.

This gets even better, Dumbasses.

The Dumbass Part 

The slut white chick says she got pregnant from, dig this shit, watching a 3D porn flick! I swear on my late Father’s grave that I am not making this up. See for yourself:

Any questions?

I have some.

Q & A 

You Dumbasses know me. I am rather inquisitive. Before I continue, I’ll concede a few things:

  • Against astronomical odds, this kind of stuff happens. Click here to read some weird shit.
  • Jennifer Stewart is a cheating piece of possum poop.
  • The baby in this story is a cutie pie.

Let’s start with the simple, verifiable fact that the alleged Daddy, a white guy, was in Iraq for a year, fighting for his country. His was wife was not pregnant when he left. He came home to a baby less than a year old , and whose skin is of the African persuasion. I went to public school and even I can do the math on this one. The kid ain’t the white guy’s.

The preceding paragraph is filled with pesky little things called facts, many admitted to by the Mom. Their veracity is unquestionable. “Lifelike”, even.

The Crazy Part

Mom claims she was impregnated by the black guy star of a 3D porn movie she had seen. She says that the baby resembles Bruthah Big Johnson. I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but, lady, your kid has such a generic baby’s face that he even looks like me and I ain’t the daddy.

Even more bizarre is the fact that her husband believes her!!! “3D movies are very lifelike”, he says. No, Sir, war is very “lifelike“. I think one of the goat-fuckers you were try to send to his 72 virgins put some tainted camel piss in your MREs. While I shall be eternally grateful for your service to our country, White Guy, you are an utter moron, idiot, dumbfuck, dipshit, Dumbass. White Guy, I hate to tell you this, but your Old Lady did the Horizontal Hula with a Black Guy and it ain’t from a “likelike” 3D movie or the amazing technology we enjoy today. She broke her vows to you with a good old fashion “lifelike” black weenie attached to a “lifelike” Black Guy.

End. Of. Story.

Now the whore is gonna sue the film company that produce the 3D “lifelike” digital sperm?

It is my considered opinion that these two people be admitted to a “lifelike” Looney Fucking Tunes Funny Farm. I suffer from several “mental illnesses”, therefore I feel my opinion should carry at least a little weight. However, it doesn’t take a Mental Midget like me to determine that this couple is a pair of “lifelike”…

Dumbasses.



Porn Stars Accept Invite to Prom! Satan Intervenes

Evil

The Senior Prom. Although mine was several light years ago, I can still see my date looking so beautiful in her blue dress and I looked like a damned fool wearing that fucking monkey suit. But the memories remain as vivid as they were almost forty years ago. Oh, what a night.

At some high schools around the country it’s prom time as I type this. Young men are busily planning a special night for their dates – a nice supper, corsages, limos and condoms. That’s an awful lot of cheese to cut just hoping to get laid. But such is the life of the young – and horny.

Getting a Date

The most difficult and nerve-wracking part of going to the prom is finding a chick that’s desperate to go with a Dumbass. By the time the young Dumbass gets the balls to ask some girl to go, he’s scraping the bottom of the barrel. All the lookers have been claimed by the football players. The only girls left for the Dumbasses are the girls who “have nice personalities”. If the Dumbass is lucky, she’ll have big hooters and have the fire down below, IYKWIMAITYD.

There are exceptions to this rule, of course. One kid in Oakdale, Minnesota came up with an absolutely outstanding solution to being a Dumbass stuck with a prom date with a “nice personality”. He sent out Twitter messages to porn stars inviting them to be his prom date. And two of them accepted! Talk about a stroke (pun intended) of genius! And the power of Twitter! Damn, this kid, Mike Stone, is smooooooth. Not only are his dates ready for action, he won’t even have to take them to supper. Just think how much money the lad is saving. And it’s a cinch that he’ll “get some.” From a porn star no less!

Mike Stone is my hero.

Not So Fast

Dream Crusher***

Naturally, like every fairy tale story, there’s a wicked witch in this one too. Her name is Patty “Dream Crusher” Phillips. Dream Crusher is the Head Honcho at the Oakdale School District. She has thrown a monkey wrench the size of The Twin Cities into the works and it doesn’t look good for Mike.

Dream Crusher says that any guest at the prom that isn’t a student of the school district will have to be approved by school district officials, so the porn stars (and Mike Stone) are left out in the cold.

I don’t get it. Just because some chick makes an honest living by having sex with dozens of men and has the unmitigated gall to film it and sell it to willing adults, suddenly she’s not worthy of attending a High School prom. What. The. Fuck. Do those same rules apply to cheerleaders? Or the school slut? I mean, c’mon, Crusher!

What I Think

If only students can attend the prom, then I have a solution to Mike’s problem. My guess, and it’s only speculation on my part, is that these porn stars don’t have high school diplomas. I think they should get them ASAP. So, enroll them in the Oakdale School District! Instant student hood! The two professional sluts can now go to the prom with Mike! Let’s see Dream Crusher Phillips get past that! 

