Category: Port o Potty

Hobo Hotel: Locked in Port-o-Potty! Drunk Dumbass Sleeps in It!

Hobo Hotel

Best of Dumbass News

In late September, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties for quite a while. What the hell was I thinking? Then came this guy. Not to be out dung(ed) along comes this dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.

Here’s the poop, I mean scoop. Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old dumbass in today’s story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john’s door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the dumbass went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered. When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9am and this dumbass was thirsty for breakfast and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as dumbass as passing out in a portable john, when I’m sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep…if you’re a drunk dumbass.

Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed  from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, “No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here.” Who the hell does he think he’s fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God’s sake and you guys call incidents like this one, Friday night!

This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. Let’s hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, “We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it.” Be sure to knock first. You never know when you’ll intrude on a sleeping dumbass in a portable toilet.

Dumbass.

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Dumbass is a Serial Doo Doo Diver!

Shit for Brains

Best of Dumbass News 


I’ll be back “live” tomorrow!

The guy in the photo is a criminal. Bank robber? Nope. Embezzler? Try again. This man, Gary Moody, is a convicted “toilet pit climber”. And a dumbass. I am intrigued by the term “toilet pit climber”, so as a Professional Blogging Guy, it is my sworn at duty to get to the, er, uh, bottom of this.

As you may have guessed by now Our Friend Gary likes to climb into the pits of outhouses! Gary is a Doo Doo Diver!. But!, you say, maybe Gary was plastered one time and did something extremely stupid – and disgusting. I wish that I could report to you that this is the case, but NO! Gary Moody is a Serial Doo Doo Diver! And a Serial Dumbass!

Recently Ol’ Gare was spotted by a nine year old boy after a successful session of doo doo diving, Gary’s second known outhouse pit diving expedition. In 2005, Moody pleaded no contest to trespassing for the same offense. Since Gary’s crime is not quite as common as, say, car theft, he was the first guy the cops went to for answers regarding this incident. The Portland Press Herald notes that special agent with the US Forest Service, William Fors recalled the case from 2005 and told the paper, “Based on the extremely rare nature of this type of activity, the fact that Gary Moody had a previous conviction for the same activity and the fact that Moody had a last known address in the Gardiner, Maine, area, I decided to locate and interview Moody,” No shit?

As a resident of Augusta, which is so close to Gardiner that you could hear Gary fart, all my fears have been allayed since the US Forest Service is right on top of the very serious crime of Doo Doo Diving. As a matter of fact, the Augusta, Maine “metro” area proudly holds the distinction of having the lowest doo doo diver recidivism rate in the entire United States of America thanks to the relentless anti-doo doo diving efforts of the United States Forest Service right here in our humble little town. I shall sleep better at night.

Good ol’ Gary was convicted and sentenced to 30 days, a $1000 fine and $700 restitution to the Forest Service for the cost of pumping out the toilet pit. It seems to me that Gary could have saved himself seven big ones if he’d just asked for a shovel and emptied the pit on his own. Not only could he have saved the cash for himself, he could have done the very thing he loves doing! What more could a criminal ask for?

I’m sure that this will be a subject of interest at Gary’s kid’s next “What Does Your Daddy Do for a Living? Day” at school. Does Gary dare take a Port-O-Potty to the school to demonstrate what Doo Doo Diving is all about? Does he say “doo doo” in front of a class of second graders? Instead of “Doo Doo Diver”, should Gary use the term “Feces Farmer” instead? What’s a Daddy Doo Doo Diver to do?

Here’s my bit of wisdom for Mr. Moody: Flush the whole idea.

Dumbass.

73 Year Old Granny Saves Nest Egg…By Selling Pot!

Retirement Planner

Many cultists in members of the Dumbass Horde, myself included, have reached a point in life where our Sunset Years are not that many sunsets away.

I, personally, am very close to needing to turn on the porch light in order to see through the dusk. My constant companion, Artur Itis, has, however, been kind enough to supply me with one of those curly-q CFL porch lights. How magnanimous of him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something, someone to give me hope and inspiration as I transition from Middle Aged Curmudgeon to Full Blown Old Fart. I am ecstatic to tell you, my Beloved Dumbass Horde, that I have found my Seasoned Citizen Guru in, of all places, Oklahoma.

