Public restrooms ain’t what they used to be. Hell, restrooms in general ain’t so hot these days.
Many years ago, Texaco used an advertising strategy that featured their always-clean johns. It was something the traveling public wanted, so Texaco gave it to ’em. When you are looking to buy a home, adequate “facilities” are near the top of the list of important features your new home must have. See where I am going with this?
These days, toilets in public places and businesses, even toilets in homes don’t always fall into a category that one might reasonably call sanitary or private. Port-o-potties? Don’t even get me going on those things. Dumbasses all over the country have taken to giving bath rooms a dirty name.
Remember the guy who did some doo doo diving in a portable toilet? There’s also the story of the shit for brains who ripped a toilet seat from its mounts and set out to murder another guy! Even the loo in the largest retailer in the world, WalMart, is not immune from dumbassery. What about when you go into the can to poop and there ain’t no toilet paper? That happened to a guy at a Motel 6 and he went on a destructive rampage!
Another Toilet Horror Story
At a JCPenney store in West Palm Beach, Florida, the Loss Prevention Officer at the West Palm Beach Store noticed the ceiling fan in the [ladies]bathroom was dislodged just after 9 a.m, Monday and a closer examination revealed a cellphone aimed toward the bathroom’s toilets was recording video!
Naturally the cops were notified and responded to the call.
When the cops got to JCPenney, the Loss Prevention Chick told them that she had a suspect in mind with regards to this incident. After a great deal of intensive detective-ing, the cops came up with a brilliant idea – go to the Personnel Department and review the suspect’s job application for some information that might help nab the bastard. Guess what they found on the job app? Yes! A cell phone number! They called it. The cell phone in the ladies’ room rang! Busted!
No El Got-o El Green Card-o
Further investigation revealed that the owner of the cell phone, Rafael Dieguez, was not Rafael Dieguez at all! He was actually Rafael’s brother, Marco Bartolon-Velasquez! But wait, there’s more! Marco Bartolon-Velasquez is…wait…for…it…an illegal alien!
Bartolon-Velasquez, who has been in the United States illegally for four years, said he was using his brother’s name for “employment purposes” and was using the cell phone cam to ensure that his fellow employees were doing their jobs properly. Har har.
Hold on, this gets even better.
The vato admitted to have been filming activity in the ladies’ room since last Christmas! He also stated to the police that he had never recorded anything in the mens’ room. I’ll bet.<—dripping with sarcasm
The pendejo was arrested and is awaiting trial… and prison bitchery.
No driver’s license for him!
Dumbass News Toilet Safety PSA
As we plow into the Christmas shopping season at breakneck speed, keep this story (and the stories at the links) in mind the next time you gotta take a whiz in the toilet of a fine retail merchant near you.
You never know what’s going on behind those doors.
Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!
In late September, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties before the end of the year. Along comes this dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.
Here’s the poop, I mean scoop. Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old dumbass in today’s story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john’s door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the dumbass went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered. When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9am and this dumbass was thirsty for breakfast and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as dumbass as passing out in a portable john, when I’m sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep…if you’re a drunk dumbass.
Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, “No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here.” Who the hell does he think he’s fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God’s sake and you guys call incidents like this one, Friday night!
This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. let’s hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, “We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it.” Be sure to knock first. You never know when you’ll intrude on a sleeping dumbass in a portable toilet. Dumbass.