This is why I am your Fearless Leader. I see a problem and attack it like a pit bull after a T-bone. I am relentless in pursuing a solution to the travails facing a fellow Dumbass. Especially an up and coming Young Dumbass like Mike Stone.

If this plan doesn’t work, then I suggest that Mike piss in the punch and let the drinker beware.

It makes me proud and brings a tear to my eye to call a fine young man, Mike Stone, a…

…Dumbass. <sniffle>

***Thanks to Bones for finding the photo!***

L A Fuzz Appear in X-Rated Movie! (While in {out of?} Uniform!)

Actual Police Porn; The Dangler Perhaps?

Right or wrong we, the general public, tend to hold folks who work in a public capacity to a higher standard when it comes to doing his/her job. This group includes everyone from the waitress at the local diner to the dumbasses we elect as our representatives to the Federal Gubmint. While this is not a bad thing, many times we forget how difficult it is to perform the duties of said occupation. Have you ever waited tables? I can tell you from personal experience that dealing with hungry people each day is, at best, a challenge. Special orders, substitutions, drink refills, being nice to not so nice customers and going to work when you feel like you’ve been run over by a Mack truck are just a few things that servers face every day they show up to work. Hell, it makes being a CongressDumbass look like a walk in the park. Seriously. But the pay and the bribes are far less lucrative. It’s a tough job.

Now take all that I just posted up there^^^^ and multiply it by a million. Then you have the job degree of difficulty for a Public Servant like a policeman. Being a cop is an often thankless line of work with not so many perks, except for a free cup of coffee now and then, and the occasional role in a porn flick. Whaaaaaaaaatttttt?????????

Show Me Your Nightstick, Officer

John Dancler was a cop in LA. Until he was fired. For appearing in a porn movie! In uniform! Wait a minute, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet. What could be worse than a cop in his official LA Fuzz garb in a porn video? A cop in his official LA Fuzz garb in a porn video while on duty, that’s what! Holy three way traffic stop, Batman! John is no longer one of LA’s Finest, by the way. I guess the Civil Service Honchos in Tinseltown have no sense of humor. Geeeezzz. Dumbasses.

John “The Dangler” Dancler was stunned, stunned I tell you (!), to learn of his dismissal for such a petty reason. Granted, the LAPD has rules and regulations to be followed, but aren’t those restricted to more serious matters like singling out an individual or group because of their race or something similar? Is there a clause in the “Things Not to Do” section of the LAPD Employees Manual that says an on duty officer can’t appear in a porn flick? These are questions that demand answers! At least that’s what ‘The Dangler’s” lawyer is saying.

Vampire Goes to Bat for The Dangler

Bobby Samini, the cop’s attorney, went before the Los Angeles Civil Service Commission to argue that his client’s firing was “unwarranted” and that The Dangler was a “convenient scapegoat” in the case. Lemme get this straight. LA cop is on duty. Check. “On duty” means the cop was in uniform, or out of uniform in this instance, right? Check. He abandoned his official obligations as a sworn Officer of the Law to show and presumably use his “automatic weapon” in an X-rated video, correct? Check. Well alrighty then! Nothing to see here. Move along, folks.

I understand that being a Police Officer is one of, if not the, toughest civilian jobs in the world. So it is equally understandable that such a high pressure work environment necessitates a little “stress relief” once in a while. The Dangler was doing just that when he was porking a few crack addict sluts up the poop chute in a little fuck flick, relieving stress.

Video This, Bitches!

It is my considered Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Opinion that John Dancler should not only be fired, but tried and if convicted, be sent to San Quentin, Twinkletoes Unit, where he’ll be indoctrinated into the role of “The Danglee” by some tutti fruiti fella  built like a WWE Rassler with a “baton” instead of a nightstick, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Screw this dumabass. After all he fucked over an entire city.

Denny’s is Hiring

John, my man, you betrayed your oath to the people you serve when you whipped it out for your little “stress relief” moment with some skanky HOs.  At that point you became a criminal. A criminal worse than the majority of assholes and creeps you were supposed to protect your community from. And you have the unmitigated gall to demand reinstatement to the position you so willfully deserted while on duty? 
 
I’ve got some news for you, pal. The second you even thought about pulling such a stunt, you, in theory at least, forfeited any and all recourse in getting your job back. I am fairly sure that there about six million Angelenos that agree with me.

One more thing, amigo. Tell your lawyer to get a copy of the movie you so graciously consented to do, while on duty of course, and shove it so far up his ass that the Roto Rooter Guy will have to dig it out with a plumber’s snake. John Baby, you’d wish it was a plumber’s snake going up your anal cavity if true Justice were applied in this circumstance. But it won’t be, so consider yourself lucky. Some of the people you busted are making license plates as I type this. Let’s just hope for your sake that they A) don’t hear about this deal or B) aren’t of a vengeful nature. What would Sgt. Joe Friday say? Fuck you and good luck, John. Those are the facts. Just the facts.

By the way, Dangler, I hear Denny’s is hiring.

Have a nice day.

Dumbass.