Darlene Mayes, Granny Role Model

Darlene is special. At age 73 she is an entrepreneur who has struck it rich in her chosen endeavor. Her business encompasses several states including Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, and Kansas. As a matter of fact, Granny’s bidness supplies a full forty per cent of her product to this region.

Unfortunately, Darlene’s bidness ran into a major roadblock recently and was forced to unexpectedly shut down. Tax problems? Nope. The bad economy? Her product is basically recession-proof, so that ain’t the deal. The culprit in bringing Darlene’s to a screeching halt was the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics!

Let me splain.

The Herb Superb

You see, Granny Mayes’ wasn’t selling hand knitted quilts or Afghans or even crocheted doilies for Chrissake. She was selling POT! Latin Lettuce! Mari-fucking-juana! She was what the law enforcement community calls a Drug Kingpin. I. Shit. You. Not. This sweet, innocent looking Little Old Lady was responsible for selling millions of dollars and thousands of pounds of weed in at least four states!
  

When Darlene and her “bidness associates” were busted by the Law, she was in possession of four pounds of pot, a semi-auto pistol and a revolver. Not to mention $276,000 in cash! one her her pot dealers was her son who was popped with several thousand dollars in cash and two LBs (pounds) of potential Manually Assembled Relaxation Devices (joints, fatties, Meskin Marlboros, etc.).

According to the HuffHuffPassPass Post, when the heat went into Darlene’s house “cops found the supply in her bedroom, which reeked of weed. A vacuum-sealed bag full of the stuff was found in the closet, and bundles of bills labeled “$15,000″ were found under her box spring. They found a pipe and another bag of weed in the bathroom, and a total of $200,000 in more vacuum-sealed bags in a guest room where Mayes’ grandchildren reportedly slept.”

Darlene feigned surprise and reportedly told the Narcs that all the cheese (cash, for those of you in Kansas) they discovered in her house was “for my retirement”. Now that, Dumbasses and Dumbassettes is what is called planning for the future. Except for one thing. All that money was confiscated and remanded to the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics Donuts for a Rainy Day Fund, so Darlene won’t see one red cent of it.

She will, however, see the Sun set on her Sunset Years from a lovely cell in a Federal Penitentiary somewhere in the Midwest.

Wasted…such promise, such bidness acumen, such such…

…a Dumbass.



Best Performance by a Stoned Dumbass; The Dummy Goes To…

Makes You Hungry Just Lookin’ at It

What would such a splendor of an Award Ceremony such as The Dummies be without a category that features dumbasses and pot? Nothing, I say! Fraudulent! fake! Cheap! Well, OK, I’ll give you “cheap”, maybe even “fraudulent” on the right day, but still nothing!

Several posts about dumbasses and the herb superb have made it past the High Sheriffs at Blogger.com in the past year and have gone on to be some of the most-read entries of All Time. Therefore, I find it only fitting that we include a “dumbass and pot” selection to this year’s Dummies. 

Aaaaaaand the nominees for Best Performance By a Stoned Dumbass are…

A Guy Named Gus, His Ducks and Pot The popularity of this post took me by surprise. But then again, it’s about a French guy whose name ain’t really Gus, but some pussy French name like Claude or Michele, who raises ducks and feeds them le weed as the French say. Without giving away the whole story, the pussified Fwench (not a typo) policie (another pussy fwench word) respond to a shit load of pot Gus has been feeding his ducks by saying, “We have nev-ere seen sooch a ting before”. Les dipshits.

Homeless Dumbass, His Condo Truck and a Stoned Car Thief How is it that homeless guys, God bless ’em, are always in the middle of some stoopid shit? Even the nice, “upper crust” homeless guys like the victim in this story. Oh, yeah, the bad guy in this episode is in possession of (you guessed it!) marijuana!

How to Lose $425 Large Worth of Pot in One Easy Lesson – This one of the stoopidest things I have ever heard of. And that’s saying a lot. Long story short; dumbasses with 425 large worth of pot get carjacked. call cops. Dumbassery and possible homicide ensue.

The stoned morons in this category are such dumb fucks that they warrant an extra nomination for a Dummy in this category. 

Truck Full of Pot Wrecks; Weed Stolen by Passersby! Yup. It happened. In California. Go figger.

Wrangling up a “winner” from this group was a very touch chore. But, I did it. And the “winner” of The Dummy is……

Gus and his stoned ducks! If it tweaks the Fwench, I am all for it.

Dumbass pussies.