The Three Ds: Dumbass, Disabled and Donate

You Can NEVER Un-see This

Where the hell has 2011 gone? This is the last weekend before Thanksgiving already. Damn. That means it’s about time to start thinking about the Dumbass of the Year for Dos Mil y Once. A little Meskin lingo there. Who says that dumbasses can’t be “cultured”? Don’t answer that question!

As a matter of fact, I just happen to have a few examples of Dumbass Culture right here! See the shit works out right. It has been a wacked out week not only for Dumbass News, but for your cute and cuddly Head Dumbass as well. I learned a few days ago that I am no longer able to be a productive member of society. As if I ever was a productive member of society. Ha! My doctor is a dumbass. He thought by telling me that I am medically unable to work anymore that I would no longer be a blight on civilization. Did I fool him or what? As long as I can type I will continue to be a Blight of the Highest Order on Civilization! bwahahahahahaha!! Boy, did I ever fool him.

Proof

To prove my point, I have gone back through the Dumbass News archives and come up with written proof that I am as big a pain in the ass to “polite society” (whatever the hell that is) as I have ever been! 

Serious Societal Blight  

  • Earlier this week, I came up with an ingenious Plan to End the War on Terror. Let me Warn You that this post is extremely crude and juvenile, as always, but even moreso than your “normal” crude and juvenile. It is NSFW or Kids! Heed those words or try to wiggle your way out of explaining to your six year old why terrorists like to have “relations” with donkeys. I’m just sayin’.
  • Man Has No Toilet Paper… Talk about a chapped ass. This dumbass has no TP in his motel room and he proceeds to go absolutely batshit crazy, doing over $2000 damage to the room. I wonder what he would’ve done if the motel staff forgot to put a little mint on his pillow. I shiver at the thought.
  • USF-Polytechnic This is a touching story of how university officials waste thousands of dollars on Star Wars statues instead of some more worthy academic venture – like free porn for all the fraternities on campus. Just imagine all the poor deprived biology majors who will be affected by this travesty! 

That’s what the week was like here at the Dumbass Dome. It could have been worse, but it could have been better if some of you dumbasses would hit the “Donate” button at the top of the right sidebar.  Do it for the students at USFP1 Do it for the guy who needs some toilet paper! But most of all, do it for your friendly disabled neighborhood blogging dumbass. My Mama will thank you for it.  🙂

Dumbasses.

    Our Country is Being Crapped On and I am a Mad SOB

    Don’t Fuck With Americans

    This post is gonna hit home for many of you dumbasses. A new study has been released that says pornography is now collectible . I can see a bunch of you dumbasses haulin’ ass to that secret place where those movies and “other stuff” are stored.. “I just knew “Debbie Does Donkeys” would be worth something one day!”, you say. “Imagine what I could get for one of these “personal satisfaction devices”. “They were only used for one scene and the donkey didn’t seem to mind”. You are sick bastards.

    There are times when what I want to say is insignificant.This is one of those times. Here’s a good portion of the article from UPI: “It’s definitely a new market, but it’s an evolving market,” said Naomi Wilzig, founder and president of the World Erotic Art Museum in Miami. People are realizing how important erotic art is to both own and display. People used to cast it aside as sordid, but are now realizing it’s important. There’s no doubt it’s escalating.”

    Ted McIlvenna, president of The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco and curator of the Erotic Heritage Museum in Las Vegas, said that as pornography becomes more mainstream, people are becoming more comfortable with owning part of its history, CNBC reported Saturday. “

    McIlvenna said many collectors are seeking items from the past.

    “A lot of the films people are rediscovering is happening because so much of the stuff they’re making now is fast and furious,” he said.

    Well shit. No wonder this crap made the news. It’s from CNBC and the people who work there are a bunch liberal pussies. Those assholes will barely, if ever, mention the shit that the Occupy Wall Street dumbasses do (rape, drugs, public masturbation, shitting on police cars and more) but, dammit, they’ll jump all over some bullshit about porn like it was two kids trading baseball cards. What the hell is going on in this country? Oh, wait, I know. Liberals and their policies have taken God out of the classroom, off many public places where crosses are erected to honor victims of drunk driving or law enforcement officers who have been killed in the line of duty and don’t even bring up Christmas.

    I kind of veered off the path I wanted to take this post, but I am so mad I could spit sparks. The assault is on against everything this country is about and I for one ain’t gonna take this shit anymore. I won’t go into great detail, but let me assure you the powder is dry and I am a good shot. Too harsh you say? Hell no it ain’t too harsh! The Constitution of the United States calls for the overthrow of the government when it strays from the original meaning of the Constitution and tramples the rights of the American people. Is this that time? I don’t know, but I can say with 100% certainty, when the tipping point gets here, the Alamo will look like a cat fight. Bank it.

    The collection of leftists, Occupy Wall Streeters (but I repeat myself) and any other extremist group on the left or right that wants to run this country your convoluted way, go ahead, make our day and send your soul to Heaven because your ass is ours. Have a nice day. 🙂

    Dumbasses.