Dumbass Falls Asleep in Port-o-Potty, Gets Locked In!

Hobo Hotel

I went to the doctor yesterday and got some not-so-good news. It’s not that bad. I ain’t gonna die. Dumbass. Doctor B did tell me, however, that due to some health concerns I can not go back to work at a “normal” job until I hit the Big Dumbass House in the Sky. So, you are stuck with me. bwahahahahaha! That means that this blog is the only source of income I have. You know what that means? It means that you need to hit the “Donate” button on the top right of the page. If only the longtime readers of Dumbass News gave $5 a month, that would be of tremendous help. Remember, I have two little girls (4 & 9) and a wife to support. I am a little bummed out, but when dealt lemons, make lemonade. And you dumbasses are my lemonade. (I am fucked) Thanks, y’all. I ask not for your sympathy, just your money.

I am actually writing this on Monday night because this whole mess still hasn’t soaked in yet. After 40+ years of working my ass off….just hit the damn “Donate” button. Dumbass. And I say that with love. Here’s the good stuff:

In late September, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties for quite a while. What the hell was I thinking? Along comes this dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.

Here’s the poop, I mean scoop. Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old dumbass in today’s story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john’s door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the dumbass went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered. When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9am and this dumbass was thirsty for breakfast and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as dumbass as passing out in a portable john, when I’m sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep…if you’re a drunk dumbass.

Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed  from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, “No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here.” Who the hell does he think he’s fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God’s sake and you guys call incidents like this one, Friday night!

This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. Let’s hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, “We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it.” Be sure to knock first. You never know when you’ll intrude on a sleeping dumbass in a portable toilet.

Dumbass.

Pot From Wrecked Truck Stolen by Passersby! Munchies Ensue

Making People Hungry for 1000’s of Years

OK fellow Dumbasses, it’s time for another “Dumbass With Marijuana” story. But this story has a Dumbass twist to it. Let me splain.

This particular story takes place in California. (Surprise!) San Jose to be exact. At least one dumbass was driving a truck near a mall in San Jose when the truck overturned. Three guesses as to what was in the vehicle at the time of the accident and the first two don’t count. My first guess was furniture and stuff because they were moving from one house to another. Wrong. secondly, I was thinking that the truck driver was making a delivery of food to the poor people of San Jose, but that was incorrect as well. Then, light a bolt of lightning out of nowhere, it struck me! I bet the dumbass had a truckload of pot. Imagine my surprise that pot was the right answer! I wasn’t really surprised because after all we’re talking about California here.

The twist to this story takes place after the truck crash when witnesses to the crash started picking up large bags of marijuana and running away with them! What fun! And what dumbasses. Of course the truck was abandoned by the time the cops got there, but the cops did see some of the pot buzzards fleeing with the bags of the Herb Superb. This is not a good idea. As a matter of fact, the marijuana thieves committed at least two felonies within the matter of a few seconds – Possession of a controlled substance and eluding police. i am sure a couple more charges could be added to those, but what do I know? I am a dumbass. But I ain’t no pot thief! Besides, because of my bad back, I couldn’t lift a large bag of marijuana on my best day.

Up there ^^^ I said that it’s not a good idea to steal pot right in front of the local constabulary. Why? Because the cops have video cameras in their squad cars! Anyway, the police are on the lookout for the driver of the truck and the dumbasses that stole the contraband. My suggestion to the San Jose PD is to look in all McDonalds in the area. Anybody smoking a large bag full of marijuana is bound to be hungry. Not that I would personally know about such things. I don’t even like McDonalds. I’m just sayin’. 🙂

Dumbasses.

P.S. You can find other dumbass marijuana stories here, here, here and here.

Drunk Passes Out in Port-o-Potty, Gets Padlocked In Overnight!

Ocupado

In late September, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties for quite a while. What the hell was I thinking? Along comes this dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.

Here’s the poop, I mean scoop. Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old dumbass in today’s story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john’s door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the dumbass went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered. When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9am and this dumbass was thirsty for breakfast and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as dumbass as passing out in a portable john, when I’m sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep…if you’re a drunk dumbass.

Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed  from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, “No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here.” Who the hell does he think he’s fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God’s sake and you guys call incidents like this one, Friday night!

This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. let’s hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, “We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it.” Be sure to knock first. You never know when you’ll intrude on a sleeping dumbass in a portable toilet. Dumbass.